Customer Reviews

She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This book is about Helen Boyd's experiences and feelings as she watches her husband heading along the trans path. It is an open, honest self-searching wherein she lays herself bare. Throughout I could feel her anger; anger at society's ignorance concerning trans issues, anger at Betty for stealing away her beautiful husband, and anger at herself for her anger. I could feel her frustration at the lack of understanding, so apparent, on the part of society at large concerning gender and the issues it presents.

This book is also about love; Helen and Betty's deep love for each other, a love which has held them together at a time when most others would have long ago separated.

The book consists of a preface and a section of notes on language, pronouns and taxonomy, followed by seven chapters and a final note from Betty. Throughout, the author often amplifies a word or phrase by reference to notes on each chapter which are contained at the back of the book. Although the trans reader probably doesn't need to refer to these notes, no doubt other readers will.

When I read a non-fiction book I generally flag what appear to me to be quotable quotes. I usually end up with five or so. When I had finished reading this book I counted twenty-two! If you have read other reviews I have written, you know that I usually include one or two of what I consider to be the most meaningful of them. I am not going to do that here.

One thing for sure, Helen Boyd has a very firm grasp of trans issues. For example in Chapter One, Girl Meets Boy, she says, "But the one thing you learn when you hang out with someone who might be transsexual is that almost nothing is more important than gender; not relationships, not children, not employment, not career goals or financial stability. When something isn't right with someone's gender, nothing could be more wrong or more important."

Later on in the chapter I found it so easy to agree with her statement, "It's a cold, cold day when death seems easier than what you're facing. A cold, lonely, miserable, heart-wrenching day." Having "been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt", it was a flash-back I didn't really want to experience, one with which almost every trans person will readily identify.

One of the criticisms I have read of this book is that it is repetitive. That reminds me of a week-long seminar I once attended wherein the requisite pre-reading was Alvin Toffler's Future Shock. Most of the attendees complained that each chapter seemed the same, that the book was too repetitive. My reaction to that was, "You didn't read the book!" It's the same with Helen's book. If you find yourself thinking that what you are reading is a repeat of something you have read before, you are not reading it! My suggestion would be to re-read, and re-read that passage until you `get' its true meaning. Repetitive? Hell no!

I found it difficult to put this book down. I found it so soulfully appealing, so full of "Yah's!" and "Aha's!" that, like her previous book, My Husband Betty, I will be recommending it to all who come my way for advice or assistance. The last chapter, Love Is A Many-gendered Thing, really brought me up short. Helen's description of the life faced by newly transitioned women not only set me on a path of careful reassessment as to my objectives, it sent chills down my spine. It opened my eyes to things I hadn't given much consideration to before.

She's Not The Man I Married has been a godsend for me. A graphic description of the effect that trans issues can have on a love-filled marriage, this book is filled with sound advice, delivered with impact and insight.

I get it. Gender is variable. Next!

I really wanted to like this book. I have gender issues and I am not sure where they will end up, and I also have a wife who has her own anxieties about this. Reading the reviews of this book it would be a really good book to educate her (and me) about the trans issue and the ways in which partners are commonly affected by it. Now I don't want her anywhere near it. The book IS educational, and can be quite witty, but is also quite overwhelming, perhaps because so many issues are brought up all at once. The seven chapters promise different facets of this issue (social, biology, our experience, etc), but I struggle to recall how one was different from another. Many issues are covered throughout the book . . . but they are covered as an intertwined theme throughout the entire book instead of one at a time. If the themes were teased apart and presented in separate chapters, it would be far easier to take them onboard instead of constantly wondering what this repetition of "gender is a continuum" is supposed to be telling me that is different to the previous one? and the one before that? If the book fell apart into 3-4 page leaflets, we could get the entire message from any one leaflet

I also take issue, perhaps unfairly, with the usefulness of the text for others. I wanted myself and my partner to read this to gain insight into how being trans and/or TS may affect us and our marriage. I would hazard a guess that we are typical of the target audience, and the major reason for the book. However Helen and Betty's situation is far from typical. They both have hormonal issues that have made it somewhat easier to at least begin this part of their journey, and accept what it says about their own sexualities/genders. Betty is androgynous and never looked like a guy in a dress, doesn't need to hormones or surgery to pass. Helen is already open to gender variation. That's all fine - it's their life history and her story. But what of others (I hesitate to say "more typical") trans couples? What might we expect? There are offhand remarks here and there, usually distressing (all those separated trans women!), but no specific section (a chapter? There's a thought) on this area that deals with it comprehensively. A major absence since I would bet it is at the forefront of every readers mind.

