Customer Reviews

Shepherding a Child's Heart

5 star:		(180)
4 star:		(24)
3 star:		(16)
2 star:		(12)
1 star:		(123)

 

 

I read this book because it seems to have such a polarizing effect on those who read it. Wow. Either this is a one-stop parenting book, or it's a license to abuse children written by a nut! There's no in-between, is there!

Well, yes there is. I'll give this book a solid three stars, and here's why, from a free thinking Christian perspective (I'd like to think).

First of all, contrary to some of the more hysterical one-star reviewers, experiencing a few moments of sting from the buttocks is not the worst thing that can happen to a child, and it's not child abuse or perverted. It's what's happened to untold millions of children throughout history who became adults who contributed to their civilizations.

I believe the dominant form of child abuse occuring in our culture today is neglect. Leaving a child on his or her own to grow up as an undisciplined, untrustworthy narcissist is a far greater abuse to a child than the "spankings" it might have took at an early age to teach a child accountability.

Tripp's "spanking doctrine" is described within a context of communication and consistency, and within that context makes sense. Children are often irrational, and often don't respond to complex psychological manipulation techniques or reasoned negotiation. Spanking to me is a last resort. I think I've spanked one of my two sons an average of once a year, and not out of venting rage but because at the time there was nothing else I could do to end a bad situation.

Truth be told, I'd likely be a better person than I am today if I'd been raised according to all the principles described in this book. Hurts to write that, but there it is.

However, the author's biblical mandate for spanking is just plain poor logic. On page 31, Tripp says, in so many words, that I'm supposed to spank my children because Proverbs 6:23 commands me to and it would be a sin to disobey that command.

Well, there's Proverbs 10:13 that says "Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment." (NIV)

Obviously, that's a command straight from God that I should do my best to make sure anyone who "lacks judgement" is punished with the "rod". So, here's me at a party: "I'm sorry, but what you just said shows a genuine lack of judgement, so even though it's awkward and embarrasing for both of us, and might land me ten years in prison for assault, I'm going to have to beat you with a rod because God tells me to. Or, at least do my best to arrange for you to be beaten by someone else, because this passage just says you need to be beaten with a rod somehow".

So many Christians don't seem to understand that we are not bound by the Law of Moses, and I assume much less by the Proverbs, at least in terms of their being a collection of literal laws that count as sin if we don't obey them to the letter.

Furthermore, special needs kids have a way of trashing any prepackaged methodology for child rearing. My oldest son is high-functioning austistic. Spanking is simply not an option for him because he has a very high pain tolerance, doesn't interpret spanking as discipline, has little sense of shame, and the one or two times I tried spanking him years in the past he just laughed and hit me back. Then what do you do, Dr. Tripp?

Also, the useful information in this book could have been presented in about twenty pages. I scanned through it in a single evening and it seems I was reading the same stuff over and over again. Maybe some poeple need that to gain understanding, I just found it tedious.

And finally, Dr. Tripp did convict me that too much of my discipline, and my wife's, is emphasizing behavior modification and not attempting to point the heart of our children toward God. I really don't believe that if a child changes his/her behavior without a change of hear that he/she falls under the same condemnation as the Pharisees (page 5). My kids aren't religious teacher! Sheesh! Still, Dr. Tripp is right to emphasize that the goal of parenting is the child's heart, not just confirming to behavioral standards. I want to raise a Wally Cleaver, not an Eddie Haskell.

This book, I imagine, is (or will be) considered one of those modern classic parenting books. Ted Tripp draws on his vast experience as a pastor, counselor, school administrator, speaker and father to share with us his perspective on raising children. His underlying principle is that our role as a parent is to guide our children to understand themselves and the world in which they live. To do this effectively, we have to do more than just tell our children, we must lead them through open communication, self-disclosure, living out our values - shepherding their hearts. Tripp states, "The central focus of parenting is the gospel. You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts."

