Customer Reviews

Simon Sez

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

It's hard to describe a movie like Simon Sez. I think it's best to liken it to a train wreck: No matter how morbid, you just can't look away. I find myself bizarrely attracted to this film. It's just so....bad. But the thing is not to look at this movie as being good or bad. You have to look at it as just being. If you watch the film, with the knowledge that it is not a *good* film, you'll actually enjoy it. The only way I can accurately describe my feelings is to break this movie up into different aspects.

THE PLOT: The plot itself is not only strange, but confusing. Rodman works for Interpol (Hah!), and is trying to track down an arms dealer, Ashton (Pradon). He meets up with a guy, who is trying to save his boss's daughter from being kidnapped by her French boyfriend's father, but she doesn't realize she's been kidnapped. But, then she *does* get kidnapped. Then some other woman comes in here, for no reason other than to give Rodman a love interest. There's some fighting, some sex, some more fighting, some monks, sheep, a big weapon, et cetera. Eventually, Rodman saves the Eiffel Tower, gets the girl, and rides off into the sunset. Lovely, right? Except you can't help but wonder: "What just went on there?" The plot is confusing. Unrealistic? Of course! But that's the magic of this movie. Nothing's realistic! Don't be fooled for one second into thinking it is!

CHARACTERS/ACTING: Okay, I liked the fat monk. Yes, there's a fat monk in the film. And I liked him. There should be more of the fat monk. The fat monk and his sheep. But I digress. Anyway, Rodman was (as usual) brightly decorated to look not unlike The Illustrated Man from Ray Bradbury's novel. Can Rodman act? Of course not! But you knew he couldn't! So don't worry about it. The other comment I need to make about acting (because everyone else is, more or less, really bad), is about Jerome Pradon. Alright, I admit, Pradon is the only reason I saw the film. I'm a big fan of musical theatre, and I'm a fan of his work (particularly Les Miserables, Martin Guerre, and the upcoming Jesus Christ Superstar movie). He's an excellent singer. He appears to be an excellent actor too. You just can't tell that from this movie. He plays the bad guy *so* camp, that you know he's not taking it seriously. But he appears to be the only one who isn't taking it seriously. Everyone else seems convinced that this is a good, quality film. Pradon, obviously, isn't. So by comparison, his performance actually looks silly and stupid. But you have to realize that he's *supposed* to be silly and stupid. So from that perspective, his performance is actually quite enjoyable. But you have to look at it as someone who is trying to be something, but from looking at someone who is *not* trying to be something. You know? No, probably not. I have to apologise. I'm usually far more articulate. :)

THE GENRE: Some people may wonder why I consider this an aspect to talk about. Well, here's why. The movie, I believe, is categorized as being Action/Comedy. Now, here's the thing. It *is* a comedy, yes. But the parts that are supposed to be funny are just sort of pathetic. When viewing this movie, it is advised to just ignore them. You have to look at the parts that *aren't* supposed to be funny, and then just laugh your head off.

This review has been designed to help movie-goers, whose idea of comedy may be something like "A Fish Called Wanda", to enjoy this movie as much as possible. However, I think the purpose has a very obvious flaw. If you consider "A Fish Called Wanda" to be a very good, humourous movie, then why are you looking at this movie? Why are you even here? What brought you here? Madness, I suspect. That's apparently what brought me (aside from Jerome Pradon). Anyway, this last paragraph was designed to be somewhat of a conclusion, but I've failed miserably, so I'm just going stop now.

"Simon Sez" is a piece of absurdist action insanity starring basketball legend Dennis "I Have Piercings Everywhere" Rodman as Simon, a former CIA agent now working for INTERPOL. You know when you put this bad boy in the DVD player that it isn't going to be good, so let's just get it out of the way and confirm that, yes, it's a terrible movie. It's so bad, though, that for aficionados of B-movies, it qualifies as "so bad it's good."

As for the plot, Rodman is working on a case in the south of France when CIA washout Nick Miranda (Dane Cook) drops in on him, in the process rendering the remainder of the movie unbearable as anything other than camp flick. Nick is the most annoying spy ever, and wishes he could exude the calm of Simon, but continuously does exactly the wrong thing. His performance will make the higher conscious functionality of your brain scream for mercy. The beauty of the French Rivera is no match for the squalor of this picture.

The storyline goes on to feature a remote control fly and Simon's colleagues, two dancing monks ("We're monks of death!"), one of which is so overweight it's both mesmerizing and disgusting to watch the hideousness of his dance moves. There is a damsel in distress (of course), a sexy ex-girlfriend of Simon's now working for the enemy, an evil arms dealer with WMD ambitions, blackmail, a love story, and sheep on a secret mission. Sound good? There are some way over-the-top fight and chase scenes, variously involving a shopping cart ride down some stairs, a motorcycle chase in a church, and more martial arts than you can shake a stick at, courtesy of Xin Xin Xiong.

