Customer Reviews

Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After

5 star:		(30)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

"Singled Out" has some very good information and makes solid points about the subtlty of the constraining aspects of culture that define segments of the culture considered out of the norm, like single people. Where it falls down is in creating its own dogma about coupledom that is strident and seems to want to negate any consideration of merit for partnering.

I wrote my original review when only about halfway through this book. I wanted to update the review with my final impressions, which ended up farther toward the positive end of the scale.

In general, I think DePaulo is onto something very important here, insofar as trying to de-pathologize singlehood and encourage the inclusion of many more definitions of relationship and family than is currently allowed. Not only is society already changed beyond going back, it was never the mythological construct we imagined existed in everyone's house but ours.

I enjoyed the book most where DePaulo shines: in sticking to statistics or an academic presentation of facts that help to demythologize both marriage and the single life. This included findings from scholarly studies and a revealing look at how society interprets in different ways behavior that is similar between singles and couples.

The author is least appealing when repeatedly seeming to sneer at or dismiss intimate bonds between couples entirely. One case made for the immaturity of people who marry was facile, denigrating, and two-dimensional. It's not that she didn't present some valid points to consider but it was hard for me as a reader to get beyond what seemed like a fair amount of anger towards the very idea of coupledom.

DePaulo rightly deplores singles being portrayed as cardboard figures with only one thing on their mind: marriage. Then she turns around and portrays most coupling-type folk as cardboard figures with only one thing on their mind. She seems to take the stance that she's accusing society of bestowing upon marrieds by making singlehood the morally superior path.

What I like is that her discussion rejects the pathology of singlehood. What I don't like is a lack of consideration that intimate pairing may have emotional rewards and benefits that are legitimate, even if not being superior to the emotional lives of singles.

What's missing for me is a discussion of intimacy. Whether a person is single or married, deep attachment and emotional intimacy seems closely tied to emotional health as determined by a number of measures. It's unclear to me where this fits into the broader discussion of DePaulo's topic.

I'm very happy that this book seeks to eliminate the bias against singles and to demythologize marriage. I thought I had already left many of the myths of "The One" behind but this book made me more aware of the subtle markers that culture leaves on our psyches in regards to single status. I can honestly sense a shift in my own thinking about this issue, and that, I appreciate.

Almost any single person has been affected by myth and stigma. Supposedly we're misfits with empty lives, doomed to die alone, frustrated at never achieving the perfection of coupledom. Finally, someone lets the cat out of the bag. We're normal and happy.

I had heard of the author when I was an academic and even cited some of her articles in my own research. Then out of the blue, she asked permission to use a quote from me in this book. I was delighted with the request and the topic.

Having read DePaulo's academic articles, I anticipated a superb book and I was not disappointed. In fact, Singled Out vastly exceeded my expectations. I've given away 2 copies. One recipient said she bought 4 more to give away. And we don't usually buy books, let alone give them as gifts.

Unlike many popular psychology authors, DePaulo uses her research training to make significant points. The book is worth reading just to go through Chapter 2, an eye-opening look at the way research results can be distorted to meet an agenda. And any single person will laugh out loud at DePaulo's opening satire: What if we subjected married people to the indignities, frustrations and hassles that single people take for granted.

DePaulo asks, "What does research tell us about the specific benefits of paired relationships?" In fact, it's only in the last hundred years or so that the "pack of two" became privileged in our culture.

After reading Singled Out, I found myself seeing the world differently. I keep picking up hidden messages everywhere, especially movies and television. A singles column in my local paper really should be called relationship seeking. Singles groups? More of the same.

However, I do see signs of hope. For example, the Doonesbury comic strip featured a celebration of singleness. A columnist in the Chronicle of Higher Education advised a questioner to prioritize her career over her relationship: good jobs, said the columnist, can be scarcer than good mates.

And although Sex and the City did get everyone coupled up at the end, as DePaulo points out, we did get glimpses of smart, attractive women who went to movies alone. What single person can forget the scene where Miranda's law firm colleagues assume "single" is code for "lesbian?"

But we've got a long, long way to go. As DePaulo points out, everything from tax codes to medical services to vacation packages favors couples. Doctors frequently assume our symptoms have neurotic origins; "just get married and your symptoms will go away" or, "You're alone so you have time to make up symptoms." Famous singles get asked about their dating life (do we really care if Condoleeza Rice has a boyfriend?) and single politicians lack credibility. The consequences for singles and for society are huge.

On a lighter note, this book solves the problem of what married couples can give their single friends. Give them this book and buy an extra copy for yourself. You'll all change for the better.

