Customer Reviews

The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships: What's Going on Behind the Scene

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Have you ever wondered why you cannot find the perfect partner or had a relationship that was really close but just not enough? Have you ever just felt "stuck"? Well, then this book is for you. I caution you though - it will be painful at first but hang in there and you will reap a much bigger reward than those "feel-good" books.

This is not a "relationship recipe" book. It will not tell you how to find the perfect partner. It will not validate your childlike views and beliefs about the "other" person in your relationship. This book will not point the finger at your partner's flaws - in fact, it is not about your partner at all - it is about you!

This book is a magnifying glass - you will discover things about yourself that will make you squirm and leave you speechless. This book is a mirror - you will laugh at the silly behaviors of the people in the examples and then feel the tears well up when you see your own reflection. This book is a bright light - you will see what has been in your dark places since childhood and finally understand what makes "you" who "you" are. This book is a helping hand - you will feel liberated from the burden of your humanness.

If you are mature enough and open minded enough and fully committed then this book will help you find the secret to "your" happiness. Once there, you will be ready for the next step - a fulfilling, passionate and juicy relationship. Your partner will need the benefits of this book as well and together you can build something truly beautiful. Luckily, this really requires more courage than effort.

This is an essential book for anyone who wants to sustain an intimate relationship over a long period of time. How many of us in a relationship feel we already know what the other person is thinking or feeling? Conversation becomes a series of set pieces. The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships explains in jargon-free prose why and how we all get trapped in a particular communication paradigm. Moreover it provides the tools for exploring ways to break free of those traps, both in the way we speak to our intimate partner and the way in which we interact with each other. Doug and Naomi Moseley focus on what each of us as an individual can do for ourselves to understand why we act and react the way we do. These tools can then be applied as instruments to change our individual behavior. For me this book was like a bolt of lightning, illuminating and energizing. It has my highest recommendation.

My one sentence review is if you were going to read just one book on marriage this year, I would pick Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, and that just happens to not be The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships: What's Going on Behind the Scene or TSSIR for short.

The fundamental premise of TSSIR is that we have "shadow" sides to our personalities (as in the Jungian sense of shadows). While we maintain a positive "mask" to the world at large, lurking in our hearts are many different archetypes from parents to children, from benevolent givers to angry takers. TSSIR goes on to say that in intimate relationships, these masks cannot be maintained indefinitely, and that positive intimacy comes from partners together creating an environment where their true feelings can be expressed.

I found the portions of the book that dealt with this underlying theory to be reasonable and of value to an intimate relationship. Men and women do tend to hide behind masks in relationships, and truthfulness seems like the generally best policy. (There is certainly a place for social tact.)

Unfortunately, two-thirds of the book centered on the notion that often marriages are stuck predominantly in a parent-child relationship, and I did not find these portions of the book to be useful. While I can imagine cases where there are father-daughter and mother-son type relationship instances, I have not seen that dynamic as the predominant issue in the relationships where I have counseled couples over the past 25+ years.

This focus on the parent-child aspect also undercut the earlier, engaging message that there are many archetypes at work in the "marriage dance."

The first several chapters are worth a read, but I would skim the last two-thirds of the book.

My partner and I were stuck. After 2 years together we seemed to be at a crisis in our relationship, and we didn't know whether to get married or split up. Overall we had a GREAT relationship, but things had gotten weird lately. I'd been critical, he'd been withdrawn. What was going on? This book jumped out at me from the amazon.com web site, so I got it and read it in about a week. It was an eye-opener. So many times I recognized myself in these patterns of behavior (or, if I didn't see myself, I saw the behaviors told to me by friends who'd been in failed relationships.) I've read a lot of self-help books, and this is among the best. Clear, well-organized, concise ideas with just the right number of case studies & examples. If you're having trouble in your relationships, maybe not even "big" trouble, just nagging kinds of things.... you will be amazed by the TRUTH of these ideas & observations about relationships. (Same authors have also written "How to Make Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success" which I also recommend.)

What a timely book! It exposes the reality of human connection over the fantasy. And how long can the fantasy last? Powerful truth for those looking to last...as couples and as individuals in our rough and tumble world...

This book is a wonderful, wonderful expose of the stale, stuck patterns that we often get locked into in our intimate relationships.....the Moseleys have done a brillant job of unmasking the patterns that keep us locked in power struggles and out of the intimacy that we desire. And they give ways to break out of these destructive patterns and move forward in positive ways. And they give historical perspectives on how these patterns began and why they are so hard to spot. For anyone on a journey of self awareness, this is a must read.... insightful, truthful and brillant.

This is an absolutely excellent book about what is truly going on in relationships! The author's will probably tell you what you don't want to hear about yourself, but if you are ready to face it, this book will take you to another life. This book makes us face how our own insecurities and inferiorities are having a destructive influence on our relationships. It forces us to change for the better. If you like this book, you will also like "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" by Toru Sato. It is a great book on a similar topic but explained from a different perspective. I recommend both of them highly!

I am not sure the methods that the Moseleys use are altogether helpful for me. After reading this book I was left feeling very depressed and hopeless. Which they state in the later part of their book is what they expect. Altogether not a very positive book. I don't plan to spend the next 10 years rehasing what has gone on for the last 20. I will look for a more inspiring book that looks to the possibilities in the future rather than dwell on the past.

I am an avid and very picky reader. I usually find that most books offer nothing but the repetition of what was previously written by someone else.

This book is different. It goes to the core of our relationship issues and does not provide 10-step or other so-called miracle solutions. It helps us to bring to light, understand and transform parts of us that had been hiding in the shadow, allowing us to become more mature, serene, accepting and - yes, joyful! - individuals.

Both my husband (not the self-help type!) and I read it and it really helped us to transform our relationship - in a great way!