The book is laid out in two parts: Foundations for Biblical Childrearing (the philosophy) and Shepherding Through the Stages of Childhood (the implementation). He begins with exploring the idea that the heart determines behavior. He walks through the various influences our child development that affect what fills the heart. He then reminds parents of their place of authority. I think this is an important concept to internalize, because I increasingly see in our culture a desire to be friends with our children, rather than parents. We focus on making our children like us, and so we gloss over the difficult responsibilities like discipline.

Tripp then moves into a section on goals, and what I loved about this part is how he shifts our focus from ourselves to God. For example, rather than wanting to raise well-behaved children - because it makes us look good or because it gives us control - we want to raise children who love God so much that they want to live in obedience to Him (not us!). These and other goals he discusses may seem good, but they are not Biblical.

The last section of the first part discusses many different Biblical methods, ranging from communication to spanking. While I appreciate his discussion and agree with many of the points he makes, parents should be aware that he does express some fairly rigid beliefs. Personally, I think you should consider the personality of each of your children and apply the methods that are most effective. However, parents should not dismiss the rationale and Biblical mandates behind what he suggests just because they disagree with the method or the extent to which it is used.

The second part is intended to be a more practical implementation of his philosophy. To me, this is the weakest part of the book. I walked away from the book still unclear how to implement most of the ideas he had discussed.

Overall, the concepts in this book are great and well explained. It could stand to be a little shorter and more concise, and needs more concrete points of application. But it is definitely worth the time to read.

The key thing that distinguishes Tripp's book from most parenting books is that he rightly understands that our goal in parenting is not to produce children who are obedient, nor is it to produce children who are happy. Rather, both of these are the beneficial result of raising our children in such a way that we are always addressing the issues of the heart (selfishness, rebelliousness, discontent, etc.) rather than just working on the externals.

Tripp gives some very practical advice to this end: how to recognise the "teachable moments", how to spank, the problems with strategies that don't work (e.g. bargaining or bribery). He also makes it clear that discipline only works in an atmosphere of trust and communication. I was very pleasantly surprised to see someone agree with me that in a situation where you "know" your child has done something wrong, but you don't have the evidence to prove it, the right thing to do is to encourage honesty on their part, but if necessary to let them get by with it, rather than acting on a presupposition that might be wrong and injuring the trust between parent and child. He also writes a good bit about parenting goals and strategies for different age groups (from toddlerhood to teenage).

The book does have its flaws, though. The most serious is that Tripp does not do a sufficient job of setting the context of what we are about in parenting. Doug Wilson's Standing on the Promises does that well, and should be viewed as a necessary companion to this book. As another reader pointed out, he also does not effectively discuss how to build attachment during the early years (although he hints at it - for instance, his insistence that the child be laid across the lap for spanking is grounded in a desire to not distance the child and he condemns parenting methods that attempt to manipulate the emotional fears of children to achieve a result).

I was tempted to give the book a lower rating due to some philosophical problems with Tripp in his view of whether God promises to work through godly parenting to bring children to faith, his views of education and socialisation and so on. However, he does not work out a practice consistent with these flaws and touches on them only tangentially, so they can mostly be overlooked.

He also has a tendency to be a bit absolutist about things that aren't absolutes. For instance, he sees spanking as the only effective means of punishment in discipline. He rightly understands that the purpose of spanking is to get the child's attention so that the real work of discipline (the teaching aspect) can proceed out of the infraction, but doesn't seem to understand that with some children there are more effective means of getting their attention. I'm a big fan of spanking, but have recognised in my own daughter that sometimes the removal of privileges is much more effective.

I first read this book while a teacher at a Christian preparatory school. It was recommended by my supervisor, the Head of Lower School. It changed the way I dealt with my students and behavior issues that arose each day. I loved learning how to focus on the heart and using different styles and types of communication, depending on the situation and heart of the child. It is challenging to sometimes figure out the root of the behavior, and even more challenging as teacher of many students, to find sufficient time to talk and communicate with each child, but well-worth the pursuit. I obviously did not use spanking as a classroom teacher, but other modes of behavior correction. Now, 8 years later, I am a mother of 2 small children and reading the book for the 3rd time. We do use controlled, biblical spanking with our children. (How does one "back up" one's words without a spanking with small children? Especially if they refuse to go to time-out? Maybe I just have stubborn kids!) Anyway, even if you have chosen not to use spanking, you can still glean very valuable content from this book regarding communication and reaching the heart of your child, as I did as a classroom teacher. We are God's instruments to teach, raise, and train our children, and I don't believe that Tedd Tripp thinks that we actually ARE God (in response to another reviewer!) This book, while not perfect (is any book?), is very worthy of your time to read. I gained much out of it, and it is helping my husband and me in our journey to raise children with God-centered hearts.

