Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest [Paperback]

Kenneth M. Adams (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1558741313 | ISBN-13: 978-1558741317 | Publication Date: April 1, 1991 | Edition: 1

Did you have a parent whose love for you felt more confining than freeing, more demanding than giving, more instrusive than nurturing? Did you feel trapped in a "psychological marriage" with this parent? If so, you may be a victim of covert incest.

Identification of this kind of incest is difficult, since covert incest victimrs often feel idealized and privileged, not violated and abused. In Silently Seduced, Dr. Adams, through illustrative case examples and perceptive insight, provides covert incest victims a framework to understand what happened to them, how their lives and relationships continue to be affected and how to begin the process of recovery.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Kenneth M. Adams, a licensed psychologist, has worked with children and adults who have grown up in dysfunctional and alcoholic families. He is a national lecturer, workshop leader and consultant in the areas of childhood abuse, adult children and addictions.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen ... all appeals to lone, solidarity and compassion will be useless.

— Alice Miller, For Your Own Good

Tom came home from a long day at the office looking forward to the quiet, intimate dinner he and his wife had planned. The telephone rang. It was his mother. Now what? he thought. He listened as she described her day. Eventually she began discussing how lonely and miserable she felt with Tom's father. Tom felt his rage boil but was paralyzed by his guilt. He looked for an opening in her tirade so he could politely excuse himself and eat his dinner which was waiting for him.

How do I get out of this one? Tom thought, as his mother went on describing her feelings of sexual dissatisfaction with his father. Impatient and outraged, he paced the floor and hoped his mother would hang up.

When she said, "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. I wish your father would listen to me like you do,ö Tom had had enough. He hung up without a word and threw the phone to the floor in a rage. Teary-eyed, he screamed to his wife, "I don't want to know about her personal problems! I hate it, but I don't know what to do." As had happened so many times before, Tom's evening with his wife was ruined.

As a therapist I've learned Tom's story is not unique. Frequently I hear comments such as, "I can't stand it when my dad keeps telling me how much he loves his 'little princessÆ" or "I wish my mom would stop telling me about her loneliness. It's not my business" or "I know my dad doesn't mean anything by it, but it feels funny when he seems so worried about how I dress and gets jealous when I go out with men." The list is endless, but the theme is the same: a sense of violation and a boundary crossed. These violations are usually done in the name of "love" and "caring.ö

There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child. "Feeling close" with your parents, particularly the opposite-sex parent, is not the source of comfort the image suggests. It is a relationship in which the individual, both as a child and later as an adult, feels silently seduced by the parent. Feelings of appreciation and gratitude do not prevail in these "close relationships." Instead they are a source of confusing, progressive rage.

During the feedback section of my lectures on the subject, some participants are quite vocal with their rage and express relief that they now understand why at times they hate with vengeance the same parent who has always loved them "so much." Some are frozen in their seats and can't speak, while others can't wait to leave. A few courageous parents speak up, expressing that they are now beginning to understand why their sons or daughters struggle in relationships.

Others listen to the lectures and insist there is no harm in their close relationship to their opposite-sex parent. Actually they claim to feel special and privileged. These children were given a special position by being idealized by the parent. But there is no privilege in being cheated out of a childhood by being a parent's surrogate partner. As adults these individuals in turn idealize their parents to cover the pain of the abandoned and victimized child within. To be a parent's surrogate partner is to be a victim of covert incest. This book is about the silent seduction covert incest victims experience and its effect on their sexuality, intimacy and relationships.

Being a parent's surrogate partner as a child and continuing to be one as an adult has a profound effect on one's life. The following are some common characteristics resulting from the silent seduction of a covertly incestuous relationship. If you find yourself in these descriptions of characteristics, this book is for you.

1. Love/Hate Relationship. One often has intense feelings of both love and hate for the opposite-sex parent. On one hand you feel special and privileged because of the relationship; on the other you frequently feel you aren't doing enough for that parent. This results in feelings of guilt which result in rage that is seldom directly expressed.
   
2. Emotional Distance from Same-Sex Parent. In contrast to the love / hate relationship with the opposite-sex parent, you feel abandoned by the same-sex parent. This relationship often is competitive and the parent feels like an adversary. Feeling contempt for this parent is common.
   
3. Guilt and Confusion over Personal Needs. You feel guilty about your needs and probably have a difficult time identifying what they are. You generally try to "be strong,ö caretake or always "be there" for others as a way of meeting your own needs.
   
4. Feelings of Inadequacy. You are likely to have chronic feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. You believe your worth as a man or woman is determined by what you can do rather than who you are.
   
5. Multiple Relationships. You are likely to have been in and out of many relationships and never felt satisfied. You are always on the lookout for the perfect partner or relationship. Establishing intimacy is difficult for you.
   
6. Difficulty with Commitment. You generally experience ambivalence regarding commitment in relationships. You always seem to have one foot in and one foot out of the door just in case.
   
7. Hasty Commitments. You make a quick commitment to a relationship, then realize later it was not a good choice. You then feel too guilty to leave. Instead you try to make it right.
   
