Customer Reviews

10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love

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I've been doing workshops for a men's group here in New York and this book as well as Mr. Kort's previous text have been excellent resources. Not only the scenarios but the root causes of why men develop as they do in relationship to their sexuality are excellent. The referencing to Erik Erikson and Harville Hendrix (tests I also utilize) as well as the specific application of the tomes to activities and insights is stellar. What surprise dme most about the book was how it balanced accessible language and yet was able to present enough psychological/psychiatric/therapeutic language/technique for the lay person to understand. A lot of the "why's" about men and sexuality and actions and integrity or lack thereof was answered. One of the things I constantly do in my groups now is remind the men how they were socialized as boys, how it was enforced/beaten out of them not to portray their sexuality or sexual thoughts/interests and how this indoctrination carries over and manifests itself in adult life. You can literally watch the lightbulbs of enlightenment go off in the heads of the men as they start to link simple things like sit still, don't flounce, don't sigh, don't cry, don't whine, don't, don't don't---in order to be masculine/a "man" to being what caused a lot of confusion. What happens to someone who's identity is constantly challenged, taunted, corrected---they adopt an identity that is pleasing to the masses, however they are then thrust into a society where the two identites--one false and one repressed are incongruous and therefore enter into a lifestyle that has very few mature standards/practices.
Suddenly men make sense!
I've already gone on to Mr. kort's site and plan on finding a way to travel across the country to attend his workshops and I have made both of his books a staple in my workshops and college level classes. If you're stuck in bad dates, bad relationships, unhappy with your lifestyle's results, confused about what to do now that you've declared a sexuality, this book is key in helping the normal person "feel normal" abotu their identity. One day this and perhaps half a dozen books will be prescribed in schools around teh country to not simply help men (and women) figure out this nebulous/variable area of sexuality (sexual orientation and sexual behaviour two entire different things) to the point of identity satisfaction. My only criticism of the book would be that it had another 200 pages in it that could've been created to outline more couples/individuals to illustrate a variety of issues. Ok, that would make it easier for me to break it down for others and teach but the intellectual density of this book made me want to have some parts that were snippets and could be used outside of the larger chapters.

I bought this book for a friend for christmas, but after I'd wrapped all the presents, I ended up with it left over, couldn't remember who I bought it for, so kept it for myself. That turned out to be a wonderful serendipity.

Kort's work is probably the most deeply insightful exploration I've read of the influences of family of origin issues, internalized homophobia, and other baggage that gay men experience, and how those factors, as well as subtle peer influences within the gay community and other factors affect us, and, in turn, how we select partners and how we relate to them.

I've read a lot of the psychology literature, both clinical and popular, on gay men and the special issues they face, but I think Kort has done the best job yet of weaving all of the pieces together in a way that is insightful and really helps the reader understand *why* we choose the partners we do, the actions we take that are driven by our unconscious, and particularly how all of the behaviors we bring to relationships have their roots in our childhood and other internalized life experiences.

Some of the insights he describes in the case histories of couples he has worked with are just extraordinary, as though finding the "needle in a haystack" that is the root cause of a partner's insecurities or inappropriate actions/behaviors. Almost everyone reading the book will find portions of the book that will resonate with their own experience, and there were several times when I was reading it where I experienced major "Aha" moments as it described feelings or behaviors I'd experienced but could never quite explain or understand.

This book is apparently not as popular as his first book, probably because it is not a breezy, shallow book that you can read with little life impact; this is a book packed with useful information, and while it takes some time to absorb and understand and integrate what he's saying, it is well worth the effort.

I've since bought copies for two other friends, and both have enjoyed it as much as I did.

If you only buy one book on gay relationships (or, for that matter, emotional adjustment issues and happiness for gay men), I believe this is the book you should buy.

This book was filled with really great information and made me question a lot of things in my own life. Highly recommended reading for any homosexual looking for some enlightenment or direction in their life.

Let me start out by stating that I am not an avid book reader nor a professional counselor. However, when the pain of staying the same became greater than the pain of changing, I started looking for help. I purchased this well written and thought provoking, book by Dr. Joe Kort. This book has played a significant role on my journey toward making some overdue changes in my life.

This book has helped me to understand myself and why I act and re-act the way I do in society and in my personal relationships. For so long, it has been too easy for me to blame other people for problems in my relationships rather than to look at myself and the sum total of my life experiences.

Joe has given an in depth look (rather than a glossy coating) using examples from his practice, Dr. Kort demonstrates what can be changed or improved about one's self, before getting into a relationship, during the relationship, and exiting the relationship. This is where so many gay men get into relationship pitfalls, they are not willing to look at the "Man in the Mirror". I had several "Aha" moments as I read the book. I enjoyed the way that Joe has pushed the envelope of conventional therapy to assist his clients and the readers to find the answer which is right for their particular situation - not just the text book molded answer.

Again, only purchase this book if you are willing to change your life.

An excellent resource for understanding your lifestyle and how to help you deal with others in your growth process.
Highly Recommended!
:)

Not every chapter will be a gold mine for everyone, but you will find something there for you. And it will be very helpful. Joe Kort has years of experience as a therapist for gay men. In this book he shares those years of experience gained from hundreds of clients. He presents many situations that we gay men face, from being bullied to being gay and married (to a woman), from sexual addiction to coming out. Your story will be here. He follows with explanations and advice that help you understand yourself and your relationship. His insights and advice are based on his actual experiences with his clients. He knows what works.

I truly enjoyed this book. My second gay relationship self help book and I was very impressed with his analysis and stories. I really think it has helped me improve the way I look at potential relationships. I would recommend this.

A well-rounded, honest and powerful book that should be on everyone's shelf. The author has done made a masterful job of speaking the truth to this often overlooked, misguided topic. I have used his writings with my own clients and in my own life. Joe Kort is not only a scholar, but a gentleman. I cannot imagine how or WHY anyone would say anything less than positive about his work (or ANY of his books, for that matter). He might just turn out to be the single, most important author to write on this subject. This is a ground-breaking book and strongly recommended. I cannot wait for your next one !

This is one of Joe's best! It was extremely helpful at a crucial time

I found this book very useful, both for myself and in practice. The language is straightforward and easy to understand, so it can be useful for people who don't have a background in psychology or other helping professions. The book has offered insight into my relationships and ways to work on future ones. I liked the examples as concrete and real people who have dealt with these issues. Of course not all of the examples are going to end well though. Some needed to move on as Mr. Kort pointed out.
I would recommend this book to any gay man who has ever been in or wants to be in a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise.