Shit My Dad Says [Paperback]

Justin Halpern (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 4, 2010

'At 28 years old, I found myself living at home, with my 73-year-old father. As a child, my father never minced words, and when I screwed up, he had a way of cutting right through the bullshit and pointing out exactly why I was being an idiot. When I moved back in I was still, for the most part, an idiot. But this time, I was smart enough to write down all the things he said to me'. Meet Justin Halpern and his dad. Almost one million people follow Mr Halpern's philosophical musings every day on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his sayings. What emerges is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father and son relationship from a major new comic voice. As Justin says at one point, his dad is 'like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair'; and this is the sort of shit he says...'You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimme the remote, we're not watching this bullshit'. 'Happy Birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then, too - unless it's shitty'. 'Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down'. 'The worst thing you can be is a liar...Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2'. 'Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi'.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Photographs from Sh*t My Dad Says
(Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge)

I have no idea why I'm sopping wet in this photo, but I'm going to guess it's because I rolled in something filthy or spilled something on myself. Hosing me down was my dad’s favorite method for cleaning me off.	Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he adores and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. "It's my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose," he’s said.	My dad used to carry me on his shoulders quite a bit when I was a child--until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor’s house and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shirt, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I'd come in contact with the Ebola Virus.

My dad is an avid reader, and all throughout my childhood he’d come home after working for 12 hours and we’d sit on the couch and read together.	My family’s trip to the Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we took. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his hair, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn’t long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and decided he didn’t care what anyone else thought.

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--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It’s refreshing at a time when we’re all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense.” (Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine )

“This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society.” (Chelsea Handler )

“Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny.” (Maxim )

“A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it.” (Los Angeles Times )

“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” (Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like )

“Read this unless you’re allergic to laughing.” (Kristen Bell )

“Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching—and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.” (Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club )

“Justin Halpern’s dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He’s brilliant, and his son’s book is absolutely hilarious.” (A.J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All ) --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback
• Publisher: Boxtree Ltd (June 4, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0752227483
• ISBN-13: 978-0752227481
• Product Dimensions: 7.3 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,133 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,197,760 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

In the summer of 2009, Justin Halpern created a Twitter account as a way to archive his father's no-holds-barred, expletive-ridden words of wisdom. Within a month, @shitmydadsays became an Internet sensation. More than 2.5 million people currently follow Sam Halpern's musings on Twitter and Facebook alone.

Justin's first book, Sh*t My Dad Says (HarperCollins / ItBooks), a collection of essays about growing up with his unapologetically honest father, is a #1 New York Times bestseller.

Justin is also the creator of $#*! My Dad Says (WarnerBros/CBS), a sitcom starring William Shatner, Nicole Sullivan, Will Sasso, and Jonathan Sadowski. He serves as the show's co-executive producer along with his writing partner Patrick Schumacker.

Justin currently splits his time between Los Angeles and his parents' home in San Diego.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

763 of 796 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A father and son's love knows no boundaries. Four letter words yes, boundaries no. May 5, 2010

By Timothy B. Riley HALL OF FAMETOP 50 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Reading Justin Halpern's book brought back memories of my own father's words of wisdom. Although my father (a southern gentleman by birth) was somewhat more prudent in his use of curse words and references to sex, he never hesitated in telling his children (or anyone else for that matter) exactly what was on his mind. I remember when I introduced him to my first really serious girlfriend, a young woman who was more than a foot shorter than myself. He took me aside and said, "What's the matter, didn't they have one in your size?" However, when we later announced our engagement he was the first to congratulate us and brought out the bottle of Cold Duck that he was saving for such an occasion.

When the author was 28 years old he was suddenly dumped by his girlfriend and needed a place to live when he made the decision to move back in with his mother and his then retired father. Working from his new "home" as a writer for Maxim Magazine gave him the time (an awful lot of time according to the author) to see his father through new, adult eyes. The terror that he had felt in his youth due to his father's "bluntness" began to be replaced by admiration for the only person that he had ever known who really spoke his mind without self-censorship. It was only then that he began to see the wisdom in his father's tersely worded observations and began posting them on his Twitter page with the same title as this book.

