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Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads Hardcover – April 1, 2000

8 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

At a time when, according to Hein, nearly 70% of married men and 60% of married women admit to having been unfaithful, Hein believes that affairs can be a way to search for identity; to avoid profound life issues, anxiety and the often frightening intimacy of marriage; to provide an immediate sense of self-esteem or power; and, at times, even to sustain the marriage itself. Hein emphatically asserts that an affair is always a "cover story" for something going on inside the person doing it. After revealing some pretty dismal statistics about the possibilities for successful future marriages after a divorce brought about by infidelity, she offers practical advice on ending the affair, healing old wounds from early childhood, deepening intimacy and ultimately saving the marriage. (Even so, she reports that 65% of marriages faced with an affair do not recover from it.). Writing with clarity, and armed with numerous case studies drawn from her own practice, Hein provides a fresh look at old, unrealistic notions of romantic love and paves the way to a more mature and responsible view of marriage and fidelity. Agent, Kim Witherspoon.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

This sweet, gracefully written book by Hein, who has a P.h.D. in clinical social work, makes some strong points about infidelity (e.g., "sexual detours" represent escape from intimacy and offer a "crisis of opportunity" for self-knowledge and rebuilding a marriage). But much of her psychoprose is vague, oversimplistic, sometimes self-contradictory, and lacking in advice on "what to do next" and "how to do it." "Intimacy," is held up as ideal but is not well defined, nor is a usable map provided for getting there. Communicating via storytelling is recommended but with no examples of stories that might meet Hein's criteria. Even "affair" is never defined, with areas like phone sex and cybersex left unexplored. Sexual infidelity is a highly complex cultural phenomenon, and libraries should collect generously among the many and varied books published recently in this area. Unfortunately, this one does not add a great deal to readers' understanding, despite helpful intentions and suggestions.
-Martha Cornog, Philadelphia
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 288 pages
  • Publisher: Golden Books Adult Publishing; First Edition edition (April 2, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0312253354
  • ISBN-13: 978-0312253356
  • Product Dimensions: 5.6 x 1 x 8.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,348,419 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on July 4, 2002
Format: Hardcover
As a future therapist, I like books by therapists that talk about the actual sessions. This book is perfect for gaining an understanding of affairs and the multitude of reasons behind them. It's geared more to married people who are or have been involved in affairs, with a lot less emphasis on what the experience is for someone who is single. If you are single, this is probably not the best book for you, but you could read it anyway understanding of what the experience was from the other side. It's got great insight for anyone coming to terms with what they've experienced or what they've seen friends and family experience. Dr. Holly Hein is the kind of therapist you'd want if you had been through this yourself. She doesn't let anybody play the victim but she cares about all involved. She's got an endorsement on the back cover from Janis A. Spring, author of After the Affair, who is very respected on this subject. For that reason, I bought Sexual Detours (the name doesn't fit quite right, in my opinion....but don't judge the book by the cover) and it's become one of my favorites.
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23 of 29 people found the following review helpful By Holly Hein, Ph.D. on August 16, 2000
Format: Hardcover
I wrote this book because, I was stunned by the distortion and misconceptions people have about intimacy, sex, love and marriage. I did not want to write a book that gave a rigid moral rationale on why affairs are sins rather, I wanted to educate people that when they take a detour away from their partner they are taking a detour away from themselves. It is difficult to confront and communicate to another who we are and what are needs are when we really don't know ourselves. In this world where knowledge is so easily transmitted, knowing seems to be at a premium. I want to educate people and assist them in living more fulfilling lives through what is a true intimate connection. Where giving and taking is both understood and put into practice.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By A Reader on September 27, 2005
Format: Hardcover
Holly Hein's book is probably one of the best books I have read on the subject--and I have read a lot. It is simple, straight forward and discusses hard issues that can and do lead to affairs. My spouse and I read it together and it provided a platform in which to discuss some very painful episodes in our life together. It has helped us both in the healing process and to gain an understanding from both perspectives. Thank you Holly for writing this book.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Atsenaotie on December 5, 2012
Format: Hardcover
After discovery of my wife's affair, I read many books, and Sexual Detours was one of the best. More than any other, Sexual Detours helped me to understand the relationship dynamics underlying her motivation in looking for an A, and the reasons for sustaining them. The discussions about intimacy in a relationship, the necessary dynamics to keep a relationship healthy and growing were spot-on for my situation.
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