Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved [Paperback]

Lundy Bancroft (Author), JAC Patrissi (Author)

Book Description

Release date: November 1, 2011

A guide to making the ultimate relationship decision from the author of Why Does He Do That?

In this supportive and straightforward guide, Lundy Bancroft, the author of Why Does He Do That?, and communication specialist JAC Patrissi offer a way for women to practically take stock of their relationships and move forward-with or without their partners.

Women involved in chronically frustrating or unfulfilling relationships will learn to:

• Tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is really not working
• Recognize the signs that their partner has a serious problem
• Stop waiting to see what happens-and make their own growth the top priority
• Prepare for life without their partner-even as they keep trying to make the relationship work

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last 15 years of his career specializing in abusive men. The author of articles in medical journals and professional books, he is the former co-director of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men. Now he trains various non- profit and state and judicial agencies in working with domestic abuse.
JAC Patrissi is the founder and former director of the Vermont Victim Assistance Academy. She facilitates the Growing a New Heart Retreat series for women healing from destructive relationships.

Product Details

• Paperback: 432 pages
• Publisher: Berkley Trade; 1 edition (November 1, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 042523889X
• ISBN-13: 978-0425238899
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.9 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #22,799 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last fifteen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men and is considered one of the world's experts on the subject. He is the author of The Batterer as Parent and several journal articles on abuse that have appeared in The New England Journal of Medicine and The Journal of Contemporary Psychology. The former co-director at Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, Bancroft now practices in Massachusetts while training various state and judicial agencies in dealing with domestic abuse situations.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

55 of 56 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A great guide to giving it your all before making your next move February 26, 2012

By Advocate

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Most women in destructive relationships know when the relationship is over. Choosing to leave is not the same thing as knowing it's over. The reasons that women stay with destructive partners after it's over generally fall into three categories. The first category is economics. Sometimes it's better to live with a destructive man than to be homeless and poor. The second category is magical thinking. This comes in multiple flavors. One form of magical thinking is the belief that God is going to swoop in and change this man's behaviors and attitudes through no work, no struggle, and no time lapse. He's just going to wake up one day and realize he truly has treated you poorly. All of his apologies will now have meaning and he'll start treating you better. Another form of magical thinking is the belief that one day a large truck is going to ram the back of his car and kill him and all your troubles will be over. Some other flavors somewhere in between those two exist. The third category is that somewhere inside, even if it is only .01%, the woman believes that there is some hope. She is going to stay in the relationship until the hope factor goes down to zero percent. She is going to make valiant efforts to make the relationship work because of that tiny piece of hope.

If you are a woman who knows your destructive relationship is over, but you feel unable to determine if you should leave or not, this book will help. Most likely, you don't need help realizing the relationship is destructive and you don't really need help knowing how to leave. (If you want to explore all the ways that your partner is destructive, then this book will help you sort out your partner's types of destructive behavior.) Most women know how to go to the internet or local crisis center and find resources for leaving. This book will help you in the area that is most important. Bancroft and Patrissi will help you know that you gave it your all to make the relationship work before deciding to leave. The book will help you realize that a destructive partner is only going to change (if at all) after long, hard, dedicated work. No magic is involved.

If you are in a destructive relationship and you want to exhaust all possible avenues of creating change within the relationship, then this book is for you. This book will lovingly guide you through the steps to address your partner's destructive behavior in a healthy and safe way.

If you have been in a destructive relationship and you want to focus on yourself and find a way to build a new life, this book is for you too. The first part of the book will validate for you just how difficult it was to live with a destructive partner and keep your sanity and self- esteem intact. The second part of the book will give you exercises to start letting go of the pain so that you can start building the life that you want and deserve. You will realize that you are not alone with the struggle of healing from the harm caused by a destructive partner.

35 of 36 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Compassionate life-saver in a toxic pond of mental abuse August 6, 2012

By Sweet Sue

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I am a strong minded, educated, self-supporting woman. I was blinded by what I thought was "a deep and abiding love" for my charming, magnetic, brilliant, handsome husband who, in the eyes of most of our friends and family, is a sexy, entertaining charmer. A great provider, husband and father. I found this compassionate, insightful book an emotional life saver in the toxic pond of mental abuse I know I MUST NOW emerge from.

After 27 years of searching for a solution to my marriage problems, I finally found the help I needed to make sense of my own behavior and to give up trying to get him to be different. The insights I gained are tremendous. The book helped me see that his suggestion that I "approach him properly" was a hook that led to the bottom of the pond. When defending myself strongly against his unreasonable jealousy, his unfair demands, domestic underfunctioning, distortions and lies did NOT make me guilty of abusing him, as he so vehemently claimed. How his running me in verbal circles and blaming me for running him in circles was just a tactic to exhaust me. I needed and appreciated much needed empathy for how and why I didnt just simply "jump out" and leave.

It helped me understand why I was able to tolerate a final year of angry explosions, open raging, infidelity and systematic social humiliation. It helped me understand and cope with my failure to get support from friends and family. It encouraged me to try with family and friends in a different way. When I finally had an emotional break, I took myself to a local office of HAWC, completely beside myself. Me? Asking for help and support from woman's help center? I make donations to that charity.

They lent me Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? That led me to this book. Because of the resonating humanity and clear understanding of what I have gone through, I am finally able to face the truth. It's not possible to "behave" in a way that would make my husband be nicer, more fair, more caring or more civil to me. Conventional strategies failed because he does not want our marriage to be different. He chooses to abuse me. I have to love myself the way I love him. I have to be a support to myself. I have to surround myself by people who agree I am worthy of love, care and compassion. I am using this book first to rebuild my outer and inner strength to have clear, strong boundaries with him to manage him out of my life. Step by step i will use the resources to disengage from this man who seems to possess an unending need to hook me for reasons that I may never fully understand and will eventually stop caring about completely.

Having found this book, I know I will be alright. I was once a proactive, energetic and vibrant woman. I will find myself again, likely much stronger and more powerful than before. As I end this review, it is my hope for our daughters and sons that Lundy Bancrofts books become a "must read" in the Health ciriculum in every middle school across the country.

24 of 26 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A godsend for women maneuvering abusive relationships November 7, 2011

By MsJoie

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

In my opinion, Lundy Bancroft is the most perceptive and useful author on verbally/emotionally abusive relationships to date. (And I've probably read about 20 books on this topic by now.) In Bancroft's earlier book, "Why Does He DO That?" he set the bar on establishing insight into abusive relationships. This book serves as an unofficial follow-up book, or a "how to" for women who are contemplating what they should do about their abusive relationship. Like his first book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" is equally insightful--but in a different way. His earlier book was insightful about why abusers are the way they are; this book is insightful in terms of guiding an abused person to see new sides to herself and to assess her relationship in a very structured fashion. This is more of a workbook. It enables the woman to determine what she needs in life and aids her in determining whether it makes sense to try to have her needs met through her current relationship. This book can't make any of the decisions for you, but it is a great asset to have for your journey. I espeically appreciated the supportive tone throughout this book -- the authors honestly seem to be personal advocates of the reader, and offer only constructive input to her. If you are currently in an abusive relationship and need to make some decisions about it, I highly recommend this book. And, if you haven't already read "Why Does He DO That?" I recommend reading that, too. (If time is not an issue, I'd read "Why Does He DO That? first, and then work through Should I Stay or Should I Go?)