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The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back

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Sidra Stone shows us that the feminist revolution has to be an inside job. It doesn't matter how much we try to change the world outside of us - if we're still carrying the expectations of the patriarchy within our own psyches, it's not too likely that we'll be able to change. Dr. Stone not only shows how the Inner Patriarch functions within women, she gives clear and creative ideas about how we can disengage from this energy and even turn it into an ally. Working with this has been an enormous help to me personally on a daily basis. Since reading this book, I am much more aware of the messages I receive from my own Inner Patriarch and can take action to calm him down and rebalance my life. I think The Shadow King is one of the most significant books for women (and the men who are in relationship with them) written in the last 20 years.

Below you will find a (adjusted) letter I have sent to Oprah Winfrey about the Shadow King (december 97):

Dear Oprah,

I am a 25-years old, senior student Psychology, living in the Netherlands. The reason I write to you is I saw your show on 'Marriage Shock'. In this show I heard strong, selfdependent women tell how much they had changed after they got married. Much to their own surprise they suddenly felt the need to become the perfect wife, give up their jobs, their independence, and devote their lives to taking care of their husband. They found themselves changed in a way they just couldn't have imagined themselves before their marriage, even though, and that made is especially remarkable, there usually was no pressure of the husband to change in this way (they often didn't even like it!!).

I want to recommend a book to you that will definitely help you to understand these changes in women. It's 'The Shadow King: the invisible force that holds women back'. The subtitel is: 'ending the tyranny of the Inner Patriarch', and that is what this book is all about. We women (and men too, of course) are being raised in this patriarchal society, and although society is changing and emancipating, we all have internalized the norms and values of this old patriarchal system in our 'Inner Patriarch'. As long as we don't recognize this voice inside of us, we can fight for our independence and equal rights for men and women in society all the same, but we won't get out of the overpowering influence of the norms and values our own Inner Patriarch has for us. Through marriage, the Inner Patriarch is strongly activated, and that is the reason women suddenly change beyond their own understanding.

Recently I had a chance to experience this sudden urge to become Mrs. Perfect Wife, when I got married in october. Although my husband and I had been living together for eight years before that, I suddenly started to worry: Shouldn't I take better care of him? Shouldn't I be less dominant, more feminine, more homely, etcetera. But because I had read the Shadow King, I recognized this sudden urge and I could very well deal with it.

This book makes these mechanisms so very clear, so easy to understand and gives you a key to learning about yourself and staying your own person, even after marriage. But not only in marriage, in a lot of other ways the Inner Patriarch influences the lives of women, even the really strong independent among them. [For the readers of this review, I will give work as an example. I wanted to keep my letter to Oprah short, so I didn't write about this in the original letter. I almost have my degree in Psychology now, and I am thinking about getting a job. This is what the voice of my Inner Patriarch has to say about this: 'Okay, fine, you want to be a psychologist. But listen, you are a woman. So even after you have your degree: be modest, don't be loud. Never act as if you know better, especially when male psychologists are around. Don't go for further education because too much degrees makes women intimidating and manly, and you have to be feminine. Most important of all:... your children always come first! It's okay when your husband puts his work first, that's the way it is supposed to be, but for a women, things are different. You can work, as long as your husband and your children come first!'

Believe me, my Inner Patriarch is not an exception. To recognize this voice in you, will make you understand why deep, deep down you don't feel so emancipated and independent as you would like to be and as some people think you are... and understanding opens the door to handling it better!][The original letter to Oprah ends with:]

I will not get into all of the areas of influence of the Inner Patriarch. I will just recommend you to read this book: please, please, read it!!

The author is Sidra Stone, a very gifted psychologist. Together with her husband she has been studying the inner voices of people for over 12 years now, and together they wrote a number of very readable books about our Inner Selves: -Embracing Your Selves -Embracing Each Other -Embracing Your Inner Critic

For the record, I do not have any (financial or other) interest in the sales figure of this book(s). I am just convinced of the importance of this book, and I very much hope I have convinced you to read it!!

With love and great respect,

Monique Zomer

I do not measure up in a patriarchy, and I am dispensable in a matriarchy, so I am pleased when either of them is put in its place, as Sidra Stone does magisterially in this book about the 'inner patriarchy.'

Sidra Stone is the co-founder with her husband, Hal, of Voice Dialogue, a beautiful formula for experiencing and researching archetypal energies within our selves and between each other in bonding patterns. It is full of variations, like music-making. About the 'inner patriarch' she says that he is taught to women unconsciously by their mothers and remains disowned in their unconscious to devastate their lives, unless he is brought out of the shadows into awareness.

Sidra Stone has brought out and owned the patriarch in this book, having worked with him both alone and with other women whom she respects and admires. She gives advice that has been successful both for her and for them on how to deal with him. The antidote to the inner paatrach's idealising and denigratory power is to adopt his own strong qualities, so that he no longer feels he has to control and protect daughters, wives and mothers and demean women and their partners. Her advice is to own and cherish complementary and other non-patriarchal energies, both tame and wild. Her subtle and judicious mind clarifies the contradictions in the patriarch's prejudiced and dualistic thinking. She certainly gets to know and even befriends, if not sleeps with, her enemy.