I just read a very unfavorable review of Tedd Tripp's "Shepherding A Child's Heart," and I was shocked. This book brings the Biblical truths of child rearing together in a clear, concise, godly, and gentle manner. In no way does it invite the tyranny that the review I read implies. Do you have children? I entreat you to employ the principles outlined in this book just as they are meant to be: Gently, sober-mindedly, and lovingly. The fruit you bear will be a blessing, rather than the grief you experience watching your children waver in their relationship with God, unsure of when to obey or even how to respond to God-given authority in their lives and watching them bear the painful consequences of unsubmissive hearts and hearts not turned toward God. A spanking administered by a loving, sober-minded parent, teaching obedience without challenge, without excuse, and without delay is a life saving necessity as opposed to watching your children receive their "spankings" from an unloving, ungodly, uncaring, cruel world as a result of their lack of "submission" to God-given authority. (THAT is child abuse). Our culture has made spanking socially unacceptable, as it has so many other Biblical principles (i.e. wives submitting to their husbands, mothers actually staying home to raise their children...). That is the only reason that Mr. Tripp advises that spanking take place in the privacy of your own home. He's not claiming you should hide while you spank - that would indicate that what you are doing is wrong. Rather, he is sensitive to the unbiblical state of our society. Discipline truly makes children feel safe. It's as if they know that when they are being disobedient, they are in a dangerous place, and it is our duty as parents to rescue them and bring them back to the circle of safety of honor and obedience to God-given authority. If not, we are contributing to their destruction. I know, as I did not always practice this with my children, and now I am dealing with teen agers who unrighteously challenge and struggle with authority. It breaks my heart, not because it is an inconvenience to me, but because of the danger THEY are in. Once again, I wish I had read this book 17 years ago!

This book was recommended to me by a friend. I borrowed it from the library and read it. I found that the first half of the book offers some good insights on the goals of parenting and is thought-provoking. The chapter on communication is not bad. The second part of the book, which addresses practical applications, is the weakest part of the book. I found the author's practical approach to child rearing very much based on Old Testament ideas. For example, the author's recommendation of most important lesson for children from birth to age 4 is that they should learn obedience. Parents must force them to obedience by use of corporal punishment, to the extent of spanking eight months old babies.
The theological basis for this is the passage from Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." and the passages in Proverbs (Pr 13:24, Pr 22:15, Pr 23:13, Pr 23:14, Pr 29:15) that we are all very familiar with.

First, there is a problem with the interpretation of the Proverb verses. The book did not give a good explanation of the word "rod" and "child" in the Proverb passages. The word "rod" is "shebet" in Hebrew. Most of the time, this word symbolizes authority. There are only a few places that "shebet" is possibly referring to a literal rod in connection with hitting someone. The Hebrew word "na'ar", which was translated "child" in all of the "rod" Scriptures in Proverbs, refers to young men most of the time. I believe the rod passages in proverb were figurative. Proverb 23:13 says "Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die". But there is one instance in the Old Testament that associate the rod with a literal beating (Exodus 21:20 "And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished."), where it talks about a man beats his servant to death. If the proverb passages were talking about a literal rod associated with beating the children, then we would have the Bible contradicting itself. So figurative interpretation of those verses could mean that parents using the parental authority to discipline (teach, disciple, educate, instruct) and guide their children. Even if Proverbs 23:13 were referring to a literal beating, taken in context, it would have to be speaking about a grown child (na'ar). Since The verses before and after are written by a father speaking to his grown or almost grown son. You can find a good analysis of theses versus by doing a google search and checking the original Hebrew in Strong's concordance, also available online. I have to say the figurative interpretation seems to be more in line with how Jesus treated little children in New Testament. There is a good analysis on this by noted pediatrician William Sears. See reason #6 in the link below that explains why spanking is not mandated by the Bible. Here is a link: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp#T062101

