Infidelity doesn't have to ruin your life---or your marriage If you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal---whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction---you need to know you don't have to live as a victim. If you choose to stay in your marriage, you have options other than punishing, tolerating, or ignoring your spouse; in fact, extraordinary growth awaits a woman willing to deal with the pain of her husband's struggles with sexual purity. Even if a spouse will not participate in a program for healing, a woman who has been sexually betrayed can change her own life in powerful and permanent ways. This sensitive guide provides practical tools to help you make wise and empowering decisions, emotional tools to develop greater intimacy in your life, and spiritual tools to transform your suffering. Debra Laaser's personal journey through betrayal, her extensive work with hundreds of hurting women, and her intimate marriage two decades after the disclosure of her husband's infidelity provide meaningful answers to the questions that arise amid the complex fallout of broken vows. The pain endured from sexual betrayal can break your heart, but it does not need to break your life.
Shattered Vows
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About the Author
Debbie Laaser, MA, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has been involved in recovery with her husband, Mark, for over 25 years. Debbie facilitates therapy groups and counsels spouses who have been relationally betrayed. She also speaks with her husband at training events and workshops around the country and is the author of Shattered Vows. SPANISH BIO: Debra Laaser tiene su BS de la Universidad de Iowa. Ella comenzo y llevo una empresa nacional durante mas de veinte anos, y es presidente y CEO de sus operaciones. Actualmente trabaja a tiempo competo con su marido. Mare, en sus centros de consejeria, y es la autora de Shattered Vows.
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More About the Author
Debra Laaser has her BS from Iowa State University. She started and ran a national company for over twenty years, becoming president and CEO of its operations. She currently works full time with her husband, Mark, at their counseling center, and is the author of Shattered Vows. Debra and Mark currently reside in Minnesota and have three grown children.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
45 of 45 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Have you ever read a book that was so familiar, you wondered if the author had stolen your dairy?
I felt that way when I read Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed. Debra Laaser's discovery of and recovery from her husband's sexual betrayal mirrors my own. Even though I did not read her book while I was going through the healing process, I know from experience that her advice works! I'm glad to say that she will guide you through your trauma just the way I would if you were my friend.
My only reservation in handing you a book, is that a book can be devoured in one evening, while the process of healing from sexual betrayal takes a much longer time. When I had first discovered my husband's sexual betrayal, I begged my mentor for the band-aid of a helpful book. Wouldn't you know, she refused to offer any titles to me! She said that she'd much rather me take the time to pray; to pour my heart out before the Lord and listen for His guidance and love. In retrospect, I deeply appreciate her advice. Because I wasn't running to a book's big-picture advice, I was able to hear God's wisdom about each little step that I was to take day after day. Of course, in time, I sought the wisdom of a handful of books that made a big difference in our restoration.
So, if you are ready for some book-advice, I do not hesitate to recommend "Shattered Vows" to you. Now, I will warn you: Laaser's life seems "bigger" than most of our lives. (She was the CEO of a national company and her husband was a successful pastoral counselor when his sexual betrayal graced the front page of the local newspaper. He then had the opportunity to attend a 3-week treatment center.) But, once you get beyond Mark and Debra Laaser's specific circumstances, Debra's wisdom is applicable for all of us, as she refers primarily to Scripture and the credible 12-step recovery program.
If you are reeling from the discovery of your husband's sexual betrayal, take a deep breath, pray, and consider only tackling the first chapter, "What Am I Supposed to Do Now?: First Steps for the Brokenhearted". You'll be relieved to find the answers to questions that might be keeping you awake at night. You know, the big ones like, "Should I Leave or Stay?" "What Do I Tell the Kids?" and "How Can I Make Sure He Deals with His Problems?" Laaser explains the importance of creating boundaries and consequences, while deliberately not controlling the husband who needs to address his sin personally. This chapter addresses choices that you will want to make right away in order to give you and your husband a better foundation for possible restoration.
Then, if I were you, I'd put the book down for a moment. Breathe again. Pray again. Follow through with Laaser's very wise first-chapter advice, one step at a time.
Once you are ready, pick the book up again and tackle the next few chapters, which will help you to find support and to understand how the betrayal happened. Laaser offers deep wisdom about what to do with your fragile heart as you are processing and recovering from the trauma.
In time, tackle the remaining chapters in the book, which will lead you through the process of relinquishing control, getting well, forgiving, rebuilding trust, and pursuing restoration if possible. Without a doubt, you will find a wealth of information and encouragement just when you need it most: to hear over and over again that full healing really is possible in Christ.
