It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids [Paperback]

Heather Shumaker (Author)

Book Description

Release date: August 2, 2012

Parenting can be such an overwhelming job that it’s easy to lose track of where you stand on some of the more controversial subjects at the playground (What if my kid likes to rough house—isn’t this ok as long as no one gets hurt? And what if my kid just doesn’t feel like sharing?). In this inspiring and enlightening book, Heather Shumaker describes her quest to nail down “the rules” to raising smart, sensitive, and self-sufficient kids. Drawing on her own experiences as the mother of two small children, as well as on the work of child psychologists, pediatricians, educators and so on, in this book Shumaker gets to the heart of the matter on a host of important questions. Hint: many of the rules aren’t what you think they are!

 

The “rules” in this book focus on the toddler and preschool years—an important time for laying the foundation for competent and compassionate older kids and then adults. Here are a few of the rules:

 

• It’s OK if it’s not hurting people or property
• Bombs, guns and bad guys allowed.
• Boys can wear tutus.
• Pictures don’t have to be pretty.
• Paint off the paper!
• Sex ed starts in preschool
• Kids don’t have to say “Sorry.”
• Love your kid’s lies.

IT’S OK NOT TO SHARE is an essential resource for any parent hoping to avoid PLAYDATEGATE (i.e. your child’s behavior in a social interaction with another child clearly doesn’t meet with another parent’s approval)!

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Rarely do parenting books trigger in me an exhale. But the title alone for Heather Shumaker’s new book came like that rare August breeze." –The Washington Post "On Parenting"

"An insightful, sensible and compassionate book full of downright revolutionary ideas." –Salon.com

"Brilliant. . . . It's OK Not to Share is an enlightening book that will make you take a second look at everything you believe." –Parents.com

"Did you read the title and think, what the heck? Me, too. Not only did I read it to figure out the title, I underlined about a third–it's that good." –Melissa Taylor, ImaginationSoup.net

"What an amazing book! [Shumaker] challenge[s] the parenting myths and fallacies that our society has embraced for so long." –Provider Resource Organization

"A breath of fresh air" –Jane Pratt, founder of xoJane.com

"These 'renegade rules' will resonate with what you know to be true, speak to what you want most for your children, and teach you how to achieve it. Don't let this one slip off your reading list." –Dr. Becky Bailey, author of Conscious Discipline and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

"This beautifully written book. . . provides immediate, sanity-saving answers to tough parenting questions. I highly recommend it." –Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son

"From 'Bombs, Guns, and Bad Guys Allowed' to '"I Hate You!" Is Nothing Personal,' the table of contents alone is music to my ears. Heather Shumaker is a healthy mom I can relate to–and I'll bet you will too, when you hear out her logic." –Paula Spencer Scott, author of Momfidence!

"A refreshing change from the usual admonitions. . . Shumaker's Renegade Rules are based on what children really need." –Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

"Shumaker beautifully shows us why letting kids be kids may be the single most important thing we can do as parents." –Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing

"A must-read for parents and teachers. This is a book you will want with you all the time." –Daniel Hodgins, author of Boys: Changing the Classroom, Not the Child

"A no-nonsense commonsense appraoch. . . As you read this book, you will begin to feel the stress of parenting melt away." –Vivian Kirkfield, PositiveParentalParticipation.com
 

About the Author

Heather Shumaker is a journalist whose writing has appeared in Parenting, Pregnancy, Organic Gardening, and other publications. A frequent speaker on parenting topics and an advocate for free, unstructured play in homes and schools, she has a special passion for nonprofits; before turning to writing full-time, she worked for The Nature Conservancy, Audubon Society, Hudson River Sloop Clearwater, and many others. She holds an MS degree from the Institute for Environmental Studies at University of Wisconsin-Madison, and a BA from Swarthmore College. Heather makes her home in northern Michigan, with her husband, three chickens, and two children.

Product Details

• Paperback: 400 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher (August 2, 2012)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585429368
• ISBN-13: 978-1585429363
• Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 6 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (33 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,837 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Heather Shumaker is a mother and journalist whose book "It's Okay not to Share: and other renegade rules for raising competent and compassionate kids" shares unconventional parenting wisdom. She has written for magazines and radio including "Parenting" and "Organic Gardening," and currently lives in northern Michigan where she raises chickens.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect Primer for Becoming a Free-Range Parent October 17, 2012

By Think Banned Thoughts

Format:Paperback

When I heard about It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker, it seemed like a book that might have some practical answers to this epidemic. There was a free sample chapter available called "Let Your Kid Swear". I read it, shared it and thought to myself "Ah-ha, here is someone who gets it."

The book arrived in my box shortly afterward and I dove in.