Because Mr. Halpern Sr. has the gift of being able to "swear with great expertise" I can't quote many of them on Amazon, but here are a few of my favorite PG rated quips:

ON THE DEATH OF OUR FIRST DOG
He was a good dog. Your brother is pretty broken up about it, so go easy on him. He had a nice last moment with Brownie before the vet tossed him in the garbage.

ON MY BLOODY NOSE
What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!... The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.

ON THE MEDICINAL EFFECT OF BACON
You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

ON SHOPPING FOR PRESENTS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

ON BEING ONE WITH THE WILDERNESS
I'm not sure you can call that roughing it son... Well, for one, there was a (EXPLETIVE) minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.

ON SILENCE
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

If you grew up with a Ward Cleaver type of father (or wish that you did) you may find Mr. Halpern's way of expressing himself to be crude, unfeeling, or even uncaring. Far from it. The author augments the pithy quotes (some recent, other's from his childhood) with brief essays that gives the reader a little more of the back story of this unique father-and-son relationship. Is it ideal? I have learned that, for me at least, the best way to judge someone's parenting is by the adult it produces. Justin Halpern's book reads to me as a love letter to a father that always tells it like it is and who made you who you are.

My father passed away at age 87 in 2008. At his wake (we are Irish after all so alcohol was involved) his former co-workers, friends and family paid tribute to him by telling our own little stories and quotes from a man who could be described as both taciturn and brutally honest. The recollections from my three brothers, my sons and myself included stories and things that my dad said that to the outside observer might have also seemed acerbic or even caustic, but to us it was the way that he showed us that he cared

This book is not for those addicted to a PC idea of what a father should be or for those who are easily offended by real life conversation. But if you, like me, value frank and seemingly brutal honesty (especially from someone who brought you into this world) this book will delight you as much as it has me. I only wish that I could give this to my dad for Father's Day. He would have laughed his (BLEEP) off!

204 of 212 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Political Correctness Quotient = Zero May 5, 2010

By Cynthia

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

To echo what others have said this book is hilarious. It's also sweet and touching. Justin's dad is a gruff Vietnam vet, retired research doctor who is honest to a fault. He's someone who knows himself and has the courage and a burning need to speak his mind. He also loves his family to distraction. Justin's dad is Jewish and his mom a quiet, loving Catholic and though their child rearing approaches seem as different as their religions they make a good parenting team.

Here are a few quotes which are NOT the funniest in the book but one's that are relatively lacking in four letter words:

On Getting an Internship at Quentin Tarantino's Production Company:

"That is one ugly son of a `gun'.....Oh, yeah, no congratulations. If you see him, try not to stare at his face if you've eaten anything."

After Justin moves out"

"You just barge in and take whatever you want, whenever you want it. It's like you're the ********* SS I'm living in ******* Nazi Germany...."

At the End of the Day, at Least You a Have a Family:

"So, there you go. Your mother thinks you're handsome. This should be an exciting day for you."

On a hypothesized life of crime:

"You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a ******* killing spree or something."

"I would still love you Justy. I would just want to know why you did it," my mom said earnestly.

All these quotes can seem a bit over the top when you read them out of context but they never come across as glib or hate filled.....just honest. Justin was the youngest of three sons and the last chapter of the book is the story of one of Justin's love affairs gone awry and his dad comforting by telling the story of his first wife's life and death. The best thing about this book, besides the humor of course, is the emotional honestly.

133 of 146 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A great worthwhile read May 13, 2010

By ng

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I opened this book last night, and didn't put it down until I read it through. A quick, easy read, this book is gut bustingly funny...and it's not just a bunch of hilarious quotes, it's also a good, heartfelt story with family values and moral components intertwined. The language is very raw, so if you are offended by any or all of the entire curse word dictionary, this book may not be for you.

I found it refreshing that there is someone out there who is all about being completely honest and transparent, and doesn't beat around the bush, especially in society's current state, where everything offends someone somewhere.

Must read.