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10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love Paperback – March 1, 2006

4.8 out of 5 stars 28 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Joe Kort is a certified Imago Therapist, a member of the National Association of Gay Addiction Professionals, the Academy of Certified Social Workers, and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He is adjunct professor at Wa
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 370 pages
  • Publisher: Alyson Books (March 1, 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1555838987
  • ISBN-13: 978-1555838980
  • Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 0.9 x 9.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #373,931 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By Desiderata Desiderata on January 27, 2006
Format: Paperback
I've been doing workshops for a men's group here in New York and this book as well as Mr. Kort's previous text have been excellent resources. Not only the scenarios but the root causes of why men develop as they do in relationship to their sexuality are excellent. The referencing to Erik Erikson and Harville Hendrix (tests I also utilize) as well as the specific application of the tomes to activities and insights is stellar. What surprise dme most about the book was how it balanced accessible language and yet was able to present enough psychological/psychiatric/therapeutic language/technique for the lay person to understand. A lot of the "why's" about men and sexuality and actions and integrity or lack thereof was answered. One of the things I constantly do in my groups now is remind the men how they were socialized as boys, how it was enforced/beaten out of them not to portray their sexuality or sexual thoughts/interests and how this indoctrination carries over and manifests itself in adult life. You can literally watch the lightbulbs of enlightenment go off in the heads of the men as they start to link simple things like sit still, don't flounce, don't sigh, don't cry, don't whine, don't, don't don't---in order to be masculine/a "man" to being what caused a lot of confusion. What happens to someone who's identity is constantly challenged, taunted, corrected---they adopt an identity that is pleasing to the masses, however they are then thrust into a society where the two identites--one false and one repressed are incongruous and therefore enter into a lifestyle that has very few mature standards/practices.

Suddenly men make sense!

I've already gone on to Mr.
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Format: Paperback
I bought this book for a friend for christmas, but after I'd wrapped all the presents, I ended up with it left over, couldn't remember who I bought it for, so kept it for myself. That turned out to be a wonderful serendipity.

Kort's work is probably the most deeply insightful exploration I've read of the influences of family of origin issues, internalized homophobia, and other baggage that gay men experience, and how those factors, as well as subtle peer influences within the gay community and other factors affect us, and, in turn, how we select partners and how we relate to them.

I've read a lot of the psychology literature, both clinical and popular, on gay men and the special issues they face, but I think Kort has done the best job yet of weaving all of the pieces together in a way that is insightful and really helps the reader understand *why* we choose the partners we do, the actions we take that are driven by our unconscious, and particularly how all of the behaviors we bring to relationships have their roots in our childhood and other internalized life experiences.

Some of the insights he describes in the case histories of couples he has worked with are just extraordinary, as though finding the "needle in a haystack" that is the root cause of a partner's insecurities or inappropriate actions/behaviors. Almost everyone reading the book will find portions of the book that will resonate with their own experience, and there were several times when I was reading it where I experienced major "Aha" moments as it described feelings or behaviors I'd experienced but could never quite explain or understand.
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It really is a very in depth depiction of the Gay dilemma. Those of us who are fortunate/unfortunate enough to go through this will agree that nothing is easy about being a homosexual. As I read further into the book, I found myself identifying very closely to what the author wrote about. In fact, his detailed description of the common mental issues of homosexual teens and young men are so close to home that I often find myself tearing up because of all the repressed memories. This book is a great book not only for self-help but it also puts our issues in perspective. I haven't finished it but I'm looking forward to what else he has written.
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I love this book. I ordered it because it is being recommended by the Fenway Communty Health Center in Boston and I am an older, late in life ex-closet case, and am awkward in the affairs of dating and the variety of options in the gay world. This book is so much more as the author does an excellent job helping us understand our common archetypes and predominant patterns associated with socializing in an unwelcome world. He helps us understand the common defenses gay men develop and while useful in earlier days given the predicament of young vulnerable gay men, he also helps us understand the problems with these internalized fears of self esteem problems and the problems these defenses cause us as we grow. In fact they hinder us. He advocates for consciousness and helps understand the core issues within us including those he had wtnessed as part of his psychotherapy work with gay men and couples. I can relate to his description of the maladaptive personality problems and he has hoped me see my shadow side, the ideal path for recovery and some tools for building and sustaining healthy gay marriages and partnerships. He has wonderful knowledge and writing skills to help us all use language to support us and normalizing us socially. He presents some scientific research that proves that homophobes in lab studies have an extremely high erectile response to homoerotic pornography while non homophobes measure little to none erectile stimulation presented with the same images. His arguments are both developed and written very well. Finally, he shows us the importance of integrating our shadow or subconscious minds into our adult personas.Read more ›
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