Customer Reviews

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

5 star:		(84)
4 star:		(12)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Contrary to what one reviewer wrote, this is not the *only* book on parenting you should read. I'd recommend Faber and Maslish's other books, How to Talk so Kids will Listen..., and How to Talk so Kids Can Learn... I give this book four stars, simply because I've given the others five stars each, and I wanted to show that you should perhaps read these books first.

I found this one in the library, somewhat desperate at a time when my two-year old was regularly trying to pinch and scratch my newborn baby. What to do? It felt awful. I clutched Siblings Without Rivalry to me like a lifebuoy.

Did it help? Emphatically, yes! There is tons of helpful material here, especially the stuff about helping children to express their feelings appropriately, and the advice to treat children uniquely rather than equally. I was worried that the authors might just rehash what they said in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen..., but they don't. The format is familiar - case studies, cartoons etc, as is the general approach to life, but the content is a real development.

I have to admit that some of the book is less relevant when one of the siblings in question is still a young baby. But I'm glad I read it when I did. I'll be coming back to it in the future.

This book has so many ideas to try with children of all ages. I'm sure I will continue to consult it as my children get older. I really like the "How To Step In So You Can Step Out" strategy that teaches parents how to intervene by acknowledging the feelings of both kids in the heat of the moment which defuses the situation so the kids can work it out themselves. I like the simple cartoons that clearly illustrate the communication "do's" and "donts" with quibbling siblings. I also like the way the discipline tips maintain the dignity of both the parent and the child. When I am able to resist "automatic parenting" reactions like yelling and threatening, and use some of the great techniques I've learned, I feel so much more competent as a parent. Because I have three young children (5, 3, and 2 months), I would like to also recommend a new pocket-sized book that has been very helpful addressing my specific current sibling issues. Appropriately entitled "The Pocket Parent", the entire book is written for parents with normal, but often challenging preschoolers. There are hundreds of short bulleted suggestions addressing sibling issues such as: "the new baby", "comparing and labeling", "sibling rivalry", "hitting and hurting others", "biting", "bad words", "I hate you's", "listening", "power struggles", and "traveling with the kids". These two books with exactly the same discipline philosophy compliment each other--both having great examples of the exact words to try in many sibling situations.

One of the strategies suggested in both books that has really reduced my frustration level is to redefine being "fair" as "meeting each child's needs" rather than focusing on being totally "equal" at all times. This thought is very helpful because my kids seem to always keep score...and I, no matter how hard I try--will often lose! Although it doesn't come naturally, I am learning to change my behavior to address needs. For example, Sunday morning I painstakingly tried to serve the exact same pancake presentation to each of the kids--and my son whined, "Mommy, that's not fa-a-ir!" and he continued to scream that his sister's pancakes were much bigger and browner than his (...in his mind, proof that I love her more). Instead of really losing it and yelling back that he was absolutely wrong, lunging for my ruler to prove it...I PAUSED...And, before I responded, I took a deep breath (...maybe 2 deep breaths) and focused my response on solving the jealousy problem. In total control of the situation, I looked my son directly in his eyes, put my hand gently on his shoulder as I replied in a very calm voice, "Hmmmmmmm. It sounds like you're still hungry, Brian...Here are two more delicious pancakes just for you!" GREAT ADVICE...and it worked!! Bad news...It does take practice, but feels so good when your thoughtful response avoids a no-win power struggle.

My sister spoke very early and her first words were "I'm telling mommy!" From the moment she arrived home from the hospital, we were locked in mortal combat. Our rivalry finally ended when I left home at 18. We are now good friends, but I wish that my parents had read this book during our childhood. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", share years of experience gained through their own parenting trials and through those of the thousands of parents who have attended their workshops. Their aim is to teach parents the skills and techniques necessary to redirect rivalry into cooperation. Topics such as teaching parents to stop treating their children equally instead of uniquely, helping children express their angry feelings acceptably, motivating children to solve their own problems, and handling fighting are expertly covered. This best-selling book puts the reader right into the middle of a fictional workshop, sitting with other frustrated parents, asking questions and working out solutions. Each chapter begins with questions aimed at helping parents to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind a common problem. The book then describes the communication skills necessary to defuse the rivalry and gain cooperation instead of arguments. Theory is put into practice in cartoon form. A problem is presented in a cartoon, which shows the "typical" way an untrained parent would respond, and then the way the problem could be resolved using the new techniques the authors teach. The last chapter of the book explores ways in which we can mend fences and renew our relationships with our own adult siblings. Several poignant stories illustrate that it is never too late to learn effective communication skills. I found this book useful for parents of only children, since the skills presented are as useful for dealing with one child as for many. For parents of two or more children, this is a MUST READ

If you have more than one child and want to understand the rivalry and bickering and arguing - AND gain insight on useful, practical ways to improve your children's relationship with each other - then read this book. What makes this book so valuable is that the powerful ideas are presented in a very down-to-earth, easy-to-read format that you'll enjoy.

