Customer Reviews

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

5 star:		(31)
4 star:		(11)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(11)
1 star:		(16)

 

 

I am in my early thirties, which, by almost anyone's definition still classifies me as relatively young. I am old enough, however, that I have watched more than my fair share of grade Z ubercheesy movies. During my late night television excursions in the 1980s, I vividly remember watching the sort of films that could cause serious brain damage to even the most stalwart soul, films loaded with monosyllabic actors, scripts written on clay tablets, and special effects that were neither special nor effective. I thought I saw it all during those halcyon days of youth, until I discovered the wonders of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." You have not lived until you witness the spectacular beauty, the overwhelming sense of metaphysical ecstasy, the sheer jaw dropping brilliance of "Shark Attack 3." In fact, don't even finish reading this review. You are wasting valuable time better spent tracking down a copy of this inspiring objet d'art. Believe me when I tell you that this film will not stay on store shelves for long. I felt from the beginning that I was in the presence of greatness with this movie, and every minute that went by only confirmed this initial impression.

The story of "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" is deceptively simple, but even a doctor of philosophy probably could not discern the higher planes of thought contained in this movie. A resort in Mexico faces danger from the reemergence of the prehistoric Megalodon shark, who swims up from the Challenger Trench to attack an underground cable set up by the evil Apex Corporation. The only hope for humanity rests with the actions of Ben, an employee of the resort, and Cat, a paleontologist who arrives in Mexico to hunt down the shark. The film is necessarily gory, as the shark attacks anyone in the water and even attacks boats with seeming indifference. Just when we think the shark's defeat is imminent, a surprise visitor shows up to wreak further havoc on the human race.

See, it sounds simple, doesn't it? I will admit my credentials leave me woefully inadequate to properly analyze "Shark Attack 3," but I firmly believe the answer lies in the Challenger Trench where the Megalodon lives. The trench is obviously a metaphor for a Nietzschean abyss, and when man stares deeply into the crevasse the abyss stares back by disgorging the prehistoric shark. Ben represents the superman, as you will see when this seemingly mild mannered individual rises over all other humans on the planet to combat the ancient evil of the Megalodon. Ben accomplishes feats no other person could hope to achieve. The boats he sails on move even when they look like they are standing still, and a ship with the hull in tatters from an assault by the shark fails to sink when Ben appears on the scene. Only a superman will lead the human race, and Ben is that superman. If you think Crispin Glover is the end all be all of the performing arts, you will appreciate the genius of John Barrowman, the actor who plays the Ben role. Both actors share the sublime visions that make a film like "Shark Attack 3" possible even though Glover unfortunately never appears in the movie.

I quickly realized you don't need to worry about watching the two previous films that constitute the rest of this series. Oh no, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" stands alone, proudly eschewing such banalities as an engaging script, decent special effects, talented actors, and lush cinematography. The director, crew, and cast of "Shark Attack 3" roared their derision at the mere idea of such conventional cinematic structures. These brave pioneers, these trailblazers of the celluloid frontier used stock footage of divers and sharks for half of the total running time of the film. Sure, the actors laughed for no reason during many of the scenes, but you would not contain your glee either if you starred in this straight to video magnum opus. I also noticed how many times the male actors gave each other high fives during the course of the story, which makes perfect sense when you realize that these Shakespearean thespians are merely expressing the elation they feel about such career making roles. This cast is going places, folks. After delivering groundbreaking performances in this movie, they will take the world of industrial training films by storm. Special mention goes to the two gentlemen driving the boat with the parasailer in tow. The performance these two budding Brandos turn in evokes hints of a higher evolutionary form of mankind, a state the rest of us may reach in 10,000 years or so. It should go without saying that I have neither the ability nor the space to convey the full implications of the old tar that accompanies Ben on his quest to defeat the abyss-creature. Just watch for the line, "I have a spare. It's the Navy way," and you'll understand my dilemma.

I suspect plans are underway to recruit additional Slavic actors in order to create a "Shark Attack 4," and I seriously believe that another film in this series will sweep away the old epistemologies and usher in a superior consciousness amongst the human race. In the meantime, we all have our hands full just trying to decipher the intricacies of "Shark Attack 3." I give this wonderfully vibrant cinematic venture one star, but not for obvious reasons. The one star is actually a judgment about me, a viewer who failed to grasp the inner configurations of this fascinating philosophical jaunt.

***Spoilers! But the movie is so predictable it doesn't matter***

I can't even begin to think where I should start ripping this Horror(able) movie apart. But let me try.