The film is a spoof I suppose, or at least harkens back to many other films, including every Bond movie ever made, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" (the flying car scene is worth it's weight in lead), "The Pink Panther Strikes Again" (big lasers always attract super villains), "The Andy Griffith Show" (Nick should aspire to be as rugged a lawman as Barney Fife), "Dr. Who", and "Mission Impossible". In other words, it's an amalgam of good ideas added together in horrible proportions, like cedar plank salmon glazed in dark chocolate and sauerkraut, crowned with a single maraschino cherry.

I won't reveal the conclusion (and I don't even want to think about Nick's finale), but suffice it to say you won't be surprised though you will be relieved. There is also a "Making Of" featurette for those who wish to know more about this piece of cinematic genius. The film deserves one star (less in a just world), but I had to give it three for connoisseurs of the best of the worst. Critics hated this film, and it deserves it's reputation. People who love bad movies, I mean who really, really love bad movies should test their courage here.

"Simon Sez" makes an excellent gift for the movie lover who thinks they have been hardened by Ed Wood, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and Larry Buchanan. Are they as strong as they think they are? Test them with a dose of Rodman and Cook. Only the strong survive.

I can't find anything good to say about this movie. The acting is poor; the plot seems to have a mind of its own (like a 2-year-old's); the fighting scenes are some of the worst I've ever seen in a movie. They're so unrealistic, it's more like watching a cartoon. Dennis Rodman does seem to try, sometimes. Most of the time, he's just trying, unsucessfully, to be cool. Half of the characters in this thing seem to be there for comic relief. Seriously, half of them. It's that stupid. Don't pay money to see this movie. And don't EVEN consider buying it.

While the film can be funny sometimes and it does have some decent action scenes. Dennis Rodman was okay in this film. Not great but pretty good. The plot is soo stupid as wacthing a John Cena match. The Cyber Monks & Dane Cook are soo annoying,you wish they were in a Final Destination film so they can get kill off right away. Overall,it's ok if you are a Dennis Rodman fan. I give this film a 4 out of 10.

I watch this movie than gave it away or pawned it. Whatever. It's a lame movie.

ORDERED BEFORE JULY 4TH.
STILL NOT RECEIVED
EMAILS NEVER ANSWERED
NO CREDIT GIVEN
I JUST WANT THE 2 DVD'S I ORDERED

I previously had this movie on VHS. It was Humorous and action packed. If you like a great fun action movie then this ones for you. Oh their is a couple corney spots but overall I loved it.

This movie was one of those movies that was so dumb that it was funny. I liked it because it had Dane Cook in it. He is one of the greatest comedians that I know of.

This movie is ridiculous, as you might expect considering Dennis Rodman is not only an actor in it, he's the LEAD actor. However, Dane Cook is in it, and he's one of the funniest men alive. Perhaps he doesn't shine in this movie, but for such a cheap price, it's still worth it. I've seen other reviews that say if you like bad movies, or are in the mood for one, that would be a good time to watch. That captures the point of this movie precisely. If you're looking for a good action movie, look elsewhere, but if you're a fan of Dane Cook (and if you've heard his act, you probably are), or you can enjoy cheesy movies, then it's worth it.

The heck did I just watch? I really don't know, and fact is I'm not sure how much I WANT to know, but as a reviewer its my job to make you, the gentle reader, know. There's good news and bad news about the movie: the good news is Dennis Rodman isn't too bad in his acting role. The bad news is...he's the BEST actor in the whole dang thing.

The acting by the rest of the cast is minimal, and further tarnished by the atrocious script writing. This is especially true for the character Nick, who cavorts about like a constipated ape. I think he was trying to make me laugh - mostly I was crying.

Don't know quite what was going on - there's a lot of scurrying around, beating people up, shooting one another, crashing into things, mostly for a disk but it seems but there's a kidnapping involved as well. Oh yeah and some love interest between Rodman and one of the villains, but eh...my brain was kind of lost by then. The sad thing is that while there is a lot of action in this movie, it feels really amatuerish. This is especially true in one scene where Dennis Rodman ties a girl up using a sash. I think they were trying to make him look like Jackie Chan, but all it looks like is he wraps a sash around her with some swooshing sound affects added in later. Oh yeah, and look out for the scene where Dennis Rodman deflects bullets with a tray cart.

Watch it if you're in a mood for a bad movie. Just remember its a Dennis Rodman movie.