"Shattered Vows" is packed with wisdom that will apply to your journey over time. Laaser does a wonderful job of unraveling each thread that is woven into the restoration process. Plan to keep a copy of the book on your nightstand for as long as it takes you to follow through, one thread at a time. Consider buying a copy for a close Christian friend or mentor so that you can pray about and discuss it together.
I'll leave you with one line that I underlined from page 203: "As you forgive the one who betrayed you, you will find yourself talking differently about him, thinking differently about him, and extending mercy to him. This kind of forgiveness invites you in to the process yourself, recognizing that you can extend true forgiveness only if you have been on the receiving end of it."
I felt that way when I read Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed. Debra Laaser's discovery of and recovery from her husband's sexual betrayal mirrors my own. Even though I did not read her book while I was going through the healing process, I know from experience that her advice works! I'm glad to say that she will guide you through your trauma just the way I would if you were my friend.
My only reservation in handing you a book, is that a book can be devoured in one evening, while the process of healing from sexual betrayal takes a much longer time. When I had first discovered my husband's sexual betrayal, I begged my mentor for the band-aid of a helpful book. Wouldn't you know, she refused to offer any titles to me! She said that she'd much rather me take the time to pray; to pour my heart out before the Lord and listen for His guidance and love. In retrospect, I deeply appreciate her advice. Because I wasn't running to a book's big-picture advice, I was able to hear God's wisdom about each little step that I was to take day after day. Of course, in time, I sought the wisdom of a handful of books that made a big difference in our restoration.
So, if you are ready for some book-advice, I do not hesitate to recommend "Shattered Vows" to you. Now, I will warn you: Laaser's life seems "bigger" than most of our lives. (She was the CEO of a national company and her husband was a successful pastoral counselor when his sexual betrayal graced the front page of the local newspaper. He then had the opportunity to attend a 3-week treatment center.) But, once you get beyond Mark and Debra Laaser's specific circumstances, Debra's wisdom is applicable for all of us, as she refers primarily to Scripture and the credible 12-step recovery program.
If you are reeling from the discovery of your husband's sexual betrayal, take a deep breath, pray, and consider only tackling the first chapter, "What Am I Supposed to Do Now?: First Steps for the Brokenhearted". You'll be relieved to find the answers to questions that might be keeping you awake at night. You know, the big ones like, "Should I Leave or Stay?" "What Do I Tell the Kids?" and "How Can I Make Sure He Deals with His Problems?" Laaser explains the importance of creating boundaries and consequences, while deliberately not controlling the husband who needs to address his sin personally. This chapter addresses choices that you will want to make right away in order to give you and your husband a better foundation for possible restoration.
Then, if I were you, I'd put the book down for a moment. Breathe again. Pray again. Follow through with Laaser's very wise first-chapter advice, one step at a time.
Once you are ready, pick the book up again and tackle the next few chapters, which will help you to find support and to understand how the betrayal happened. Laaser offers deep wisdom about what to do with your fragile heart as you are processing and recovering from the trauma.
In time, tackle the remaining chapters in the book, which will lead you through the process of relinquishing control, getting well, forgiving, rebuilding trust, and pursuing restoration if possible. Without a doubt, you will find a wealth of information and encouragement just when you need it most: to hear over and over again that full healing really is possible in Christ.
"Shattered Vows" is packed with wisdom that will apply to your journey over time. Laaser does a wonderful job of unraveling each thread that is woven into the restoration process. Plan to keep a copy of the book on your nightstand for as long as it takes you to follow through, one thread at a time. Consider buying a copy for a close Christian friend or mentor so that you can pray about and discuss it together.
I'll leave you with one line that I underlined from page 203: "As you forgive the one who betrayed you, you will find yourself talking differently about him, thinking differently about him, and extending mercy to him. This kind of forgiveness invites you in to the process yourself, recognizing that you can extend true forgiveness only if you have been on the receiving end of it."
38 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
No one Likes to Talk about Sexual Betrayal...when it Happens to Them
February 9, 2008
Format:Paperback
No one likes to talk about sexual betrayal.
Let me rephrase that. No one likes to talk about sexual betrayal when it happens to him or her. Not long ago, Debra Laaser experienced a wife's worst nightmare. And today, she is ready to tell her story.
And a well-told story it is, written with clarity and eloquence surprising for a first time solo-author. But this work is neither a biography, nor a collection of Deb Laaser's memoirs; it is a survivor's guide for the betrayed.
The book has exercises throughout: A "thinking it over" section at the end of each chapter lists about 5 reflective questions. There are illustrations, charts, figures, and interactive forms. There are lists of useful web pages, descriptions of relevant support groups, and a depression self-assessment.
For the reader seeking applicable knowledge, Debra answers a plethora of questions including:
--How quickly should I forgive?
--In whom should I confide?
