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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work [Kindle Edition]

John Gottman , Nan Silver
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (464 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $15.00
Kindle Price: $8.06
You Save: $6.94 (46%)
Sold by: Random House LLC

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Book Description

Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality, so Dr. John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage. As a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, he has studied the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over the course of many years. His findings, and his heavily attended workshops, have already turned around thousands of faltering marriages.
        
This book is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward in their approach, yet profound in their effect, these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work. Gottman helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict when it does occur and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved.
        
Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr. Gottman's workshops, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the result of Dr. John Gottman's many years of closely observing thousands of marriages. This kind of longitudinal research has never been done before. Based on his findings, he has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage.
Maintain a love map.
Foster fondness and admiration.
Turn toward instead of away.
Accept influence.
Solve solvable conflicts.
Cope with conflicts you can't resolve.
Create shared meaning.

Dr. Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide couples on the road to revitalizing their marriage, or making a strong one even better.

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen

Review

"An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent -- and long-lasting -- marriage."        
-- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
-- Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way

"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic."        
-- Newsweek

"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today

"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer

"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World

"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Product Details

  • File Size: 478 KB
  • Print Length: 288 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 0752837265
  • Publisher: Crown Archetype; 1 edition (February 4, 2002)
  • Sold by: Random House LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B000FC1KCU
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,934 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
645 of 661 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
After watching marriage-advice books catalyze the destruction of my first marriage, I did not think I would find myself reading any more of these books soon. But I heard an interview with Dr Gottman on National Public Radio and I was so impressed that I ran out, bought the book and read it. The thing that makes the book so good is that it is based on rigorous, scientific research (you know, set up an experiment, collect data, look for patterns in the data without inserting your own preconceptions and report it). Although I found that most of Dr. Gottman's findings were not particularly surprising, I still found the book to be extremely useful because out of the many possible things a person could do to improve their marriage, this book tells you which ones really matter. The book also gave me a good sense of the problems that are encountered in happy marriages. For example, about 60% of the conflicts that happily married couples have are unresolvable (perpetual). This fact alone would have helped my first marriage a lot considering all the good will that we burned up trying to solve problems that were not solvable. Dr Gottman found that happy couples accept that these problems are unresolvable and can learn to live with them without damaging their relationship. As an analogy he points out that people with bad elbows can live very rich and rewarding lives as long as they don't make playing tennis a central part of their lives. In summary this is a great book that people who don't like marriage advice books can enjoy (as well as those who do).
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1,725 of 1,799 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Debunks a million myths, offers sound advice January 22, 2003
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I practiced psychotherapy in New York City for fourteen years. Though I had training as a marriage counselor in addition to my main training as a psychotherapist, I turned away more couples than I accepted. Most years, I didn't take on more than one or two couples, if that.
There were many reasons for this, but fundamentally it was that marriage counseling rarely works. (About thirty-five to forty percent of the time, and half of those relapse, according to the best research.) I had made a vow when I went into training that I would never take on patients that I did not honestly believe I could help. (I can't say that I kept that vow sterling, being human--but I tried.) Most couples, I believed, could not be helped, so I didn't want to take their money or waste their time.
In hard, cold truth, most of what most marriage counselors teach is just made up. Concocted. Without any sound research base. That's just a fact. When I was in training, I was utterly shocked at this. I was appalled at the simple-minded dogmatism of marriage-counseling orthodoxy.
Most mental health care has a flimsier basis in research than its proponents admit (or even know, often), but in marriage counseling, the paucity of good research was almost total. (This evaluation of the low scientific basis of mental health care is not some private crackpot theory of mine; I wrote it up in my book "Cultures of Healing," which was published by the book-publishing arm of Scientific American in 1995 and will be republished, under a different title--"Health and Suffering in America: The Context and Content of Mental Health Care"--next year by Transaction Publishers/Rutgers.
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487 of 526 people found the following review helpful
By J. Lund
Format:Hardcover
A very reasonable as well as scientific approach to marriage. Many marriage-oriented books offer logical short-term band-aids (e.g., focusing on perceived Mars/Venus gender differences, communicating better, smoothing over conflicts) that make for a provocative read and/or admirable goals, but by and large fail in the long-run to resuscitate shaky marriages. Gottman creates a path for marital success via theories and exercises with an established track record for success. Many people wouldn't think that a fit marriage has to be exercised regularly, no less than one's body through regular workouts. Gottman's book serves as the ultimate guide to marital fitness, yet is a valuable read even if you are unmarried or have already experienced a failed marriage.
Good marriages don't necessarily have less conflicts than bad ones. Gottman gets under the surface and digs into such deeper issues as the maintaining of HONOR and RESPECT for your partner in the heat of all-too-common battles. Along the way he punches holes in a lot of marriage-counseling paradigms. In short, this book can improve a good marriage (or any similiar commitment between two people), heal a salvagable one, or explain why a bad one got to or beyond the point of no return. Or even serve as a form of CRUCIAL pre-marital counseling.
My question, why isn't there a mandatory course in marriage at the high school level that incorporates Gottman's research? Wouldn't the knowledge gained be of as much or more importance than any other accumulated as teenagers head into adulthood? I consider topics such as those raised by Gottman to be of enormous value for my daughters to read (and discuss!) when they reach their mid-teens...better too early than too late!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars good book
there is so much practical advise in this book.