The Story: Not much of one but let me try. Ben is an overly happy chap who seems to be way-too-chummy with everyone on his beach resort... Until the Meg shows up. This computer animated shark that growls reeks havoc in Mexico and destroys an evil businessman's plans of a fibor-obtic communications cable. The shark is drawn out of the water by electrodes coming from the cable. It then goes on a killing spree and has to be stopped by the above mentioned jovial fellow, an attractive paleontologist, and another cheerful individual who happens to have an onslaught of atomic weapons (as all ex-naval officers do.) They devise a plan to kill the Meg and save the world from a possible prehistoric Armageddon. I'm serious, this is no joke.

The Bad: So it begins- I can honestly tell you there is at least one thing to laugh at in EVERY scene. I'll give a brief listing of them.
-The server who gives the happy Ben coffee in the morning (which Ben seems ready to burst with laughter over this colossal feat) is a different server when the camera changes angles.
-Three and a half words: "Here comes El Guapo"
-The security guard at the overly hot Cat's museum CAN'T SPEAK. He is a stuttery mm-mmm-mess
-When Esai starts the boat, they flip back to the jubilant Ben and if you look at the water, the boat isn't moving.
-The ENTIRE swordfish scene. Listen to the franco in the background attempting to speak. Then the whole "thirty years" comment. What in the sam hell is that?
-The randomness of the two punk rockers going down a water slide. Who are they? Why are they there? Why is the water in the slide turned on at 2:00 AM? Who is the mysterious shark queen they show at the end of the scene? Does she summon the sharks? Is she in charge of the entire Meg population? Will she start a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world?
-The line. You know which one. Right before the love scene. "You know I'm really tired, well actually I'm wired, how bout I take you home and" -I will NOT ruin this for you. Watch this with friends you'll get a kick. I'd try this line at the bars, but I think I'd get my @$$ kicked.
-The code monkeys
-The growls from the shark
-The @$$ man conversation
-The screen on the tracking device is a piece of paper that is glued on.
-The Jet Ski scene
-The way the one dude falls out of the boat during the parasailing scene.
-The fact that the always pleasant Ben and crew find it more necessary to help some drunk with a boo-boo on his head that a lady who is about to get mauled by a megalodon (that growls.)
-The angle on the camera that was put on the meg is on the wrong fin when they show it.
-The intolerable chumminess and amount of high fives.

The Good: Ha, that's a laugh, Except for the hot girls throughout the entire flick.

For those of you have seen this trash before go back and watch for these flaws.

And for those of you who say this is the worst/funniest movie ever, shame on you!!! You've obviously never seen Satan's Children starring Bobby Douglas. Check it out.

Imagine "Jaws." Now take away 99/100 of the budget, all the actors, substitute the mechanized shark with footage, the script and dialogue are by a guy whose only other credit is a published letter to "Dear Abby" and voilà! You have "Shark Attack 3-Megalodon"

A giant shark that makes the Big White look like a minnow threatens a Mexican resort. The evil resort owner does not want to hurt business. Brave security policeman, nubile idealistic girl and old salt want to warn the tourists and get the shark. Does this sound familiar? A few more keywords: shark attacks boat, shark blows up, someone supposed to have been eaten by the shark shows up alive and well. All rejoice.

I couldn't decide whether to give this one star because it is so bad or five stars because it is so perfectly bad. I compromised with two. I won't fault the actors because with dialogue this awful, Sir John Gielgud couldn't have made it sound good. Director David Worth can't be all bad, he directed the highly successful "Naked Gun." Maybe the budget and a probable 5-day shooting schedule did him in. So who's to blame? Let's not blame anyone and instead, cherish it for its purity of bad. It's kinda fun to recite the actors' lines before they say them,
-sweetmolly-Amazon Reviewer

OK, I have vague recollections of seeing the awful SHARK ATTACK 1 on cable a couple of years back and have never even seen SHARK ATTACK 2, but nothing could prepare me for the sheer unadulterated awfulness of SHARK ATTACK 3 - MEGALODON!!! This is primo bad movie material here, folks, harkening back to the grand ole' exploitation shark flicks of the 70's and 80's. Move over GREAT WHITE, move over TINTORERA, move over MAKO JAWS OF DEATH! There's a new kid on the block!

MEGOLODON is not the usual dull-as-dirt DTV crap that fills up Blockbuster's shelves every month. This one is unbelievably awful, over-the-top, and absolutely absurd from start to finish. A giant prehistoric shark is terrorizing a Mexican resort and chomping down on every living human it can get its jaws around. You know you're in for a good time when the smartest character in the whole film is a dog that refuses to go into the ocean and lets the shark eat its master instead! Hilarious dialog, awful acting (with bad dubbing), stock footage that stands out like a sore-thumb, graphic gory violence, and even some nudity to keep things a bit sleazy - it's all here and done with so much gusto that you can't help but have a good time even though you know all along how truly terrible it is. I'm telling you, you have not lived until you've witnessed the shots of a giant shark head spouting from the water and swallowing boats whole. And when's the last time you heard a lead character tell his new girlfriend something like "You know, I'm really wired...what do you say I take you home and eat your ******." OMG!!! Unbelievable madness!!! Joy joy joy!