Second, the logic used in the book to justify forced obedience is flawed. Ephesians 6:1 says "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." It is a command addressing the children directly. And this obedience is in the context of "in the Lord", not anything that the parents wish or demand of the children (always picking up the toys after play, always come to the parents immediately when called, etc.). Our words are not to be hold to the same standard as biblical mandates for the children. Also, Ephesians 6:1 doesn't say "Parents, make your children obey". Rather, Ephesians 6:4 says "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." We are all mandated to obey the Lord. But the Lord does not force obedience on us. He didn't act as a cosmic police, giving us punishment whenever there is the slightest disobedience. Rather he mainly draws us to obedience by His everlasting loving kindness and faithfulness, especially when we are new believers. God does discipline us, but the extent of His discipline is based on the level of spiritual maturity of each believer. It is not a one size fit all approach. And His discipline is firmly rooted in His love. On the other hand, we parents are just sinners saved by grace. We some times make demands based on our selfish interest. Is it always a fair trial for parents to play the role of plaintiff, judge, and police in a parent child conflict situation?

Third, the author's obedience standard seems too high even for many adult Christians to reach, not mentioning small children, many of whom are not even converted to believers yet. Here are some quotes from his book:
"Obedience means more than a child doing what he is told. It means doing what he is told---
Without Challenge
Without Excuse,
Without Delay"
Such a high standard of obedience, even Moses would have failed to reach the standard at the burning bush when God asked him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses was certainly finding all kinds of excuses. Moses should have been punished by God using the author's logic. Later when Moses was more spiritually mature, God did punish him for not obeying God's command (striking the rock instead of speaking to the rock as God commanded.) God took away his privilege to enter the promised land. Just an example of God's discipline based on the maturity level of the believer. Many of us are very familiar with greatest commandments (Love your God with all your heart....; Love your neighbor as yourself). How many of the adult Christians live in obedience of these commandments all the time? Has God punished us every time we do not live up to these commandments? There are many many other commands in the Bible that we fail to carry out on a daily basis. In fact, only Christ Himself could have lived out all the commands of God perfectly. I would have been beaten to death many times in a day if God used the same logic and method that the author used on his children. I am deeply aware that I fall short of the glory of God in many many ways. I need His Grace and guidance to help me to conform to His image. The biggest flaw of this book is that according to the author the children are under the law and the parents under the grace. What a double standard!

I am also deeply troubled by the attitude in this book that parents should be almost like God to their children and have complete control over their children, including their hearts. This is almost a sinnful atitude. Only God knows a person's heart. And only He can change a person's heart by the work of Holy Spirit. We (parents and children alike) are all sinners saved by grace. God granted us so much grace. Shouldn't parents do the same to their children? As Christians we are no longer bound by the law of Moses, much less Proverbs. But we are bound by the law of Christ. We are mandated by God to show the kind of patient and kind love that Christ himself has modeled.

I do not doubt that some people will see short term results by implementing his methods, but to the detriment of long term relationship. Children will be more compliant in short term out of fear of more punishment. Quote from his book: "You must challenge disobedience and persevere until the lessons of submission are learned." But what will be the long term results though? As a parent maybe you want to check this link out for a real life experience of a girl subjected to a similar kind of discipline method: http://www.geocities.com/cddugan/RoyLessinOpenLetter.html
The method, when applied consistently, is very much like a glorified negative behavior modification system that leaves long term scars for the children. It made me feel sick in the stomach when I read this true story.