With all the recent brouhaha surrounding marriage, marriage, marriage, here comes Bella DePaulo to clear the air and pull the wool from over our eyes. Though written by an expert who knows her stuff this book is not what you'd expect from an academic and that alone is a breath of fresh air. It's a fun read. If you are single and have been brainwashed into feeling like a second class citizen, or if you are married and feel concern for your single friends or children, then this book should be at the top of your list. It's time to stop mourning and begin the celebration. This is a book that really needed to be written and it stands unique amongst the droll, vapid, shallow, drivel that represents the nickle-and-dime 'wisdom' of the 'self-help' genre. Though I have always loved the single life I will never look at it in quite the same way again. Bella DePaulo is a much need voice in the wilderness. The PERFECT gift for those who are single (for any reason) and worry about the future or those parents ridiculously tormented over their single children. I don't know why it took Bella DePaulo to open our eyes to the obvious fact that Eisenhower isn't president any more but I guess we should our victories as we find them. Singled Out is unique. There is nothing else like it. What a joy!

XXXXX

"I do wish married people would understand that a lot of singles actually WANT to be single. Why does that bother you?...It is like the story my (happily married) friend...likes to tell about meeting the late Ann Landers, who said, `You tell that Richard Roeper to figure out what's keeping him from getting married and to fix it!'""

The above is found in this meticulously well-researched book by social psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo (who is unmarried herself). (Specifically, the above quotation comes from an essay written by movie critic (of TV's "At the Movies with Ebert & Roeper") and columnist Richard Roeper's reaction to two married friends who wanted Roeper to get married.)

I think it's important for people to know what social psychology is: it is that branch of psychology that concentrates on any and all aspects of human behaviour that involve persons and their relationships to other persons, groups, social institutions, and to society as a whole. Social psychology exchanges freely ideas, models, and methods with other social sciences, particularly sociology.

This is why I chose this book. It's based on an objective social science (or, at least, it tries to be) and not on subjective opinions. This book is not a "diatribe" or a rant.

The best chapter in this book, in my opinion, has the title, "Science and the Single Person." Here, DePaulo looks at data and their numbers with regard to different kinds of people (single, married, divorced, etc.). She then interprets the data. The final conclusions are eye-opening and completely unexpected.

Then we proceed to examine the myths of being single that form the core of this book. Here are the myths that each form an independent chapter for analysis:

Myth #1: Marrieds (that is, married couples) know best.
Myth #2: You are just interested in one thing--getting coupled.
Myth #3: You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.
Myth #4: Like a child, you are self-centered and immature and your time isn't worth anything since you have nothing to do but play.
Myth #5: (For single women). Your work won't love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don't get any, and your promiscuous.
Myth #6: (For single men). You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or, you are sexy, fastidious. frivolous, and gay.
Myth #7: (For single parents). Your kids are doomed.
Myth #8: You don't have anyone and you don't have a life.
Myth #9: You will grow old alone and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.
Myth #10: (Regarding the term "family values"). Let's give all the perks, benefits, gifts, and cash to couples and call it family values.

In all chapters, Depaulo delves into history, tells us true stories, and logically analyzes arguments.

Finally, you would expect a book like this to be overly harsh on married people or couples. Actually, it's not. The book tries to be fair and balanced.

In conclusion, this book is an intriguing cultural study that gives a complicated subject the attention and respect it deserves. I leave you with other quotations regarding marriage and the single life (the title of this review is actually a quotation uttered by Mae West):

(i) Marriage is like a besieged fortress. Everyone outside wants to get in, and everyone inside wants to get out. (Quitard)
(ii) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (comedian Rodney Dangerfield)
(iii) People think I'm gay because I'm single, slim, and neat. (comedian Jerry Seinfeld in the sitcom "Seinfeld")

(First published late 2007; 15 chapters; main narrative 260 pages; notes; bibliography; acknowledgements; index)

<<Stephen Pletko, London, Ontario, Canada>>

XXXXX

I have read several books about being single, but this is the most insightful and entertaining. Many of the things DePaulo speaks of have been exact situations I have been in many times, but when I challenged them I was told I was over-reacting or taking things too personally. So I was "wrong" all the time. To finally have some validation that these attitudes are really coming from people is a great comfort. It somehow acknowledges that twinge in the center of my body I feel whenever I hear someone say, "I'm not prejudiced, but...". Admitting that we are stereotyping an entire group of people, when everybody else is doing it especially, is hard for many of us to do. Justifying it, easy. DePaulo is right that singleism needs to be challenged and I applaud her bravery. I don't enjoy facing the wrath of those I challenge, but her book has been a push of confidence for me. I have not always been the "wrong" one.