I quickly discovered that this book was written for parents of younger children, under the age of 6 - those really formative years. My kids are older than that, but I kept reading anyway. After 8 years of being told that I am a strict, lax, mean, over-nice, lazy, tough, terrible, brilliant, neurotic, crazy, casual parent, it was kind of nice to read a book that told me that for all these years I have been doing everything (mostly) just right. (Which is not to say that any of you have been doing it wrong - read on.)

My approach to parenting is based largely on what I consider "common sense", but what this book has told me is actually Renegade Sense - which explains so very much. I didn't realize that I really was parenting off the rails, but looking back, I see that for most of the fellow parents I know, these rules go against everything their "What to Expect when you have a toddler/preschooler/child" type books have told them.

All of these common sense guidelines, er, Renegade Rules, for parenting stem from one single rule - It's okay if it's not hurting people or property. They also stem from a deep respect for children's play. Something I fully support.

One of the things I like most about Renegade Rules is that Shumaker takes the time to help us take off our "adult lenses" and see the world through a kid's eyes. She also breaks down the tangible benefits of each and every Renegade Rule.

While I have been living this way for 8 years now, and I can see the benefits with my own eyes, for the very many parents I meet each day who have not gone renegade yet, these little asides might be just the ticket to encourage them to try.

I think of it as an eight step program from helicopter to free-range parenting.

If I had any complaint about this book at all it was the number of times Shumaker reminded us that "especially boys" need to - wiggle, move, be active, hit, be aggressive, be loud, be rowdy, act rambunctious, run, jump, climb, play with sticks, turn innocuous objects into guns, lasers, bombs or other weapons. I hear this line all the time and every single time I hear it I just want to ask, "Have you met my girls?"

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Remarkable, unusual approach to childrearing August 2, 2012

By D. L. McKeen

Format:Paperback

This unconventional book will instigate controversy, or at least raise some eyebrows, but it really makes sense. Just one example: As adults, we aren't expected to hand over something we have just because another adult wants it, and we'd certainly object if someone forced us to do so. Why do we require children to "share" what they have? Is that really teaching them constructive behavior, or are we inadvertently creating problems?

On that issue and many others, Heather Shumaker offers alternative methods of supporting young children's social and emotional development. Some "rules" are more unusual than others, but all are clearly explained and supported with research. She includes tips on how to implement the strategies, what to say and not say (some surprises here), and how to respond to adults who question these methods.

Heather Shumaker's writing style is engaging and easy to read, and the book is well organized. Parents and caregivers of toddlers and preschoolers will find this book tremendously useful and helpful in facing the challenges of raising young children.

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars At last someone is making sense! February 17, 2013

By A Quiet Conscience

Format:Kindle Edition

I have been talking about the title subject for a while now and I'm so glad that it's being given some serious discussion. Why do we force children to share if WE aren't sharing based on the same arbitrary rules? Sure at first it seems like we're fostering some horrible greed in our kids, but what if we're actually teaching a child to respect other people's feelings, their own feelings and the objects that they and their friends value? How many times did you share something only to never have it returned or returned broken? (I sure had this happen to me as I was a very "sharing" kid!)

I want to illustrate the entire problem with sharing as evidenced in the plot of the Sesame Street film, Elmo in Grouchland. The story goes that Elmo finds Zooey all upset and wants her to feel better so he lets her hold his prized possession, his blanket. This is no ordinary blanket because as the film shows, we spend the entire opening montage showing how much he LOVES his blanket. He has an attachment to it. Anyway, he lets her touch it and then he asks for it back. Zooey then outright REFUSES to return it to him saying, "In a minute, Elmo!" and then he starts to panic and insists on it back. She keeps refusing and then he tries to take it back, and she refuses to let go. They have a tug of war until the blanket rips. This is the catalyst for the entire message of the film which seems to be, "Share your most valuable, sentimental, prizes possessions with people who have NO RESPECT for you or your feelings OR your possessions, either. If you don't, you will be labelled a horrible selfish grouch!" Elmo eventually ends up chasing his blanket to Grouchland (as it gets lost) and meets the Mandy Patinkin character who is obsessed with everything being his. He touches it, it's his. This is supposed to show and teach us how evil we are to value our own property. Elmo is basically treated like his feelings don't matter. At the end of the film he realizes that he should not have dared say no to Zooey, he had no right to want his own blanket back, and that it's ok for other people to ridicule and cajole you into "sharing" your stuff with them. And tough luck if when and if you get your stuff back, it's broken. Not once in the film did Zooey ever admit she was in the wrong for not letting him have the blanket back when he politely requested it. Not once in the film do we see Elmo's feelings validated. Not once are we told that it's important to respect other people's feelings about their stuff. Not once were we taught that when someone loans us something, we should take very good care of it.

It's just ridiculous.

And BTW if you believe we should all be forced to share, I'd like to borrow your SUV for the weekend. Don't worry, I might even return it in once piece.