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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) Paperback – Kindle eBook, January 5, 2010

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Editorial Reviews Review

"When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue," writes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. in She Comes First, a straightforward, intimate, and exuberant guide to cunnilingus. Kerner first explored "the oral caress" as a way of compensating for his "sexual inadequacies," and quickly learned that women not only welcomed but often preferred "the way of the tongue," reaching orgasm more consistently than through intercourse. Kerner educates readers about the clitoris, "the powerhouse of pleasure," with 18 parts and 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis) and describes female sexual response from "foreplay" through "coreplay" to "moreplay." A large part of the book is a graphic, detailed primer on "mouth music," including best positions, step-by-step techniques (illustrated), and tips for tongue and fingers. How long should this last? Until the woman has an orgasm or many, says Kerner, and "melts blissfully before your eyes." "The vast majority of women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough," writes Kerner. This book will change that. Women: Buy it for your partner! --Joan Price --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Dispelling the widely held myth of genital penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure, Kerner, who holds a doctorate in clinical sexology, offers this witty, well-researched manual for "consistently leading women to orgasm" through cunnilingus. Loaded with practical anatomical information (the clitoris has 18 distinct parts, and more nerve fibers than any other part of the human body) and graphic line drawings, the book also touches on the less mechanical, more psychological aspects of oral sex, including the three assurances every woman needs from her lover to feel comfortable: (1) "you enjoy it as much as she does"; (2) "there's no rush"; and (3) "Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence." Since studies show the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach her first orgasm during a typical sex session, while men take a mere four minutes, Kerner advises men to delay their own climax and make oral sex "coreplay" ("the substantive phase in which sexual tension builds, culminates and then releases itself through the female orgasm"), instead of foreplay. Breaking down six stages of coreplay, from the "first kiss" to orgasm, Kerner speaks to both beginners and more seasoned lovers. His candor concerning his own bout with sexual dysfunction adds a compassionate tone and credibility to this decidedly pro-female methodology.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Product Details

  • Series: Kerner
  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 Reprint edition (February 1, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060538260
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060538262
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (643 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,475 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy and working with individuals on a range of relational issues.

Ian is the New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including She Comes First (Harper Collins) which is the best-selling sex advice book of the last decade and has been translated into more than a dozen languages.

Ian is regularly quoted as an expert in various media, with frequent appearances on CNN, The Today Show and The Dr. Oz Show. He lectures frequently on topics related to sex and relationships, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale, Princeton, the French Institute Alliance Francaise and the inaugural Sex and Attachment conference in NYC.

Ian is also the founder of, a web destination and publishing company that brings together many of the country's leading sex experts and also conducts original research into various aspects of human sexuality. Recent topics of study include: relationship boredom, sexual adventurousness and changing attitudes around monogamy.

In addition to being a New York State licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). He works with individuals and couples both privately and at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, one of New York's oldest and most respected not-for-profit mental health training and treatment facilities. His practice is composed equally of heterosexual and LGBTQ patients.

Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons and their family dogs, Jitterbug and Oscar.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

508 of 547 people found the following review helpful By Jan-Mar on July 7, 2008
Format: Hardcover
My partner is the original John Wayne - to the core. And for him to read a "how to" book on anything just isn't going to happen. Well, he doesn't have a lot of experience in the art of pleasing a know, cowboys just get on and ride! Well, somehow, he heard about this book and has it ever made a difference. A difference in everything - our level of intimacy, our happiness, everything we do...we are now closer than ever before...and we're both in our 60's!

He first tried some of the techniques without telling me about the book. Well, it was wonderfully obvious to me that something had changed and for the better.

This past weekend, we sat together in bed and he showed me the book and we read exerpts that he had marked together. How wonderful is that! We've laughed and played and we have loved...and after all these years, I am now coming first - and for the first time! How glorious is that!

