Customer Reviews

The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido

5 star:		(33)
4 star:		(12)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Where was this book ten years ago? My wife and I have been fighting about sex for over ten years. When we first got married, sex was great with each passing year, she wanted less and less. Our fights have gotten uglier because I've been so frustrated. I've suggested that she go to her doctor but her only response is that "its my problem." That's how our fights always end.

When I saw this book- great title, by the way- I bought it and read it in two days. The author describes what I've been feeling to a tee. I couldn't believe it. I asked my wife if she would read it too and she shocked me and said yes. I'm not sure what happened to her, but I can tell by her actions that the book is making an impression. She's been more affectionate and she even agreed to talk to a counselor. We're not out of the woods yet, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I have hope that things can get better and that I don't have to spend the rest of my life celibate.

"Show me a couple who has a mutually satisfying sexual relationship and I'll show you a couple I can pick out of a crowd. There's an almost visible bond between them-the gentle touches, knowing glances, laughter and warmth when their eyes meet. You can feel the connection between them." (Davis, p. 32)
How many couples miss this with their partner? Sex becomes a chronic source of tension in too many relationships. One partner has a high drive; the other one has a "leave me alone" attitude. Michele Davis offers excellent advice for those wanting to rekindle their sexual relationship and strengthen their marriage. She makes astute observations, such as noting the assumption many woman have that their husbands want sex because "having sex is like scratching an itch; it's a purely physical need." She continues,"I am convinced that one of the grossest misunderstandings about sex is the belief many women have that men desire sex because they just want, or better yet, need a physical release. It's true that men (and some women) love an occasional quickie without much emotional hoopla. However I've been privileged to hear men describe the way they really feel when their wives aren't' interested. And if you've assumed that your husband wants sex just to "get off," what I've heard will undoubtedly surprise you." (David, p. 56-7)
This book is an easy read, with plenty of relatable examples and excellent tips, i.e., sexy solutions. Davis has an excellent understanding of both partner's dilemmas and she bridges the understanding and communication gap that so often leads couples to divorce or to suffer unhappy marriages. She helps you recapture that mutually satisfying sexual relationship, and more broadly, that soulmate relationship, you may have lost with your partner.

I am a 38 year-old, attractive woman whose husband could care less about touching, caressing or making love to me. Until I read this book, I thought I had the only marriage in America that was a pretty much platonic. It's not that we have no sex, it's just that it is so infrequent (and always me that has to initiate) - that this makes me feel less than womanly. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this kind of a marriage.

Now, after reading this book, I've learned that I am not alone and I am forever grateful for that. Even though other men still seem to be attracted to me, I had convinced myself that there must be something wrong with me. Now I don't think so anymore. I also learned that I've probably been doing all the wrong things to change the situation. I plan on changing my approach immediately. I get very angry and critical and I can now see how that turns my husband away. I feel much better already knowing that I have a plan. I highly recommend that anyone dealing with this issue in their marriage read this book. It's well-written and it will make you feel that the author has been hanging around your bedroom. For me, this book is a Godsend.

The Sex-Starved Marriage does an excellent job of explaining each partner's position in a sexually mis-matched marriage. The book was a real eye-opener and provided insight from each partner's perspective. As a low-desire partner, it helped me gain an understanding of how my rejections over the years have affected my spouse. It made me see that as the low-desire partner, I am always setting the pace. How fair is that? I disagree with the Editorial Review which stated that Michelle got too personal in the last chapter disclosing information about her own marriage. Her disclosure made her words have more meaning because she is not only speaking from experience of dealing with couples who faced this issue, but from her experience in her own marriage. I recommend this book for any couple interested in improving their relationship, both in bed and out. Don't wait till you have a problem to read it. If you are engaged to be married, read this book now to help you prevent problems later.

If you and your spouse have been fighting about sex, don't go another day without reading this book! It gets at the heart of why couples find themselves saying and doing the same old things and never resolving the differences they feel about sex and emotional intimacy. What a relief it is to finally understand our never-ending battle about sex. My wife and I, married for fourteen years, have spent the last seven debating about our sexual relationship. It's been incredibly frustrating. I plan on following the advice in the book immediately and I will keep my fingers crossed that I can get my wife to read it when I'm done.

In regards to the reviewer who said this book was about sexual techniques- WHAT???? I'm not sure what book he was reading, but it definitely wasn't this one. This book is NOT about sexual technique at all. It is primarily about the deep relationship and emotional issues that drive couples apart and what they can do to change things. It would be great if this book were distributed when couples apply for their marriage licenses. It could cut back on the divorce rate.

I am a skeptical, "glass half empty" kind of guy who has absolutely no use for self-help psychobabble written by "experts" for people who can't think or feel for themselves, or who don't have friends to talk to. These books are for people who call psychic hotlines. So could I really have had tears in my eyes as I read this book? Nah, must have been the allergies.

My marriage has been floundering for a while, and I have tried everything to fix it. I am not one of those people who thinks that problems in a relationship are the other person's fault, nor am I emotionally bottled up and unable to (more or less articulately) express my feelings. Yet my efforts, and my issues with my marriage, have consistently been ignored, dismissed and minimized. I was at the point of giving up and accepting that my marriage was just a loveless partnership for raising kids. Ever more distant from my wife, she finally started to recognise that there was a serious problem, but she thought that it was mostly with me. Then I found out about this book.

