Customer Reviews

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

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As a step parent of a very "Spirited" and "Strong-Willed" child, I can acknowledge first hand that the methods and philosophy of this book WILL promote harmony and cooperation. Maybe not initially but certainly in the long term. "Setting Limits" deals with discipline issues associated with the nine temperamental traits: 1.Persistance, 2.Intensity, 3.Regularity, 4. Distractability, 5.Energy and Activity Level, 6.Sensitivity, 7.Adaptability, 8.Reactivity, and 9.Mood.
The author is also the parent of two children, one compliant, easy going, and the other one strong-willed/demanding so he can relate with the parents who scream, "nothing works with this kid!".

This book is NOT about harsh punishement but rather teaches respectful limit setting, which is an essential teaching tool. It teaches parents to give children clear, respectful messages to convey the necessary information for the child to make acceptable choices. To focus on the behaviour in a way that does not belittle, criticize or shame the child. Although parents may genuinely feel that they are giving a clear "Stop" message to their child, they are sometimes unwittingly giving a yellow or even green light to unwanted behaviours. The strong-willed child interprets these vague massages as "Optional requests" or learns only that the behaviour upsets or angers the parent. This may lead to increased limit testing to see where the boundaries really are, especially if they enjoy making us jump and yell. It sometimes seems that Strong-willed children need to learn everything the hard way by agressivly testing all limits or restrictions (much more than compliant children) to see where the bottom line really is. They are aggressive researchers who leave parents little room for ineffective discipline. There is not much to prepare a parent for dealing with a strong-willed child, and unfortunately they tend to bring out the worst qualities in parents. A child that can argue and debate like a courtroom attorney, develop sudden hearing loss, or dawdle until you are late for work. Parents easily fall into ineffectual ruts of predictable reaction based on our own upbringing and parenting assumptions.

The good news is that the solution usually involves doing much less than what the parent is probably doing at present. You must accept and acknowledge that this is part of the childs personality/temperament, and that they will always need a little more structure and consistancy than compliant chidren. It does not mean they can't learn to cooperate and observe family rules. This book shows parents how and "WHEN" to negotiate rules, what behaviours should be ignored, which ones must be corrected and most importantly "How to do it!".

The most impressive part of all the books I've read by Robert J MacKenzie, is the weath of realistic examples. Every point is thoroughly illustrated for clarity, with discipline scenarios which all parents can readily idenetify with. There are sections on motivating your strong-willed child, encouraging independence, teaching skills, and role-modeling

The entire book is aimed at teaching your child self control. Some books on the challenging children seem more focused on avoiding conflict and undulging the child, which might be great for the short-term, but how can it possibly prepare the child for the real world.

I would also highly recommend reading the book "The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids" by Swihart and Cotter.

Out of the dozens of parenting books I've read, "Setting Limits" is certainly one of the best written and sound discipline books for strong-willed children.

As a kindergarten teacher as well as a parent of strong-willed 5-year-old twin boys, I too often found myself yelling louder, reminding more often and searching for stricter punishments to get the children to cooperate...Nothing was working! I needed a new approach...and Dr. MacKenzie has given me the understanding and the tools to set limits effectively without losing my sanity. I learned how I was part of "the dance" of non-compliance and I realized that I would have to change my behavior first before I got a positive change in the behavior from the children. I learned the difference between "soft limits" and "firm limits" and the importance of my actions supporting my words; then, the kids began respecting the rules because they knew I would follow through with consequences. It was an eye-opener to realize that by me constantly reminding...I was actually teaching the children to ignore (at least the first few times because they knew more reminding was coming)...by giving unclear open-ended directions...I was actually setting the situation up for clarification, testing and conflict...and by bargaining and making deals out of desperation...I was actually giving the kids the opportunity to control the situation as they decided to up the ante the next time! The best part of this book is the real life examples of exactly what to say and not say to the kids. It is as if the author has been looking in my windows as my twins defy me in so many of the exact same situations. I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not alone in trying to get compliance instead of defiance from my boys.

I also would like to recommend another very helpful A-Z compendium entitled "The Pocket Parent", a convenient pocket-guide with a very similar philosophy that is exclusively written for parents of normal but often challenging 2- to 5-year-olds. If you have toddlers and preschoolers, it is a great practical companion book to "Setting Limits" because you can simply turn to the specific challenging behavior of the moment (like hitting, morning crazies, interrupting, bad words, lying, whining, etc.) and get some quick bulleted suggestions to try. You do not have to read "Pocket Parent" cover to cover...but rather consult each chapter topic as you need it. Both books have great anecdotes and a welcome sense of humor throughout. "Setting Limits" and "The Pocket Parent" have helped me get more cooperation at home and at school and are both worthwhile additions to a home or school reference library!

