Customer Reviews

Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(12)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

What I enjoyed most about Self-Made Man was Vincent's insistance on putting herself in difficult situations. Being a woman passing yourself off as a man in bowling leagues, strip clubs, in a monestary, at a male-only retreat, as a salesman, and even dating, would be nerve-wracking to say the least. Had she not taken such risks, the book would have suffered quite a bit. As it is, it ranks right up there with Black Like Me in terms of its journalistic and analytical worth.

One might argue that Vincent concentrated too much on the extremes of male behavior and not enough on the work-a-day, average joe; however, such an argument would fail to grasp her reasons for delving so far into the margins of masculinity. Vincent's insistance on putting herself at the edge of the most personal, secretive, cloistered, and sometimes seedy male environments created the conflict and drama necessary to reveal men at their finest and weakest. The reactions of the men around her to the situations they found themselves in and her own observations about both those men and herself pinpoint and amplify the attitudes of those involved, both implied and expressed, in a way that observing the hum-drum of the "regular guy" would not.

I was often struck by how well Vincent's thoughts on the subject of men mirrored my own as a man. I was gratified that she was able to cull a sense of sympathy for the plight of men in the search for their masculinity.

One thing that struck me about Self-Made Man was Vincent's insistance on creating fairly intimate relationships with the people she was writing about. Every chapter contains reflections on her guilt at deceiving those subjects she had befriended along the way as well as an urge to reveal her gender to them, which she did in nearly every instance. To me, this pattern revealed more about the author than it did about the men and women she met. I got the feeling that Vincent was "coming out" to her subjects--as though she were playing out a bit of psycho-drama lingering from her days as a closeted lesbian.

In her chapter on dating in particular, I found her rationale for coming out to the women she had been "dating" as a bit self-serving, and really made me wonder at the state of mind the author was in to slingshot a gender study exercise into a chance at seducing an unsuspecting gal or two. In a way though, I could hardly blame Vincent. She was fulfilling two deep-seeded desires in one fell swoop: the need to confess and the need to get laid. A wonderful two-for-one, don't you think? Although, this chapter started to make me wonder at Norah's motives.

Often I thought Vincent was seeking intimacy and sympathy from her subjects and often it seemed inappropriate. I got the sense of a person in great need of acceptance and likewise that she was either consciously or unconsciously creating situations in which she would require forgiveness. To be sure, I can understand Vincent's guilt at deceiving the decent and kind folks she related to as Ned, but a simple apology and explanation in an afterword of the book would likely have sufficed. Yet, Vincent gravitated toward a series of dramatic confrontations with her subjects in what seemed to me to be bouts of self-flagellation. It felt like she was doing penance superficialy for her lying, and that more deeply than that, she was doing penance for her lesbianism. Still deeper, under the heaps of guilt Vincent piled on herself, was the search for approval.

These layers of psychological need made Vincent's views fascinating, but not always believable. Her hospitalization for a nervous episode at the end of the book speaks volumes about her mental state, but it does so in a way that undercuts her rationale for being hospitalized. In fact, it was in writing about herself that Vincent showed the greatest degree of obtuseness and obfuscation. It's unfortunate and quite understandable, but ultimately diminishes her credibility.

Still, when she concentrates on masculinity and men, Vincent is incisive and thoughtful to a great degree. I found much of the book illuminating, and I think that women in particular would gain a better perspective on men through this book.

I got this book after reading a favorable review from one of the mainline orthodox Christian magazines.

I have one word after reading it: "Wow!"

As a late-blooming man (I am coming to grips with masculinity at 56 years old), I found this book one of the best at exploring some of the aspects of what being a man is.

Although the language and some of the stories (to this Christian's viewpoint) were at first deeply offensive, I found that when I worked past that, there were really insightful and touching observations. Who would have thought that it would take an undercover dyke (her term for herself, not mine) to observe men in just a select few 'native environments' to shatter not only her own, but my preconceived ideas and prejudices as well. Between the lines, there is much material to ponder about the strengths, weaknesses, and illusory 'advantages' that accompany being a man in this society.

She also hints at the mystery of gender - Are gender roles imprinted by upbringing and society (however badly that is done), or are there biologically encoded norms that are being daily played out in the love-hate dance between men and women? She does not answer that question, but that was not her purpose.

