Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After [Hardcover]

Bella DePaulo (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0312340818 | ISBN-13: 978-0312340810 | Publication Date: November 14, 2006 | Edition: First Edition

People who are single are changing the face of America. Did you know that:
 
* More than 40 percent of the nation's adults---over 87 million people---are divorced, widowed, or have always been single.
*  There are more households comprised of single people living alone than of married parents and their children.
* Americans now spend more of their adult years single than married. 

Many of today's single people have engaging jobs, homes that they own, and a network of friends. This is not the 1950s---singles can have sex without marrying, and they can raise smart, successful, and happy children. It should be a great time to be single. Yet too often single people are still asked to defend their single status by an onslaught of judgmental peers and fretful relatives.
 
Prominent people in politics, the popular press, and the intelligentsia have all taken turns peddling myths about marriage and singlehood. Marry, they promise, and you will live a long, happy, and healthy life, and you will never be lonely again.
 
Drawing from decades of scientific research and stacks of stories from the front lines of singlehood, Bella DePaulo debunks the myths of singledom---and shows that just about everything you've heard about the benefits of getting married and the perils of staying single are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong. Although singles are singled out for unfair treatment by the workplace, the marketplace, and the federal tax structure, they are not simply victims of this singlism. Single people really are living happily ever after.
 
Filled with bracing bursts of truth and dazzling dashes of humor, Singled Out is a spirited and provocative read for the single, the married, and everyone in between.

 

You will never think about singlehood or marriage the same way again.
 
Singled Out debunks the Ten Myths of Singlehood, including:
 
Myth #1: The Wonder of Couples: Marrieds know best.
 
Myth #3: The Dark Aura of Singlehood: You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.
 
Myth #5: Attention, Single Women: Your work won't love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don't get any and you're promiscuous.
 
Myth #6: Attention, Single Men: You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous, and gay.
 
Myth #7: Attention, Single Parents: Your kids are doomed.
 
Myth #9: Poor Soul: You will grow old alone and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.
 
Myth #10: Family Values: Let's give all of the perks, benefits, gifts, and cash to couples and call it family values.
 
"With elegant analysis, wonderfully detailed examples, and clear and witty prose, DePaulo lays out the many, often subtle denigrations and discriminations faced by single adults in the U.S.  She addresses, too, the resilience of single women and men in the face of such singlism.  A must-read for all single adults, their friends and families, as well as social scientists and policy advocates."
---E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman
 

 

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

DePaulo fastidiously defines the various categories of singlehood-divorced, widowed or just plain never been married-and gives their struggle a voice in this intriguing cultural study. According to DePaulo, "singlism" is the pervasive discrimination single people face in politics and everyday life, though DePaulo makes it clear he isn't equating it with racism or sexism. Rather, DePaulo uncovers society's immediate associations-conscious and otherwise-with the word "single," including the implication of loneliness, homosexuality and/or a personal defect that prevents a single person from achieving the dubiously enshrined goal of marriage. In addition, this exhaustive study reveals how marriage has come to represent the foundation of both American society and politics, and how the resulting system of discrimination pervades even in this modern age of financial freedom-including increased tax burdens, decreased social security benefits, and real-world wage disparity. In identifying the stigmas of being single and debunking myths like "marrieds know best," DePaulo has given this complicated subject the attention and respect it deserves, opening a dialogue without offering any pat solutions.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"With elegant analysis, wonderfully detailed examples, and clear and witty prose, DePaulo lays out the many, often subtle denigrations and discriminations faced by single adults in the U.S.  She addresses, too, the resilience of single women and men in the face of such singlism.  A must-read for all single adults, their friends and families, as well as social scientists and policy advocates."
---E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman

 

"It's time for America to become acquainted with its new 'unmarried majority.' Singled Out debunks myths and stereotypes about single people and lays the groundwork for social, political, and economic change - change that is long overdue in government policies and business practices."

-- Thomas F. Coleman, Executive Director, Unmarried America

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 336 pages
• Publisher: St. Martin's Press; First Edition edition (November 14, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312340818
• ISBN-13: 978-0312340810
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (41 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #921,346 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #80 in Books > Travel > Specialty Travel > Solo Travel

More About the Author

I'm Bella DePaulo. I'm a 50-something year old and I have always been single. I love my single life. But I do not love all of the ridiculous assumptions people make about me when they first meet me and learn that I am single. (No, I do not spend my evenings crying in my beer.) I'm also a social scientist (with a PhD in social psychology from Harvard). I write about singles with a passion. My work on this topic (and others) has appeared in publications such as the New York Times, the New Yorker, the Washington Post, Time magazine, and many others. There have been feature stories in Psychology Today and the AARP magazine. I've also been on the Today show and other morning shows, CNN, NPR, and many others. I've written op-eds for publications such as the New York Times, Newsday, the San Francisco Chronicle, Forbes, and the Chronicle of Higher Education. I have been a visiting professor of psychology at UC Santa Barbara since 2000. I think that makes me a permanent visitor. Get in touch if you would like to hire me to speak at your event.

My first book on singles was "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After." My second is a collection of 89 essays, "Single with Attitude: Not Your Typical Take on Health and Happiness, Love and Money, Marriage and Friendship."

I am also an expert on the social psychology of lying. I wrote a short book, "Behind the Door of Deceit: Understanding the Biggest Liars in Our Lives." I also published a collection of professional papers, "The Lies We Tell and the Clues We Miss." You can read more about all of my work on my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

100 of 109 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars A good case somewhat weakened by new dogma, December 17, 2006

By 

Brian V. Hunt "Brian V. Hunt" (Bellevue, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (Hardcover)

"Singled Out" has some very good information and makes solid points about the subtlty of the constraining aspects of culture that define segments of the culture considered out of the norm, like single people. Where it falls down is in creating its own dogma about coupledom that is strident and seems to want to negate any consideration of merit for partnering.

