Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads [Hardcover]

Holly Hein (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 2, 2000

The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity

At long last, we have a book about affairs that is not about blame. Sexual Detours offers an illuminating-and powerful-portrait of the human psyche that sheds light on the hidden dark recesses of the world of infidelity. Its striking and metaphorical language unravels the secrets behind affairs.

This book is for anyone who has ever been enchanted and beguiled by the idea of a romance; entangled in a clandestine relationship; devastated by betrayal; recovering from loss; or even simply hoping to find love and happiness. In short, everyone.

We've all thought about having an affair. Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to have a relationship with that special person . . . right next door . . . in the other office . . . or just around the corner? We all crave ecstasy, obsession, excitement, and romance. And we all find intimacy and elusive chimera slipping from our grasp. Sometimes, we look for solace in the arms of a lover and seek a romantic exit on the highway of our lives as we struggle with our dreams and wishes, fears and realities.

With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Holly Hein leads us on a voyage of discovery that explores the true meaning behind our sexual detours. She shows us why we do it. How we do it. And what to do about it. Dr. Hein clarifies that an affair reveals more about our selves than about our sex lives; it is more about the chemistry of escape than about sexual lightening. And, ultimately, an affair is more about the betrayal of the self than it is about breaking marriage vows.

Every affair has a cover story and carries a secret message written in code-it is as unique as a fingerprint. Dr. Hein explains how to decipher the hidden code and to interpret the true message behind the cover story, repairing the cables of communication and translating the language of the inner world. Vivid case histories illustrate how unrecognized, unexpressed needs often surface in disguise, leading us to take flight and reject what our partner symbolizes as we seek escape in the fantasy of a tryst. Dr. Hein illustrates how an affair conceals the real issues-showing us how to recognize this-and tells us what steps to take in order to have more rewarding intimate relationships.

Sexual Detours is a beacon to all who have been touched by the anguish, denial, resentment, guilt, and shame of an affair, encouraging us to emerge from the pain of infidelity and create a self-awareness that will forge the bonds of a lasting intimacy.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

At a time when, according to Hein, nearly 70% of married men and 60% of married women admit to having been unfaithful, Hein believes that affairs can be a way to search for identity; to avoid profound life issues, anxiety and the often frightening intimacy of marriage; to provide an immediate sense of self-esteem or power; and, at times, even to sustain the marriage itself. Hein emphatically asserts that an affair is always a "cover story" for something going on inside the person doing it. After revealing some pretty dismal statistics about the possibilities for successful future marriages after a divorce brought about by infidelity, she offers practical advice on ending the affair, healing old wounds from early childhood, deepening intimacy and ultimately saving the marriage. (Even so, she reports that 65% of marriages faced with an affair do not recover from it.). Writing with clarity, and armed with numerous case studies drawn from her own practice, Hein provides a fresh look at old, unrealistic notions of romantic love and paves the way to a more mature and responsible view of marriage and fidelity. Agent, Kim Witherspoon.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

This sweet, gracefully written book by Hein, who has a P.h.D. in clinical social work, makes some strong points about infidelity (e.g., "sexual detours" represent escape from intimacy and offer a "crisis of opportunity" for self-knowledge and rebuilding a marriage). But much of her psychoprose is vague, oversimplistic, sometimes self-contradictory, and lacking in advice on "what to do next" and "how to do it." "Intimacy," is held up as ideal but is not well defined, nor is a usable map provided for getting there. Communicating via storytelling is recommended but with no examples of stories that might meet Hein's criteria. Even "affair" is never defined, with areas like phone sex and cybersex left unexplored. Sexual infidelity is a highly complex cultural phenomenon, and libraries should collect generously among the many and varied books published recently in this area. Unfortunately, this one does not add a great deal to readers' understanding, despite helpful intentions and suggestions.
-Martha Cornog, Philadelphia
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Golden Books Adult Publishing; First Edition edition (April 2, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312253354
• ISBN-13: 978-0312253356
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.6 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,790,753 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Nonjudgmental and No Nonsense., July 4, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads (Hardcover)

As a future therapist, I like books by therapists that talk about the actual sessions. This book is perfect for gaining an understanding of affairs and the multitude of reasons behind them. It's geared more to married people who are or have been involved in affairs, with a lot less emphasis on what the experience is for someone who is single. If you are single, this is probably not the best book for you, but you could read it anyway understanding of what the experience was from the other side. It's got great insight for anyone coming to terms with what they've experienced or what they've seen friends and family experience. Dr. Holly Hein is the kind of therapist you'd want if you had been through this yourself. She doesn't let anybody play the victim but she cares about all involved. She's got an endorsement on the back cover from Janis A. Spring, author of After the Affair, who is very respected on this subject. For that reason, I bought Sexual Detours (the name doesn't fit quite right, in my opinion....but don't judge the book by the cover) and it's become one of my favorites.

19 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Why I wrote this book., August 16, 2000

By 

Holly Hein, Ph.D. (Santa Monica, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads (Hardcover)

I wrote this book because, I was stunned by the distortion and misconceptions people have about intimacy, sex, love and marriage. I did not want to write a book that gave a rigid moral rationale on why affairs are sins rather, I wanted to educate people that when they take a detour away from their partner they are taking a detour away from themselves. It is difficult to confront and communicate to another who we are and what are needs are when we really don't know ourselves. In this world where knowledge is so easily transmitted, knowing seems to be at a premium. I want to educate people and assist them in living more fulfilling lives through what is a true intimate connection. Where giving and taking is both understood and put into practice.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Helped Save My Marriage, September 27, 2005

By 

A Reader (New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads (Hardcover)

Holly Hein's book is probably one of the best books I have read on the subject--and I have read a lot. It is simple, straight forward and discusses hard issues that can and do lead to affairs. My spouse and I read it together and it provided a platform in which to discuss some very painful episodes in our life together. It has helped us both in the healing process and to gain an understanding from both perspectives. Thank you Holly for writing this book.