most relationship books are based on a lot of theory of principles, but this books actually approaches relationship from... Read more
Published 12 hours ago by M. Choi
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Book
Bought it for school. It has a fabulous point of view and would be wonderful for engaged couples through those needing a bit of advice.
Published 3 days ago by Stacy
5.0 out of 5 stars THE definitive book available if you want to help (or spice up) your...
I'm heavy into self help and have read tons of books out there from all the other major authors. They all say the same thing, pretty much. Read more
Published 6 days ago by The Authentic Outlet
5.0 out of 5 stars saved my relationship
Doesnt take much to fix a relationship . this one ssaves mine. wait a go Gottman your a great help
Published 7 days ago by ryder schwartz
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent resource
As a Pastor of 40 years experience it is good to finally have some information on marriage that is actually based on good science. Read more
Published 7 days ago by Robert O. Calderhead
5.0 out of 5 stars Just finished reading
I am getting ready to get married and i am glad i read this book. It helps me to understand the adjustments that i would need to make in order to have a peaceful marriage with my... Read more
Published 7 days ago by Multi !!!
5.0 out of 5 stars marriage support
this book teaches you about new research on the 7 main things you need to look for in a succsful marriage relationship and highlights the things that need further attention to... Read more
Published 8 days ago by Patrick C.
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Practical Exercises to Improve Your Marriage
I was feeling discouraged in my marriage and decided to go to counseling with my husband. Just as described in this book, the focus was on how to communicate. Read more
Published 9 days ago by VLS
5.0 out of 5 stars the best advice I've ever been given
It's not all encompassing, but that's not the point. These are essential tools to learn. That in itself will impact the specific things he doesn't cover. Great stuff here:)
Published 11 days ago by Ammon Anderson
5.0 out of 5 stars the seven principles
I received the book. And it included all 7 of the principles that were in the title. I think it would have sucked if it said seven and I only got 5 or 6. Read more
Published 18 days ago by Alexander Kojfman
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the marriage delusion - the fraud of the rings?
Mr. Buchanan - You seem to be trolling through the Customer Discussions looking for even the most trivial excuse to promote your book. At least this forum is dedicated to your book. I just want to make a couple of observations. First, if you are going to call yourself "The book... Read more
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MARRIAGE - #1 cause of misery in the world today
Mr. Buchanan - You seem to be trolling through the Customer Discussions looking for even the most trivial excuse to promote your book. I just want to make a couple of observations. First, if you are going to call yourself "The book reviewer," you probably ought to review at least one... Read more
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Mr. Buchanan - You seem to be trolling through the Customer Discussions looking for even the most trivial excuse to promote your book. I just want to make a couple of observations. First, if you are going to call yourself "The book reviewer," you probably ought to review at least one... Read more
Sep 11, 2009 by John Condron |  See all 4 posts
Welcome to the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work forum
I woulk like to know If the Author recommends this or other books for soon to be Newllyweds
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Mr. Buchanan - You seem to be trolling through the Customer Discussions looking for even the most trivial excuse to promote your book. I just want to make a couple of observations. First, if you are going to call yourself "The book reviewer," you probably ought to review at least one... Read more
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Free copies of new book on marriage - time for some realism about marriage? Be the first to reply
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