Customer Reviews

The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace

5 star:		(67)
4 star:		(12)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

Wow. I just finished reading this last night. I was entertained by some of it, and very much wanted to like it, but in the end -- especially the end -- I was extremely disappointed. Potential readers know this: If you are looking for anecdotes about stepmotherhood you'll find plenty of them here... have a cuppa, have a laugh, know that there are others in your boat. But if you're looking for wisdom and practical solutions, steer clear. It's light and quick reading at best, and definitely does not provide sound or professional advice. The predicaments in this book are pitiful and a little sad, and the only answer continually expressed throughout is to lay down and take it -- and, in effect, build resentment. If you're the type of person who does that sort of thing and can actually operate happily taking a back seat for the rest of your life, you will love this book. If you're the type of person who believes ALL parties in these (often but not always) chaotic situations deserve respect and should compromise, then you'll hate it. Guilt is a definite by-product of divorce when children are involved, but your guilt-ridden husband has just as big a part to play in this scenario as you do, such as respecting you and being able to stand up to an ex-wife -- who is often times a bigger problem than the children themselves, and not necessarily because she's a "psycho" (not all ex-wives are the devil). The simple point is, if you choose to settle for the back seat, a husband who chronically avoids conflict will happily leave you there. Finally, I can barely come up with the proper words to express how horrified I was at the advice in the final chapters to have "your own baby" so you not only are accepted by your husband's family (which, by the way, includes you at the helm!), but so you have someone in this world who loves you unconditionally. ??! In an environment with or without stepchildren, I can't think of a worse reason to bring a child into this world... I feel for any little being who is put under that sort of pressure while they're still in the womb.

Sally's book is really good for people who are very willing to compromise much of their lives to accommodate their new partner and stepkids. However, for many women, some of her advice is a little creepy. One subject is: "His Kids Come First - Learning to Love Second Place." She provides an example of a misbehaving stepkid tripping the author, the author falling down, the author scolding the kids, and then dad rushes to the kid's aid, not to the mom who was tripped. Her point is that kids are dependents, so they will necessarily come "first." But who wants to come 2nd? And why phrase it like that? At best, a stepmom needs to tie for first or she will always resent taking a perpetual backseat to the partner and his ex in all matters of scheduling, parenting, discipline, etc. The voices of many of these women profiled are actually quite sad. The undertone to much of their commentary is that of feeling left out and not fulfilled.

The section on deciding to have your own kids is particularly frightening. At one point the author likens having one's own biological children to truly finding a place in your partner's "kingdom." I think that speaks volumes that if you don't lay out really healthy boundaries and high expectations for inclusion and respect, that you will be left feeling like you're not really a part of the family. Who in the world should have to produce a child to begin to get the acceptance, love and respect of ones partner and stepfamily? Creepy, creepy stuff in many sections of this book, but a very good read if you have doubts, as Sally may help you clarify if being in this kind of family structure is what will really work for you.

Although I'm not getting married, I'm very involved with my boyfriend and his five year old son. Recently, we started talking about moving in together and I started to panic. I've had a lot of experience with children, but the territory of co-parenting was new. I realized I had different ideas of parenting and many insecurities about the overall "situation". Questions, feelings, observations, things I had let go of were all issues now. Angry outbursts and frustrated remarks made our relationship go from blissful to sour. It finally came to the point where we both turned to each other and said, "I've never done this before!" When I opened the book and started reading, it felt good that I wasn't going crazy and that I wasn't alone. I told him that I want him to read the book so he could see my perspective--and why it's the 'tiny' things that are a big deal. It also gives me insight to what he's going through. Glad to find this gem.