I am recommending this book to a select few of my Evangelical Christian friends who are mature enough to handle the raw, blunt (and often vulgar) sexual language with which she writes.

Norah Vincent's foray into masculinity suprisingly shed light on the ways that she feels that men are suffocated by the structure of gendered expectations. The book is written for an educated lay audience and would also be well used in the classroom.

There are places in the book where she falls into mainstream cultures misunderstandings about women's studies or feminism that I found troubling. However, her otherwise honest reflections on masculinity were enlightening and I've found that I've been thinking more about this book in the two weeks since I've finished it.

The chapter that I continue to reflect on is the one where she describes dating as "Ned." It was illuminating to get the sense that dating and rejection is hard for men. I never would have thought about it in the way that she described it. The quiet desperation that some of the men exhibit in the section about strip clubs was also sad. Sad that some men feel utterly compelled to have no real connection to women, as women, but rather to look to women as objects or a sexual fetish of some sort.

Overall, I found that the book was well-written. And, if anything I was really saddened to see that once again we expect men to be emotionless. It must be terribly lonely to not feel that it's acceptable to express your emotions. I think I have more empathy for the way that gender suffocates men. I am well aware of the punitive consequences of gender and gender roles on women, but I think that Vincent provocatively addresses heterosexual men in her snapshot as Ned.

Oh, one last comment. I do think that her experiences as Ned and "coming out" as Ned to some of the folks (men) she met were influenced by her Lesbianism, as were the dating relationships that she had with some of the women. I do think that a straight woman traveling/transforming as a man would have had a different experience, since she would not have been a potential object of affection for the any of the people she came out to, for instance.

That said, I think her lived experience also influenced her understanding of gender. I don't think that these are weaknesses of the book, but something I felt compelled to note.

Being especially interested in the study of masculinity, I was excited to read this book after hearing about Vincent's initial concept and consequent project. I held off buying the book for awhile, and only purchased it after it came out in paperback. After completing the book a few nights ago, I must say that I almost wish that I had forgotten to read it. In reading the book, I was expecting a courageous account of how difficult it was for a woman to navigate male culture in disguise, and further, how her ensuing journey would complicate simplistic understandings of gender roles in contemporary American society. Instead, I got gratuitous condescension heaped upon a wide variety of underdeveloped-male "characters" - the working-class man in particular, and the emotionally handicapped male in general. Vincent's work is by no means insightful, lacks any real tension, and was tedious to read. The only worthwhile part of the book was the author's discussion of her nervous break that resulted from her experiment. It was the only part of the book that seemed somewhat honest. Yet, while this final discussion elicited some emotional response from me, I could not help but feel a little manipulated - was this addendum a desperate move to add credibility to the banal observations that littered Vincent's work? I grant that Vincent's experiment was a courageous one, too bad the author could not break out of rigid stereotypes about both men and women to actually add something worthwhile to discussions of masculinity and gender in a world where such discussions are sorely needed.

This book hit me on a personal level and was ultimately transformative. After a painful divorce (30 years of marriage), I have been very down on men, stereotyping them and having very low expectations. In an attempt to start healing that misandry, I've been reading a variety of books about men and male psychology. After reading this book, I still have issues to work through, but my perspective on men has been broadened and deepened in a very positive way. I respect other reviewers who quibble with issues in the book, but I found that the overarching emotional aspects of Ms. Vincent's account resonate as true. I now see men in a different way: as complex and emotional beings who have a lot to grapple with regarding society's expectations. [Obvious, perhaps, but I didn't really 'get it' until now.] As much as I value the positive aspects of feminism, this book has guided me toward greater *humanism* in the recognition that we all experience doubt, insecurity, and pain, whether we are able to show it to others or not. [I borrowed this title from the library, but found it so helpful that I'm buying a copy for myself.]

I was browsing at Costco the other day and the cover of this book caught my eye. I read about a page and a half and was hooked. Since reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul, I've been reading a lot about masculine spirituality (and modern masculinity in general). Vincent's book should be an integral part of anyone's studies in that area, and writers would be remiss to dismiss this book out of hand (and why hadn't I heard of it until now?).

Although Vincent can't help but interpret her observations through the lens of her feminist education, she is refreshingly honest about that, and remarkably open-minded when her perceptions crash up against her long-held beliefs.