I don't know whether it will save my marriage, but it has definitely saved my sanity. If you are a person who needs way more sex than your spouse, or are the low desire spouse frustrated with constant badgering from your favorite sex maniac, this book will be like waking up from a bad dream. It will ring so true to you that it will feel like you've been spied on. You will hear your exact thoughts, as well as those of your spouse, precisely articulated. This book prescribes hard work and behavior changes for both spouses, and getting there requires commitment and persistence, but even if it doesn't save your marriage, it will make you feel so much better just knowing that someone understands.

Finally! Someone is speaking the truth about men who just aren't interested. All you ever hear is that women aren't in the mood for sex. In my marriage of 28 years, it's always been my husband who has no interest in our sex life. This has been very painful and made even more painful by the fact that I have felt so alone. Because no one else talks about men not craving sex, I've spent that last 28 years wondering what's wrong with me! Now I know I'm not alone. This book really gave me a boost. It also helped me see that I don't always handle this situation the best way. I am going to re-read it and ask my husband to read it too. It really is a guide for couples, just like the title suggests. What a relief!

I thought the problems were all my husband's because he was the one who was un-interested in sex. I thought everything was fine in our relationship except for our sex life. But when I read this book, I realized it was MY behaviors that caused our problems. I related to so many passages, and was frequently enlightened. I was so quick to blame him, but it was really myself who was to blame. I had never attributed the problems in our reltionship to the problems in the bedroom. Since reading this book, I have made many changes in my behavior and in my actions. My husband has commented several times about the changes I've made, and I can feel all the love and attraction coming back. We made love recently for the first time in months! I truly belive this book has been a vital step in saving my marriage and rekindling the love. THANK YOU Ms. Weiner Davis! I definintely recommend this book to others, and I will also shop for other books by this author.

I have struggled for an embarrassingly long time in a sex-starved marriage, so when I saw this book, I felt like my prayers had been answered.

For background: I'm the high libido (HL) spouse and my wife has the low libido (LL). My wife tells me I am still tall, dark and handsome, and I know I am in good shape... but after years of isolation, lack of affection and general neglect, you can't help but question it. I'm still in my 30's and I frequently get appreciative looks from women that walk by, but... it still eats away at my self confidence. It's hard to put it out of my mind, like a dark cloud that follows me. From the book, I understand it is just as heartbreaking for women who are married to LL men. If it helps anyone else feeling this way, you are not alone.

Anyway, as hurt, demoralized and upset as I feel from the constant rejection, I realize this is a problem for couples - not just the one who is feeling unloved. I make no claims of objectivity. This kind of rejection is as personal as it gets. Even so, I was glad to see Dr. Weiner Davis treated both the HL and the LL partners fairly. After trying for years to get through to my wife, I didn't relish reading about what I might be doing to contribute to the problem, but I could see she was trying to walk a difficult line and balance the different points of view.

On the other hand, the author made many sharp observations that LL partners ought to consider. My favorite was when she pointed out the unfairness of a husband or wife knowing and acknowledging their spouse was dying for affection, still choosing *not* to fix what is missing, and still expecting the lonely one to remain faithful. Weiner Davis said that kind of attitude would only lead to infidelity, divorce or both. I believe she is correct on that.

"The Sex Starved Marriage" is a quick read. (Odds are if you are reading this review, you understand how all consuming the loneliness becomes!) If it's constantly on your mind, and you are desperate for relief, you probably could get through the book in one or two sittings. I found the book to be charming, even funny in places, but most of all it made me feel understood. Dr. Weiner Davis understands the pain you are feeling. Most importantly, she offers plenty of real world practical advice, for both the HL and LL spouses.

I was so excited to read such lucid and fair analysis, I bought a copy of the book for my wife and begged her to read it too. (She did, somewhat begrudgingly.) We talked about it, and after finishing it, my wife seemed to finally "get it." Sadly, the impression it made on her wasn't lasting, and as soon as she had come around to it, the understanding evaporated and her old attitudes and behaviors returned.

A couple more years has passed, and the problem remains. Now if I refer back to the book, my wife retorts that she can "find stuff on the internet that agrees with her too." I don't blame the author or the book, of course. The book made a wonderful case for how important *and* urgent it is for couples to work together to find some compromise for their mismatched libidos. But ultimately, the person holding the power (usually the LL partner) needs to have the motivation - and LOVE for his/her spouse - to fix the problem. My wife doesn't feel the urgency, and as long as I'm not complaining, she doesn't even feel like there is a problem. When someone writes a book that can fix that, I'll buy two copies. ;-)

For those of you who know what this feels like, I hope your significant other values you enough to face this issue and fix it. Good luck. This book might help, but it can't perform miracles.

PS: If anyone reading this knows of another book worth trying, or just some advice, please share it.

This book is worth both the money spent and your time if you are facing difficulties with your relationship.
This is not the typical "how-to-book" so many of us spend our money on trying to come up with some type of plan to put our lives back together. This book is reality from both points of view.
What a wake-up call to be reading the pages and suddenly feel that someone has been seeing what is in your heart and in your thoughts.
This is a book I plan on reading several times just to learn and see more each time.