The message I heard repeatedly from this book is that as a stepmother, you will always have to adapt to your husband's family. There are no expectations that your husband, his ex-wife, and his kids meet you, the stepmother, in the middle somewhere. It tends to preserve the idea that stepmoms are second class citizens, and that they'll just have to adapt to their husband's self-centered family and ex-wife. If your husband really loves you, he should be willing to sit down with you before the wedding and discuss ways of how his family and ex-wife can meet you in the middle, and how he will make a commitment to make space for you in the family. It's also wise to read a couple of personal financial planning books together BEFORE the wedding if finances are messy. There were no ideas in the book on how to change the negative stereotype of stepmoms, because as long as stepmoms have no expectations for their husbands' families, they will often be greeted with disrespectful behavior, and they will continue to be looked down upon. In my opinion, when you date or marry a parent with kids, try not to get wrapped up in family status struggles or Bjornsen's term "blood status" on page 209 & 210. If you live a positive, interesting life and expose your husband and his kids to positive, interesting activities and ideas, you will gain the kind of respect that talented school teachers often get. Throw the term "stepmom" out and reinvent yourself as a positive, healthy role model that encourages your husband's kids to become interesting people. If you find yourself fighting about how the holidays will unfold, create new traditions and holidays and rise above the arguments over who gets the kids on Dec. 25th, etc. These days, most families don't celebrate holidays on their actual dates anyway because it's hard enough to get everyone together due to work schedules. Finally, this book makes it sound like as a stepmom, you have no family of your own and you only have your husband's family. Most stepmoms do have parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, kids of their own, so I encourage stepmoms to strengthen those family ties so that they're not so emotionally dependent on their husband's family. This book will speak to the woman who sees herself as not being worthy enough to be met in the middle.

I highly recommend this book to women who are new step-moms, or are on their way to becoming a step-mom. I had a hard time finding information about step-parenting that spoke to my situation specifically-I was 32 when I married my husband, had never been married before and had no children of my own. I struggled with the changes in my life, and it was frustrating when I couldn't find information that was helpful to me. Sally Bjornsen's insights into being a step-parent are extremely helpful, and come from the heart. I have found myself re-reading chapters, or the "Sassy Stepmother Straightscoop" tips at the end of each segment. Now that I have two years of step-motherhood under my belt, I know that I have come along a long way since the early days of my relationship with my husband, his kids, and yes, the ex-wife, too. This book reminds you that this experience is a "personal journey" and while some of your feelings and behaviors don't always make you feel very good, there is a reason for and a purpose behind your feelings! Be aware of this so you can grow and move forward in your experience. The author has included a great resource guide at the end of the book - many helpful websites and books. I would also recommend that the husband/father read this book as well-it's a great way to open the door to having those important discussions!

If you are considering dating or marrying a man with kids, this is the book for you. Most books on the subject leave you feeling depressed. This book holds out hope that you can survive and indeed thrive in a relationship with a man, his kids and his ex.
Practical and current. recommended

If you found this title, you are in the author's shoes. You are seriously involved, married, or engaged (where I'm at) to a man with kids and a less-than-cool ex-wife. You know that things are bound to get increasingly complicated and you've probably experienced some of that complexity already. I knew problems would come but felt definite anxiety about what may happen in the future with this wonderful man, but his not so wonderful ex-wife and two normal, but young, children. I wanted to know more about what to expect and get some hints as to how to handle the situations that are coming my way relatively soon.

This book is exactly what the title implies: it is for women that are not mothers, don't necessarily have interest in being one (at this moment, at least), and haven't been married before. Hence, the "Single Girl's Guide" part. BUT that "single" woman has fallen in love with a *wonderful* man who also happens to be a struggling part-time father. Hell, I didn't expect this to happen in a thousand years! I'm also not an expert on divorced families- I needed something to make me feel a little (or a lot!) more prepared for the "fun" that awaits me after what will be a fabulous wedding! I'd rather be knowledgeable and ready when weird stepmom situations present themselves, rather than feel broadsided when I didn't have to be.

I felt obligated to write a review because of the few, but entirely lame, reviews I saw when searching for a proper book. I now know that the negative reviews are from people that either 1) Are not facing an oncoming role transformation from self-sustaining woman to partial, but nonetheless important, mother- but maybe incorrectly found this title because they are in a somewhat different and possibly non-applicable situation; 2) Didn't get past the first chapter (Definitely true for some of the reviewers-I realized that upon reading only the first few pages); or 3) Don't have a sense of humor and decent reading comprehension skills. (Sorry to offend, but I must speak the truth so that women in this weird predicament can feel support in some way!)

