The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire [Paperback]

Michele Weiner Davis (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 30, 2008

In 2003, bestselling author and relationship expert Michele Weiner Davis' groundbreaking book, The Sex-Starved Marriage described the problems that occur in marriage when one spouse is vastly more interested in sex than the other and more importantly, what the couple could do to fix things. The book created quite a stir, but no one expected what happened next.

Weiner Davis was flooded with e-mails, letters, and phone calls from women, not with "headaches" and other predictable excuses for avoiding sex, but from women who were desperately unhappy because their husbands weren't the least bit interested in sex. Nothing these women said or did got their men to understand the pain and isolation that comes from a sexual void, and despite heartfelt pleas, they were unable to convince their husbands to seek professional help. Add to this the unspoken taboo about discussing low libido in men, and these women were left to believe that they were the only ones dealing with this problem.

If this sounds like your situation, Weiner Davis wants to tell you that you are not alone, and it is not your fault: there is a whole host of reasons why your husband might be experiencing low desire. Although Weiner Davis explains reasons men lose interest in sex--biological issues, personal troubles, and relationship problems--she's convinced that understanding the cause of a problem won't make your sex life any juicier; doing something about it will. The Sex-Starved Wife gives you the tools you need to present the information in the book so that your husband will not become defensive. You'll even learn methods for overcoming sexual dysfunctions such as performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and effective ways for dealing with pornography or infidelity. If you and your spouse need additional support, Weiner Davis offers concrete advice on how to get your man to visit his doctor or seek other professional help.

When it comes to marriage, Weiner Davis has seen it all. She knows how important loving, satisfying sex is to a healthy marriage. The straightforward, psychobabble-free advice in this book will help you create the intimacy and connection for which you've been longing.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Women whose husbands have low sexual drives shouldn't automatically assume that their mates are angry with them or find them unattractive, says Davis (The Sex-Starved Marriage). Cardiovascular disease, diabetes, a dysfunctional thyroid and chronic kidney disease as well as erectile dysfunction all take a toll on sexual desire, and Davis advises wives to get their husbands to the doctor pronto. Nonphysical ills, such as stress, job loss, grief and midlife crisis, can also quash libido, and sex or marital therapy or individual talk therapy are recommended. Wives should be loving, patient and encouraging, make their requests action-oriented and engage in activities in which they can find solace and strength like volunteer work, reading, exercise or support groups. Davis's stance is controversially anti-divorce, discouraging it even when the husband refuses to end an affair or is gay; she shamelessly hawks her own divorce-busting center and coaching services and annoyingly congratulates readers for working to turn their marriages around. Her advice is basically familiar and obvious, treading the same territory as her earlier The Sex-Starved Marriage and other self-help manuals, but some desperately unhappy women might find validation in these pages. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

The Sex-Starved Wife is a long overdue book that will dispel the commonly held myth that men are always the more highly sexed spouse. Millions of sexy women feel shame believing they're the only ones whose husbands aren't interested in sex. By shedding light on this important subject and offering tools for boosting desire, Weiner Davis will help couples move from emotional and physical distance to building more loving and passionate sexual relationships.

--Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find

ÒPut on a pot of coffee and curl up in your chair, because reading The Sex-Starved Wife is like sitting down to chat with your closest--and wisest-- friend about your most intimate secrets. Michele Weiner Davis explores previously un-chartered territories to help women restore intimacy in their relationships. Wise, warm and comprehensive in her approach, Michelle delivers what so many women need in a loving and compassionate way. And when you finish reading this book, leave it on your husband's night table, because this is a must-read for men and women.Ó --Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happily Married Men

"Michele Weiner Davis shines a light inside the American bedroom and takes us 'undercovers' to reveal the truth of low male desire. If you're in a relationship with a guy who's tuned out and turned off, take heart: The Sex-Starved Wife will provide you with a clear course of action to get him tuned in and turned on."