--What do I tell the kids?
--Should I be sexual with my spouse?
And she guides the reader on how to understand, feel, respond, grieve, trust, not trust, accept help, gain control, heal, forgive, and rebuild. 250 pages of information, organized in a very accessible way.
Even with a short glance the reader can't help but take away something useful.
Final Note: Online Counseling could be a good way to provide care to women who have experienced a betrayal. You can learn hot to provide telephone and online counseling with this guide: The Therapist's Clinical Guide to Online Counseling and Telephone Counseling: The Definitive Training Guide for Clinical Practice
Let me rephrase that. No one likes to talk about sexual betrayal when it happens to him or her. Not long ago, Debra Laaser experienced a wife's worst nightmare. And today, she is ready to tell her story.
And a well-told story it is, written with clarity and eloquence surprising for a first time solo-author. But this work is neither a biography, nor a collection of Deb Laaser's memoirs; it is a survivor's guide for the betrayed.
The book has exercises throughout: A "thinking it over" section at the end of each chapter lists about 5 reflective questions. There are illustrations, charts, figures, and interactive forms. There are lists of useful web pages, descriptions of relevant support groups, and a depression self-assessment.
For the reader seeking applicable knowledge, Debra answers a plethora of questions including:
--How quickly should I forgive?
--In whom should I confide?
--What do I tell the kids?
--Should I be sexual with my spouse?
And she guides the reader on how to understand, feel, respond, grieve, trust, not trust, accept help, gain control, heal, forgive, and rebuild. 250 pages of information, organized in a very accessible way.
Even with a short glance the reader can't help but take away something useful.
Final Note: Online Counseling could be a good way to provide care to women who have experienced a betrayal. You can learn hot to provide telephone and online counseling with this guide: The Therapist's Clinical Guide to Online Counseling and Telephone Counseling: The Definitive Training Guide for Clinical Practice
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I praise God for Debra and this incredible book. After discovering that my husband has had numerous affairs in the past seven years, I told our counselor that I felt like I was in the middle of a tornado unable to do anything while my entire world was whirling and being completely destroyed around me. When the whirling stopped and I surveyed the total devastation everywhere, this book helped me see the remaining bricks of my marriage scattered all around; some were shattered (vows), but many, though damaged, were still whole. Through the encouragement and advice Debra has given by openly and honestly telling her own story, we have been able to slowly pick up one brick at a time and begin rebuilding our marriage. While I knew I had every scriptural right to leave, deep inside I knew that staying and rebuilding would be the greatest thing I could do to honor God and exhibit the forgiveness and grace He has so freely and lovingly shown me. I cannot recommend this book more highly.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Provides Hope & Healing
If you are searching for answers, hope and healing, this is an outstanding book and I would high recommend it. Your journey for could start here.
Published 1 month ago by Enjoys Reading
5.0 out of 5 stars
The healing began after reading the first couple of chapters!
Women who have been hurt and feel their lives ave been shattered by a spouse or significant other's porn addiction should read this!! You CAN heal and find personal happiness.
Published 1 month ago by C. Chastain
3.0 out of 5 stars
Book of healing
I downloaded this book to my kindle. It downloaded quick and very easy. I chose this rating as I read this book many months ago and some things in it were helpful, many things in... Read more
Published 2 months ago by JaNeh
5.0 out of 5 stars
Personal growth assistance
I'm a male, so, I can't completely relate to the book title. However, my wife did cheat on me and I have experienced the "ultimate betrayal" and the devastating effects of... Read more
Published 2 months ago by E
2.0 out of 5 stars
Geared toward women married to sexual addicts and little scripture
I've read several books geared to Christian marriage. Most always they start by blaming the victim of infidelity by making statements about how you didn't meet the needs of your... Read more
Published 2 months ago by GPA
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great
I feel as if Debra Lasser had read my exact thoughts! I have not even shared all f my thoughts and she knew them but yet I have never spoken to her. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Julie
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great book!
It gave the answers that were needed and encouragement. It is very insightful and if you have lived it this book will help you through it.
Published 3 months ago by Ericka
4.0 out of 5 stars
Exactly what I needed....when I needed it
Very easy read, very helpful tips and it just made me feel good to know I'm not alone in my situation.
Published 4 months ago by tamaraflo
5.0 out of 5 stars
Painfully accurate
For anyone who has walked this path and is persevering through the pain on the road of freedom through forgiveness, this book tells a painfully accurate story.
Published 7 months ago by Renee
1.0 out of 5 stars
Not what I was looking for
I was looking for something less psychological and more scriptural. While I'm sure this helped some going through this extremely difficult circumstance, it didn't help with the... Read more
Published 9 months ago by Loves to Read
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