I wrote my original review when only about halfway through this book. I wanted to update the review with my final impressions, which ended up farther toward the positive end of the scale.

In general, I think DePaulo is onto something very important here, insofar as trying to de-pathologize singlehood and encourage the inclusion of many more definitions of relationship and family than is currently allowed. Not only is society already changed beyond going back, it was never the mythological construct we imagined existed in everyone's house but ours.

I enjoyed the book most where DePaulo shines: in sticking to statistics or an academic presentation of facts that help to demythologize both marriage and the single life. This included findings from scholarly studies and a revealing look at how society interprets in different ways behavior that is similar between singles and couples.

The author is least appealing when repeatedly seeming to sneer at or dismiss intimate bonds between couples entirely. One case made for the immaturity of people who marry was facile, denigrating, and two-dimensional. It's not that she didn't present some valid points to consider but it was hard for me as a reader to get beyond what seemed like a fair amount of anger towards the very idea of coupledom.

DePaulo rightly deplores singles being portrayed as cardboard figures with only one thing on their mind: marriage. Then she turns around and portrays most coupling-type folk as cardboard figures with only one thing on their mind. She seems to take the stance that she's accusing society of bestowing upon marrieds by making singlehood the morally superior path.

What I like is that her discussion rejects the pathology of singlehood. What I don't like is a lack of consideration that intimate pairing may have emotional rewards and benefits that are legitimate, even if not being superior to the emotional lives of singles.

What's missing for me is a discussion of intimacy. Whether a person is single or married, deep attachment and emotional intimacy seems closely tied to emotional health as determined by a number of measures. It's unclear to me where this fits into the broader discussion of DePaulo's topic.

I'm very happy that this book seeks to eliminate the bias against singles and to demythologize marriage. I thought I had already left many of the myths of "The One" behind but this book made me more aware of the subtle markers that culture leaves on our psyches in regards to single status. I can honestly sense a shift in my own thinking about this issue, and that, I appreciate.

46 of 51 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Single this book Out for Superb Reading, December 23, 2006

By 

Dr Cathy Goodwin (Seattle, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (Hardcover)

Almost any single person has been affected by myth and stigma. Supposedly we're misfits with empty lives, doomed to die alone, frustrated at never achieving the perfection of coupledom. Finally, someone lets the cat out of the bag. We're normal and happy.

I had heard of the author when I was an academic and even cited some of her articles in my own research. Then out of the blue, she asked permission to use a quote from me in this book. I was delighted with the request and the topic.

Having read DePaulo's academic articles, I anticipated a superb book and I was not disappointed. In fact, Singled Out vastly exceeded my expectations. I've given away 2 copies. One recipient said she bought 4 more to give away. And we don't usually buy books, let alone give them as gifts.

Unlike many popular psychology authors, DePaulo uses her research training to make significant points. The book is worth reading just to go through Chapter 2, an eye-opening look at the way research results can be distorted to meet an agenda. And any single person will laugh out loud at DePaulo's opening satire: What if we subjected married people to the indignities, frustrations and hassles that single people take for granted.

DePaulo asks, "What does research tell us about the specific benefits of paired relationships?" In fact, it's only in the last hundred years or so that the "pack of two" became privileged in our culture.

After reading Singled Out, I found myself seeing the world differently. I keep picking up hidden messages everywhere, especially movies and television. A singles column in my local paper really should be called relationship seeking. Singles groups? More of the same.

However, I do see signs of hope. For example, the Doonesbury comic strip featured a celebration of singleness. A columnist in the Chronicle of Higher Education advised a questioner to prioritize her career over her relationship: good jobs, said the columnist, can be scarcer than good mates.

And although Sex and the City did get everyone coupled up at the end, as DePaulo points out, we did get glimpses of smart, attractive women who went to movies alone. What single person can forget the scene where Miranda's law firm colleagues assume "single" is code for "lesbian?"

But we've got a long, long way to go. As DePaulo points out, everything from tax codes to medical services to vacation packages favors couples. Doctors frequently assume our symptoms have neurotic origins; "just get married and your symptoms will go away" or, "You're alone so you have time to make up symptoms." Famous singles get asked about their dating life (do we really care if Condoleeza Rice has a boyfriend?) and single politicians lack credibility. The consequences for singles and for society are huge.

On a lighter note, this book solves the problem of what married couples can give their single friends. Give them this book and buy an extra copy for yourself. You'll all change for the better.

23 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A voice in the wilderness, December 11, 2006

By 

Francois Arouet (San Francisco, CA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (Hardcover)

With all the recent brouhaha surrounding marriage, marriage, marriage, here comes Bella DePaulo to clear the air and pull the wool from over our eyes. Though written by an expert who knows her stuff this book is not what you'd expect from an academic and that alone is a breath of fresh air. It's a fun read. If you are single and have been brainwashed into feeling like a second class citizen, or if you are married and feel concern for your single friends or children, then this book should be at the top of your list. It's time to stop mourning and begin the celebration. This is a book that really needed to be written and it stands unique amongst the droll, vapid, shallow, drivel that represents the nickle-and-dime 'wisdom' of the 'self-help' genre. Though I have always loved the single life I will never look at it in quite the same way again. Bella DePaulo is a much need voice in the wilderness. The PERFECT gift for those who are single (for any reason) and worry about the future or those parents ridiculously tormented over their single children. I don't know why it took Bella DePaulo to open our eyes to the obvious fact that Eisenhower isn't president any more but I guess we should our victories as we find them. Singled Out is unique. There is nothing else like it. What a joy!