Customer Reviews

Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back Again

5 star:		(67)
4 star:		(36)
3 star:		(13)
2 star:		(12)
1 star:		(11)

 

 

I was lured by the title/cover photo....I was hooked by the synopsis and thought this would make a diverting read. I knew I would laugh at Ms. Vincent's exploits and adventures, what I was completely unprepared for was the sense of sadness that overcame me as I finished 'Self-Made Man'.

In her guise as "Ned", the author explores such bastions of manhood as strip-clubs, the world of dating women, a monastery and a men's support group. Her experiences are intriguing as well as entertaining and will make most people think about how men and women are perceived by each other.

I think this book should be required reading for any woman who is currently married, engaged to or in a relationship with a man. It made me seriously examine my attitudes towards men and my perceptions of their behavior. It underscores so sublimely the need for men and women to HONESTLY communicate with each other...on ALL levels.

The most telling point for me was when the author was at the men's support group retreat, when the members drew their heros & some drew Atlas holding up the world.

Read this book with an open mind, whether you are male or female and you will see there is more to it than just a cool stunt just for its own sake. I hope people will pick it up and give it a chance.

Norah Vincent is a respected journalist who went "under cover" by dressing as a man for an extended period of time. She interacted with men and women in various contexts: joining a bowling league, working a high-pressure sales job, even spending weeks at a monastery. She writes candidly about her experiences in "Self-Made Man." The book is funny in many places, unexpectedly poignant in others, as Vincent discovers some unsettling truths about what it's like to be a guy in today's world. The book is particularly refreshing in that it is not a guy-bashing book: one of Vincent's conclusions is that it is difficult to be a man and she writes about the different expectations and cultural conventions that affect the way men act and interact. Vincent is also frank about the effect her deception had on her: she is troubled by her deception and writes in the last chapter about her own emotional breakdown after she leaves her alter ego "Ned" behind.

A thoughtful, honest, fascinating book that will make you laugh and make you think. Brava, Ms. Vincent!

I gained more insight into male behavior from Ms. Vincent's viewpoint than I have as 46 years of living as one myself. I'm extremely glad she didn't do a superficial travel log through the world of men, or a "why men suck" type of expose.

The only thing that I didn't like about the book is that it left me wanting more information on some of the friends she met as Ned. Her writing made me as fond of her cohorts as she seemed to become herself.

Highly recommended reading that folks will clearly be talking about more and more.

"Self-Made Man" takes the premise of the 1982 movie "Tootsie" where Dustin Hoffamn plays a straight male cross-dressing as a woman and reverses it : a gay woman cross-dresses as a man. As a woman, Ms. Vincent was curious what it would be like to be a man (in much the same fashion that John Griffin wondered what it would be like to be a black man in the 1960's in his "Black Like Me").

Ms Vincent is an insightful, observent writer without having any preconceived agenda for her project. Don't let the book cover fool you into thinking that the book is a publicity stunt -- she is a journalist writing about a culture that is unfamiliar to her. The book is funny and serious with her insights into the world of men -- she is generous with her assessments of the advantages and the emotional drawbacks of being male. "Self-Made Man" is not a male-bashing book and either gender would enjoy reading of Ms. Vincent's adventures.

Recently, a woman ended our dating relationship because she claimed she'd, "eat me up," and needed a different personality type in her life. In other words, I wasn't "man" enough for her. So, I wanted to get a woman's perspective on manhood to see where I might be lacking. How do they see us? What do they expect from us? I was initially worried that this book might be a repeat of Maureen Dowd's dreadful "Are Men Necessary?" But a quick skim of "Self-Made Man dispelled that notion. It's a well-written, thoughtful analysis of masculinity.

Norah Vincent disguised herself as a man, took the name "Ned," and then infiltrated a number of male-dominated venues (a blue-collar bowling league, a monastery, men's movement meetings, etc.). Like anyone venturing into a new culture, she went into our world with a number of preconceived notions. However, she was constantly surprised by her findings, and ultimately came to respect the male gender.

