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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
78 of 90 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
How about a balanced review?,
By lighten_up_already2 "lighten_up_already2" (Kirkland, WA USA) - See all my reviews (VINE VOICE) (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)
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This review is from: Shepherding a Child's Heart (Paperback)
I read this book because it seems to have such a polarizing effect on those who read it. Wow. Either this is a one-stop parenting book, or it's a license to abuse children written by a nut! There's no in-between, is there!
Well, yes there is. I'll give this book a solid three stars, and here's why, from a free thinking Christian perspective (I'd like to think). First of all, contrary to some of the more hysterical one-star reviewers, experiencing a few moments of sting from the buttocks is not the worst thing that can happen to a child, and it's not child abuse or perverted. It's what's happened to untold millions of children throughout history who became adults who contributed to their civilizations. I believe the dominant form of child abuse occuring in our culture today is neglect. Leaving a child on his or her own to grow up as an undisciplined, untrustworthy narcissist is a far greater abuse to a child than the "spankings" it might have took at an early age to teach a child accountability. Tripp's "spanking doctrine" is described within a context of communication and consistency, and within that context makes sense. Children are often irrational, and often don't respond to complex psychological manipulation techniques or reasoned negotiation. Spanking to me is a last resort. I think I've spanked one of my two sons an average of once a year, and not out of venting rage but because at the time there was nothing else I could do to end a bad situation. Truth be told, I'd likely be a better person than I am today if I'd been raised according to all the principles described in this book. Hurts to write that, but there it is. However, the author's biblical mandate for spanking is just plain poor logic. On page 31, Tripp says, in so many words, that I'm supposed to spank my children because Proverbs 6:23 commands me to and it would be a sin to disobey that command. Well, there's Proverbs 10:13 that says "Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment." (NIV) Obviously, that's a command straight from God that I should do my best to make sure anyone who "lacks judgement" is punished with the "rod". So, here's me at a party: "I'm sorry, but what you just said shows a genuine lack of judgement, so even though it's awkward and embarrasing for both of us, and might land me ten years in prison for assault, I'm going to have to beat you with a rod because God tells me to. Or, at least do my best to arrange for you to be beaten by someone else, because this passage just says you need to be beaten with a rod somehow". So many Christians don't seem to understand that we are not bound by the Law of Moses, and I assume much less by the Proverbs, at least in terms of their being a collection of literal laws that count as sin if we don't obey them to the letter. Furthermore, special needs kids have a way of trashing any prepackaged methodology for child rearing. My oldest son is high-functioning austistic. Spanking is simply not an option for him because he has a very high pain tolerance, doesn't interpret spanking as discipline, has little sense of shame, and the one or two times I tried spanking him years in the past he just laughed and hit me back. Then what do you do, Dr. Tripp? Also, the useful information in this book could have been presented in about twenty pages. I scanned through it in a single evening and it seems I was reading the same stuff over and over again. Maybe some poeple need that to gain understanding, I just found it tedious. And finally, Dr. Tripp did convict me that too much of my discipline, and my wife's, is emphasizing behavior modification and not attempting to point the heart of our children toward God. I really don't believe that if a child changes his/her behavior without a change of hear that he/she falls under the same condemnation as the Pharisees (page 5). My kids aren't religious teacher! Sheesh! Still, Dr. Tripp is right to emphasize that the goal of parenting is the child's heart, not just confirming to behavioral standards. I want to raise a Wally Cleaver, not an Eddie Haskell.
80 of 94 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
A good read,
By
This review is from: Shepherding a Child's Heart (Paperback)
This book, I imagine, is (or will be) considered one of those modern classic parenting books. Ted Tripp draws on his vast experience as a pastor, counselor, school administrator, speaker and father to share with us his perspective on raising children. His underlying principle is that our role as a parent is to guide our children to understand themselves and the world in which they live. To do this effectively, we have to do more than just tell our children, we must lead them through open communication, self-disclosure, living out our values - shepherding their hearts. Tripp states, "The central focus of parenting is the gospel. You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts."
The book is laid out in two parts: Foundations for Biblical Childrearing (the philosophy) and Shepherding Through the Stages of Childhood (the implementation). He begins with exploring the idea that the heart determines behavior. He walks through the various influences our child development that affect what fills the heart. He then reminds parents of their place of authority. I think this is an important concept to internalize, because I increasingly see in our culture a desire to be friends with our children, rather than parents. We focus on making our children like us, and so we gloss over the difficult responsibilities like discipline. Tripp then moves into a section on goals, and what I loved about this part is how he shifts our focus from ourselves to God. For example, rather than wanting to raise well-behaved children - because it makes us look good or because it gives us control - we want to raise children who love God so much that they want to live in obedience to Him (not us!). These and other goals he discusses may seem good, but they are not Biblical. The last section of the first part discusses many different Biblical methods, ranging from communication to spanking. While I appreciate his discussion and agree with many of the points he makes, parents should be aware that he does express some fairly rigid beliefs. Personally, I think you should consider the personality of each of your children and apply the methods that are most effective. However, parents should not dismiss the rationale and Biblical mandates behind what he suggests just because they disagree with the method or the extent to which it is used. The second part is intended to be a more practical implementation of his philosophy. To me, this is the weakest part of the book. I walked away from the book still unclear how to implement most of the ideas he had discussed. Overall, the concepts in this book are great and well explained. It could stand to be a little shorter and more concise, and needs more concrete points of application. But it is definitely worth the time to read.
328 of 398 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Practical advice from a radically different philosophy,
By
This review is from: Shepherding a Child's Heart (Paperback)
The key thing that distinguishes Tripp's book from most parenting books is that he rightly understands that our goal in parenting is not to produce children who are obedient, nor is it to produce children who are happy. Rather, both of these are the beneficial result of raising our children in such a way that we are always addressing the issues of the heart (selfishness, rebelliousness, discontent, etc.) rather than just working on the externals.Tripp gives some very practical advice to this end: how to recognise the "teachable moments", how to spank, the problems with strategies that don't work (e.g. bargaining or bribery). He also makes it clear that discipline only works in an atmosphere of trust and communication. I was very pleasantly surprised to see someone agree with me that in a situation where you "know" your child has done something wrong, but you don't have the evidence to prove it, the right thing to do is to encourage honesty on their part, but if necessary to let them get by with it, rather than acting on a presupposition that might be wrong and injuring the trust between parent and child. He also writes a good bit about parenting goals and strategies for different age groups (from toddlerhood to teenage). The book does have its flaws, though. The most serious is that Tripp does not do a sufficient job of setting the context of what we are about in parenting. Doug Wilson's Standing on the Promises does that well, and should be viewed as a necessary companion to this book. As another reader pointed out, he also does not effectively discuss how to build attachment during the early years (although he hints at it - for instance, his insistence that the child be laid across the lap for spanking is grounded in a desire to not distance the child and he condemns parenting methods that attempt to manipulate the emotional fears of children to achieve a result). I was tempted to give the book a lower rating due to some philosophical problems with Tripp in his view of whether God promises to work through godly parenting to bring children to faith, his views of education and socialisation and so on. However, he does not work out a practice consistent with these flaws and touches on them only tangentially, so they can mostly be overlooked. He also has a tendency to be a bit absolutist about things that aren't absolutes. For instance, he sees spanking as the only effective means of punishment in discipline. He rightly understands that the purpose of spanking is to get the child's attention so that the real work of discipline (the teaching aspect) can proceed out of the infraction, but doesn't seem to understand that with some children there are more effective means of getting their attention. I'm a big fan of spanking, but have recognised in my own daughter that sometimes the removal of privileges is much more effective.
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