--Ian Kerner, sex therapist and author of She Comes First and Passionista: the Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man

"In this breakthrough book Michele Weiner Davis gives us a refreshing-pro-sexual and pro-marriage approach to women seeking to revitalize their husband's desire with a plethora of good information, good strategies, and good techniques. Michele emphasizes working out the sexual issues together and offers realistic hope for change. I highly recommend The Sex Starved Wife as the best book in the field to confront the very real problem of male inhibited sexual desire and avoidance."

--Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., professor of psychology at American University, certified sex and marital therapist, and author of Men's Sexual Health

"You must read this all important book; a vindication for men; a milestone event for women -- and a victory for marriage. This is the best book you can read in one sitting. Powerful, poignant, precisely to the point."

--Dr. Pat Love Author of Hot Monogamy and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

"Weiner Davis has been helping couples for decades. It's wonderful that she's now bringing her solution-focused expertise to a rarely discussed but painfully common problem, low sexual desire in husbands. If you are struggling with a sexual divide in your marriage, buy this book. Your love life- and your marriage- depends on it!"

--Diane Sollee, founder and director, Smartmarriages.com

If you think that women are the only ones saying "no" to sex, think again. Millions of men have little desire to be intimate with their wives. The problem is, no one is talking about it. Until now. This gutsy book reveals the truth about what goes on behind closed doors and what couples can do to bridge the desire gap.

John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Reprint edition (December 30, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743266277
• ISBN-13: 978-0743266277
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #563,811 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Michele Weiner Davis, MSW, is an internationally renowned relationship expert, highly acclaimed speaker and author of several books including the best-selling The Sex-Starved Marriage, and the best-selling Divorce Busting, The Divorce Remedy, Getting Through to the Man You Love, Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and In Search of Solutions. She has appeared as a regular guest on Oprah, 48 Hours, the Today show, CBS This Morning, and 20/20. Michele is the Founder and Director of The Divorce Busting Center with offices in Colorado and Illinois. Her popular websites, www.divorcebusting.com and www.sexstarvedwife.com offer visitors practical information for making their marriages more loving and lusty. She lives in Colorado with her husband.

On a personal note, there was a specific reason Michele developed a passion for helping couples fall in love again and keep their marriages and families together. She grew up in an East Coast version of the Walton family. Michele had two parents who loved her and her two brothers. Her parents never fought. Michele had lots of friends and was a good student, so life for her as a child was wonderful. There was a big extended family, so holidays were warm and memorable.

All this came to a screeching halt when she turned 16 and was a senior in highschool. Her mother sat the whole family down and told them that she had been unhappy for 23 years of marriage. Needless to say, this was a shocking revelation because Michele's parents never fought. Then her mother announced, "There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to throw in the towel." Those words changed Michele's life forever. Not only did her parents marriage dissolve, her warm, nurturing family disbanded completely. Her mother had been the hub of the wheel in the family and when she divorce, she resigned from the position. Michele left for college shortly after this announcement and as she did, her home, her family fell apart.

As a result, Michele has been determined to make her own marriage work and to learn everything she could about what it takes to have a healthy and loving relationship so that she could teach it to everyone who crossed her path. This fire within her led her to specializing in work with couples and writing the best-selling book, Divorce Busting. She feels blessed that she has helped hundreds of thousands of couples to renew their love and decide to make their marriages work. She's convinced that people don't just fall out of love, they simply don't have the skills they need to make love last. And these skills, she believes, can definitely be acquired. Visitors to her web site www.divorcebusting.com find resources to resolve conflict and reconnect. This is her mission in life- to help people restore their love.

For more information, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michele_Weiner-Davis

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

160 of 164 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great long-overdue book!, December 31, 2007

By 

Louise (Pacific Northwest) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Hardcover)

The Sex-Starved Wife

Wow! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this title. I have been a sex-starved wife for more years than I can count. My marriage has been empty and loveless because my husband has no desire for me. My friends all complain that their husbands are always wanting sex and I feel so uncomfortable during those discussions because I feel like a freak of nature. It makes me feel as if something is dreadfully wrong with me. I don't even share what happens in my relationship because I'm mortified. I have felt so alone.