There are some married people in my life that I wish would read this book, however, I doubt they would think the topic necessary or important enough to spend their time doing so. I wonder if it had been titled, "Marrieds Know Best", would they be more likely to pick it up? I'm glad to see in these reviews that there are marrieds who are reading it.

As a married baby boomer, I should have hated this book. But I didn't. DePaulo expresses her unconventional views with force and panache. As she notes, our culture is filled with prejudice against singles and it's just not fair. This blatant, crude, unapologetic "singlism" is bad for singles and for everyone else too. By pressuring people into ill-advised marriages, it sets them up for nasty divorces. All humane people should read this book and reflect on its eye-opening message.

This book is about one of the last forms of prejudice that is still socially acceptable, the stigmatization of people who are single. Contrary to some of the comments made, the author makes it clear from the start that this is not a book about putting down people who are married. The criticism is of married people and others who portray marriage as the only valid lifestyle choice for a mature adult and stereotype single people in such a way that they are portrayed as lesser human beings. I have observed that often, pioneers in exposing stigma of an out group get personally attacked for their "tone", especially if they present compelling arguments that are difficult to reasonably refute.

This is not a book about victims, but rather, a book about the resiliency of single people who have managed to prosper in spite of the negative stereotypes and discrimmination. In each chapter, DePaulo exposes and systematically refutes myths about singles that many in our culture have taken for granted. One of the most prevalent myths is that singles don't "have anybody" when research shows that always single people, especially women have the strongest social support networks. She illustrates how our culture has belittled any relationships other than marriage as unimportant when in fact, friendships and relationships with siblings are just as important and often longer lasting.

The book also exposes how legitimate research can be misinterpreted in the popular media, especially when the data violate cherished beliefs and assumptions. The truth is that singles comprise a higher percentage of households than the traditional married couple with children. While the traditional household is a fulfulling choice for some people, when it comes to marriage, given the high divorce rate and the growing percentage of people who choose to be single and remain happy, clearly one size does not fit all. It is time to stop blaming and pathologizing people for failure to conform to the expectations of society that we all must marry and begin to recognize that differences in civil status are often due to normal, healthy differences in personality and temperament. I have written a lengthier review of this book on my blog:

[...]

Of course, Dr. DePaulo's work does give fair treatment to every other category of singles in SINGLED OUT, but it is one of the few books that I have found that seriously (yet humorously) explores the facts and fiction about the growing population of women who are living positive and productive lives without marriage and children, either by choice or circumstance.

But she also touches on something else - a change - which I've noticed over the past 30 years or so at least in the U.S. The push for marriage has turned decidedly political and mean-spirited. It is one thing when a society assumes people beyond a certain age will marry. (I remember when an ashtray and lighter sat on every coffee table since we assumed every adult smoked.) It is quite another thing to habitually proclaim that coupledom - ideally leading to marriage and children - is the only path to true adulthood and to persistently dwell on that point across the media. And it's just plain silly to repeat that proclamation when a growing number of individuals are proving it wrong. And, as DePaulo points out especially in the "Family Values" chapter, it's just plain discriminatory to extend benefits and extra compensation to people just for being married. (Particularly that chapter is a must-read for politicians and CEOs everywhere.)

Chapter 14 where DePaulo asks "Why does anybody care?" really drives it home for me. If marriage or coupledom is the obvious superior path to take and you and your mate have landed firmly on that path, that's nice ... but why be so strident about it? Why be so negative toward those who discover another way, at no expense to you? Why demean all other sustaining adult relationships? DePaulo offers important insight to those questions.

This book is everything it promises to be and more. Not only is it timely, comprehensive, and meticulously researched, it manages to completely avoid that patronizing "oh, you poor unfulfilled loser" tone that characterizes even those books that purport to "celebrate" singlehood. Instead of providing "coping" strategies for being single, Bella dePaulo cuts right to the real question - why singlehood is even considered something that needs to be "coped" with in the first place - and smacks down the junk science and media hype that feed that myth. Moreover, she never loses her perspective or sense of humor in doing so.

"Singled Out" is a great - and very educational - read for anyone who is looking for a lively, reality-based exploration of what it really means to be single in a marriage-obsessed society. I could not recommend it more highly.

This is a powerful book. I am particularly pleased to have it available now, since I am very nearly sixty, and have watched as all the crosses burn on the front yard of feminism. The book points out with great care and good humor how discrimination happens so subtly those who live within it can't manage to determine what is happening. The modern insistence on coupledom, with partner search as a primary activity, resolves nothing, but does serve to line the pocketbooks of everybody from Oscar de la Renta to the Avon lady. The book provides backup statistics and rational argument for those who want to throw away the plastic surgeon's card and suggest their parents, children, and community shut up and treat them with the level of respect they've earned regardless of their "partner" status.