Customer Reviews

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

5 star:		(105)
4 star:		(17)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

Written by someone who doesn't pass the blame, Simon tells it like it is. He puts the responsibility for abusive behavior squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator. Controlling, manipulative people are free to make choices, but they choose narcissistic processes and outcomes. We must stop excusing their bad behavior and confront it.
Simon says (!) his readers have to take responsibility for their own lives; since they aren't likely to change their perpetrators' behaviors; victims must change the pattern of interaction with perpetrators---and that's the key.
His suggestions aren't just off-the-cuff remarks. They work! For instance, have you ever noticed how hard it is to think of what to say in the moment? How easily we can think of a perfect retort after the moment has passed? Simon's simple suggestion to say, "Will you please repeat that?" works wonders. It's just the break one needs to collect thoughts. Simultaneously, it throws the perpetrator off-base. They don't want to repeat themselves, particularly now that others might be listening more closely. Insults never come out the second time with the same conviction. Next, we're advised to repeat back the insult, such as, "You feel I am _____. Do I understand you correctly?" Being certain you understand the intentions of alleged perpetrators is important. Authors like Patricia Evans (Controlling People) see insults at every turn, her perpetrators typically being stereotypical men or "mothers". Sometimes words don't come out as intended. We don't need to do battle with those we misunderstand.
Once you grasp the accusation and have gathered enough facts to assess the situation, Simon advises you offer the perpetrator the option of taking the discussion into a more private session. It's easier to settle differences when not performing before an audience.
He goes futher with terrific insights and suggestions, but buy the book. It's the most helpful one I've ever read on the topic (and out of misery and desperation, I've read reams). I grew up in the home of a woman who made it clear to me she didn't love me; I walked into a horrendously abusive relationship right out of high school, then I moved on to a controlling husband for the past two decades. For the first time in my life, I understand why I perceive people are "always taking advantage of me". I've let them. Since I've been speaking up, I feel empowered and alive. This book saved my perspective, if not my life, without encouraging me to swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction.

After having read several books on several different self-help topics, psychology books, psychiatry books, etc., I MUST recommend you buy this one, first.

It cuts straight through the bs - neatly and cleanly.

If you are wondering what the heck is wrong with YOU and just can't seem to pin it down, I highly recommend starting here to discover what's at the heart of several disorders, at least how they will affect you when you deal with toxic, intolerant, self-important, crazy-making individuals.

Bottom line: I no longer CARE what's wrong with them. If they can't bother to diagnose themselves, why should I bother? I just want to spot these waterheads from a distance so I can steer clear, and control the damage from those I can't avoid, such as my insane family.

When you "See Through" the techniques as they happen, the only hard part will be keeping a straight face as you expertly deflect their sickness.

And I free my time for concentrating on living MY LIFE on MY TERMS. Wonderful!

And yes, it may seem like common sense, but bear in mind you are dealing with highly skilled manipulators. They've had years and years of experience being covertly aggressive - do not underestimate their power. It happens so quickly, so subtly, you must arm yourself with tools to fight such monsters. The short text makes it possible to "refresh" your "common sense" before facing a nut-inducing encounter (family, co-workers, spouse, etc.)

I have bought copies of this book for friends and can't recommend it enough.

Best wishes & good luck!

I think aggression and manipulation is an "open secret" in our society, and an individual can lead a much more successful life if they have the mental tools to intelligently evaluate and take action against such behavior. "In Sheep's Clothing" could help a reader who is being manipulated and used take necessary steps to deal with a potentially ambiguous situation. If you are beginning to feel that there is something wrong in your relationship (with a relative, significant other, or boss) and that it is not YOU who is crazy, this book might be a good place to start. This would also be a helpful book for a young person entering the workplace or the world of dating to read. I think many of us go out into the world not realizing that we will encounter many people who are sizing us up as potential victims. Those of us who have not already learned to look for covert aggression in people we would hope to find trustworthy (lovers, teachers, therapists, supervisors) might be put on the alert by this book, since these users rely on the victim's and witnesses' denial of what the aggressor are actually doing. The section I found most interesting is the one entitled "Recognizing the Tactics of Manipulation and Control". I think this section is really the heart of the book because the reader can identify the concrete behaviors being used against him and see them for what they are: weapons and tactics of an aggressor. On the downside, I think this book could benefit from a more extensive section on personality disorders. A person who is in a close relationship with a borderline or narcissistic personality disordered abuser would be likely to read this book in the early stages of feeling like something is wrong in their relationship, since manipulation is a major part of the pathology. For someone in this situation, it would be really helpful to be told the characteristics of these disorders so they can more effectively "know their enemy".

