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Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents Paperback – February 1, 2008

364 customer reviews

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Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents + When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives + The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love
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Editorial Reviews


“If you've experienced the sweet relief of sudden shade after foolishly attempting to cross scorching hot pavement barefoot, expect the same sweet emotional comfort from Bottke's book.”
--Marion Bond West, author of Praying for My Life

"Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is packed full of practical, useable, workable ideas and is a welcome tool for parents of grown children, and parents in pain. I know many families will be helped, and many parents will feel like their sanity and their life has been given back to them.”
--Pam Farrel, bestselling author of Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti and The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make

"Allison Bottke's transparent writing jumped off the pages and into my heart. I didn't feel looked down on or preached to while reading. Instead, I experienced a bond with a woman who has the guts to show us, ‘This is where I've been. This is how crazy it got. We don't have to live this way.' She puts those beautiful life-changing Twelve Steps back inside me where they belong.”
--Julie Garmon, freelance writer

“From the opening pages of this book, readers know Allison Bottke understands firsthand the struggle which parents have setting boundaries with their adult children. This book combines the personal stories from Allison with practical hands-on help to escape the insanity and move toward hope and healing. She mixes her own heart-stirring experiences with sage advice from many others. This book is easy to read and yet for some will involve tears. It is a much needed resource that hopefully counselors and many others will read, then recommend to others.”
--W. Terry Whalin, author of more than 60 books

About the Author

Allison Bottke is the award-winning author of the acclaimed Setting Boundaries series, which includes Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents, Setting Boundaries with Difficult People, Setting Boundaries with Food, Setting Boundaries for Women, and The Young Women's Guide to Setting Boundaries. She is the founder of the SANITY Support Group, an outreach based on the Setting Boundaries series (more than 150,000 sold). Her other books include the God Answers Prayers series, and she is the founder and general editor of more than a dozen volumes in the popular God Allows U-Turns anthology. She has written or edited more than 30 nonfiction and fiction books, and is a frequent guest on national radio and TV programs. Allison lives in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Awards Win


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Harvest House Publishers (February 1, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0736921354
  • ISBN-13: 978-0736921350
  • Product Dimensions: 0.5 x 8.5 x 5.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (364 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #10,869 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Allison Bottke is the best selling, award-winning author of more than 28 non-fiction and fiction books, including the acclaimed Setting Boundaries® series and the popular God Allows U-Turns® series. She is a frequent guest on national radio and TV. Allison also teaches writing workshops at a variety of conferences on subjects such as inspirational creative non-fiction and brand development. She also conducts private consulting and developmental editing. Allison lives in Texas.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

337 of 347 people found the following review helpful By Carol Wall on July 30, 2008
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
One day I was sitting in my recliner, not having a pity party, but just evaluating my life. I have a son who is a successful doctor. Another owns his own plumbing company. Another is sought after in the field of computer programming.

I also have two grown children that I sometimes refer to as my "gifts- that just keep on giving". These 'kids' are 32 (my youngest son) and 36 years old (my husband's bipolar daughter who is also on street drugs). If ever the Lord has spoken to me (and I know He has) was this day. Thoughts were flowing. "I don't know what NORMAL is. I tried to envision what it would be like to have a family gathering where my functioning kids could interact with the two 'outsiders'. What would it be like to not cringe when the phone rings with the next drama, to plan a vacation for me and my husband where we could just go and have a GREAT TIME without worrying about which one of them were having a crisis! I went on to the realization that "I am all USED UP. There is no more. There is NO joy in my life. No smiles. No laughter. No fun. No hope". Just me, waiting for the next round. My functioning children don't even KNOW me anymore because I have been so consumed with the two that require my time, energy, money and support.

Keep in mind, this was NOT a depressing awakening. It was LIBERATING! But I realized I needed a support system because it wasnt going to be easy to keep from falling back into my routine of "fixing" everything for every one else. I started looking for reading material and am so thankful that I ran across this book. I empathized with the author about her son - she and I shared the same feelings and some of the same experiences. The entire book just clarified to me what I needed to do to REALLY help these children.
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101 of 113 people found the following review helpful By Jean on August 14, 2011
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I do think there is a lot of good information here and I am sorry but being honest to say that it so relieved me in comparison to my situation that I was counting my blessings . But keep in mind, if your child is not a drug addict wanted for murder you may not need to get as tough with your boundaries as the author did. I recently was given some very insightful professional input that basically recognized that my son had suffered through much heartbreak mental and physical and that even though he had moved back in ,acting entitled,angry and like a classic prodigal (wasteful living), abruptly setting harsh boundaries could push us both into something that could take years to mend! I read a blog where the topic was how to re-establish a relationship with estranged children. There is a middle ground between being an enabling door mat and causing a rift that can not be mended. The great advice I was given that worked in my case was to slowly start setting limits. I knew I could do this. So I read this book and some others and made my gentle action plan to begin by not paying my son for yard work anymore. I told him he didn't have enough cash to contribute to the household so his contribution would now be mowing etc. our half acre. He's on a family share plan for the cell phone and I told him any week it wasn't done the cell would be turned off. I also told him any drama over lacking gas money or those kind of things would not get him any money anymore. I set the limit with calm intent when nothing was going on... Ready for the drama when it comes. For those of you with a son on the most wanted list you may get more from the book than I did.
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87 of 99 people found the following review helpful By Pat Hollingworth on May 17, 2008
Format: Paperback
I was listening to Neil Boran one day and he spoke about giving..I wanted to know as a Christian - when do you "stop" giving - and he highly recommended this book "Bottoke"..sorry just can't think of the name right now and I lent it to my sister. We have had a family crisis for almost 4 years now where we have been supporting our brother (50 years) and it is going nowhere. He continues to be destructive, critical about the world, and does not take responsibility for "his" responsibilities. He continues to make things worse for him and his sisters (6) have been picking up the pieces...this book brought great insight into the situation, it made me realize that I need to trust God for his well being, I am part of the problem..and now sharing with my other sisters who continue to "feel" sorry for our brother. It does not help him and I have now taken a firm stance with the understanding that God does not "expect" me to take on my brother's responsibilities..yes we help, we love, we try guidance and support but enough is enough because when he does not listen - it becomes our fault..and it is true. We enable them to depend on our support and they can do as they please as there are no consequences for their actions. God needs to be his support not me or my sisters..( my brother is a Christian and has been longer then I have). His actions and behaviours were confusing me in my own walk with the Lord and it was scaring this book has brought me guidance, support, comfort and action on how to deal with this. Most of all it helped me deal with my guilt and build my "trust". True love of someone - sometimes will hurt terribly, but ultimately I am trusting the Lord that what ever my brother's ends/situation will be - it is between "him" and God..Read more ›
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