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59 of 68 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Do Sharks Dream?, July 6, 2003
This review is from: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (DVD)
I am in my early thirties, which, by almost anyone's definition still classifies me as relatively young. I am old enough, however, that I have watched more than my fair share of grade Z ubercheesy movies. During my late night television excursions in the 1980s, I vividly remember watching the sort of films that could cause serious brain damage to even the most stalwart soul, films loaded with monosyllabic actors, scripts written on clay tablets, and special effects that were neither special nor effective. I thought I saw it all during those halcyon days of youth, until I discovered the wonders of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." You have not lived until you witness the spectacular beauty, the overwhelming sense of metaphysical ecstasy, the sheer jaw dropping brilliance of "Shark Attack 3." In fact, don't even finish reading this review. You are wasting valuable time better spent tracking down a copy of this inspiring objet d'art. Believe me when I tell you that this film will not stay on store shelves for long. I felt from the beginning that I was in the presence of greatness with this movie, and every minute that went by only confirmed this initial impression. The story of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" is deceptively simple, but even a doctor of philosophy probably could not discern the higher planes of thought contained in this movie. A resort in Mexico faces danger from the reemergence of the prehistoric Megalodon shark, who swims up from the Challenger Trench to attack an underground cable set up by the evil Apex Corporation. The only hope for humanity rests with the actions of Ben, an employee of the resort, and Cat, a paleontologist who arrives in Mexico to hunt down the shark. The film is necessarily gory, as the shark attacks anyone in the water and even attacks boats with seeming indifference. Just when we think the shark's defeat is imminent, a surprise visitor shows up to wreak further havoc on the human race. See, it sounds simple, doesn't it? I will admit my credentials leave me woefully inadequate to properly analyze "Shark Attack 3," but I firmly believe the answer lies in the Challenger Trench where the Megalodon lives. The trench is obviously a metaphor for a Nietzschean abyss, and when man stares deeply into the crevasse the abyss stares back by disgorging the prehistoric shark. Ben represents the superman, as you will see when this seemingly mild mannered individual rises over all other humans on the planet to combat the ancient evil of the Megalodon. Ben accomplishes feats no other person could hope to achieve. The boats he sails on move even when they look like they are standing still, and a ship with the hull in tatters from an assault by the shark fails to sink when Ben appears on the scene. Only a superman will lead the human race, and Ben is that superman. If you think Crispin Glover is the end all be all of the performing arts, you will appreciate the genius of John Barrowman, the actor who plays the Ben role. Both actors share the sublime visions that make a film like "Shark Attack 3" possible even though Glover unfortunately never appears in the movie. I quickly realized you don't need to worry about watching the two previous films that constitute the rest of this series. Oh no, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" stands alone, proudly eschewing such banalities as an engaging script, decent special effects, talented actors, and lush cinematography. The director, crew, and cast of "Shark Attack 3" roared their derision at the mere idea of such conventional cinematic structures. These brave pioneers, these trailblazers of the celluloid frontier used stock footage of divers and sharks for half of the total running time of the film. Sure, the actors laughed for no reason during many of the scenes, but you would not contain your glee either if you starred in this straight to video magnum opus. I also noticed how many times the male actors gave each other high fives during the course of the story, which makes perfect sense when you realize that these Shakespearean thespians are merely expressing the elation they feel about such career making roles. This cast is going places, folks. After delivering groundbreaking performances in this movie, they will take the world of industrial training films by storm. Special mention goes to the two gentlemen driving the boat with the parasailer in tow. The performance these two budding Brandos turn in evokes hints of a higher evolutionary form of mankind, a state the rest of us may reach in 10,000 years or so. It should go without saying that I have neither the ability nor the space to convey the full implications of the old tar that accompanies Ben on his quest to defeat the abyss-creature. Just watch for the line, "I have a spare. It's the Navy way," and you'll understand my dilemma. I suspect plans are underway to recruit additional Slavic actors in order to create a "Shark Attack 4," and I seriously believe that another film in this series will sweep away the old epistemologies and usher in a superior consciousness amongst the human race. In the meantime, we all have our hands full just trying to decipher the intricacies of "Shark Attack 3." I give this wonderfully vibrant cinematic venture one star, but not for obvious reasons. The one star is actually a judgment about me, a viewer who failed to grasp the inner configurations of this fascinating philosophical jaunt.