8. Regret over Past Relationships. You find yourself looking back at a previous relationship and wondering if it could have worked if you had stuck it out.
   
9. Sexual Dysfunction. You find yourself feeling sexually shut down or driven and compulsive in the pursuit of sexual highs or conquests. Sex may become addictive.
   
10. Compulsions/Addictions. You have other compulsions or addictions. You are driven in the area of work, success and achievement. You find yourself addicted to food. Either you compulsively overeat, starve yourself or you binge and purge.
    
    

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¬1991. All rights reserved. Reprinted from by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.

Product Details

• Paperback: 118 pages
• Publisher: HCI; 1 edition (April 1, 1991)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1558741313
• ISBN-13: 978-1558741317
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (19 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #175,861 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #41 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Recovery > Adult Children of Alcoholics

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

145 of 149 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wow., October 5, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest (Paperback)

This is the single most powerful book I have read on what it means to grow up in a household where the parents are not fulfilling each other's emotional and physical needs. The children become the receptacle for all the frustrated sexual energy the parents are experiencing, even if they are not talking about it. This is exactly what happened to me -- the oldest daughter of an alcoholic and his angry wife. Finally, I understand the "ickiness" (the author's word) I still feel every time I am required to spend time with my parents.

This book talks about the specific, sexualized emotions you experience while growing up in a dysfunctional home that don't get articulated because it's too squeamish to talk about them. And yet, it does so in a very safe and comforting manner. It's like getting the hug and shoulder to lean on that you never got growing up.

Facing the truth of being emotionally used by one's parents is a sobering experience -- but oh what a relief to have these feelings explained and validated. I feel extraordinarily relieved to have read this book -- it gives me new hope for my present, my future and my marriage.

63 of 65 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally! A relief to understand!, January 5, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest (Paperback)

The author describes in detail what kind of actions from a parent can create an inappropriate dependency from a child, the resulting feelings that can stay with the child and the patterns of behavior through adulthood that follow. Subtle things that might seem innocent in a parent's mind can actually cross a line into inappropriate territory with a child and his/her development. The child may feel "icky," but also privileged to have such special attention from the parent.

The author offers advice for recovery and gives very clear statements about what must happen in order for the adult survivor of covert incest to make healthy changes and free him/herself from binding dependencies.

I purchased this book based on a recommendation on a message board. Wow! I am filled with relief to suddenly realize why I feel this way and why there are these inexplicable patterns in my life. The biggest relief of all is to know I'm not alone and that my odd feelings about my parents are not unjustified. I read it and said, "Finally! Now I know what is wrong!"

If you feel guilty about setting limits on your parents, this book is for you. If you are having difficulty connecting with your spouse and find yourself connecting more with your kids, please read this book.

92 of 100 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars a clear guideline, November 27, 2005

By 

MM "M" (Ontario, Canada) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest (Paperback)

Wow, very impressive! I read it from cover to cover, in one sitting. Just could not put it down. It is written in a clear and concise manner. Almost every word seems well selected and carefully considered to support the theme of the whole book. Very convincing with powerful logic.

I have to admit when I was hesitant to order this book at the beginning. I thought, "What this says about me, if I need to read a book on this topic?" I felt uncomfortable to put myself in the category of covert incest victim.

Several things which are happening in my life, made me decide to take a try. My career has experienced a setback for several years. I have difficulty in establishing a great long term relationship. And most immediately, I have dreams of being angry at my parents. Those dreams rarely occur, but when they do, once or twice a year, I find my whole body tighten up in anger when I wake up. I ask myself, if I can be so angry about something I don't understand, why not spend some time to understand what exactly makes me so angry?

When the book arrived, I wrapped it up in a book cover to hide the name. I have to agree this is an uncomfortable topic and I do not want to be seen reading such a book in public.

But let me tell you, this is one of the most important books I have read in years. It is neatly organized:

First two chapters:
-What is the silent seduction?
-When is a child betrayed by a parent's love?
Introduce the concept of silent seduction and general pattern.

The next two chapters:
-The man of the house
-Daddy's little girl
Talk about the specific situations in case of a mother and a son, and a father and a daughter. The author uses different cases to address different areas. It is quite specific.

The following chapters:
-When does sex become a hiding place?
Discusses the impact on the victim's sexual feelings when the victim grows up.

-The struggle to Commit
Talk about the impact on relationships the victim will face as an adult

The last chapter:
-Towards Wholeness
A short but comforting guide towards healing.


When I was reading the first two chapters, I found myself nodding occasionally but suspicious. But when it got specific, my eyes grew wide, as I saw a step by step description of my life. It is as if the author had followed my life and summed it up in different cases. It is scary to see your life being so accurately depicted.

As it was very late (midnight), I went to sleep. And I was sad. The author reminds in the last chapter that when we let it go, we would feel sadness.

I turned back and forth on bed, feeling emptiness. The kind of emptiness you feel when you cannot find the purpose in life.

