Customer Reviews

The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance

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If I could buy one book for all parents and educators of today's kids, "Self-Esteem Trap" would be it. I write as a high school special educator, and as such, believe that this is a very necessary and prescient book about how we begun raising fragile, self-obsessed, and unprepared-to-cope kids - and what we can do about it!

In "The Self-Esteem Trap" Polly Young-Eisendrath is concerned to delineate how we got our kids into this "self-esteem trap" of too much praise and entitlement for too little effort, and offer advice as to how we can bring them out of it. In her opinion, it started with the '60's and thte "I'm okay, you're okay" movement in parenting. Unlike past generations, parents tried to deal with kids more as equals; creativity and expression was never to be stifled, authority and rules were seen as over-burdensome, and children were seen (albeit undeliberately) as fragile. Paradoxically, the good intentions of trying to take limits off of kids, and desiring for kids to feel terrific about themselves, ended in kids that were more miserable and unable to cope with stress.

Young-Eisendrath goes on to spell out several particular things she finds lacking in today's youth, offering evidence from studies and her own interviews (with patients and those who work with children) for support. The author suggests that today's children are not (a) learning how to deal with adversity and disappointment; (b) learning how to problem-solve real-world situations, and (c) learning how to feel average, rather than extraordinary (humble, rather than brilliant).

Most of the book focuses on these three problems and their corroolaries: kids today are either experiencing too little guidance (from laisseez-faire parents who don't teach their kids the importance of virtues like patience and persistence), or overprotected (by "hellicopter parents" who fly over their kids to ensure that they never have to face consequences or problem-solve their own dilemmas). The author talks about strategies for raising well-balanced kids that respect authority, can cope with disappointment, and know how and why "virtue" sitll matters. (One particularly interesting suggestion is the weekly "house meeting" where the family gathers to openly discuss problems, succcesses, failures, and solutions).

As a special educator, I recognize many of my students in this book. Today's kids are uncommonly unused to disappointment and carry a large sense of entitlement. (I am owed a good grade, because I've shown up to class, and did a few assignments.) The best thing about this book, though, is the author's calm, rational, and never-accusatory tone. She is as interested in outlaying the problem (and what she sees as its origin) as she is about giving ideas towards a solution. Far from a book crabbing about how we need to revert to the parenting of yore, Young-Eisendrath wants to figure out forward-looking solutions to the crisis.

I strongly reccomend this book both to those who are predisposed to agree with its thesis, and (especially) those who might not. "The Sel-Esteem Trap" offers much for us to think about.

I am a mother who has fallen into the self-esteem trap and is now seeing the negative results in my teen son.

I also work with young children and see firsthand how our current parenting methods of trying to build self-esteem with the goal of creating capable, happy children; is instead producing children who cannot cope with the smallest frustrations, who are too often rude and demanding, entitled and self-centered, and who ultimately do Not feel capable or good about themselves.

The author expands upon these early years and shows that the results of our well-intentioned efforts backfire and produce adults who feel that the world owes them, or that they will be rescued and when they are not, they do not understand and are unhappy, and unable to cope.

It's a long fall and a hard landing off the "special" pedestal we often create for our children...they would be happier learning that they are "ordinary", and that they will struggle like everyone else. Being special sets them apart or above, which ultimately creates more difficulties for them.

Everyone has troubles along the way, including them. Eventually we all face sickness and death, for example. We are weakening our children rather than strengthening them when we try to smooth over and fix every disappointment they face.

Also, she presents this as a cultural issue, a result of the place and the times we live in. I think this is very true and that a new parenting trend must be set, that too many of us are enmeshed in these faulty methods- with the best of intentions.

She is compassionate, and offers great insight and ways to accomplish the goal of raising children to become capable and happy adults.

"...self-esteem includes knowing and accepting both your strengths and your weaknesses" pg 31

I think we leave out the part about accepting your weaknesses, your limitations- I know that I did at least, so I will be using her advice to try and remedy that with my son.

I highly recommend this book.

As a young man raised in the tail end of the Gen-X group, I found this to be an excellent read. The doctor talks about everything that went on between parents and children of that generation, what went right, what went wrong, what we can learn from it, and what to do better. It is not an expose or a blame game or anything hostile. Its just an honest look at how kids were raised. The doctor speaks as both a medical professional and mother, talking about what happened with the baby-boomer generation, why they thought what they thought, and why they raised their children the way they did. She talks about how some ideas, (like constant praise regardless of the childs actions), may have seemed like a good idea at the time but looking back was not entirely correct.

She does not blame or verbally assualt parents, and often chastises herself for not knowing any better. She spends a great deal of time explaining why so many gen-x and gen-y kids are now having troubles in their young adulthood and then offers advice for both old parents, new parents, and their children for dealing with their current issues and preventing future problems.

I wouldnt say I was spoiled, especially after 9 years in the Navy, but I often had diffuclty judging my own accomplishments or failures. Growing up in an age of self-important didnt provide clear goals or plans or meters for important events in my life. Having the kind of upbringing I had wasnt always easy, but this lady showed me how to be more realistic, less self-hating and self-depricating, and more able to focus on the truly important aspects of my life, career, relationships, and everything. Reading the book helped me to appreciate my own life even more, now that I am 30 and looking to move up in the world.

Much thanks to the good doctor, I only wish I had read it sooner.

