Chapter One
ARE YOU A SHY GUY?
This book is designed to help Shy Guys take a one-way trip out of Shy Town and into Confidenceville, USA—population: You! Take the following quiz to determine if you are a Shy Guy, and if this is the right book for you. You may pick more than one response to each question. Give yourself one point for each answer you pick. Then add up the total number of points when you are finished.
1. The thought of meeting a new girl makes you:
a. enthusiastic for a new opportunity
b. as tense as Al Gore
c. paralyzed with fear
d. tongue-tied
2. Which of the following Warner Brothers characters best describes your social skills?
a. Pepe Le Pew (smooth Casanova with body odor)
b. Bugs Bunny (hides in a hole most of the time)
c. Foghorn Leghorn (talks the talk, but can’t walk the walk)
d. Tasmanian Devil (no focus; all over the place; mildly retarded)
e. Yosemite Sam (loud and blustery, always shooting off his guns)
3. You don’t like meeting new people because:
a. you are uncomfortable with your appearance
b. you are afraid you will say the wrong thing
c. you are not particularly good at conversation
d. you are very picky about who you associate with
4. You prefer to:
a. surround yourself with a small group of close friends
b. hang out alone
c. associate only with your family
d. chase after every girl in sight
e. join clubs that have almost exclusively male memberships
5. If you had things your way, you would:
a. go through life celibate
b. have one girl who you could be with for the rest of your life
c. go through more chicks than the Fonz
d. have subscriptions to all the best porno mags
6. When people ask you personal questions about your social life, you wish you could:
a. curl up and die
b. disappear
c. cause them as much humiliation as they are causing you
d. rip their heads off
7. When you meet a girl you like, you:
a. let her know right away
b. keep it to yourself, for fear of embarrassment
c. tell only a few close friends
d. find a way that you can be around her all the time, without actually letting on that you like her
8. The reason you never meet any girls is because:
a. you are so busy with school
b. you are so busy with work
c. you never have any opportunities
d. you just don’t know how to talk to girls
e. you are good at making excuses
9. Your idea of a good time is:
a. a quiet night at home, alone, reading a book
b. a quiet night at home, alone, watching TV
c. playing Myst on your computer
d. a night out with the boys, chasing chicks
10. You never have any luck with girls because:
a. you are too picky
b. you are waiting for a girl to approach you
c. you don’t try hard enough
d. you are just unlucky in love
11. You do not have a girlfriend because:
a. you don’t want one at this time
b. you can’t afford one
c. your friends always ruin your chances
d. you are intimidated by the girls you really like
e. you just haven’t found the right one yet
12. You are most comfortable talking to:
a. strippers
b. phone sex operators
c. barmaids and waitresses
d. girls at parties
13. The one thing preventing you from dating any girls right now is:
a. you live at home, and your family would only embarrass you
b. your friends would bust your chops
c. you don’t make enough money to take anyone out
d. you are really good at making excuses
14. The Elvis Presley song that best sums up your experiences with girls so far is:
a. “Love Me Tender”
b. “Don’t Be Cruel”
c. “Heartbreak Hotel”
d. “Kissing Cousins”
15. If a girl found out you liked her, you would:
a. kill yourself
b. consider joining the priesthood
c. become nervous and uncomfortable around her
d. take advantage of this situation
16. When people ask you nosy questions about your personal life, you:
a. pleasantly answer all the questions
b. lie like a rug
c. wish a bolt of lightning would come down and strike them dead
d. politely inform them that it’s none of their business
17. The thing that scares you the most is:
a. having your fingernails ripped off one by one
b. having a pit bull chomp onto your genitals and not let go
c. walking around naked in Times Square
d. having a girl find out you like her
18. Which of the following group names did the singing Brady kids perform under on
The Brady Bunch?
a. The Brady 6
b. The Brady City Rollers
c. The Brady Rhythm Section
d. The Silver Platters
(Okay, I admit, that last question had nothing to do with being shy. I just threw it in to see if you were paying attention. The answers are A and C. But if you were a Shy Guy in the early seventies, you probably spent a lot of Friday nights at home watching The Brady Bunch!)
SCORING: 10–15 points: You’re not a Shy Guy! What the hell are you doing reading this book?
16–20 points: You’re semi-shy, but with a little help, you can be saved.
21–25 points: You’re a Shy Guy! You need this book! Study it like the Bible! Memorize it! Learn it! Know it!
26–30 points: To paraphrase Kajagoogoo, you’re too shy-shy, hush hush, eye to eye!
31–35 points: Well, at least we’ve identified your problem. Now let’s see what we can do to solve it!
36–40 points: Have you tried that Nintendo 64? They’ve got some really cool graphics …
Okay, so let’s say you’ve taken my little quiz, and you’ve confirmed what you already knew all along—that you are a Shy Guy. Now what do you do?
Shy Guy Movies to Watch
If there’s a recurring theme to this book, it’s that we can look to the magic of Hollywood to inspire us in our quest to overcome shyness. One of the oldest Hollywood cliches is that of the nerdy guy who learns how to stand up for himself and become a man. Countless movies have carried this theme. Here’s an overview of the ones that do it well. These are the films that you may want to watch to help you pick up a few pointers on your road to Real Manhood.
NIGHT SHIFT (1982): One of the greatest Shy Guy movies of all time. In a complete reversal from his Fonzie persona, Henry Winkler stars as a mild-mannered nerd who is pushed around by everyone. In an unforgettable debut, Michael Keaton plays a frantic wildman named Billy Blaze—he’s energetic, he’s funny, he’s full of personality. Keaton embarks on a mission to make Winkler into a man. Keaton is the mentor every real-life Shy Guy wishes he had. By the end of the movie, Winkler learns to stand up to the deli delivery boy, talk back to barking dogs, and inspire a hooker to quit hooking and become his girlfriend. This is the movie that redefined the “nerd-into-man” story for our generation.
RISKY BUSINESS (1983): A classic movie, in the same mode as Night Shift. Tom Cruise plays Joel, a high school kid who always strikes out with chicks. At the beginning of the movie, Joel confesses to his friends that he blew a chance to score with a hot girl at his school. Joel’s friends mock his awkwardness with girls. Then Joel winds up turning his home into a brothel and taking on the head hooker as his girlfriend. Needless to say, he wins the respect of his friends, who go on to become some of his best customers! Even though his brothel is shut down and all his profits are taken away from him, Joel makes it into Princeton—and still gets to keep the hooker as his girlfriend! Even more important, Joel has learned what it means to be a man. Oh yeah, he also gets to make love on a train!
(Interesting to note how many movies seem to feel a Shy Guy needs a hooker in order to become a man … An earlier movie to contain this theme was a 1973 Jack Nicholson flick called The Last Detail. In that film, Nicholson is a career sailor ordered to transport a young kleptomaniac to prison. But before that klepto can get to jail, Nicholson makes sure the kid gets drunk, gets in a bar fight, and gets a hooker. This is Hollywood’s three-point plan f...