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17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Where to Begin???, January 21, 2005
This review is from: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (DVD)
***Spoilers! But the movie is so predictable it doesn't matter***
I can't even begin to think where I should start ripping this Horror(able) movie apart. But let me try.
The Story: Not much of one but let me try. Ben is an overly happy chap who seems to be way-too-chummy with everyone on his beach resort... Until the Meg shows up. This computer animated shark that growls reeks havoc in Mexico and destroys an evil businessman's plans of a fibor-obtic communications cable. The shark is drawn out of the water by electrodes coming from the cable. It then goes on a killing spree and has to be stopped by the above mentioned jovial fellow, an attractive paleontologist, and another cheerful individual who happens to have an onslaught of atomic weapons (as all ex-naval officers do.) They devise a plan to kill the Meg and save the world from a possible prehistoric Armageddon. I'm serious, this is no joke.
The Bad: So it begins- I can honestly tell you there is at least one thing to laugh at in EVERY scene. I'll give a brief listing of them.
-The server who gives the happy Ben coffee in the morning (which Ben seems ready to burst with laughter over this colossal feat) is a different server when the camera changes angles.
-Three and a half words: "Here comes El Guapo"
-The security guard at the overly hot Cat's museum CAN'T SPEAK. He is a stuttery mm-mmm-mess
-When Esai starts the boat, they flip back to the jubilant Ben and if you look at the water, the boat isn't moving.
-The ENTIRE swordfish scene. Listen to the franco in the background attempting to speak. Then the whole "thirty years" comment. What in the sam hell is that?
-The randomness of the two punk rockers going down a water slide. Who are they? Why are they there? Why is the water in the slide turned on at 2:00 AM? Who is the mysterious shark queen they show at the end of the scene? Does she summon the sharks? Is she in charge of the entire Meg population? Will she start a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world?
-The line. You know which one. Right before the love scene. "You know I'm really tired, well actually I'm wired, how bout I take you home and" -I will NOT ruin this for you. Watch this with friends you'll get a kick. I'd try this line at the bars, but I think I'd get my @$$ kicked.
-The code monkeys
-The growls from the shark
-The @$$ man conversation
-The screen on the tracking device is a piece of paper that is glued on.
-The Jet Ski scene
-The way the one dude falls out of the boat during the parasailing scene.
-The fact that the always pleasant Ben and crew find it more necessary to help some drunk with a boo-boo on his head that a lady who is about to get mauled by a megalodon (that growls.)
-The angle on the camera that was put on the meg is on the wrong fin when they show it.
-The intolerable chumminess and amount of high fives.
The Good: Ha, that's a laugh, Except for the hot girls throughout the entire flick.
For those of you have seen this trash before go back and watch for these flaws.
And for those of you who say this is the worst/funniest movie ever, shame on you!!! You've obviously never seen Satan's Children starring Bobby Douglas. Check it out.
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26 of 29 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
For All You Campy Movie Lovers, June 17, 2003
This review is from: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (DVD)
Imagine "Jaws." Now take away 99/100 of the budget, all the actors, substitute the mechanized shark with footage, the script and dialogue are by a guy whose only other credit is a published letter to "Dear Abby" and voilà! You have "Shark Attack 3-Megalodon" A giant shark that makes the Big White look like a minnow threatens a Mexican resort. The evil resort owner does not want to hurt business. Brave security policeman, nubile idealistic girl and old salt want to warn the tourists and get the shark. Does this sound familiar? A few more keywords: shark attacks boat, shark blows up, someone supposed to have been eaten by the shark shows up alive and well. All rejoice. I couldn't decide whether to give this one star because it is so bad or five stars because it is so perfectly bad. I compromised with two. I won't fault the actors because with dialogue this awful, Sir John Gielgud couldn't have made it sound good. Director David Worth can't be all bad, he directed the highly successful "Naked Gun." Maybe the budget and a probable 5-day shooting schedule did him in. So who's to blame? Let's not blame anyone and instead, cherish it for its purity of bad. It's kinda fun to recite the actors' lines before they say them,
-sweetmolly-Amazon Reviewer
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