Customer Reviews

Sexual Detours: Infidelity and Intimacy at the Crossroads

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

As a future therapist, I like books by therapists that talk about the actual sessions. This book is perfect for gaining an understanding of affairs and the multitude of reasons behind them. It's geared more to married people who are or have been involved in affairs, with a lot less emphasis on what the experience is for someone who is single. If you are single, this is probably not the best book for you, but you could read it anyway understanding of what the experience was from the other side. It's got great insight for anyone coming to terms with what they've experienced or what they've seen friends and family experience. Dr. Holly Hein is the kind of therapist you'd want if you had been through this yourself. She doesn't let anybody play the victim but she cares about all involved. She's got an endorsement on the back cover from Janis A. Spring, author of After the Affair, who is very respected on this subject. For that reason, I bought Sexual Detours (the name doesn't fit quite right, in my opinion....but don't judge the book by the cover) and it's become one of my favorites.

I wrote this book because, I was stunned by the distortion and misconceptions people have about intimacy, sex, love and marriage. I did not want to write a book that gave a rigid moral rationale on why affairs are sins rather, I wanted to educate people that when they take a detour away from their partner they are taking a detour away from themselves. It is difficult to confront and communicate to another who we are and what are needs are when we really don't know ourselves. In this world where knowledge is so easily transmitted, knowing seems to be at a premium. I want to educate people and assist them in living more fulfilling lives through what is a true intimate connection. Where giving and taking is both understood and put into practice.

Holly Hein's book is probably one of the best books I have read on the subject--and I have read a lot. It is simple, straight forward and discusses hard issues that can and do lead to affairs. My spouse and I read it together and it provided a platform in which to discuss some very painful episodes in our life together. It has helped us both in the healing process and to gain an understanding from both perspectives. Thank you Holly for writing this book.

Very informative, without being preachy, provides good advice. Offers food for thought on many different levels, interesting insights on infidelity and intimacy, and working towards achieving honesty.

"Sexual Detours" is an eye-catching title for any book. For anyone involved in an Extra Marital Relationship (EMR), Dr. Holly provides a somewhat kinder, gentler Dr. Laura-esque treatise on the ulterior motives behind affairs. Sadly, she virtually ignores (maybe she is in denial herself?) the presence, thoughts, emotions and personhood of the 'third party'. The Other Person (OP) involved with the Married Person (MP) is just a passing reference, a 'symptom' of a troubled marriage, without any real involvement in the life of the MP. Admittedly, she does include one case study in which the MP and OP do live happily ever after, but she doesn't acknowledge their right to chosing a life together until she has gone all out to 'save', over the course of many painful months of counseling, the marriage - which she discovers, early on, has not been a true marriage from Day One (why she persisted in trying to mend this relationship isn't very well explained; I'd love to hear her reasoning!).

Overall, the book is an interesting read, a bit moralistic in tone but does show some insights into why affairs happen. Dr. Hein could have made it better by classifying affairs by type and avoiding the sterotypical assumption that affairs are motivated simply by unrestrained sexual desire. Personally, I would like to see more information on long-term affairs, and also a definition of what Dr. Hein considers "public" when discussing affairs.

Finally, I would have appreciated links to Internet sites that provide support for MP and OP involved in EMRs.

"Sexual Detours" is an eye-catching title for any book. For anyone involved in an Extra Marital Relationship (EMR), Dr. Holly provides a somewhat kinder, gentler Dr. Laura-esque treatise on the ulterior motives behind affairs. Sadly, she virtually ignores (maybe she is in denial herself?) the presence, thoughts, emotions and personhood of the "third party". The Other Person (OP) involved with the Married Person (MP) is just a passing reference, a "symptom" of a troubled marriage, without any real involvement in the life of the MP. Admittedly, she does include one case study in which the MP and OP do live happily ever after, but she doesn't acknowledge their right to chosing a life together until she has gone all out to "save", over the course of many painful months f counseling, the marriage - which she discovers, early on, has not been a true marriage from Day One (why she persisted in trying to mend this relationship isn't very well explained; I'd love to hear her reasoning!).

Overall, the book is an interesting read, a bit moralistic in tone but does show some insights into why affairs happen. Dr. Hein could have made it better by classifying affairs by type and avoiding the sterotypical assumption that affairs are motivated simply by unrestrained sexual desire. Personally, I would like to see more information on long-term affairs, and also a definition of what Dr. Hein considers "public" when discussing affairs.

Finally, I would have appreciated links to Internet sites that provide support for MP and OP involved in EMRs.