Although the entire book was fascinating, a couple of chapters were more applicable to my quest. For example, her take on the dating scene in Chapter Four was spot-on. As men, we have to endure a ton of tactless rejections. Women consider us losers and/or predators until we prove otherwise. Perhaps that explains my current ex's statement that, "a man views a woman as an accessory to add to his life, like a big-screen TV. However, a woman has to take on the man's life, have his kids, and so on. Therefore, she has a lot more to lose, and has to be much more discerning." While that's a somewhat cynical take on the situation, she has a point. But I'm dismayed that she confirmed the author's findings about the adversarial nature of modern thirty-something dating. It makes me lean even more towards lifelong celibacy.

Of course, Ms. Vincent also reveals the broken parts of the male world. The "In The Company Of Men" atmosphere of a sales office and the tightly regimented relations at the monastery were highlights of masculine dysfunction. But the author doesn't sugarcoat the faults of her own gender, either. Despite their own flaws (or simply disregarding them), the romance-seeking women she encountered, "wanted a man to be confident. They wanted in many ways to defer to him (110)." But they also desired, "a man who was vulnerable to them...someone expressive, intuitive, attuned (111)." I know I can't live up to both ideals at once, although I struggle most with appearing confident. The author's findings gelled with my experience, and I felt that I had a better understanding of why my latest relationship didn't last.

At any rate, "Self-Made Man" is an excellent analysis of masculinity in 21st century America. Norah Vincent gave me the insightful woman's perspective I was seeking, all unsullied by the sound of a grinding axe. It's ironic that someone of her persuasion would craft a much more respectful and even-handed take on manhood than many straight female writers. Highly recommended.

Immersion reporting, especially to expose social injustices, has been a long-standing tradition in journalism. One only has to think back to Laura Z. Hobson's "Gentlemen's Agreement" (or Elia Kazan's classic film adaptation) where a Gentile journalist poses as a Jew, or John Howard Griffin's "Black Like Me" where the author, a white man, disguised himself as a black man for a year. The idea of gaining a perspective alien to one's experience produces insights that cannot be discerned as acutely when studied objectively. Such is the compelling, though hardly groundbreaking idea behind freelance journalist Norah Vincent's decision to disguise herself for 18 months as "Ned", i.e., to understand firsthand what the true gender divide is all about.

Vincent's tone is thankfully not conciliatory. Rather, she provides a series of sociological observations that enhance our awareness of what separates men and women. We have been manipulated by years of Hollywood movie cross-dressing (consider films like "Some Like It Hot", "Tootsie", "Yentl" and "Victor/Victoria") that push us to surmise that the so-called battle of the sexes is one that can be overcome by simply putting oneself in the other's shoes. What Vincent finds - and perhaps the most penetrating insight she provides in the book - is not an unacknowledged commonality between the sexes but instead a gender gap that is even wider than anyone cares to admit. Fortunately, she does not use this revelation to produce a feminist tract, as she shows how women can be as presumptuous as men when it comes to understanding motivations and behavior.

Vincent points out that the mutual ignorance has been especially evident of late since the expectation of women has come with the feminist movement. In fact, from Ned's perspective, Vincent learns that men are trapped by their own patriarchal prejudices and that women are not remotely inclined to learn men's language. Not only do men have ways of communicating that women don't understand, but men are further burdened by not being proactive social animals among themselves. For example, she discovers that men will rarely stare at other men unless as a provocation to fight or as an unwanted homosexual advance. Instead, if men's eyes meet for more than a moment, one or the other would look away immediately never to look back. Such are the unspoken rules of behavior for men to ensure their self-inflicted independence.