Thank you, Dr.Kerner!She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
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268 of 314 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 28, 2004
Format: Hardcover
I have always loved the act of pleasing a woman orally, ever since I had my firet experience at age sixteen. When a freind asked me to desribe "it" I described it as a kind of wild, exotic fruit, which was why I was first attracted to Mr. Kerner's book -- the cover; that was it, there on the cover of a book, 20 years later. But the when I opened the book, I was thankful for this coincidence, for Mr. Kerner not only describes the essential parts of a woman's sexual anatomy in great detail, he describes how they work, and how you, your tongue and your lover can team up for a dynamite experience. This book is about love and the senses and all that's brought to bear during sex -- sight, smell, taste, sound, touch -- expecially talk, language, the "grammar" of sex. Ultimately, what makes this book special, raising it head and shoulders above your average "sex manual" is Kerner's ability to focus on the obvious: that communication is the essence of sexual satisfaction, that while you use your fingers and tongue to physically stimulate, it is the combination of ears and tongue, listening to what she wants and needs, and telling her what you want and need, that is the foundation of great sex and great love. This book is a real winner.
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179 of 218 people found the following review helpful By Tanya Russell on September 12, 2004
Format: Hardcover
Believe it or not, my boyfriend bought this book for me, not the other way around! Because I've always had hangups about my body and even though he's been enthusiastic about wanting to satisfy me with his mouth, I just don't want him to because it makes me feel too vulnerable and I worry about being overweight. I like sex under the blankets with the lights off, and I know a lot of other women feel this way too. And when it comes to oral sex, it's easier for a woman to give than receive I think because of all the hang-ups and the feeling that it takes too long and the guy is getting impatient or doesn't like it. So my boyfriend bought me this book to show me how enthusiastic he is and to show me what he wants to do and after I read a few pages, I couldn't wait it set my mind on fire! It was amazing, and now I want it all the time from him and I keep telling him about different techniques in the book, try this one and that one! It's a whole new approach to sex for me, and I never knew that guys could like it so much! So for any woman who is afraid for some reason of having a guy go down on him or just plain nervous about it, this is a great book to get into the male mind-set and also learn things about your own body that you never knew. The only reason I give it four stars is because the author has now turned me into a sex addict and I can't get enough. Also, it's very one-sided towards pleasuring the woman, and doesn't talk about what a woman can do to a guy and sex shouldn't be so one-sided, even though it's a great side to be on!
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14 of 14 people found the following review helpful By E. D. Hance on April 17, 2015
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I thought this book was going to be about physical technique. But, actually it is about slowing down to take a hour or longer, to delay the male's gratification, to learn to read your partner's reactions, to give pleasure without any time table or deadline, to really care deeply for another human being, to enjoy the moment, to not be offended by the smell or taste or feel of your partner, to fully enjoy just being together with another person, to be attracted to the person and want them to enjoy the time together, to have go through all stages in order to reach orgasm and then have a cooling down period of closeness. It really is a book about loving and caring. It is not just about the physical sexual technique or how to get the job done quickly or hooking up with a stranger every Saturday night. The best sex is with someone you really care about and that you take the time at a leisure pace to enjoy sharing an experience. It is sharing and caring at the deepest level.
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468 of 581 people found the following review helpful By girldiver on September 27, 2004
Format: Hardcover
I have a curious mind and always have, so when I came across yet another book about cunnilingus I could not resist. I was especially intrigued when I saw the author was male. `She Comes First' is without a shadow of doubt the best book on the subject today.

I especially loved how he organized his book after Strunk and White's `Elements of Style' so the book is easy to read, easy to follow, and exceptionally helpful in the elements of sexual style and usage. The chapters are short and sweet so if you are in a time crunch you certainly can devour a short chapter at any session.

I cannot exclaim enough how comprehensive this book is on the sexual response of women. The author spends a great deal of time explaining the importance of building sexual tension to bring about pleasure and actually gives step by step instructions to do so.

From the beginner to the experienced enthusiast, there is something in this book for everybody. I was pleasantly surprised by the routines for beginner, intermediate, and advanced sessions. Also the step-by-step guides are an eye opener.

Impeccably written, this book was a joy to read!

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