Customer Reviews

Shame: The Power of Caring

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Kaufman's book isn't the newest one on the block, but it *is* an excellent study of how shame occurs, develops, and takes hold of a life. He proceeds through the stages of shame development, from external shaming experiences to the internalization of shame, the development of defense mechanisms, and the disowning of self. His descriptions and examples of how it happens seem right-on and fairly in-depth... a few of them triggered new understandings, and many put together things I'd observed but not yet connected. His tying addiction and shame, with shame causing the addiction (as a means of escape) and the addiction causing more shame explains the vicious-spiral effect of both shame and addiction extremely well. I like to know *why* things happen, and Kaufman gives an excellent explanation of WHY.

If you seek understanding, it's an excellent book and I'd recommend it. However, there are a few caveats. While this is an excellent study of how shame works, it does NOT describe how to fix it. The section on recovery is fairly general and gives examples of recovery in a client-therapist situation, but doesn't really give steps or suggestions to fix it yourself. Kaufman's writing style seems a little indirect, theoretical rather than forceful. If you want to be hit square-on in the face with very basic facts without absorbing how it all works and just told, quickly and simply, how to *fix it*, you may be disappointed or bored by this book.

Finding this book profoundly changed my life, by illuminating for me an aspect of human experience that had never been addressed (or even idendtified accurately!) in all my years of exploring various forms of psychotherapy. Indeed, 14 years later, I find that the field of psychotherapy is still largely uninformed/underinformed about the effects of shame dynamics on therapy itself - and I believe that the misreading of MOST therapists of this vitally important affect is the cause of most therapy failure. I totally agree with Donald Nathanson: this is the book with which to begin exploring shame. If you decide to explore further, Kaufman's more therapist-oriented "THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SHAME" is excellent, as are Nathanson's books.

I can't count how many people I've met over the years, who like me, think this book changed their lives. It offers major, dazzling insight into human experience that's clear, humane, and just plain brilliant. Everyone, famous or not, writing about shame in the last 2 decades owes a debt to this book whether they admit it or not. And when you hear a character like the heroine of "Clueless" talk about having a major shame spiral--this is where the term originated. That's how significant this book is--it's influenced popular culture, and the author's still alive. I highly recommend the author's other books on shame, and his children's book, Stick Up For Yourself!