The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back [Paperback]

Sidra Stone (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 1997

Paying particular attention to male/female relationships, Dr Stone argues the existence of an inner voice of patriarchy, affecting the way we all act and react. With the aim of helping women break free from this unconscious restraint, guidance is given on how to discover the voice and separate from it. Women are further instructed in what they may do to reclaim their natural authority, dignity and power while remaining feminine.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Sidra Stone, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized author, teacher and psychotherapist. She has personally experienced six decades of dramatic changes in women's status in her various roles of professional woman, wife, mother, stepmother and grandmother. She is the co-creator, with her husband Hal Stone, of Voice Dialogue. Together, they have written five books, including the best-selling classic Embracing Ourselves. --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Paperback: 200 pages
• Publisher: Nataraj Pub (February 1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1882591313
• ISBN-13: 978-1882591312
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,387,817 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book is revolutionary for women and for men too!, December 20, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back (Paperback)

Sidra Stone shows us that the feminist revolution has to be an inside job. It doesn't matter how much we try to change the world outside of us - if we're still carrying the expectations of the patriarchy within our own psyches, it's not too likely that we'll be able to change. Dr. Stone not only shows how the Inner Patriarch functions within women, she gives clear and creative ideas about how we can disengage from this energy and even turn it into an ally. Working with this has been an enormous help to me personally on a daily basis. Since reading this book, I am much more aware of the messages I receive from my own Inner Patriarch and can take action to calm him down and rebalance my life. I think The Shadow King is one of the most significant books for women (and the men who are in relationship with them) written in the last 20 years.

15 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars an extremely important book for all women...., August 23, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back (Paperback)

Below you will find a (adjusted) letter I have sent to Oprah Winfrey about the Shadow King (december 97):

Dear Oprah,

I am a 25-years old, senior student Psychology, living in the Netherlands. The reason I write to you is I saw your show on 'Marriage Shock'. In this show I heard strong, selfdependent women tell how much they had changed after they got married. Much to their own surprise they suddenly felt the need to become the perfect wife, give up their jobs, their independence, and devote their lives to taking care of their husband. They found themselves changed in a way they just couldn't have imagined themselves before their marriage, even though, and that made is especially remarkable, there usually was no pressure of the husband to change in this way (they often didn't even like it!!).

I want to recommend a book to you that will definitely help you to understand these changes in women. It's 'The Shadow King: the invisible force that holds women back'. The subtitel is: 'ending the tyranny of the Inner Patriarch', and that is what this book is all about. We women (and men too, of course) are being raised in this patriarchal society, and although society is changing and emancipating, we all have internalized the norms and values of this old patriarchal system in our 'Inner Patriarch'. As long as we don't recognize this voice inside of us, we can fight for our independence and equal rights for men and women in society all the same, but we won't get out of the overpowering influence of the norms and values our own Inner Patriarch has for us. Through marriage, the Inner Patriarch is strongly activated, and that is the reason women suddenly change beyond their own understanding.

Recently I had a chance to experience this sudden urge to become Mrs. Perfect Wife, when I got married in october. Although my husband and I had been living together for eight years before that, I suddenly started to worry: Shouldn't I take better care of him? Shouldn't I be less dominant, more feminine, more homely, etcetera. But because I had read the Shadow King, I recognized this sudden urge and I could very well deal with it.

This book makes these mechanisms so very clear, so easy to understand and gives you a key to learning about yourself and staying your own person, even after marriage. But not only in marriage, in a lot of other ways the Inner Patriarch influences the lives of women, even the really strong independent among them. [For the readers of this review, I will give work as an example. I wanted to keep my letter to Oprah short, so I didn't write about this in the original letter. I almost have my degree in Psychology now, and I am thinking about getting a job. This is what the voice of my Inner Patriarch has to say about this: 'Okay, fine, you want to be a psychologist. But listen, you are a woman. So even after you have your degree: be modest, don't be loud. Never act as if you know better, especially when male psychologists are around. Don't go for further education because too much degrees makes women intimidating and manly, and you have to be feminine. Most important of all:... your children always come first! It's okay when your husband puts his work first, that's the way it is supposed to be, but for a women, things are different. You can work, as long as your husband and your children come first!'

Believe me, my Inner Patriarch is not an exception. To recognize this voice in you, will make you understand why deep, deep down you don't feel so emancipated and independent as you would like to be and as some people think you are... and understanding opens the door to handling it better!][The original letter to Oprah ends with:]

I will not get into all of the areas of influence of the Inner Patriarch. I will just recommend you to read this book: please, please, read it!!

The author is Sidra Stone, a very gifted psychologist. Together with her husband she has been studying the inner voices of people for over 12 years now, and together they wrote a number of very readable books about our Inner Selves: -Embracing Your Selves -Embracing Each Other -Embracing Your Inner Critic

For the record, I do not have any (financial or other) interest in the sales figure of this book(s). I am just convinced of the importance of this book, and I very much hope I have convinced you to read it!!

With love and great respect,

Monique Zomer

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Important for men, Required Reading for Women, August 20, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back (Paperback)

I do not measure up in a patriarchy, and I am dispensable in a matriarchy, so I am pleased when either of them is put in its place, as Sidra Stone does magisterially in this book about the 'inner patriarchy.'

Sidra Stone is the co-founder with her husband, Hal, of Voice Dialogue, a beautiful formula for experiencing and researching archetypal energies within our selves and between each other in bonding patterns. It is full of variations, like music-making. About the 'inner patriarch' she says that he is taught to women unconsciously by their mothers and remains disowned in their unconscious to devastate their lives, unless he is brought out of the shadows into awareness.

Sidra Stone has brought out and owned the patriarch in this book, having worked with him both alone and with other women whom she respects and admires. She gives advice that has been successful both for her and for them on how to deal with him. The antidote to the inner paatrach's idealising and denigratory power is to adopt his own strong qualities, so that he no longer feels he has to control and protect daughters, wives and mothers and demean women and their partners. Her advice is to own and cherish complementary and other non-patriarchal energies, both tame and wild. Her subtle and judicious mind clarifies the contradictions in the patriarch's prejudiced and dualistic thinking. She certainly gets to know and even befriends, if not sleeps with, her enemy.

Sidra Stone has the psychologist's penchant for lists and vignettes but not, thankfully, for quotes from her extensive book list. She recommends two books but does not use extracts from them -- instead, she quotes from dreams and archetypal energies. She is an optimistic writer. Her optimism does not come only from her privileges and gifts,but, I believe, from her celebration of the rich variety of archetypal energies and of how we can resolve conflict by celebrating sameness and difference inside and between us, so that we can become more fully human and equal inside and out. I love this book.

Dave Jones