Psycotherapist Polly Young-Eisendrath delivers a sobering reminder of the traits that turn children into well-adjusted adults. Her book is not just a call to return to "traditional" parenting, but a reinforcement of what was good in earlier generations of parenting. Today's parents, baby-boomers raised by post war parents, and who grew up through the tumultuous 60's, have adopted parenting practices that are ultimately harmful to their children. Primary among these parenting errors are "interference", or when the parent gets involved in situations where the child should struggle and learn on their own, in a misguided effort to shield the child from any and all harm or difficulty, and overparising and insisting on telling the child that he or she is "special", capable of doing anything and everything excellently. According to Young-Eisendrath, these practices result in young adults who do not trust themselves and do not know how to confront life's inevitable problems and challenges. In addition, these parenting habits result in feelings of superiority or inferiority, with young adults who lack compassion and understanding toward others, and feel entitled to rewards they have not earned. For those feeling inferior, there is the overcompensation in behaviors to mask the feelings of inferiority.

Young-Eisendrath's prescription is a healthy dose of traditional parenting, where children are required to have responsibilities at an early age, and where they are allowed to deal, where age-appropriate, with life's issues and challenges on their own. Her prescription is structured by her Buddhist beliefs, where virtues from that tradition, like patience, discipline and fortitude, for example, and an emphasis on interdependence, provide the foundation and soil from which children learn that life is hard, that it takes time to achieve anything significant, and that they can develop the internal resources to cope, grow and thrive. Young-Eisendrath's catch-all mindset is that of "being ordinary", or not seeking fame, fortune and power, which are alluring yet ultimately disappointing , and instead focusing on the virtues and practices that lead to a fulfilling, although ordinary, life.

Polly Young-Eisendrath has written an important book that parents of middle-schoolers and teenagers ought to read before their kids go to college. One of the most important points is that today's young people have an abundance of information at their fingertips but lack real world experience that tests their mettle. Parents play an essential role in helping their children develop the life skills necessary to succeed in today's world. Too often, parents want to run interference for their kids and smooth the way, and tend give more to their children then the parents expect in return. This results in kids who get frustrated when things don't go their way. Young-Eisendrath reminds us why we need to provide our kids with opportunities, such as working in the community, that help them learn to navigate life. Highly recommended. (A longer review can be found at http://www.iparentblog.com/2009/06/iworld.html)

I am very happy that I read this book. I have learned so much from it. Though I am struggling with how to implement all that was discussed. I took a lot of notes along the way. Her ideas are achievable, it will just take some processing time for me and my relations. I am also fighting against buying the book for everyone I know with children. :)

EDITED: On her website is a workbook she made to help expand on the ideas and strategies in the book. [...]

As a parent and a teacher, this author is right on about what is going on in our society. Previous posters give great descriptions of what is in the book.

I would add as a caution that adults reading this book may be offended or defensive and start to blame others, but they need to stay calm and reflect.

No one wants to do the hard thing in our society and talk about what adults haven't done right, but this author is willing to do it. A true hero, who is willing to sacrifice herself for the betterment of others.

Every adult should read this book!

The author emphasizes that we need to instill a

sense of values without being overly self-conscious

or critical. Our children should not be taught to

be too risk averse or afraid to face the future.

Problems of low self-esteem can be dealt with via

interdependence and collaborative efforts. Our

conscience should be grounded in virtue and trust

to do what is right. Our early childhood identities

are affirmed and not necessarily changeable.

The primary emotions deal with the following:

o generosity toward others

o discipline and self-control

o patience

o concentration

o wisdom

There are different types of parental control.

Laiseez-faire parents act only if the situation

is unavoidable. They tend to be "laid back"

in their overall approach to raising children.

Helicopter parents don't want the child to feel

uncomfortable so they tend to be detached to

some extent. Nevertheless, children need to

acquire skills to deal with adversity as part

of life. Excessive parental control or problem solving

produces children unable to cope or make real

decisions.

Parents should encourage empathy, role-reversal

strategies, creativity, idealism and non-materialism.

A child needs to affirm his/her identity early on.

Parents should instill the notion of a conscience

to do what is right and to give back to others and

the community at large. Overall, the work is excellent

in instructing parents on coping with child-rearing.

I don't have kids & never plan to...I skimmed this book at the library while waiting in line and couldn't put it down. It gave me such surprising insight and perspective on my own upbringing, and on some personal challenges I've struggled with most of my life (debilitating streaks of perfectionism, for example). Great book for anyone who ever had trouble growing up, anyone who was ever a "brat," anyone who struggles with perfectionism, and anyone interested in the often invisible influence of cultural trends on parenting.

I am so thankful to Dr. Young Eisendrath for this insightful look at a current mental health disorder epidemic. This answers a lot of questions about the recent (or not so recent) rise in narcissism and entitlement issues so many of our angry, unhappy teens display. As a high school teacher, I have experienced this first hand. This book helped me move beyond wanting to strangle my self absorbed students and find some empathy for their experience. At the same time, this book offers some clear cut solutions to the narcissism epidemic and gives wonderful advice to parents trying to avoid raising children who feel they deserve unearned priveledge... or who care more about their image on facebook than how their comments hurt another. It offers a plan for raising happy children, by suggesting that we allow them to deal with their own adversities rather than jumping to the rescue and that we teach them to live a life based on the virtues: honesty, persistence, kindness, patience, courage, gratitude, generosity, wisdom, and authenticity. This book is at once terrifying (for the future) and hopeful, and gave me a game plan, at least.