That she comes from a perspective almost antithetical to the so-called men's movement makes her conclusions all the more valid. I want to say that she "doesn't have a dog in the hunt," but isn't it true that we ALL have a dog in the hunt? Enabling greater understanding between men and women serves us all. I recommend "Self-made Man" to anyone interested in gaining a greater understanding of the male animal.

I am conflicted about what to write in this review. On the one hand, it is a unique story that captivates you from the first page to the last. On the other hand, her esoteric analysis of the experience and the conclusions she draws from it appear far-fetched. I found myself skipping the paragraphs containing all the feminist rhetoric because I was more interested in the actual situations and exchanges she had with men and women, more than her analysis of men in a post-feminist modern world. Overall, an interesting read.

Good read, but the conclusions she reaches are a bit questionable. Largely, this is a good book if you want to know what it is like for a woman to pretend to be a man. It is not so good if you want insight on what it is like to actually be a man. Let's look at each of her experiences:

1. Dating. She engages in primarly in either trying to pick up strangers or dating people she meets on Interent match sites. Naturally, she encounters much rejection with the former, and bad experiences with the latter. Well, what did she expect? It is always best to try to meet people in friendlier social settings and spend some time with them before asking them out. Naturally, this is not an option for Vincent, as her own social circles are closed to her as far as this experiment goes.

2. Sales jobs. She tries out being a man in the workplace, but the problem is that she ends up working the worst type of job out there - the door to door salesman. The firms she applies reject no one, and everyone works strictly on commission, so her co-workers are not exactly the cream of the crop of society. Vincent complains about off-color and masogynistic behavior at work, and, again, what did she expect? These are very seedy environments.

3. Monastery. Vincent joins an all-male community, and therein lies the problem. These people are not normal. The brothers actively shun females and choose to live a life of chastity and largely solitude (even pets are not allowed in the monastery). Naturally, these men will have issues.

4. All-male retreat. A bunch of guys with daddy issues go to a retreat and try to get in touch with themselves and so forth. Again, this is not normal, and most men do not do this and have no need for this. So naturally, she is going to encounter guys with emotional problems.

Here is a quote toward the end of the book. "Being a guy was. . . a series of unrealistic, limiting, infuriating and depressing expectations constantly coming over the wire, and you just a dummy trying to act on the instructions." Seriously, I do not know a single guy who thinks this. Now, naturally, for a woman pretending to be a man and not knowing how to act in certain situations, yes, this must be how it feels. But this is not what "being a guy" feels like to an actual guy.

This book has had a much more lasting effect than I expected. I would have reviewed it much like the folks who gave it three or four stars when I first read it a couple of years ago. Since then, so many times I've had experiences which recalled this book, especially as a dating woman. In the dates I've had since reading the book, I see how much really bad dates have hurt men, too. We hear so much about how men can be such jerks, but women can certainly be too. Informed by what I read in these pages, I see the after effects of the reverse side of bad dates for men. Fortunately, I've never been a horrible date, but reading this book has made me a much more compassionate and better date. Several times, I've recommended it to friends, men and women, stymied by the other sex. Who'd have thunk I'd learn this from a woman?

I was very surprised by this book. When I began reading, I expected something quite different. The author, a feminist and a lesbian, spends a year and a half as a man. She joins men's groups, tries to pick up women, gets a job, and engages in the every-day activities of the modern male. I expected it would be a fun adventure. After all, we women always think men have it easy. The author did, too. What she found was something quite different. Men struggle every day just as women do. They struggle with relationships, emotions, and their bodies. Sometimes their struggle is even more profound because of the expectations people have of men. The bonds between men can be profound, too. The author describes all of these discoveries with stories about her adventures and character studies. These are the best parts of the book. Some of the stories are positively riotous. Others are very touching. The author also does a bit of analysis, and I wish she hadn't. The stories and descriptions are so powerful, I think it would have been best to allow the reader to form his or her own opinion. The analysis bogs down the book a bit and overstates the emotionality of the subject. The fact is, men are different than women. That fact can be celebrated! The author puts a decidedly more negative and sad spin on it. The book is worth reading for the stories. When the author waxes philosophical, you can just skip a few pages.