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Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage Paperback – September 1, 1999


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Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage + Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship + How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Contemporary Books; 1 edition (September 1, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0809225131
  • ISBN-13: 978-0809225132
  • Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (48 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #93,163 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Lee Raffel, M.S.W., is founder and clinical director of Awareness Counseling Services, Inc. She has counseled couples for more than 25 years using the CS method.


More About the Author

Lee Raffel is a practicing psychotherapist for over 35 years. She is a published poet and author of I Hate Conflict (McGraw-Hill, 2008) and Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage (McGraw-Hill, 1999). Lee is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, Board Certified Diplomate in Psychotherapy and Behavioral Medicine, and relationship coach, mediator and educator.

A recognized expert on marriage and interpersonal relationships, Lee has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning New York, hosted a radio show, and appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS nationwide addressing Controlled Separation. She also has been featured in Psychotherapy Networker, O - The Oprah Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, Ladies' Home Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Los Angeles Times, Chicago Sun-Times, and radio and newsprint nationwide. Lee has also presented a radio show titled Should I Stay or Go? Straight Talk About Troubled Relationships.

Lee, proprietor of Awareness Counseling Services, Inc., maintains a private practice and as founder of Fresh Perspectives Training Institute(R), presents numerous programs on the complexity and possibilities inherent in conflicted relationships. She also is available to offer workshops on Controlled Separation, and troubled family relationships. Her provocative insights and timely strategies have been utilized nationally and internationally for people at risk of destroying their meaningful connections.

Lee says that much of what she has learned about healthy relationships has come from sharing 24 years with her husband, Mark, who initiated much laughter and made every day a fruitful experience even when there was sorrow. Mark died suddenly on December 12, 2000. Since then, Lee continues to reinvent herself over and over again.Lee Raffel is a practicing psychotherapist for over 35 years. She is a published poet and author of I Hate Conflict (McGraw-Hill, 2008) and Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage (McGraw-Hill, 1999). Lee is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, Board Certified Diplomate in Psychotherapy and Behavioral Medicine, and relationship coach, mediator and educator.

A recognized expert on marriage and interpersonal relationships, Lee has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning New York, hosted a radio show, and appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS nationwide addressing Controlled Separation. She also has been featured in Psychotherapy Networker, O - The Oprah Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, Ladies' Home Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Los Angeles Times, Chicago Sun-Times, and radio and newsprint nationwide. Lee has also presented a radio show titled Should I Stay or Go? Straight Talk About Troubled Relationships.

Lee, proprietor of Awareness Counseling Services, Inc., maintains a private practice and as founder of Fresh Perspectives Training Institute(R), presents numerous programs on the complexity and possibilities inherent in conflicted relationships. She also is available to offer workshops on Controlled Separation, and troubled family relationships. Her provocative insights and timely strategies have been utilized nationally and internationally for people at risk of destroying their meaningful connections.

Lee says that much of what she has learned about healthy relationships has come from sharing 24 years with her husband, Mark, who initiated much laughter and made every day a fruitful experience even when there was sorrow. Mark died suddenly on December 12, 2000. Since then, Lee continues to reinvent herself over and over again.

Customer Reviews

It was easy to read and had a lot of useful information.
Pam
For people in these unfortunate marital situations, Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" is a much better choice.
Susan Thompson
I highly recommend this book to anyone in ambivalence about their relationship, whether married or dating.
D. Brolly

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

126 of 129 people found the following review helpful By BallerinaAstronaut on January 27, 2004
Format: Paperback
You know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. And, you have repeatedly PROVEN you cannot work it out under the same roof.
But you don't want a divorce. And you don't want things to stay the same.... Whoah: There is another option to those 2 extremes! CONTROLLED separation.
{Note: 2 Marriage therapists got rich off us & FAILED us because they lacked this vision. To them: PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. Can't hurt to add to your repetoire!}
This book helped me break that paralyzing fear of staying 10 more years VS. cutting all ties & being suddenly alone.
It gives you structure. You work out your own contract, with or without therapists. Once apart, you can conduct a productive exploration of your self & your relationship. And talk to each other as you decide, on a VERY limited schedule, to see how it is going. No fault finding, no blaming. (We each have therapists and support groups on the wagon for this venting.)
Read chapter "My Marriage is Making Me Sick" first. Then, read the "Differences between trial and controlled sep.". This was better for my husband's attention span. Then, he was hooked.
Then get a 6 month lease somewhere. If you have a verbally/emotionally distant, abusive or very insensitive mate,
this may mean PEACE for you the 1st time in years.
THE GOAL IS: Happy, healthy reunification. But -- If nothing else, this approach lets you KNOW you tried EVERYTHING you could before divorcing. And you learn how to avoid similarly BAD partner match-ups for the future.
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124 of 135 people found the following review helpful By G. Jordan on March 7, 2001
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I bought this book as if looking for permission to do what I thought I wanted to do. I ate it up, because it gives such clear directions--with thorough explanations of every term or idea with case studies & every-day real-life examples. It is so fair to both parties in a relationship that my husband--who had fought this trongly--was willing to accept it, discuss it (!!!), and even plan a date that was more financially feasible for this to work!
Meanwhile I have a therapist who against all ethical rules of her profession, keeps interjecting her opinion & retracting it (one week she TELLS me to leave the guy, the next week she's ok that I didn't, adding to my confusion!), making my stuckness even worse. I'm stuck still, after reading this book, because my husband took me seriously when he saw this book on the coffee table every night, obviously well read, ear marked, highlighted, etc. LOL
NOW he's listening, NOW he's paying attention & changing the harmful behaviors I could not live with. This book still sits there on the coffee table, the contract still sits on my computer hard drive where I saved "our" version & it is all ready to use at a moment's notice. This makes it easier to take one last look at the possibility of staying together.
The sample contract is in the front of the book--the rest of the book explains how the contract works. Each couple can customize the contract specifically for their own issues--but the reason the rating is a 4 instead of a flat out 5 is that it does NOT include sample contracts for different situations, nor examples of how to fill out the contract specifically.
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43 of 46 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on March 8, 1999
Format: Hardcover
It is no secret that the institution of modern day marriage is suffering. Yet on the day when a couple joins together, they deeply believe that their love will surmount any problems. Or one of the partners secretly thinks he or she will have the power to change whatever is annoying in the other. Or the whirlwind of courtship has disguised personality conflicts that only arise after years of living together.
The world is changing at such a rapid pace that the stree placed upon married life is profound. Not to mention the fact that people change as they live their lives. You may find that the person you married years ago is not the person to whom you are married today. So what do you do when you find yourself suffering in an unhappy married relationship? Are you trying to decide, as Lee Raffel's title suggests, do I stay or do I go?
Lee has been there. She suffered for years in a bad marriage. Then the experience of a good second marriage gave her the insights with which to help others. During years as a professional marriage counselor, she watched too many couples struggle unsuccessfully to get out of the mire. Her deep desire to help stop this pain motivated Lee to create a focused plan which enables couples to call a "time out," a time in which they can let the dust settle so they can experience each others' humanity again. In Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, this road map of Lee's encourages two adults, rather than two angry, hurting kids, to guide the relationship.
In this easy-to-read, very informative manual, couples in distress follow an explicit and compassionate guideline which allows them to separate, physically if need be, and emotionally in order to put sanity back into thier relationship.
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