It is amazing how well this very great, very practical book documents typical family interactions. All of the examples are very realistic, and reading them makes you say, "Yes, exactly, that's exactly what happens with me and my child." By simply drawing these interactions out on a timeline, MacKenzie shows how much effort can go into verbal sparring with your child, and how this sparring is an insidious, counter-productive, and self-perpetuating process. I learned some simple lessons from this book that fundamentally changed for the better the way I interact with my 9 year old daughter.

First, some kids, for a variety of reasons, are strong-willed, and in most cases it's nobody's fault they are that way. So get over worrying about why your kid is strong willed. Parents who were compliant children themselves can be especially puzzled by their strong-willed children, and want to look for an answer to "what went wrong?" But in most cases nothing went wrong.

Second, when strong-willed kids challenge your rules with defiant/testing behavior, it is very easy to see the whole thing as a power struggle that they are constantly drawing you into as part of a sinister plot to make your life as unpleasant as possible. In contrast, MacKenzie very helpfully suggests that, when you child tests and challenges, you simply remind yourself that your child is strong-willed, and the way strong-willed childred learn about the world is to test limits. The purpose of testing these limits is not to make your life hell. It is their way of genuinely *asking* the question, is this thing I'm doing okay? That's their job, to ask questions about behavior in this way -- it's how they learn how the world works. So your job as a parent is to answer that question (usually the answer is "no") as clearly and consistently as possible, and to patiently answer it as many times as is necessary for the lesson to be learned. The kid tests, you reply with the clear answer, everybody's just doing their job.

Third, all of this can be done in an incredibly respectful way that is not punitive, threatening, or patronizing, without yelling or spanking. MacKenzie guides you through it step by step, using examples that ring true because they come from regular old real life.

If you are frustrated by your interactions with your strong-willed/difficult/defiant child, this book could very well make your life and your child's life much better.

I bought this book after being fustrated with my very strong willed 20 month old. It's not really geared towards toddlers but it applies all the parenting and discipline principals you need to use it on a toddler. It teaches you what parenting style you are and how it will relate to your childs attitude and then how to adjust the two to work together. I truly think this book has saved my life and both my husband and my sanity. We implemented the time out's as the book explains and after 1 week we saw a huge difference in our son. We no longer needed to raise our voice or smack his bottom to get a response from him. He would tune us out if we didn't. After the first week of using these methods he reverted and tested us more but the book says this is normal and by the third week we were finally getting another turn around in his behavior and responses. He no longer kicked and punched or bit when he was having a tantrum and if we asked him to stop playing with something that was off limits he would weight the consequences and 50% of the time test us to see if we would follow through with the time out. After 8 weeks I am proud to say he is an angel child. Temper tantrums are almost non existent and if you ask him to stop doing something he stops because he knows that we will follow through with the consequence (ie. time out or taking something away from him.) I am now telling everyone I know about this book. This book is not just for strong willed children it would work on any child and the chapter on different parenting styles is the key. I learned I was actually fueling a lot of the conflicts with my son. It helped me to see that both my husband and I had as much changing to do as we expected from our son. I also like that you achieve this with no yelling and no hitting. It's all based on consisitency. We hope everyone has as much good luck as we have had with this book.

Although I wasn't crazy about the author's derogatory tone toward any parent who spanks, I found this to be a great basic parenting book. It is not, however, truly geared toward parents of strong-willed children. The underlying premise of the book is simply, "Make your limits clear, enforce them - period - and your child will comply." As the parent of a very strong-willed preschooler (as well as a more "average"-willed grade schooler), I find this, frankly, offensive. His strong implication is that if my child is not behaving, overall, the way I would like her to be, then it must be because I'm permissive or overly harsh.

Actually, the children he describes in his examples are clearly not exceptionally strong-willed, because they all respond very quickly to simple consequences. They may not be exceptionally compliant, but neither are they particularly strong-willed. The strong-willed child will find any way humanly possible to circumvent consequences - or just hold out until they're through and then return to what he was already doing. Unfortunately, time outs (enforced as necessary by physically carrying the child to his room and then holding the door shut until time out is over) is the only suggestion he makes that I can imagine actually working with a strong-willed child. Even if I wanted to use time outs for everything, they don't work for everything, so the book still leaves parents of strong-willed children without the ability to consistently enforce the house rules.

To offer a few examples:
A situation is described in which a child arrives at the author's office and refuses to stop twirling his chair. As a consequence, he's told to sit in a stationery plastic chair. and he reluctantly complies. This would only work if we were prepared to physically place her in the other chair and then hold her there, probably screaming, the entire time we attempted to hold a conversation.

In another instance, a child was refilling his squirt gun from an off-limits faucet. As a result, he lost the use of the squirt gun - by handing it over to his mother. My strong-willed child would never have handed over the gun; unless we could forcibly remove it from her hands without fear of harming her (for instance, by accidentally breaking one of the fingers she has clamped around it), and then literally lock it away until she's allowed to have it back, this would never work.