But now that I've read this great book, I KNOW I am not alone. As I read all the letters from women in my shoes, I cried because I know the pain they have been feeling. I understand how bad it feels to be so hurt and have your husband be unwilling to do anything about it. He doesn't even want to talk to me about it anymore. Weiner Davis explains why men loose desire, but the best part is that she gives concrete suggestions for getting your husband to be more receptive to doing something about the problem. I am so grateful that I read this book because I feel better about myself and I have even made some headway with my husband. He's agreed to read part of it and to speak to a doctor! I've been trying to get him to do something, anything for a long time and he's just gotten defensive. So, this book marks a major turnaround in my marriage. I can't say for sure what will happen next, but I can tell you that at least we're talking and he's showing some willingness to care about my feelings. That's huge. I strongly suggest that if you're a woman whose husband is disinterested sexually, you get this book. It can change your marriage.

154 of 176 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars So, The Man has NO responsibility???? HA HA HA, May 9, 2008

By 

Jean "ebayer" (Virginia) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Hardcover)

I just finished reading this book. I had some problems with it. The problems that I had were with what I took as the author's emphasis on how the wife may be "at fault" (nagging, fighting, and being unimaginative, etc). I found that message to be demeaning, sexist, and very unsupportive to women. Insinuating that women "are" or "if you find yourself" nagging and fighting and angry (which of course is a terrible culturally demeaning characterization). I also object to the characterization that what women need to do is simply spice up the atmosphere in the bedroom - and be "understanding" of your husband's thoughts and needs, this of course is a huge oversimplification of this terrible and life wrecking issue.

I have a non-responsive husband and my experience is that no matter what you do, there is no response. The non-responsive spouse is in control of the sex (as is stated in the book). I am not a nag. I am imaginative. I do discuss. There doesn't appear to be any joint solution to this problem - because it isn't a joint problem --- it is MY problem. He is perfectly happy the way things are. I am the one who is unhappy.

There really wasn't anything in this book about my situation at all. I feel degraded by this book and it's seemingly "simple" solutions which lie entirely in the lap of the woman. Where is the man's responsibility in all of this? I think that the author does a terrible disservice to women who have this problem in their marriage or relationship. The only real help given is exercises for pre-mature ejaculators.

This is a huge problem for women in this country - there is a cultural myth that men are always and forever ready at the drop of a hat - and women and men believe it. There isn't a simple solution to a man who refuses to have sex - dressing up in saran wrap is not going to fix this problem. Giving "Glamour" and "Cosmo" solutions to this huge life wrecking situation is horrible. Shame on the author!

19 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book on often ignored (if not outright denied) social problem., March 20, 2008

By 

Cynthia Danute Cekauskas, LCSW "Lithuanian Am... (Savannah, Georgia) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Hardcover)

Finally, a book addressing a problem many wives encounter but many husbands would deny even exists! Enough of hearing on television and radio the popularly held myths that "Most men want sex all the time. Low sexual desire is only a woman's problem. Some men lack sexual desire, but the prevalence of low desire in men is extremely low. & Men who aren't interested in sex must have a sexual dysfunction of a serious medical condition. Otherwise they'd be ready to go."! Let's be fair and look at the WHOLE picture. To date it has been far to easy for researchers to study the subject of low desire in women. As the author points out, many studies have been conducted on this topic and so few about low desire in men one has to wonder whether all these researchers are men! Yet researchers finally did identify HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder or low desire), something MORE prevalent in men than in women. Low desire appears to be an equal opportunity employer when it comes to gender. Unfortunately to date also too many women have had a tendency to blame themselves for the existance of this problem. This is not true of most men who have low desire wives. This book offers a variety of explanations beside a physical erectile dysfunction for the lack of sexual desire in some men. As a social worker, I see this book as liberating to female clients who suffer from low self esteem not knowing what to think of the cause of their male partner's problem.