The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance (Hardcover)

by Polly Young-Eisendrath (Author)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Young-Eisendrath, a Vermont-based Jungian analyst, practicing Buddhist and author (Women and Desire), identifies a threatening and perplexing problem she calls the self-esteem trap. Today's children and young adults are suffering from a number of symptoms, including obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to accept responsibilities and feelings of either superiority or inferiority. According to the author, instead of contentment and positive self-regard, kids raised to believe they are extraordinary or special are more likely to be unhappy and disappointed. Being ordinary and realizing one's connection to the human community is the real key to happiness, she argues, and cultivating the qualities of generosity, discipline, patience, diligence, concentration and wisdom will lead to children who are self-confident and content. She also warns against parents who run interference, protecting their children from inevitable disappointments. Instead, letting kids develop autonomy and experience the consequences of their decisions, she claims, is the way to go. At times, Young-Eisendrath's scope seems unwieldy, but her message rings true. (Sept.)
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Review
'Incisive, persuasive, practical and wise...an immensely valuable, reliable and engaging book' - Edward M. Hallowell, MD 'Parents want what's best for their children and THE SELF-ESTEEM TRAP is - finally - the book that delivers' - Jean M. Twenge, PhD '...a truly helpful book on parenting' - Jack Kornfield --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Little, Brown and Company; 1 edition (September 2, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0316013110
• ISBN-13: 978-0316013116
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 5.9 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #168,216 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars You Must Read This (A Special Educator's Point of View) , December 13, 2008

By	Kevin Currie-Knight "PhD Student in Education" (Newark, Delaware) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)

If I could buy one book for all parents and educators of today's kids, "Self-Esteem Trap" would be it. I write as a high school special educator, and as such, believe that this is a very necessary and prescient book about how we begun raising fragile, self-obsessed, and unprepared-to-cope kids - and what we can do about it!

In "The Self-Esteem Trap" Polly Young-Eisendrath is concerned to delineate how we got our kids into this "self-esteem trap" of too much praise and entitlement for too little effort, and offer advice as to how we can bring them out of it. In her opinion, it started with the '60's and thte "I'm okay, you're okay" movement in parenting. Unlike past generations, parents tried to deal with kids more as equals; creativity and expression was never to be stifled, authority and rules were seen as over-burdensome, and children were seen (albeit undeliberately) as fragile. Paradoxically, the good intentions of trying to take limits off of kids, and desiring for kids to feel terrific about themselves, ended in kids that were more miserable and unable to cope with stress.

Young-Eisendrath goes on to spell out several particular things she finds lacking in today's youth, offering evidence from studies and her own interviews (with patients and those who work with children) for support. The author suggests that today's children are not (a) learning how to deal with adversity and disappointment; (b) learning how to problem-solve real-world situations, and (c) learning how to feel average, rather than extraordinary (humble, rather than brilliant).

Most of the book focuses on these three problems and their corroolaries: kids today are either experiencing too little guidance (from laisseez-faire parents who don't teach their kids the importance of virtues like patience and persistence), or overprotected (by "hellicopter parents" who fly over their kids to ensure that they never have to face consequences or problem-solve their own dilemmas). The author talks about strategies for raising well-balanced kids that respect authority, can cope with disappointment, and know how and why "virtue" sitll matters. (One particularly interesting suggestion is the weekly "house meeting" where the family gathers to openly discuss problems, succcesses, failures, and solutions).

As a special educator, I recognize many of my students in this book. Today's kids are uncommonly unused to disappointment and carry a large sense of entitlement. (I am owed a good grade, because I've shown up to class, and did a few assignments.) The best thing about this book, though, is the author's calm, rational, and never-accusatory tone. She is as interested in outlaying the problem (and what she sees as its origin) as she is about giving ideas towards a solution. Far from a book crabbing about how we need to revert to the parenting of yore, Young-Eisendrath wants to figure out forward-looking solutions to the crisis.

I strongly reccomend this book both to those who are predisposed to agree with its thesis, and (especially) those who might not. "The Sel-Esteem Trap" offers much for us to think about.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must-Read Parenting Book, December 31, 2008

By	KBmom "KBmom" (MA) - See all my reviews

I am a mother who has fallen into the self-esteem trap and is now seeing the negative results in my teen son.

I also work with young children and see firsthand how our current parenting methods of trying to build self-esteem with the goal of creating capable, happy children; is instead producing children who cannot cope with the smallest frustrations, who are too often rude and demanding, entitled and self-centered, and who ultimately do Not feel capable or good about themselves.

The author expands upon these early years and shows that the results of our well-intentioned efforts backfire and produce adults who feel that the world owes them, or that they will be rescued and when they are not, they do not understand and are unhappy, and unable to cope.

It's a long fall and a hard landing off the "special" pedestal we often create for our children...they would be happier learning that they are "ordinary", and that they will struggle like everyone else. Being special sets them apart or above, which ultimately creates more difficulties for them.

Everyone has troubles along the way, including them. Eventually we all face sickness and death, for example. We are weakening our children rather than strengthening them when we try to smooth over and fix every disappointment they face.

Also, she presents this as a cultural issue, a result of the place and the times we live in. I think this is very true and that a new parenting trend must be set, that too many of us are enmeshed in these faulty methods- with the best of intentions.

She is compassionate, and offers great insight and ways to accomplish the goal of raising children to become capable and happy adults.

"...self-esteem includes knowing and accepting both your strengths and your weaknesses" pg 31

I think we leave out the part about accepting your weaknesses, your limitations- I know that I did at least, so I will be using her advice to try and remedy that with my son.

I highly recommend this book.

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Treatise on How to Raise Kids, October 10, 2008

By	Joseph S. Maresca "Dr. Joseph S. Maresca CPA,... (Bronxville, New York USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

The author emphasizes that we need to instill a
sense of values without being overly self-conscious
or critical. Our children should not be taught to
be too risk averse or afraid to face the future.

Problems of low self-esteem can be dealt with via
interdependence and collaborative efforts. Our
conscience should be grounded in virtue and trust
to do what is right. Our early childhood identities
are affirmed and not necessarily changeable.

The primary emotions deal with the following:

o generosity toward others
o discipline and self-control
o patience
o concentration
o wisdom

There are different types of parental control.
Laiseez-faire parents act only if the situation
is unavoidable. They tend to be "laid back"
in their overall approach to raising children.

Helicopter parents don't want the child to feel
uncomfortable so they tend to be detached to
some extent. Nevertheless, children need to
acquire skills to deal with adversity as part
of life. Excessive parental control or problem solving
produces children unable to cope or make real
decisions.

Parents should encourage empathy, role-reversal
strategies, creativity, idealism and non-materialism.
A child needs to affirm his/her identity early on.
Parents should instill the notion of a conscience
to do what is right and to give back to others and
the community at large. Overall, the work is excellent
in instructing parents on coping with child-rearing.