Read with her previous book, My Husband Betty-- which is a wonderful work-- She's Not the Man I Married continues to follow the complex growth and partnership of a woman who has become one of the most important voices in transgender activism today. In both books, Helen Boyd discusses the complex cultural "baggage" that is imposed on crossdressers and on transgender people and communities generally, and traces what it has meant for her to become an active part of transgender communities. This is a book that challenges transphobia in important ways, without shying away from difficult questions and her own powerful emotions and conflicts.

Just as important, both her books treat Betty, her partner and her subject, with love, kindness... and as an equal deserving of our respect.

This is a book that goes well alonside with Transgender Rights.
Transgender Rights

Helen Boyd's willingness to peel back the lid and let us in on both the struggles and love in her relationship with Betty will resonate deeply for anyone on the gender and sexual spectrum who has felt frustration with the assumed gender roles in their own romantic relationships.

Particularly for partners of trans people, Helen's articulation of her experience is a resounding validation of what many partners think and feel in complete isolation. She offers no easy answers, but her ability and willingness to lay herself and her relationship bare is a gift she has given both to the trans community, and to anyone on the gender spectrum attempting a life-long partnership.

A life and a marriage in mid-transition is a difficult thing to capture, but Helen holds the flickering image in her palm gently and opens it to share with us. Anyone will be honored and awed by this intimate view of a relationship, captured by a talented and articulate voice.

It is an excellent book for the partners of people in transition. So much focus is on the transitioning partner, this book addresses concerns of the non transitioning partner.

While many books on the subject deal with the individual struggles the transgendered individual encounters on their voyage, this book gives a very thoughtful and emotional depiction of sharing a life with a transgender partner and has questioned gender roles and identity in a variety of ways all her life. For trans-identifying individuals, it provides an excellent insight into some of the struggle any partner they may have is certainly experiencing, and the sacrifices they make out of love if they support the trans partner. It concludes in a way that is to be expected for a book on a work in progress, and in a very touching way.

There still aren't many books specifically for the experiences of trans people's spouses, or books focused on the meaning of transgender in relationships, so it's an obvious choice for those purposes.

But, even if you just want to read about transgenderism itself, this stands out from among the countless books on the subject, because it's a look at transgenderism that is intense, emotionally involved, deeply sympathetic - and yet *not an inside viewpoint*. Thus, it can make a connection between the world where gender change means everything and the world in which it makes no sense. It's so much unlike the books that come from a single point of view, books written from fortified, carefully self-justified towers of one committed standpoint or another. In her passionate ambivalence, Helen really can see things several different ways at once, and her tumult is the reader's gain.

This book, Helen Boyd's second and a sort-of sequel to "My Husband Betty," is the beautifully written story of Helen's journey alongside her transgendered husband. Unlike her first book, which is already a queer and gender studies standard, She's Not the Man I Married is a simultaneously fierce and tender love story at the same time as it confronts the significance of gender in a postmodern world.
I would recommend it not only people interested in gender, but to feminists, and to anyone looking for an uncommon and uncommonly moving love story.
Colleges and graduate programs will undoubtedly find this a valuable addition to their booklists.

Being a member of the transgender community, there was so much that I could relate with in this book and Helen Boyd's first book. Reading these books gave me a much more open mind of what it's like when involved in a relationship and suddenly your wife or girlfriend finds out about a dark secret. I just wish that there were more supportive people in this world. At least my girlfriend is comfortable with me being a transgender. I've been diagnosed as being a dual transgender, which means that I most of teh time I'm a woman, but I do have to return back to my male persona for some things like work.

She's Not the Man I Married is a smart, in-depth look at being a woman whose husband is transgendered. Boyd is candid and brave as she talks about the strain of loyalty and desire, the confusion, questions of sexuality and identity and, most of all, the emotional reality of being married to someone who needs to make the biggest change that a person can possibly make.

A sequel to the more detached in tone novel, My Husband Betty, Boyd wrote She's Not the Man I Married specifically to talk more openly about her feelings. Boyd is articulate and has clearly thought about this topic a great deal, in addition to her research. Her writing is fluid and moving. It has its academic moments, but is always accessible. I can imagine other writers who deal with this subject turning it into something sensational and lurid, but Boyd never writes to the lowest common denominator.

She's Not the Man I Married is a book about gender, but it's also a memoir. Boyd succeeds in her project; the perspective is intimate, and the facts are interesting for those who can personally relate as transgendered people or those married to transgendered people, as well as outsiders. It's special to get to peek into the private space of any marriage, particularly a marriage that faces such unique challenges. She's Not the Man I Married sustains this glimpse for 300 pages, and it is a fascinating read.