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Childlessness is not pitiful, disgraceful, or unnatural. This is the fundamental point in "Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed," edited and with an introduction by Meghan Daum. The majority of the essays that appear in this collection are articulate and eloquent. Most of us are familiar with the stereotype of affluent and carefree adults who have decided not to reproduce. They have fulfilling jobs, travel wherever and whenever they please, take part in a host of recreational activities, and enjoy get-togethers with friends and family. In addition, their homes are quiet and pristine, with no toys cluttering the floor, and no sounds of screeching youngsters. This may be a portrait of some childless individuals, but it does not accurately represent all of them.
The essayists, three males and thirteen females, are professional writers, so they are not necessarily representative of the general population. The majority of their pieces are witty, insightful, and honest; it is a pleasure to read such lucid, reflective, and poignant prose. We learn a great deal about why these individuals decided to forego parenthood. They describe, among other things, their traumatic experiences at the mercy of indifferent, abusive, or negligent mothers and fathers; a gut feeling that they did not have what it takes to properly nurture children; their craving for a predictable routine and the freedom to write without distraction; and their realization that they enjoy the company of other people's sons and daughters, but are happy to hand them over to their moms and dads at the end of the day.
Every thinking and feeling person's heart goes out to infertile people who would love nothing more than to have a child.Read more ›
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48 of 52 people found the following review helpful
Meghan Daum set out to capture the diverse reasonings of men and women who choose not to have children in this anthology of essays. She writes in her Introduction: "I wanted to show that there are just as many ways of being a nonparent as there are of being a parent. You can do it lazily and self-servingly or you can do it generously and imaginatively."
This book rightly runs the gamut of those attitudes. Some essayists view motherhood as an infringement on the individual (Courtney Hodell) or a cultural imperative masked as maternal instinct (Laura Kipnis). Others approach the issue from an entirely different angle. That a history of depressive episodes may impact some future child (Elliott Holt) or how a larger group's decision to not procreate could lead to shifting demographics (Lionel Shriver).
I was struck by how many of the authors felt the need to say they love children. To dispel the image of the childless ogre living alone and loveless. Even the term childfree is questioned for its analogizing children to something dangerous like cigarettes.
It was those essays that were a bit more unapologetic about the choice (because, parent or not, it's a choice most of the time) that made the most impact. That didn't feature a seemingly throwaway statement of gratitude to a sibling who afforded them the right to live without judgment for not giving their parents a grandchild, or suggest they have filled the cultural script in some other way by being successful in another area of life. There are ways to live that are neither child-focused nor career-focused, and those are the most interesting to me.
It's a shame Daum only sought submissions from professional writers.Read more ›
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24 of 26 people found the following review helpful
Meghan Daum has collected the essays of 16 fellow writers for her book, "Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed:Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids". Of the 16 authors, 13 are women and three are men. Most of the writers are straight and the others are gay. Some are married, some are single. Many are in late middle-age; the rest younger. But they are all together on their decisions - and these ARE conscious decisions - not to have children.
Just as there are 16 authors, each has a different reason to be child-free. Most seem to point out that they had bad or indifferent parenting and were afraid they themselves would be bad parents. Others had no maternal feelings; their "biological clocks" had either stopped ticking or had just never started. And some were just plain "selfish"; they enjoyed the benefits of living without the obligation to provide for others and to put the lives of their children first. Oh, yes, they are selfish.
Okay, but what's the problem with being "selfish"? Or "shallow", or "self-absorbed"? Isn't it "selfish" to think the world can't get along without our genetic lines continuing for at least another generation? And to have children because we'll have "someone to take care of us when we're old" seems more than a mite bit "shallow". The same words that have been tossed at many of these authors can also be turned back onto we who have chosen to have children.
The 16 essays are really short-stories. Each "story" captures a life different enough from the one preceding it and the one following. All, though, seem to begin with their own childhoods and end with the relief that for whatever reason, they chose not to have a child.Read more ›
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