Customer Reviews

Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self

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This book is based on the affect theory of Silvan Tomkins. I have read Tomkins' original works on affect theory. They are brilliant but somewhat remote and academic. Tomkins' view that affects supply the greatest part of our motivation is revolutionary (It is not your drive to survive that helps you to leap out of the way of the oncoming car, it is your fear affect). It leads to an entirely new way of understanding human behavior. Nathanson explains Tomkins' theories in a much more accessible way, but beware, this is another brilliant author who says more in a single sentence than most of us can squeeze into a paragraph. Hence, it can be dense reading. I have read the book three times, and I get more out of it every time I read it.

Nathanson's focus is on shame and, for me, it was an eye-opening experience to realize how pervasive shame is in almost everything we do. Nathanson is an eloquent writer and a keen observer; he shows how shame and pride influence our lives in so many (often invisible) ways.

Reading this book produced a major paradigm shift for me. I now feel that shame is the most under-appreciated emotion that anyone brings to therapy (I am a therapist). The stigma associated with shame is so great that therapists have glossed over it for years, choosing to focus on the issues that produce shame (such as Freud's focus on sexuality) rather than directly address the shameful feelings about the self that plague so many people who seek therapy. Why? Because we therapists are as vulnerable to those feelings as anyone else. And in order to help others with their feelings of shame, we have to be willing and able to access our own.

This may well be the most important book to appear in the mental health field in decades. It deals with a topic that almost everyone would prefer to avoid. But if you read it, you are likely to be better able to manage your own shame and to help others with theirs.

The Editorial Review by the Library Journal has it totally wrong! Affect Psychology, as presented in this easy to read book, will open your mind to a new way of thinking about human emotions. The hardest emotion for the reader will be shame, and as shame is described it may interrupt your interest and excitement as you read. Press on! Once you really understand what he has to say, you will never again view your own or others emotions in the same way. This book's concepts are accessible, useable, and extremely applicable in today's crazy world.

This approach of combining natural, inborn affect, having been observed and studied in infants for decades, with the human developmental process with its resulting emotion is brilliant. I have often been baffled at the complete disregard for shame in the human experience. It is as though the whole world is too ashamed to acknowledge the truth of how they really feel about themselves or how they think they are perceived by others. And the reality of affect broadcasting! How could six billion people collectively, unconsciously choose to put their blinders on and ignore the underlying mechanics of the human experience for so long. How about the description of affect broadcasting? Finally, a beginning model of the personal-social experiences, a reasoning behind social mores and their enforcement! What a pleasure to acquire such useful understanding from a book. I spent years of my own life trying to put the pieces together, putting myself in shameful situation after another (such as the pursuit of mastery of difficult, seemingly unattainable skills and accomplishments, such as professional music performance at high levels and with special emphasis on my weakness as opposed to natural strengths in front of unsympathetic, self-absorbed and cruel audiences. Suffice to say, through years of discipline and tenacity I achieved some excellent skills and experience) trying to understand the Rosetta Stone behind the human experience. This book helped provide a few key pieces to the puzzle. I was riveted! It is a fairly easy read to boot!

Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self

This is the most readable and cogent explanation of shame to those of us born and bred with that heritage, not knowing it was not the norm for sense of self and relationships. Excellent! I read it in 1992 and am rereading it and sharing it with those who live with the taint of shame.

I'm a former foreign correspondent who has traveled the world and experienced many cultures. This is a wonderful book about the relatively obscure, but revolutionary, work on affect by Silvan Tomkins. In my opinion, Tomkins new framing of behavioral psychology is as great a contribution to 20th century science as the works of Darwin, Freud and Jung. Anyone who reads this book will be transformed and gain greater insight into their own lives and the social dynamics of the world around them. Nathanson is a good writer and the book is a riveting read. I've given it to many people over the years, and recommend it highly!

A book that changed my life. Changed and saved my life I often say. Now who am I to say that and why pay attention to me? I am a "Family Doctor" who from the very beginning decided to take his trade seriously and try and treat "the family" and the whole person. We, as few realize, are able to prescribe all the psychiatric drugs available and are expected to recognize and at least refer, if not treat, major and minor psychiatric illnesses. The need is great for this kind of care. Look around you. I had always been interested in the psychiatric side of care but felt much was lacking and was always teaching myself.

Despite reading many "Great Books" when people ask me what the most important book in my life is I have to say it is "Shame and Pride" by Donald Nathanson because not being 2/3 through it I knew my practice of medicine would forever change. Through his clear and precise prose he taught me and brought me into the world of Silvan S. Tomikins and began to introduce me to the never ending exploration of the concept of shame as Tomkins defines it. It captures so much of our essence in a brilliant contribution summarizing much of shames influence in our life in what is called the "Compass of Shame." Equally importantly, for my part, he introduced me to the world of "interest" as a full blown emotion.

Most importantly we are left with a work not specifically on "mental heath" and its intricacies but on the "human being." Tomkins produced a theory of "the human being." This being the case one quickly sees how this new way of seeing can be applied with great benefit to any area of life.

Brian Lynch, M.D.
Family and Addiction Medicine and Author "Knowing Your Emotions"
Chicago, Ill

The book is very informative and brings to the fore a great concept of self. If the theory holds up to time and testing it should be very worthwhile reading for anyone whose life has not been a great big bowl of Cherries!!! The author need not throw $10 words at the lay reader(much more familiar words would have been more appropriate) and the flow of text could have been a little smoother.