If you wanna see one of the all-time worst and re-live that old feeling of watching some bad euro-import from the late 70's, this one delivers the dumbness in big doses. It may have been made in 2002, but it looks and feels like a terrible drive-in flick from two decades ago. Good movie fans, proceed with caution. Every one else, check this thing out! Manohman!

This quite simply may be the best "bad" movie of the last 10 years. No debate here between 1 star because it's so poorly done and 5 stars because it's so deliciously bad; it's a 5 star movie, no question. Continuity, quality props, editing, horrible dialogue and scale mean nothing in this movie. No mention of the plot in this review, it's secondary. When you can literally laugh out loud at events because they are so poorly done with total disregard for the viewer, this B-movie is a must see and worth 94 minutes of your life.
The funniest scenes for me are when boats are supposed to be speeding along the shore and then in close ups of the actors, the background is not moving, no wind, no boat vibration, absolutely stationary. And not just once, this methodology is used for every boat scene irregardless of the boat, time of day or actors involved. You can't miss it. And they keep jamming the main boat into full throttle without ever shifting it into a lower speed position. Look we're in low, jam it into high. Look we're in low again some how, jam it into high. Look we're in low yet again, jam it into high. Over and over again. Quality entertainment, guaranteed.
When the Megalodon first appears and eats a boat whole, it's hysterical. Gulp, it's over. You're thinking "What the heck just happened?" Then two guys in the water: gulp, it's over. A raft full of a dozen people: gulp, it's over. A guy jumps off a boat and swan dives into the Megalodon's wide open mouth; gulp, it's over. A jet ski traveling at high speed: gulp, it's over. All of varying sizes and all barely fitting into the giant sharks mouth. The reuse of stock shark footage over and over again is quite entertaining.
In the final act, the Megalodon is attacking a large yacht and it's panicked passenger are doing what?.... they are jumping INTO the water! What? Why? The boat isn't sinking and there's 75 feet of body chomping carnage IN THE WATER anyway. Talk about people deserving to die.
Despite enormous plot holes, haphazard editing, meaningless scenes, unbelievable characters ("What did he just say?") and bad acting, this movie just plows on and like the Megalodon, nothing can stop it. Combined with a gratuitous sex scene and well placed nudity throughout, it's a must see. If you're a B-movie, schlock, sci fi horror junkie, it's a 5 star movie. Don't miss it.

This movie should be shown in art class to teach students what NOT to do when making a film. Yet, it is hysterical to watch for so many reasons.

We had a great time making fun of this movie. The shark first bellows like a cow and then it evolves into a lions roar. We were expecting it to bark later but no such luck. The characters are all awful and the acting is even worse. The lead character looked more orgasmic while trying to drive the submersible than when he was during his sex scene. There is just so much to make fun of that we would make outrageous predictions and half of them came to fruition. I am considering buying this to entertain future guests.

I will admit to viewing this movie solely for the purpose of seeing John Barrowman. As a fan of his most recent works in Doctor Who and Torchwood, I knew going into this movie on what to expect.

All of the negative reviews for this movie are exactly true, it's class A cheese, the scientific facts are dubious at best, the shark is more laughable than anything scary and the green screen work is pure hilarity.

But come on, you don't watch a movie like this for it's cinematic aspect, you watch it because of how bad it is. I haven't laughed so hard during a movie then when I did in watching this. So, 4 stars on keeping me entertained and here's to every really cheesy B movie out there!

It was one of those Sunday afternoons spent in bed channel-surfing. I came across a movie where some folks were on the ocean in a boat. I took the bait and watched. Within ten minutes, I was queerly entranced. Was I finally watching the worst film ever made? After seeing Phantasm in the early 80s, I thought they'd never come up with a combination of worse dialogue, actors, or plot. Frankly, the effects in Phantasm are better!
The actors are dreadful, but not even Brando himself could have pulled off some of the stupid "one-liners" in this film, my favorite of them being when the lead "dude" was out on the ocean with the resident wise-cracking-"scientist"-soon-to-be-evening's-conquest/whore, and he spots the Megalodon, shouts at it and says, "You oversized fish!" Wow. I'd certainly feel threatened, especially if I were 70 feet long and weighed 10,000 pounds. I have to say, though, that I loved the part when the shark bursts through the surface of the water and swallows the boat! The effects are so bad, they're virtually stunning. I couldn't tear myself away from it. All of the deserving jerks in this film bite the big one -- except the ones responsible for its production, and they deserve it the most of all! By far, though, the most entertaining aspect of this film was the English dubbing over English! I'm sure this was done to one character in particular so that we'd all be fooled into thinking he wasn't really 60 and really leathery-looking, but that he was really a 22 year old surfer dude from Zuma Beach! Wow, they had me going! You gotta see it -- it was so bad, I couldn't tear myself away! Now, that's entertainment!