Covert aggressive personality model-I never knew this type of personality existed until I was in the way of what it wanted! This book so clearly describes all of the manipulative tactics this personality uses to gain control of what they want (and if you're in their way-watch out!). The book helps you identify your own weaknesses that this personality will try to exploit, and how not to play into their hands-for that's where a lot of the manipulation occurs. The person I experienced would stop at nothing to get her way. Yet, gained the sympathy of others, and had them do her dirty work for her. This is a practical guide for how to recognize and handle this type of person, and believe me, it's not easy. The book helps change any naive views you may have about the core of some people's nature. I found the knowledge I gained from the book empowering for understanding how the covert personality ticks, and ways to handle them. This book educates you to give up the notion that all people are insecure. Some just use that as a ploy to get their way. The person I dealt with used all of the manipulative ploys, and was convincing to others. I wish I had known about this book while I was dealing with this personality type! Educate yourself, as there are people who seem so sweet, yet use all their relationships to gain their own power and control. And if they do get caught, have all of the excuses! The scary part is they stop at nothing to gain control, yet do it in such an underhanded way that even the people who sympathize with them often don't realize that they are simply being used!

This is one of the best books I've ever read.I've been dealing with a highly manipulative top employee for 2 years, trying to figure him out. This book was written about him, as he has tried all the tricks on me, and I was completely unaware. First time I used the book's suggestions it stopped this manipulator in his tracks--there he was with open mouth and no words. Ha. Thank you Dr. Simon

Overall, this book IS a good read. It describes the nasty people out there to a tee. But this book suffers from the same problem most other personality-disorder-type books have: the author spends 99% of the pages describing problematic individuals and only 1% advising how to deal with them. I might be completely wrong here, but I think most of us buy these types of books because we want to learn how to deal with people that frustrate us. For the most part, this is just another book telling us that yes, horrible people are indeed out there, and the author goes on page after page coming back to this central point. With the exception of a few pages, how you deal with these people is for you to figure out for yourself (despite the title of the book).

The gist of this book is that once you are aware that somebody is manipulative, that in itself should be comforting and that is how the author defines "dealing with" a manipulative person. Maybe I'm alone on this, but simply knowing that somebody has control issues while they are making a scene in front of me is not the least bit comforting.

You'll see this in other reviews as well, but there are some oddities to the book. Once you get past the typos and spacing quirks, you'll notice the author repeatedly states how other therapists and conventional psychology are all wrong and how - lucky for us - he came along with the "right" psychological descriptions of why terrible people are the way they are. This "yay for me" attitude is peppered throughout the book, ironically, and is distracting indeed, but not enough to be a purchasing deal breaker, I don't think.

I think I could have given this book more stars if I had read it first, but I just finished reading, "Nasty People" by Jay Carter and THAT is a five star book. Jay is a humble, educated guy who basically says, "Ok, here are the jerks out there and here's what ya gotta do." Although Jay still spends the majority of the book simply describing bad people, he does offer practical advice on how to deal with them, and gives word-for-word examples of what to say, and some body language examples you can use.

All in all, I guess you can't read too many books about people you don't want to be around so this book is worth the read.

This is an absolutely brilliant book. If you are being victimized by a covert-aggressive person, then this book will help you articulate that person's game. If you can articulate what is going on, you are far more likely to gain support from others who, otherwise, are unlikely to understand the complex and utterly subtle dynamics involved in the machinations of the cover-aggressive person.

I firmly believe that covert-aggression is as pronounced a personality disorder as any you will get on the DSM-IV scale. The author of this book clearly outlines the characteristics of these types of people. Having read the book, I am now convinced that covert-aggressive personality disorder is as prevalent and at least as malevolent as passive-aggressive personality disorder, or borderline disorder, to name two well-known ones.

I first encountered people with this disorder in church leadership circles, where one would least expect to find them. I found it interesting that one of the case-studies in the book was a pastor. The book is a real eye-opener and should be part of the standard curriculum on all mental health course curricula. I also believe that covert-aggression personality disorder should become part of the DSM-IV scale.

This was one of the best books on the topic I have read so far. Simon does a very effective job in bringing to light what is actually (covertly) happening to you WHILE its happenning in an easy-to-see manner. Good for identifying and dealing with the behavior in the future.
This is a very good book for covert-manipulation when done TO you.
However, the author forgot to include tactics for when the behavior takes place THROUGH the victim. This treatment is somewhat more complex and very difficult to deal with since the ultimate victim has no control of what is happening around her/him. "Triangle" manipulation is very prevalent among in-laws and extended families where the offspring is told to 'tell' another person this or that to get someone else in the family to behave in a certain way. It's important to understand why it goes unnoticed by the victims.

I found this to be an immensely helpful book. The author has taken a very practical approach to helping people caught up in distressing relationships and challenges many of the foundations of modern therapy. Of the numerous books I have read in my search for the 'answer', this is the only one that has truly provided me with the key. The essence of his work is quite simply that there are many people who express their hostility through devious and covert means. The impact that this has on the unfortunate recipients is often painful and frequently debilitating. If you have ever wondered why your relationships are so troubled and why whatever you do seems to make things worse, then read this book: you won't be disappointed.

If you've been in a relationship with someone manipulative you find yourself constantly doubting yourself. This book shows you how manipulative people can undermine your judgement and self-worth without you even realizing it. You may "know" something is wrong, but be unable to put your finger on it and this books puts all your fingers on it! I highly recommend.