Customer Reviews

Should You Leave?: A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy--and the Nature of Advice

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

This book provides a lot of information on relationships. How they start, how they work, and forces that tend to tear them apart. In fact, I would rate it as the one of the best books on relationships that I have ever read.

The author provides a survey of many different theories about relationships. This can help the reader form new perspectives about how to view their own situation.

This book really makes you work. If you want to learn and dig deeper, expecially about yourself, this is a great book. If you want simple fast advice, in the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" style, this is not for you.

It seems that the reviewers who did not like this book, must prefer a book that "fixes" their relationship with relatively simple and straight forward advice. I understand the desire to have things that easy, but my experience suggests otherwise.

Kramer's discussion is very intelligent and engaging. Sometimes the style was a bit frustrating, but it was different and probably made the book much more interesting.

A must read for anyone who wants to gain a very broad perspective on relationships in a reasonably short amount of time.

With Beck's Love is Never Enough, it is by far the best book I have read on couples. With so many self-help books centered on finding fault in the other, this one brings a rarer and more usefully challenging perspective. I found it worth reading every year.

Some of the most striking points made by Kramer in this book:
- a promising relationship is one in which, when you change enough, a reciprocal response occurs.
- you need to grow in willingness to be slightly taken advantage of
- you want change ? then stay this time !
- if you want change, change yourself first
- to be committed is to be able to find the bills a mess (or anything else that drives you crazy) and be perfectly fine.
- if you chose somebody with about the same level of differenciation/maturity as you, then you are at the right place
- if you are with somebody easy enough to love and not frankly abusive, you should stay
- learn not to tolerate, but to actually love what you now disdain in your partner (stop being vicious about the unclosed soda cap bottle and learn to find it charming)
- you say your couple or partner do not feel right. Don't you have a problem with your work instead ?
- hidden depression in one or the other partner is the cause of half of the couple problems and breakups. A partner suddently finding all sorts of flaws in the other is a strong hint of depression.
- insist ! Not on leaving, but on staying and having it your way.
- beware of negative projective identification: you unconsciously force the other to behave in ways you fear.
- maturity consists in a large part in resisting to (and resisting the use of) projective identification
- use the current relationship as a greenhouse to develop your relationship skills.
- ethics do matter.
- men are from Illinois and women are from Indiana. They are different, but not in especially confusing ways.
- relationships are exactly like skiing: it does not work as long as you are in the back seat.

"Should You Leave" is Peter Kramer's contribution to the "Self-Help
and Relationships" genre. There is cleverness working on several
levels as he goes from one anecdotal narrative to the next as so many
other books written by psychologists have done. But Kramer's goal is
not to give advice, it's to make the reader stop and think about what
advice is in the first place. He also builds on the themes he first
developed in "Listening To Prozac" and goes into the problem of how
undiagnosed depression can poison relationships and bring people to
the edge of divorce. The only real criticism you can level at this
book is that it was written because of the success of "Listening To
Prozac" and doesn't really have a strong reason to exist, other than
to provide Kramer with the opportunity to meander though several
themes for no other reason then that they are of interest to him as a
therapist. In the end he pulls off the rather clever trick of writing
a "Psychological Advice Book" that's a treatise on the nature of
psychology and of advice, but no real advice is provided, just a lot of
shrewd observations and food for thought. Do you think that's just a
little too clever? If so then you can skip this book, but if you're
still interested, good for you because you're in for a treat. This
book has better and more insightful psychological writing then you're
likely to find in any other dozen books on the subject. I have no
trouble recommending it.

An absolute gem of a book I almost missed because I couldn't bear the thought of yet another sappy self-help book. Described as part fiction, part non-fiction, part self-help, Kramer puts together scenarios that seem all too familiar, and then cleverly analyzes them in the second person, writing to "you" instead of an impersonal someone else, so that you are forced to engage with the different situations and personalities where they fit and discard the rest. That's how he gives advice, without directly giving advice, and the experience overall is very rewarding. (And he is clear that his tendency is to stay, not to leave -- although he is also clear about when and why to leave as well.) On top of it all, it is very engagingly written -- Kramer is a writer first, and a psychiatrist second, and it is fascinating to read in such a clear context about the many historical and philosophical references that he has devoted a lifetime to reading (and I probably never will). For those on the fence in an important relationship and wanting a useful tool to help understand how you got there and how to move forward, without spending weeks in intensive therapy, this book is the best help money can buy -- and the lessons you will keep for a lifetime. For all that, I still can't write a review that gives this book its due.

