Amazon deleted my original review (sadface!) Sorry Amazon, you asked for honesty, I am providing it.
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To whom it may Slushy-fy,
First off, thank you for such a fantastic idea. It has been my long standing dream in my 29 years upon this Earth to have, in my house, the ability to re-create the most deliciousness that I once had to journey towards 7-11 to fulfil. Now if you knew where I was from, you would know that this involved fighting off hordes upon hordes of homeless people asking for change, beer money, asking for a hook up, and propositioning me because I am apparently exquisite, for some unknown reason or low standards. With the new reasonable fear of a Zombie Apocolypse (homeless people smoke bath salts, 'cause they obviously don't use them correctly, have you smelled one lately?!) the thought of having my own little minislushifier within the palms of my hands was a dream come true. Its like finding Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, but not only finding chocolate, but Mr. December spoon feeding it to me with a spoon made of even more chocolate. Well, close to it anyway. Dude, its slushies, you can't beat that.
Anywho! Upon discovering this vast beauty located in a not-so-local WalGreens, my happiness meter jumped from "Oh gawd, I need tampons" to "HULLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SLUSHIES" (no I did not forget my lady things, I just happened to possibly mistakenly pick up cotton balls and twine). Of course, being the impatient person I am, I immediately ripped open that beautiful cyan blue box, with the happy children on the front, their precious cherub faces, gleaming at me with their cheery smiles as if to say, "Come to my slushy fountain, drink upon the abrosia of the Gods!". In my exuberance, I did happen to endure the brutal, stabbing wound of a papercut, and some may or may not have gotten on the cup. It is alright, we all need more iron in our diets. Joyfully, I threw the saline-filled-whatevers into the freezer in wait for my delicious slushy shakin' morning!
Cut to this morning. Like a kid on Christmas, I bounded down my hallway, possibly punting a cat and a 15 year old weiner dog. He may or may have not peed on the carpet. It is okay, for I was about to test your theory. I was going to create SNOW FLAKE MAGIC, BABIES, puppy powder room time can wait! Joyfully, with big, animelike eyes and cheeky grin, I gingerly removed the psuedo ice cubes, and poured the delicious soon to be fruited Berry Blast Mountain Dew along with it. Being ever so careful to reach the line, making sure the bubbles did not betray me and seem as if it was FULL but NOT (you know how that goes...) I carefully read the 2 lined instructions, and began my Snow Flake Mountaineering powers. The blue box with those kids on it grinning said it would happen. I believed them.
Why would children lie?
Placing my finger tip over the hole, I shook the LIVING CRAP outta that thing like that sucker owed me money, watching the blue liquid carefully, anticipating the sweet, sweet nector of my success to soon be mine. How can you go wrong with Mountain Dew all slushified? On a warm, Sunday morning when the birds are chirping, and bees are trying to have sex with them? Absolutely nothing! It is a dream to have slushified everything, from soda, to juices, to Kool-Aid, to Meatloaf. Slushythings make EVERYTHING BETTER. As I shook your product, dreams of slushy margaritas floated in my head until I realized something.
My arms hurt, and the carbonation of my Mountain Dew blew my finger off, coating me in some of my precious Dew, and giving me a moneyshot as if Violet Beauregarde gave me a facial. Now I digress, I did not give up, at all, as once I get on the road to Slushy-town, baby, this car doesn't make side trips. I resumed my shaking, despite the protest of my arms and sanity, in hopes of tasting delicious, Dew-Crustyness and joy. I thrashed that thing around with my hands, so hard and fast, in persuit of all ice, cold drinks alike, I may or may not have hit myself in the face with it, in either frustration or desperation to know that my $15.00 was well spent.
Regretfully, I must confess, as I sit here to type this breathy letter out to you, my end result is sore arms, a headache, very flat Mountain Dew, pissed off animals, and a disgruntled husband because, of course, this is all his fault. And possibly because I made him to go 7-11 and get me a slurpee. I cannot be sure of that fact.
So, in lieu of requesting my money back, I am more than happy to meet you half way and request the following:
1. Cat treats. The cat I punted is a Burmese. She already hates everyone but my husband, a common trait in this breed. So far she has put up with my continued breathing but now I fear for my life.
2. Puppy Diapers. Dog is incontinant. He's 15 years old, for pete's sake, THAT'S 105 IN HUMAN YEARS. HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT HE ISN'T. HE KEEPS LIVING. HE HAS TO HAVE SMOKED BATHSALTS! But he has no teeth so I'm safe for now.
3. Ben-Gay. My arms hurt. Or Tiger Balm. More animal friendly, and less politically correct.
4. $1.29 for my 7-11 slurpee fix.
5. $1.59, or a bottle of Berry Blast Mountain Dew, 20oz, with Batman on it. It has to have Batman on it. That awesome movie is coming out soon. You should see it.
6. Send me one of those kids on the box to shake my Slushy Magic for me. I see now those aren't happy, angelic little cherubs all happy with Slushy and Snow Flake Magic. I now see the truth that they are ADHD monsters hell bent on making me slushies. I would like the one with less teeth because I bet they bite.
7. Leash for said child on box. Cage and litterbox too. What do they eat? Oh, they can eat Slushies.
8. Actually, better send me two of them, incase one's defective, or needs to go to school or something. It's okay, tax write off.
9. Raffi, the world wide singer of such famous tunes such as "Baby Beluga", "Bananaphone", and "Down by the Bay". The kids gotta listen to something, right?
10. I would also like Charlie Sheen portraying his infamous character from Two and a Half Men, Charlie Harper, portraying an even more infamous rendition of a childhood music star, Charlie Waffles. This would just be really really cool.
Thank you for your time in reading this long winded rant, as I will just end it with the simplistic version, or the Too Long, Didn't Read Cliffs Notes:
It didn't work as intended, and did not Slushy-Fy my life. And, being from California, aside from some spoiled little brat you want to backhand into the Barbie Doll section of Wal*Mart, what the hell is a snow flake, anyway, and why do THEY get magic? :(