The author does in fact give many helpful clues and hints for how to think about situations and how to handle yourself with your partial & brand new kids and others in the kid/mommy sector of society. She also helps you understand- Like with the single example that the reviewers noted (which is in the first few pages, btw)repeatedly- that your boyfriend/fiance/husband is being a good father and that you fell in love with him because of his caring traits. But if you act like uber-b*tch (cuss words, insults, immaturity & all), then don't expect him to drop his 3-10 year-old (that doesn't know any better & is in that whole difficult process known as "development") to rush to you. (Yeah, the negative reviewers left that characterization out if it, didn't they? Not so "disturbing" when you read whole chapters.)

Overall, the author becomes the buddy you need and gives you her advice and stories. I give her full kudos on creating a great guide for the originally single woman who is now stepmom-to-be. Thanks!

This book addresses many of the issues faced by women who marry men with children, such as kids, exes, money, and inlaws. It is not a "single girl's guide" - it is designed for new stepmoms. For that reason, it may be useful for the new stepmom who has little clue what to expect. The book is humorous and focuses on being optimistic and upbeat, and could be a supplement to other step-parenting books.

However, the book made me sad, both for the author and for other women who have suffered some of the situations described in this book. The author uses a lot of humor to tell stories (and there are lots of stores, especially her own stories) and illustrate her point, but her humor is a thin disguise for some of the more painful things she experienced. For example, she describes an incident where her stepson tripped her on purpose, causing her to fall flat on her face in public, and then she watched her husband comfort the child after she barked at him for tripping her! She talks about being excluded from the world of biological mothers because she's not a "real" mom. She then advises the reader that stepmothers will always come in second place after the kids, and to accept it! This sort of advice is patently wrong and encourages stepmothers to to settle for crap instead of what they deserve. I'm with "E. Miller" - her book is filled with creepy and disturbing things.

As a stepmother, I acknowlege some of the difficulties the author discusses - money issues, weird ex-wives, disciplining the kids - they come with the territory. However, I STRONGLY disagree with her about taking second place to his children - it is not acceptable for a man to treat his wife like she is less important than his kids, or allow his children to treat her disrespectfully. My husband has never treated me that way.

Because the author is not an expert (beyond her personal experiences), the book is heavy on humor and stories and lighter on advice and insight. I've seen better books on stepmotherhood.

I would suggest "Ex-Wives and Ex-LIves" over this book. This book seems politically correct but doesn't delve into the stench of reality. I don't care how perfect you, as a new wife want to be, the kids and ex are often there to undermine you and sap you of any energy and motivation. I had "Humor and Grace" through gritted teeth and not one moment I spent, even with the step-kids who LOVED me, was worth the trouble of marrying a man with baggage. Even when the kids are great, the ex-wife is usually a problem 9 times out of 10. There's always some drama and it gets old really fast. Try the other book I mentioned at top of paragraph for a more realistic look. I'll add a review there too. I wish I had info when I became a step-parent and though these books aren't perfect, they're better advice than nothing. If anything they'll help you keep your sanity a while longer.

I am in a relationship with a man who has been divorced for only 2 years and has a 6 year old daughter part-time. Recently I have been having a hard time dealing with his constant communication with his ex-wife and his daughter really pushing my buttons. I guess getting into the relationship I didn't think it would be this hard for me....but I was wrong. It's been a year and I was thinking to myself that I either jump ship or make the commitment to stick this out. He is a wonderful man and is very loving when we are alone. But add in the ex factor and that all changes.

This book was very helpful for me to see all sides of the relationship and learn how to deal with these feelings. It was nice to know that I am not a jealous over-protective girlfriend....I just don't think my boyfriend should be catering to his ex's needs. If you need some advice or have any doubts....READ THIS BOOK! Wonderful.