The other aspects that Vincent shares are somewhat more predictable as they have to do with more obvious acts of sexism. Taking on a job that involves her working closely with an all-male sales team, she hears the inevitable sexist comments and naturally needs to support and participate in such macho revelry. However, Vincent recognizes that these displays are really hiding emotions compartmentalized by machismo-centric custom. In turn, she idealistically encourages a liberation movement to free men from their isolation. Of course, Vincent discusses the perils of dating as a man and claims to be surprised at how much sexual power women have over men and in what manner they display it, often with an unblinking coldness that seems to be a response to their disempowerment in other areas of life. As Ned, she is not lacking for confidence or entitlement to authority, but it becomes a strain to keep up the façade of arrogance to reflect Ned's innately manly attitude.

The intriguing twist of the book is that Vincent is a lesbian, so her accounts of dating have a double-edged sense of irony, especially when an attraction to a woman named Sasha leads Ned to divulge her true identity and surprisingly does not meet resistance. Of less interest are the strenuous efforts Vincent takes to encompass the full male experience - joining an all-male bowling league, ordering lap dances at strip clubs, participating in male bonding retreats, spending three weeks in a Catholic monastery. While the experiences provide some amusing anecdotes, they really don't add any resonance to her findings. At the same time, Vincent provides an enjoyable, sometimes revelatory read with her clear-eyed reportage.

As an old-school feminist, I began the book with all the pre-conceived notions about men that we've gathered over the years and hugged to our chests.

Bam! Norah Vincent dispels all of those and more in this can't-put-down book. A woman posing as a man. Sensational? Perhaps. However, Ms. Vincent has managed to write an unbiased, often touching and frequently very funny book about the lives men lead.

A lasting moment from the book, in my mind: Vincent's description of a male handshake with another man, warm and welcoming, v. a woman-to-woman hug and air-kiss, superficial and fleeting.

Certainly a landmark book, especially for those of us women who truly want to appreciate men and empathize with them.

Norah Vincent has written a profoundly interesting and ultimately quite humane book about her experiences being treated as a man for eighteen months. It's difficult to evaluate a review about such an emotionally and politically charged subject without context regarding the person writing it, so for the record I'm white, male, heterosexual, Catholic, and quite politically conservative. I voted for W twice and I'd do so again. I suspect that Ms. Vincent and I disagree on almost every subject. That said, this book is an important contribution to the national conversation about gender, and I'd urge anyone interested in the subject (which should include anyone in a relationship) to read it. I should caution readers that the author sometimes uses the vocabulary of academic feminism, "queer theory," and such, which can be jarring. Try to get past it -- it's really just vocabulary, not an agenda. Finally, there have been and will be questions raised about the veracity of her story, especially in the context of recent revelations about other authors' "fake but accurate" memoirs, and there are some moments that do ring a little false (she spends the first chapter talking about her experiences at Monday bowling night -- what in the world was she doing for the other six days of the week?). If she proves to have embellished some of this book, it will detract from but ultimately not destroy its importance

I purchased this book, intrigued by the premise. I'll admit that it did immediately remind me of the ground-breaking 1959 work, "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin. I read that classic in the early 1960's and was deeply and emotionally affected by its simple, clear message. I had hoped to gain some insight from a woman's perspective to see if it correlated with my own experiment in the 1960's. What I found here both delighted and disappointed.

First, the delights. I was impressed with Vincent's candor and her ability to at least self-examine with less prejudice than I might have imagined. Although sounding self-important and having an edge of the usual female superiority so often found in mainstream feminist writings she can be excused somewhat due to her prejudiced frame-of-reference. I was also appreciative, though not dazzled, by her ability to explain her actual feelings as she experienced her journey through a admittedly limited male world. I also appreciate her honesty in not trying to present the book as anything other than what it is - her personal journal.

Vincent avoids making what would have been a very flawed mistake to claim this was some great work of social consciousness, which it may be to many, less insightful women. The fact that she easily gleans revelations into the state of being a male in modern society and relates them accurately as far as she is able to see them is almost overshadowed in many places by her inability to follow one set of circumstances to a logical conclusion. I chalked that up to a simple inability to be able to experience literally everything, which had to affect her ability to collect and process certain facts.