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is perhaps the greatest movie ever filmed! This cinematic masterpiece pits our hero, Ben Carpenter, played by veteran actor John Barrowman best known as the uncredited extra in the 1987 "Untouchables", against the terrifying Megalodon, a prehistoric Great White ancestor that makes Jaws look like a minnow. Aided by the beautiful and equally talented, Cataline Stone, played by Jennifer McShane, of Silk Stockings fame, they do battle with several rampaging sharks, one of which is bent on swallowing packed life rafts whole.

James Lipton of "Inside the Actors Studio" said, "This is the type of movie that makes one think. Much like classic films such as: Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, and Clockwork Orange. Compelling and rich." Well ... not exactly.

Most likely filmed during a drunken and drug filled weekend on the beach, Shark Attack 3 is full of plot holes, editing errors and some of the worst acting ever packed onto a DVD. However, these errors have been meticulously woven together into a semi-coherent film that is gradually reaching cult status ... simply for its campiness and slick one liners.

The movie is of the typical man versus nature genre. Our hero, Ben Carpenter, a local police officer is partnered with paleontologist Cataline Stone in a life and death struggle with the massive Megalodon which is attracted to communication lines deep in the ocean laid by the Apex Corporation, a sinister and evil company. Apex withheld evidence that the sharks were attracted to electromagnetic fields generated by their underwater fiber optic cables in order to protect their profits.

During the course of their investigation and struggle against the sharks, many of Carpenter's and Stone's friends are consumed whole in spectacular special effects featuring stock footage of Great White sharks as they attack the hapless victims edited into the scenes. Ultimately this hap-hazard method of special effects results in serious continuity and scale problems. At times the shark is large enough to swallow a speed boat whole and at other times it struggles to swallow a jet ski. Fortunately for us the director and editor aren't concerned about such trivial problems and plow right on.

The movie finally reaches a creshendo as Ben Carpenter uses a Sega Genesis game controller to pilot a mini-sub, strangely with more interior room than most 15 passenger vans, toward the rampaging Megalodon that is feasting on the villainous Apex Corporation cronies above.

The film has generated some memorable quotes.

Carpenter: "Megalo-who?"
Carpenter: "I'm really wired, how `bout I take you home and eat your *****."
Stone: "Your extinct motherf*cker."

I had seen the ending of this movie on one of USA's Shark Attack marathons, and I laughed so hard I bought it so I could see the whole movie. And I tell you I was not dissapointed. We tend to think of B movies being from the 80's on back, but apparently there is still a small market for straight to video releases. I will admit: it's rare to see any B-movie this entertaining.

In short, it's basically a straight-up Jaws rip-off with Russian actors badly dubbed with bad dialogue. Bad script, bad directing, bad acting, bad key-gripping, bad best-boying, and I'm sure bad-catering all come into play here. But they don't compare to the caliber of the special fx: no mechanical sharks, no man in shark suits with zippers up the back, it's even worse...Discovery Channel Shark Week stock footage of sharks, super-imposed by what appears to be an 8th grade computers class kid eating people. Jacques Cousteau is rolling in his grave.

Things to watch for:
-The changing size of the shark
-The medical kit that only has a flare gun in it
-The submarine exterior vs. the size of it's interior
-The man (who looks mysteriously like John McCain) flipping off the shark
-The Apex Corporation's Cold-Waresque control room
-The box of explosives
-The rifle that still works after being underwater for 5 minutes
-"Mistery Shark"
-The digital photo of the shark tooth
-People jumping off the ship that isn't actually sinking
-The fact that there seems to be no Mexicans in Mexico
-Who is touching the girl's thigh?
-The bombs that look like Magic 8-Balls
-"Always carry a spare. It's the Navy way."
-The leftover torpedo arsenal in John McCain's house
-The church scene that has absolutley nothing to do with anything else in the movie
-Topless women that have absolutely nothing to do with the movie
-Sex scene that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie
-The man taking off the clown mask that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie
-The skinny dipping scene, where the guy says something incredibly dirty to the girl
-***MY PERSONAL FAVORITE*** ....The line. Believe me, you'll know it when you hear it. It's so dirty...I don't think I've ever heard anything that dirty said in a porno even.

Amazingly, it's a highly watchable movie. There are a few times when the action gets slow, but it generally moves along at a pretty good clip. All the goofs and badness of it make it a great movie to watch with a friend who appreciates B-movies. I'm convinced the two leading actors didn't take this movie too seriously due to what appears to be laughter in some serious scenes, but all the other actors are Russian, and this is probably how they feed their vodka habit. I very much recommend this movie for a good laugh, and nothing more.