This book is truly amazing. I have never written an online review of anything in my life, but I simply had to stop and sit down and write my thoughts on this extraordinary book.
As an only child who now is the mom to two boys I was dumbfounded by their ever changing relationship. I worked on trying to get the older one to be "nicer" to the younger one, but it seemed the more I tried, the more it backfired, and I was really at my wits end. It was so difficult to watch. And then I read this wonderful book. It gave me so many tools to work with and it really helped me to understand their relationship. Instead of watching from a distance and being powerless it made me realize that I was the key to helping them understand each other. The results were immediate and I am happy to say at this point my boys, who are only 19 months apart, are best friends. They rarely fight and when they do I know just what to say to get them to stop and listen. Usually with this gentle help they can work things out on their own.
I can't say enough good things about this book. Anyone who has more than one child should read it...anyone who has siblings of their own should read it as well as it gives much insight into adult sibling relationships too.
This book has changed our lives!!!

I find that most parenting books just end up making a person feel guilty or like there is no way they can possibly do all the things the book suggests. In this book (although it certainly helps you to see how far you have to go!) I have found that putting the suggestions into practice is made so much easier. I still sometimes find myself saying something unrecommended, but I catch myself and step back. And then I start over again. Other people have even commented on things that I say to the children (that i got directly from this book!) and it makes me so proud! We are all trying to do the best we can with our children, and having two or more children can be so hard at times. How do you keep both children happy? When you have only one it seems a bit easier, and having two seems like such a good idea! Then when the second child comes along things are so different! I think large families are wonderful, but I also think this is the ideal manual. Every parent (and/or sibling) should read it!

I bought this book a couple of months after we brought home our newly adopted son from Russia and the rivalry and fighting looked to become a huge problem... a never-ending battle between our only-slightly-older son and his new brother.

Over time both adjusted and now we have just run-of-the-mill rivalry and occasional jealousy, something that is manageable. But those first weeks and months were awful.

This book is nicely written and reasonably well organized. It's a quick read and provides a lot of useful ideas for how to defuse and ultimately avoid situations. Much of it is common sense or "frame shifting" (putting you into the child's situation through their eyes). I found some of the strategies useful and others not applicable, which is what you'd expect.

The downside of this book is that it is a bit on the frothy side, a bit simplistic and stagey. Some of the examples and true-life type stories go from one extreme to a too-good-to-be-true resolution "a week later". Some of the divisions in the book struck me as artificial.

Nonetheless this book is the standard for many parent dealing with this kind of problem for good reason. It is a useful reference, gets you to think about managing the situations better and gives you some tools to work with. Well recommended.

This book, proposing to teach parents how to raise siblings who don't hate each other and whose adult lives aren't still ruled by childish pain, contains a few gems. I will keep from it several bits of insight as I raise my two kids.

However, I found much of this book far too simplistic. I was turned off by the pages of cartoons that seemed to imply that with one simple phrase from mom or dad, kids would stop fighting and get along. I also found the constant description of the workshop to be distracting and contrived, like the authors were unable to put together a book that answered all of the necessary questions about their methods without having these disembodied voices posing the necessary questions. In creating these voices, too, it seemed it was always the disgruntled man who opposed and questioned everything these enlightened women had to say. The whole writing style struck me as unprofessional.

Overall, this book was decent for skimming, and it left me with a couple of ideas to ponder, but it didn't succeed in dramatically changing my parenting style, and I don't feel like it will end the sibling rivalry in our household. My search for peace continues.

I found this book extremely unhelpful. I didn't want to give it just one star, because I want to acknowledge that there ARE families for whom this book is beneficial. But it's definitely not helpful for everyone. The advice and examples just were not applicable for our family, with my children's temperment and personalities. The advice given is based on the assumption that your children have fairly compliant and cooperative personalities to begin with. For example, when two children are fighting over a toy, the author's suggestion is that the parent intervine with a comment along the lines of, "I see two children who want the same toy. What are some ways that we can work this out so that you both are happy?" at which time the children are then supposed to begin brainstorming ideas such as, "We could take turns," and "We could share the toy."

But the book never addresses the all-too-frequent scenario that takes place when the children's response to the question is, "I don't CARE if she's happy; I want the toy!!" or "We can work it out by her giving me the toy!!"

It is suggested that, if the children have difficulty coming up with solutions, the parent offer some ideas, but again, no mention is ever made of the fact that some kids will respond with rejection of any offered solution: "You could take turns with the toy." "Okay, I get it first!" "No, *I* get it first!!"

If your kids are already getting along fairly well and have compliant, easy-going personalities, this book is probably quite helpful. But if you're dealing with persistent sibling arguing, the advice can be infuriating, because it all rests on the assumption that your kids are going to happily participate in a conflict-resolution session every time they are angry with each other.

I read this book in 1992. At the time, I was the mother of a seven-year-old girl and a five-year-old girl. I began applying the lessons immediately. Now twenty-one and ninteen, my daughters describe us as one of the few families they know where the kids are truly friends. This is very different from my own childhood experience. My children had conflict growing up but I learned how to help them learn to resolve it in a positive way, thereby dramatically reducing the stress in our home. I also saw my kids use the techniques with their relationships with friends! I also have a twelve-year-old daughter and eleven-year-old son that get along really well, even learning to share the television and computer, so it's not just luck with the older ones. I now routinely give this book as a gift to parents of a second or third child. I HIGHLY recommend this to parents of children of any age.