To me, she made some of her most honest discoveries in trying to date women as a man. Many things she relates in this part of the book will sound familiar to most men. But the flaws come, as with this portion, in her inability to actually experience the full impact of her "male" journey by not possessing the hard burning core of testosterone coursing through every cell in her body. Even so, she correctly does experience some of what it feels like to exist in a world where even though you may be seething with raw, naked emotion, it is buried under the surface as a survival mechanism. She does correctly perceive the undercurrent of pure unadulterated violence that lies just under the surface of male society, with every move through that society as avoidance mechanisms to defuse potential deadly violence.

I think the thing I enjoyed most was the surprising discovery, to her, that women throughout modern society treat men pretty badly. I smiled through those passages, having also experience both sides of this equation myself.

Now the disappointments: I was most thoroughly struck by the end of the book by the choices she made for which segments of society to "invade" in her search for truth. I think her choices had to limit her ability to discover what she sought. For the most part, she chose to enter into groups of the less powerful, less assertive, less aggressive segments of male society. Her group of a men's bowling league seemed to be safely in the midst of beta-male blue collar America. This was perhaps the closest thing to a normal societal segment she found. The others were a society of monks, a men's group for troubled men (yes Nora, they would be considered "troubled" by mainstream males) and a group of overly-self-important door-to-door salesmen. Maybe had we been acquainted I may have been able to help more, sometimes a co-conspirator can be of immeasurable help. She did demonstrate that in the bowling league with the one man she confided in first who helped her in return.

For counterpoint, as examples, lets say that she instead picked a group of male social scientists, or a group of successful engineers or how about something like a VFW group? Those may have given her some different insights although they may have been more dangerous to her person. It reminds me of a conversation I once had with a prominent social scientist. I asked her which group she'd rather work with, male social workers or male engineers. After nearly falling off her chair in laughter she replied "The Social Workers, hands down." When I asked why, she replied "The engineers picked apart every single little thing and demanded full explanations with proof for everything she said." I think those are the kinds of differences she missed.

Another major disappointment was her failure to pick up on some real issues when she readily recognized the surface symptoms. For example, she remarked at length about how men went to lengths to help and instruct younger males - mentoring the feminists call it. What she - and they - fail to recognize is that such acts are not benevolent. First, the acts are raw demonstrations of male dominance. To wit, I can instruct you, therefore I am superior to you. Further, if I can instruct a subordinate then I am more dominant that those who may appear to be my equals. That is why men will sometimes vie for the privilege to be instructors or "mentors", if you insist on that term. Finally, men doing instructing my teach a subordinate everything the student knows but they will never teach them everything the instructor knows. That helps to ensure the instructor always has an edge over "the upcoming competition." Vincent, for her part, completely misses this important aspect. There are a number of other examples in the book of similar opportunities she missed in each segment of the book but it would take too much room to list them here.

Finally, the most disappointing aspect of the book overall is her too frequently exercised habit of writing in physcho-jargon. Although I had no trouble discerning it myself I think many readers who may have been interested would shy away from the book just because of that. But, perhaps she meant it for a limited audience.

Overall, the book is excellent and worth the time. I'd recommend the book to the more literate segment of adults.

I read this book in just a few intense hours (at the airport, on the plane, in the hotel room) and I do recommend it, but there are a few things that I wish the author would have addressed. Given the nature of her disguise, perhaps it wouldn't have been possible, but, I would have like to have seen her go beyond the bowling league, strip bar, door to door salesmen and "male encounter groups" to something a bit less extreme, if less dramatic.

Many men lead lives far removed from the slices Ms. Vincent chose to explore - and less dramatic. It would have been interesting to see her navigate the JayCees, Knights of Columbus or Lions Club, or to see her encounters with young boys and teenagers, still in the process of forming their ideas of "manhood".

I hope this isn't the last word we hear from the author - I am genuinely interested in what she has said, and what she has to say.