The book made a very important point, that when we were treated as special by our parents, often it is perceived as love from our parents, and we hang on to it as the only and most powerful love we have experienced, but actually it is not love, it is an expression of needs of our parents. We were there merely to satisfy the emotional needs of our parents. And our needs, when as little kids, were ignored.

Logically, I accepted this point. But emotionally, it was sad to recognize the single most powerful love in our life experience was not even love. It brought a question: what do we live for?

Since I could not sleep, I got up and started reading again.

The next chapter talks about sex addicts. I almost laughed, hey, this could not be about me. Out of curiosity, I did not skip it entirely. Wow, when my finger touched on the last page of this chapter, it turned out it was talking about me. It talks about the seeking of sexual highs, and the seductive patterns.

It exactly describes the experience I have been having in the last year. I reveled in the attention of many suitors. I seduced one after another. Of course, the seduction was very subtle. I behaved exactly like a lady, but secretly put the man of my seduction in anxiety to get me. It was like a power game. And I felt safe when powerful men fell for me. And I do not stay for any long term relationship. I just seduced and moved on. The reason why I never labeled myself as sex addict, was because actual sex seldom happened. The seduction was very sexually charged (with strong sexual energy), but I almost always moved on before the man could actually get me on bed.

I did not realize this was what I was doing until I read this book. I just did it unconsciously. For me, it was a game of fun and power to get back at men, and to make myself feel safe, treasured, chased and desirable. Upon this chapter, I began to realize, maybe, just maybe, it is the start of sexual and love addiction.

The chapter also talks about double life. It did make me laugh, because in my fantasy of success, I always added on a second life of sexual satisfaction. It is my ideal life to be a highly successful woman, with a colorful secret sex life. The thrill of having a secret dirty life against common convention seems so exciting and satisfying, against the background of success and social recognition.

This chapter makes me rethink my goal. Is my goal of success, really something I want, or is it a way to get back at my past so that I do not need to face my past? Is that a way to prove to my parents I grow up to be better than them, beyond their wildest expectations? Is this a way to prove myself I was not hurt by my parents, I grow over and above the hurtful past?

My career is in a setback for several years now. It happened very unexpectedly. When everyone expected me to become a great career woman, suddenly all motivation drained away from me. For several years, I just sat around, wanting to do nothing. In business meetings, though I knew I probably were the most qualified in giving out professional opinions (due to my qualification and educational background), I sat in a corner, demure and obscure. I do not understand why I hate to go out, getting what I deserve, and what the other people think I deserve. It is like I clipped my own wings intentionally.

It came to a point that I took a look at my past. I had been a wonder kid academically. I found whenever my academic future or career future opened up to a new height, somehow, on several important occasions, I just escaped the night (or months) before it happened. I undid the effort I put in for years, to avoid collecting the fruit of being much more successful than others.

Every time I did that, it was extremely painful for me afterwards. Guilt and confusion took over. It took years to build the base for success, and it took years to recover from the disappointment of escaping from success and make a comeback. It was like a cycle. Maybe it finally got to my spirit, and I started to associate the prospect of success, with the slow and deep pains from disappointment and fear of escaping again. So, in the end, I felt chasing success did not worth it any more.

In Ken Adams's book, it discusses the ambivalence of commitment to relationships. It is an extremely interesting chapter. From my personal point of view, I do see my own relationship surfacing from the pages, a quick commitment, an illusion of starting anew, followed by a slow stew of doubt, and the desire to get out.

I do wish this wonderful enlightening chapter could address more issues: not only commitment to relationships, but also commitment to goals and personal ambitions. Does the fear of abandonment drive us away not only from committing to intimacy, but also to allowing ourselves the success we deserve, work hard for, and deny ourselves for?

When it comes to the last chapter, it is comforting to see we are not hopeless. It talks about letting go of your idealized image of the seductive parent. Among the many thing I learn from reading this book, this is probably the most important. To realize what you cherish as the best love and the integral part of your childhood memory and what makes who you are today, is actually an unconscious seduction by your parent to realize his or her own need in an unhappy relationship. It is not about you, and never about you. And you miss the important development phase of recognizing your own needs, building your own character, wants and values as a human being. Chasing your parent's love is like chasing emptiness, something they never can give, and something which does not exist. The lack of it makes a strong emptiness in your heart, since you never learn how to live for yourself. That phase of development was stolen from you, by the need of your parents.

Naturally it is angry to recognize it. It feels like being betrayed by someone so close to your heart. I now partly understand why my dreams were so intense, where I screamed at my parents for their lack of love and their insistency of not seeing the error where it is. (In real life, I never accused my parents. I just cannot.)

The book talks about acknowledging your anger toward the seductive parent. And I agree it is very necessary. We need to see the reality the way it is, before we can come back to reality and come to terms with ourselves.

Is it necessary to make your parents acknowledge your anger and their grand mistake? From my experience, it is a no. Because they most likely will never acknowledge their mistake, and it will become a contest of wills. My grandmother was seriously abusive, (hehe, now I agree family issues pass from generation to generation), and my father was deeply hurt. But until her death, my Grandma never ever admitted her mistake, no matter how miserable she made her children's lives. It is unfortunate in an effort to... Read more ›