Sex and the Spiritual Teacher: Why It Happens, When It's a Problem, and What We All Can Do [Paperback]

Scott Edelstein (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 1, 2011

Sex and the Spiritual Teacher looks at the complex of forces that tempt otherwise insightful, compassionate, and well-intentioned teachers to lose their way—and that tempt some of their students to lose their way as well. It analyzes why most of our current efforts to keep spiritual teachers from transgressing usually don’t (and in fact can’t) work—and, perhaps most importantly, it suggests a set of practices and structures that can build community, encourage healthy student-teacher relationships, increase trust and spiritual intimacy between teachers and their students, and help authentic spiritual teachers stay happily monogamous or celibate. Sex and the Spiritual Teacher is for anyone who is or might become part of a spiritual community: students, teachers, clergy, lay leaders, and even casual visitors. It’s a reader-friendly, no-nonsense guide to making spiritual life safer and fuller for all of us—one person, relationship, and community at a time.

Product Details

• Paperback: 264 pages
• Publisher: Wisdom Publications (March 1, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0861715969
• ISBN-13: 978-0861715961
• Product Dimensions: 0.8 x 6.4 x 9.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #537,695 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars "Sex and the Spiritual Teacher: Why It Happens, When It's a Problem, and What We All Can Do." October 25, 2011

By Linda Compton

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Given my personal and professional experiences with this painful and all too pervasive topic, I was indeed interested to read this book. Many years ago, on my college-sponsored study trip to India, one of my Philosophy professors (who was also Chairman of the Department) and our spiritual teacher (a native of India), pressured me for sex. While young and unsure if rejecting the advances of the two most powerful men in my declared major might damage my grades (or worse), I was nonetheless clear about being completely uninterested.

Fast-forward a few decades. As a seminary graduate and ordained Protestant clergy, I was called to serve a church which had just gone through the process of removing its married senior pastor for various abuses of power, including multiple affairs with women in his congregation. My charge was, in part, to help with the healing process.

Mindful of my own experiences, these are the thoughts that came to me as I read Scott Edelstein's book, "Sex and the Spiritual Teacher: Why It Happens, When It's a Problem, and What We All Can Do...."

*this is a tremendously smart and highly readable resource based on research and experience
*woven throughout is the commitment to creating a deeper understanding of the potent dynamics between students and teachers within spiritual communities, and offering ways to make them safer and more effective
*there is a call to action, complete with guidance and direction
*contains excellent materials for increased awareness and prevention
*here is a thoughtful work with depth, insight and empathy that combines scholarship with everyday examples from real life, and unflinching clarity that includes compassion, accountability and a stand for justice
*this guy has a real willingness to tackle the tough issues with honesty, humanity and (where appropriate and most welcome) humor

If this book were required reading for all seminarians, spiritual students, teachers and seekers, and all governing bodies and boards of our various faith traditions, I believe that collectively we could redeem, restore and heal much of what has been lost, broken or damaged within our culture where healthy and safe boundaries have been violated. And importantly, prevent many future abuses of power and misconduct.

Additionally, I believe Edelstein's definitions and descriptions, though-provoking questions, and his specific guidelines, suggestions and examples extend beyond our spiritual communities to address the broader dynamics of leadership and authority within relationships, communities and institutions. His treatment of gender differences is truly first rate. He looks with a keen and perceptive eye at the very real human proclivity toward the use and potential abuse of power in its many guises and expressions. I highly recommend this book. Read more ›

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Plenty of puritanical rhetoric, but little substance May 13, 2013

By Barry Graham

Format:Paperback

The subtitle of this book is mostly a false promise. There's a little bit about why it happens (or rather why the author thinks it happens), and about what can be done about it, but there's really nothing about why it's a problem - just the author's repeated statement that it is.

With the avalanche of sex scandals at centers of spiritual practice, this is a timely and necessary book - so it's disappointing that it's such a shallow one.

Edelstein seems well-intentioned, and he's an engaging, witty and entertaining writer. Surprisingly, he's also a Zen practitioner. I say "surprisingly" because Zen is about leaving the prison of self, getting out of your own way, but Edelstein is so wrapped up in his own core beliefs he not only can't see beyond them, but doesn't seem to realize that they need to be supported. Instead, he just states them, apparently thinking they stand by themselves.

Examples of his core beliefs:

Sexual relationships between students and teachers are always wrong. Why? Because they're always bad for the student. Why? Because Edelstein says so.

Polyamory means "sleeping around." Actually, it means "many loves" or "multiple loves." People who identify as polyamorous typically have simultaneous romantic relationships, and are not necessarily promiscuous.

Spiritual teachers should either be in monogamous relationships or they should be celibate. Why? Because Edelstein says so.

Teachers who have sex with their students shouldn't be teachers. Why? Because Edelstein says so. What does he say about the acknowledged great teachers who are known to have had sexual relationships with students? Nothing. There is no discussion of them at all....

Even if a teacher does not have sex with his students, his personal life is still the business of his students. Why? Because Edelstein says so.

When a teacher begins a relationship, he should tell his students and introduce his new partner to them. Why? Because Edelstein says so. What if his new partner isn't interested in spiritual practice, or at least not in his tradition, and doesn't want to meet his students? The possibility apparently hasn't occurred to Edelstein, since there's no discussion of it.

Edelstein repeatedly tries to hide his puritanism by telling us that he thinks sex is wonderful, enjoys it himself, and thinks there should be more of it in the world - just as long as it's within committed monogamous relationships.

Despite all its flaws, I think this book could still be useful, but only to organizations, not individuals. Even though it contains almost no discussion, its various unsubstantiated claims could be the starting point for lively debate within spiritual communities in the process of figuring out their policy on teacher/student relationships. They'll have to not only find their own answers, but provide their own questions, because there are few to be found here. Read more ›

4 of 5 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars took a long time for a book like this - it's a start July 17, 2011

By Constance L. Kosuda

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

next book of this type should feature a state-by-state list of resources for the victims of this type of abuse - including lawyers who are willing to sue for reduced costs (taking into account that most victims would have given most of their resources to the "gurus" involved ) , mental health services , support groups, etc.,

but it's a great start.

painful to read in parts - it's so accurate.

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Everyone involved in a spiritual community should read this book March 12, 2011

By Anonymous

Format:Paperback

This is an invaluable book that turns toward a topic that so many people turn away from. Scott Edelstein brings compassion and wisdom to exploring the understandable, human reasons these transgressions often arise, without wavering in the clear message that they must be avoided for the sake of all members of the spiritual community. He provides clear, helpful guidelines that all community members can follow to avoid these situations or address them when they have occurred. I highly recommend this book for spiritual teachers and students, and really for anyone involved in a teacher-student relationship.

-Lizabeth Roemer, Ph.D.

1.0 out of 5 stars no understanding or sympathy for Men May 14, 2013

By Stevan Kelly

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Scott Edelstein writes " there's no ideal pronoun for referring to a hypothetical spiritual teacher." Then goes on to add " however, when I write of a hypothetical teacher who has sexually transgressed-or been accused of transgressing-I've used a masculine pronoun,simply because(as we shall see later) the great majority of such transgressors are male. This strategy, while imperfect, seems most reader friendly." Well Scott, this strategy does not really seem friendly to THIS(male)reader! I suppose there is some value in the fact that the author is clear right at the beginning that he's not going to have anything meaningful to contribute on the subject as far as it relates to men and men's experience. This is definitely not the compassionate and deeply wise book we need. What a shame.