His writing is enjoyable to read and the content is very thought provoking. He values the committed relationship and never over-simplifies the many facets at work when a relationship is at a crossroads. There is helpful information about the role of depression when relationships lose their energy. I recommend this book to all people in a relationship whether the relationship is in trouble or not. I don't know if it's just my vantage point, but had I read this book before my relationship ended, we might have had a better chance of salvaging it.

One chapter of this book could have been written about my husband, whose mild but chronic depression had led him to feel unhappy with our marriage and to become entangled with a younger, wilder woman (referred to as "Carmencita" in the book). He had moved out of our home when I found this chapter and finally persuaded him to read it. Miraculously, he recognized himself in the story, began to understand what had happened, gained the courage to begin prozac and psychotherapy, and found hope that our marriage might be salvageable (the chapter helped give me hope as well). Just as the chapter predicted, he discovered joy in his life and in our marriage, and has re-gained the character that his depression had smothered. Thank you, Dr. Kramer. Your insight was uncanny and invaluable.

Kramer's book title can be misleading at times. He gives an overview of very different relationship problems without the additional complication of children involved. He focuses on solutions within the partnership on the grounds that unsolved problems get carried over into the new relationship, and if it should not work out, essential relationship skills will have been acquired. He illustrates his cases with plenty of psychological history from Freud to Bowen including film, music and historical novels. While at times a bit tough to read, Kramer does break up the theories with practical applications. He provides explicit insight into the thought pattern of the psychiatrist and the professional- to- patient relationship. Kramer provides a very balanced approach of using drugs in therapy compared to cognitive approaches (he is the author of Listening to Prozac) which is quite refreshing. Don't expect a pre-digested self-help book with step- by- step instructions but an overall food for thought pattern that will keep your thoughts flowing until you can figure out the most helpful approach for yourself together with a psychiatrist like Kramer who knows that you need advice and guidance more than a yearlong travel back into your childhood. This is the absolute best book I have ever read about analysis, the reasons of heading into it, the dynamics of professional vs. patient relationship and the bigger picture of "where are we going in this relationship". A definite must for everyone in therapy, client or professional.

I was a bit skeptical about this book as it was written by a psychiatrist, not a profession I normally hold in highest regard. However, I was greatly impressed by the depth of thought and the insights offered by the author. I've read it twice so far and have referred back ot it several times since. I'll probably re-read it again. I've also given several copies to friends (and lovers) who I thought could profit from it. Its not your typical "Cosmo" advice or how-to book. Instead it offers the richness of psychoanalytic thought on the subject of relationships in a format that can be exploited by a careful, intelligent reader. Warning - its not an easy read. The concepts are subtle and the prose not always perfectly tight. It does get its points across that things are not always as they seem, that emotions often master reason, and that values and practicality matter. This is the richest, most valuable book on loving relations I've read.

This is a very excellent book because it demonstrates that no therapist or self-help book can tell you what to do because no such book can understand your history or the context of your current problems. Kramer underlines the point that there is really no standard of "emotional health" or anything like it that can really determine whether a relationship is worth continuing or not, and that is a message the reading public needs to hear. A sensitive, subtle, interesting book.

There are far too many "Cosmo" type books thatpromise to give the reader the definitive answer which I believe holdsout a false hope of curing the problem if only one answers a quiz correctly or follows the author's prescriptive advice on the best way to cure the problem. Dr. Kramer has both the humility to recognize he holds no particular magic answer that applies to all people's situations and demonstrates a belief in the reader's intelligence to make their own choices based on the material he presents in the book. I appreciated the book greatly for its presentation of all the complexities involved with such a decision and for its assumption that I had the ability to use the material in the way best suited to my situation.