Sidra Stone has the psychologist's penchant for lists and vignettes but not, thankfully, for quotes from her extensive book list. She recommends two books but does not use extracts from them -- instead, she quotes from dreams and archetypal energies. She is an optimistic writer. Her optimism does not come only from her privileges and gifts,but, I believe, from her celebration of the rich variety of archetypal energies and of how we can resolve conflict by celebrating sameness and difference inside and between us, so that we can become more fully human and equal inside and out. I love this book.

Dave Jones

The Shadow King is a must-read for anyone wanting to discover a new key to an old block that thousands of years of Patriarchy has instilled deep within each of us! I am grateful for Sidra's clear vision into the underpinnings of such a significant and previously unrecognized force of cultural conditioning.

Working with the Inner Patriarch has opened the door to a whole new understanding of myself and my relationships. I experienced how this energy keeps me locked into certain patterns in my relationships with men and how powerfully it stands between me and other women.

About 20 years ago, I read that 'it is hard to fight an enemy that has outposts in your head' in an article about the women's movement. It made such logical sense that many of our limitations were self-imposed, but it was hard to know exactly what to do about that back then. Sidra Stone's work, The Shadow King, finally provides a map of those outposts and, better still, offers an effective way to navigate and alter them so that the Inner Patrairch can become an advocate rather than an adversary in women's everyday lives.

In the early seventies I was a radical feminist and anti-war activist in the thick of every movement for change. I was militant about women's rights and loudly proclaimed "the personal to be political." Every night at dinner, however, I was completely puzzled that I wanted seconds but my husband was always full. I wasn't gaining weight so I actually thought I might have a tapeworm until I realized that like my mother and grandmother before me I automatically and unconsciously gave the biggest portion of everything "to the man." No wonder he was full and I was left wanting. I began then to have an inkling that in order to really alter the patriarchal system, something inside me would also have to change.

In The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back, Dr. Sidra Stone reveals that patriarchy is an inside job, and that even the most emancipated women harbor an unconscious internalized "inner patriarch" who sees to it that we meet cultural expectations ! and makes us feel guilty and inadequate if we don't. We may be doctors, lawyers, politicians, entrepreneurs while still trying to be super wives and moms and, of course, push our way toward radiant health and spiritual fulfillment, but the inner patriarch thinks nothing of all that. He really doesn't think a woman can do much of anything on her own and wants her to stay home with a man so she will be safe and financially secure. He doesn't want her to take risks or rock the boat, and forget equal relationships with "sensitive men!" The inner patriarch demands that men be "real men," women be like their great grandmothers, and marriages last forever. If anything goes wrong with this plan, it's all the woman's fault.

With all this going on unconsciously inside our heads, it's no wonder that as more and more barriers to equality are lifted, we find ourselves somehow unable to take advantage of it all, afraid to go after big success, insecure about what we do achieve, and d! isappointed in our relationships with men. We put on the b! est show we can, but inside wonder "what's wrong with us?" The first step toward sanity and inner emancipation is becoming aware of the patriarch inside us.

In Dr. Stone's book you can experience the inner patriarch first-hand in fascinating excerpts of interviews with hundreds of women's inner patriarchs from around the world, done by using the Voice Dialogue method of working with inner selves which she and her husband, Dr. Hal Stone, created. Listen to the inner patriarch in other women and soon you'll hear your own. He makes a woman both ashamed of her femininity and ashamed not to be feminine. He belittles her accomplishments and thinks her talents are wasted on her - "it's too bad she's not a man."

Fortunately, just as we have seen changes in the outer patriarchy, it's possible to balance the power of the inner patriarch and learn to "employ him as a consultant." He's not all bad. He upholds traditions that nurture us as well as those that limit us. Unlike oth! er books which are all theory and no practice, The Shadow King gives women (men too!) very practical techniques and guidance for moving beyond duality, managing our energy fields, and creating real intimacy and partnership between women and men. Dr. Stone writes out of her psychotherapeutic work with selves as well as out of her experience as a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, teaching us how to bring the inner patriarch out of the shadows of our unconscious where he drains us and makes us weak, and into the light of awareness and choice where we can use his power and assume his authority as our own.

This book brings a revolution in consciousness. In my private practice, the Inner Patraiarch provides an essential key to unlocking the doors of business power,successful relationships, and modern spirituality. In my personal experience, integrating the Inner Patriarch has brought my dreams to life -- and has enhanced my relationships a thousand-fold

Another great exploration of our many selves especially with relation to our feminine nature and all the "stories" we are brought up with about feminine and masculine.

Also check out Sidra and Hal's book "You Don't Have to Write a Book", a lesser known classic from these pioneers in learning about ALL our selves!

The work Sidra has done with the Inner Patriarch has saved my life. This work is creating real change for the future of young women today. I feel blessed that I'm able to pass this on to my daughter.