As a final example, a preschooler is described as dawdling over getting dressed for preschool. She's given twenty minutes to finish getting dressed, at which point the clothes are gathered into a bag and loaded into the car along with the half-dressed child. We are told that the child will "scramble to finish getting dressed." Mine would not. Even if she would, how can a young child safely get dressed in the backseat of a moving vehicle?

All in all, I really did find this a good presentation of basic parenting principles. But for those who are already familiar with sound parenting, and seeking techniques that work with very stubborn children, it really isn't helpful.

Dr. MacKenzie provides an excellent guide to grow healthy, well-adapted children. I read the book with interest when trying to cope with my strong-willed eight-year-old son. I could see that my discipline methods were not being effective. Resistance was increasing and I could see how difficult it was going to be trying to discipline him when he reached adolescence.

I followed the author's advice not to change your ways until finishing the book. I am glad I did. Please be patient. As you read the book, you will be anxious to try his methods. Please wait and you will get all the tools you need to change the way you communicate with your child.

The book takes you through the different discipline methods people use and explains why they are ineffective. It helps you understand why you use those methods and what you can do to change. It also covers simple ways to correct your message so your child understands it.

In a few words, the book teaches you to be send clear messages, set firm limits, and be consistent.

I started using Dr. MacKenzie's suggestions and my son's responses have changed dramatically. I do not hear "It's a free country!!" anymore. Our relationship has changed from constant tension to a more relaxed and happy environment.

I still slip once in a while and I immediately notice it. I wrote the main points in a couple of 3x5 cards to remember them. It takes practice being a good father. I encourage you to practice Dr. MacKenzie's advice. You will be glad you did.

I picked up this book at the library yesterday afternoon, read the first four pages and was completely hooked. By the time I went to bed several hours later I had read the book cover to cover and felt pure, unadulterated relief. Why? Because I felt the author knew my son and even our family, personally. There were so many things that related directly to our situation, that I was astounded. That aside, I think one of the biggest things was that someone was telling me that my son is normal and he was not behaving the way he does because he's malicious or is malfunctioning in some way. The other eye-opener was understanding how my husband and I were unintentionally fueling many of the situations with him. He is just so different from our daughter that we were baffled most of the time. In fact in the course of the evening (I was only about 1/2 way through the book) we had a classic showdown with homework. I applied what I had learned only moments before and it worked! I almost broke out in giddy laughter, but figured that would probably be inappropriate, given the moment. This is a great book and I would recommend it to anyone who has a strong-willed child...or an "aggressive researcher" as the author also calls them. It's such a relief to know that my family is not headed for a complete meltdown, we just needed a little guidance. Thank you Dr. MacKenzie!

We bought this book after our second child was born. Up until then, we had almost always been able to negotiate and work things out with our bright, VERY persistent three-year-old. But following the arrival of a new sibling, his behavior grew more and more obnoxious, and empathizing with his difficult feelings (which had always worked before) only seemed to make him more angry. Finally, we decided that he needed to learn to cope with his feelings without making everyone else miserable. In some ways, I feel that this book has been really helpful for us in coping with our own, very real limits as parents... i.e., we can't always "help" our kids with their feelings to get them to improve their behavior (especially on no sleep, with a new baby...) Sometimes, they have to "suck it up"! I gave this book 4 stars instead of five ONLY because I generally think it is better to see things from your child's point of view before doling out consequences, but if you find yourself yelling and threatening (as we did!), or giving in when you know better, this book gets you off that ride really fast. Then you can take a deep breath and start listening to your kids again.

I was so impressed by the readings of this book I bought 10 copies to hand out. I tell people I do not know about this book.

I spent hours crying in my closet thinking what did I do wrong, and how can I run away from this. Hours of being pushed to the limit.....No more my friend. I LOVE THIS BOOK!! I highly reccomend this to any parent that struggles with their child to get them to listen and do!
Thank you so much Robert MacKenzie for making this so easy to read and to understand. To get your children to listen without a struggle simply saves you and them from anger and frustration. It works wonders!
Bless You

I found this book very useful with my highly active, challenging three-year-old daughter. Before reading this book, it seemed like I had to yell before she paid any attention, and even then she usually didn't listen. This book helped me see that the messages I was giving my daughter were inconsistent and overly emotional. Now I can deal with her in a calmer, more effective way. Now I feel much happier with my disciplinary style, and I am getting much better results.
I prefered this book to some other discipline books I have read. It seemed to be more concrete and practical than the Dr. Sears book on discipline. I recently read 1-2-3 Magic, which has a similar theory to Setting Limits (use time-outs, be consistent, don't get emotional) but gives you just one technique and style for every child and every situation. The Setting Limits book gives you more choices and ideas.