It took me quite a while to get out of the theological confusion this book has brought to me. My daughter was almost 3.5 when I read this book. She was having some behavior problems. At that time the book seemed to me to be based on sound biblical teachings. So I tried out the discipline method as outlined in the book. It didn't work. It sent me crying to God asking for directions. After much prayer, consulting with spiritually mature christians who have raised great children, and contemplating how God tought me as one of His children, I discovered that the key to solve my daughter's behavior problem was more love and attention (at that time I was a full time working mother with two children). Her problems were rooted in lack of attention from me. I have seen a dramatic change in her behavior after this was rectified. A year later, when she was almost 4.5, she accepted the Lord into her heart. The Holy Spirit convicted her. Another dramatic change after her conversion. Both her father and her pre-school teacher noticed this change in her. Also, during the time of seeking the Lord's guidance, I have checked all the versus in the old testament that contain the Hebrew word "shebet" (rod) and the verses containing "na'ar" (child). I became convinced that the proverb passages were not a mandate from God for parents to spank their children. Rather they are talking about exercising parental authority.

In summary, the author seems to be someone who earnestly wants to help Christian parents raise up godly children according to God's word, There are some good points throughout the book. But the takeaway messages are very troubling. I have full respect for the author's good intention, but cannot disagree more on his practical applications set forth in this book.

I mostly agreed with almost everything in Tripp's book. The only thing I wasn't a fan of is that you should spank as punishment for EVERYTHING. I am not an anti-spanker by any means, yet at the same time I do not believe that spanking solves everything. So I guess you could say I disagree with Ted Tripp on how OFTEN to spank. Also, Ted Tripp doesn't consider that spankings don't always work, what about other methods of discipline.

I agree that love should always be emphasized at I think Tripp puts a good part into loving your child. Aside from minor disagreements on him with his method of spanking, I'd reccommend the book. I would surely reccommend it over "To Train Up a Child" which is a very disturbing book.

I had no idea how many things I was doing wrong!!! And everyone thinks I am a good parent. By the worlds standard, I suppose I am. By Gods standard I was falling way short! Ted Tripp has shown me how to be kind and loving to my children. To explain to them why we do what we do, not just because I want it, but, because God calls up to do it! What a concept! IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN PARENT, THIS IS A MUST READ! I am enjoying parenting so much more, now that I am in line with Gods will!

I have read this book several times and have listened to the audio CD of the conference that Pastor Tripp does, and I did not get the same impression as reviewer Jo Ragan AT ALL. I am wondering if Jo Ragan actually read the book or just skimmed through it and shut it as soon as a reference to spanking was found. Pastor Tripp is extremely gracious and loving and this attitude is evident all throughout the entire book. It is especially evident in the CD series. I would encourage other 'comment readers' to read the book for themselves and not base their decision on what was said in this one. We are Biblical parenting instructors, and we refer this book, as well as Paul David Tripp's book, Age of Opportunity, quite often. In our opinion, with the exception of God's Word, these books are two of the very best parenting books out there. Yes, they condone spanking for outright rebellion (so does God' Word), but they also stress the importance of discerning between actual rebellion and childishness, the importance of overwhelming your children with praise and encouragement, and the importance of dealing with the sin issues (anger, etc..) in the parents heart. Both of the Tripp brothers discuss the importance offering grace to your children, at times, and they overwhelmingly stress the fact that discipline is to point our children to their need for Jesus Christ, not something we do because we are angry. I HIGHLY recommend this to all parents.

I have read book after book on raising children since I had my first child over 7 years ago. This is the first book that not only taught me bibilical truths about rearing my children, but also challenged my heart. I grew up in a Christian home and my parents were very concerned with my external behavior. They assumed that if I was doing the things right on the outside, then my heart must be right. In reality, I was a white-washed tomb, full of sneaky, rebellious behavior that I am still grappling with today.

I especially like that in this book, Tedd Tripp constantly points to scripture. None of his methods are man-driven, but scripturally sound. He also presses authority. That can be a dirty word some places, but I see the lack of respect for authority everywhere. I taught public school for some time and it was particularly noticeable there. He also points out how using this approach can make our children see their need for Christ and His blessed forgiveness. One of the biggest impressions this book made on me, was that though we expect obedience and respect from our kids, we also give them respect as well. There is NO yelling, there is no spanking out of "unholy anger."

He is an advocate of spanking, not beating or hitting. Spanking is well defined in the book and there is a HUGE difference between spanking and child abuse. A swat on the bottom is hardly abuse