Customer Reviews

Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives

5 star:		(27)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I just finished reading _10 Smart Things..._ and I must agree with previous assessments that the book is a bit self-congratulatory. While I certainly would have welcomed this book when I was in my early 20s (I'm in my 30s now), I do feel that there are a number of paths to ultimate self-actualization than the grow-up/get-married approach Kort advocates here. Don't get me a wrong: it's an approach that works for a lot of people, and it is an approach that will work for many, but not all gay men.

I also have a problem with the way Kort glosses over the intersectionality among race/ethnicity, class and sexuality. Kort mentions being raised a Jew, but doesn't explore how being Jewish informs his being gay. As an African-American kid who grew up poor, but "made good" and got Ivy-league degrees, I can wholely testify that my journey to self-actualization was (and continues to be) fraught with challenges that being gay only complicated. It is this intersection I wish he had explored more because ethnicity and class create complications that should be integrated when addressing sexuality. For example, according to Kort, the whole "DL" phenomenon in African American communities is explained away as a guys stuck at Stage One in the coming out process (identity confusion). But a culturally informed view would recognize that DL guys can NEVER identify as gay--gay is seen as a white identity, and being on the DL is the best he can do to acknowledge his sexuality and remain "authentically black." I'm not affirming this as a healthy outlook (far from it), but it does point to Kort's culturally narrow view (white and middle class) of the construction of a mentally healthy gay man. Kort should realize that men of color and men from different classes have to construct their sexualities with their differences in mind, and can construct them in healthy ways that don't embracing the white, middle-class gay identity as it has been popularized in the media.

My other major criticism is the assumption that a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship is the healthy "gold standard" for having a completely self-actualized life. Kort backpedals from completely making this assertion outright. But there are no examples of men who chose to be single and are completely self-actualized and happy! These men have wonderfully fulfilling friendships that provide much of the intimacy that Kort seems to be saying you can only find in a monogamous relationship. The assumption that only monogamy is healthy is pretty harsh too. True, many open relationships are dysfunctional--but so are many monogamous ones. I've seen loads of healthy, non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships. These relationships are actually HARDER to maintain, but when the folks in them are committed to them, I don't see them as any less healthy than the monogamous ones. Also, Kort seems to gloss over the observation that many of us know: we know of more long-term non-monogamous relationships than monogamous ones. In fact, of all the 25 or so relationships I know that are 10 years or longer, only one is monogamous.

Don't get me wrong: Kort has made a valuable contribution to the cannon of self-help books for gay men. I just wish it was a bit more inclusive.

I stumbled upon to this book on a display table on gay literature at a local book store. Yes! The picture of the cute author on the cover was the very first thing that caught my eye. Sorry, guys--he's married! However, when I gleamed through the table of contents and read the first chapter--I could not put it down! I have read enough gay, self-help psychology books to know this is the best of all. Kort is a trained psychotherapist, who offers his personal experiences and those of his clients to clarify why we as gay men "act out" and instructs us how to empower ourselves to changes our negative behavior(s) and attitude(s)--no matter how entrenched we they think they are. I was not until I read this book that I realized that I harbored some degree of internalized homophobia or heterosexism. According to the author there are some thought patterns and actions are very subtle and exists on a subconscious level, e.g. being non-commital in relationships, gay men's obession with youth and the perfect male physique over other qualities in our search for the perfect boyfriend, catty, hurtful insults gay men say to and about each other, etc. I highly recommend this book. It's written in a clear, direct, understandable style--not leaden with heavy obtuse, psycho-babble. I assure you it will set you in the right path towards developing a healthier, happier perspective on life.

Joe Kort's book is full of good intentions, great advice and packed with real life examples. Although the contents are factual and certainly have real meaning for any gay man who reads it, it's still a brief summary. If Mr. Kort had added more diverse examples of gay men's hardships and how they overcame them, it would be even more helpful. However, that's a tricky prospect, as redundancy is a tough trap to avoid. I am saying that the book is terribly short for the immense amount of subject matter it attempts to cover. It seems to be geared toward the younger gay man (not necessarily in age) and can be viewed only as a short general guide. Perhaps another book addressing issues for happy single men may be forthcoming, as we do exist. It is still well-written, even if it does read as a tome.

This book helped me to realize I need to grow up and take responsibility of my maturing process as a gay man. I also found it helpful in dealing with my family and coming out, sexual issues, internalized homophobia, and pursuing the right relationship. The most disappointing aspect of this book was the author's use of patient anecdotes as opposed to more in depth analysis of the issues he addresses. The author uses lots of patient anecdotes, some of which are not all that relevant. Some of the anecdotes are about straight people, which is fine, and some of them apply equally to the gay experience, but I would have preferred a mostly gay perspective. There were also several patient anecdotes where the patient(s) just seemed to drop out of counseling and off the face of the earth, making the anecdote seem less applicable and diminishing the hope that counseling can make a difference. I wasn't quite sure of the point in using these particular patient anecdotes, but there are several of them. Otherwise, I gleaned some useful information from the book, which at times was a laborious read.

This is an interesting, engaging and reader friendly book that for the most part stays away from psychobabble and preachiness. He illustrates how the stunted emotional/psychological development of gay men is a result of our homophobic culture. The chapter on sexual compulsions/additions is also one of the best I've ever read. At times the book does feel a little self-congradulatory and also a promotion for imago therapy but dont let that stop you from reading it. It is well worth the money and has should be read by all gay men, single or partnered of any age.

This book changed my life in some extremely positive ways. It's written by a brilliant psychologist. This is where the book differs from others I've read. He goes into the psychological aspects of why gay men bahave the way they do and why people react the way they do. His book taught me that I too was expressing homophobia towards myself and others with things I'd say and do. His book literally changed my entire outlook on my life and set me on the path of actually being able to be happy with who I am and what I've accomplished. I'd recommend this book to anyone....because you're never too young or old to start improving your life!!

A must read for every gay man at any stage of his life. If you're just coming out, this will give you some strength and ideas how to avoid the pitfalls that are headed your way. If you've been out a while and are tired, bitter and conflicted about choices you've made, Joe gives examples and ideas about how to put your emotions in the correct context. It helped me get clear on things that I'd been avoiding in my own life. Now I'm off to therapy!

Since coming out to myself and to others, I have read numerous books about different aspects of affirming myself as a gay man. At last, Joe Kort has put it all together and more. He integrates so many aspects of what I, as a gay man, need to do to fully reach my potential. And he illustrates those steps so well with concrete examples. While most of the lessons are geared to gay men, many apply to all men. I also was able to pat myself on the back for the steps that I have taken and see more clearly where I have more to do.

Thanks, Joe.

I couldn't put this book down. Very well written and I think every gay man should buy this book. Covers many different issues that we gay men deal with.

Buy it today!

As a psychology student planning to specialize in gay and lesbian issues, I found this book to be of enormous help in understanding the challenges faced by gays - and even lesbians - everywhere. This is not the typical self-help book, full of stuff you already know. It's obvious that the practical information contained within is provided by someone intimately aware of the subject matter and with a genuine caring for those he hopes to help. This is a must-read not only for gays who are struggling to live a content, happy life, but also for family and friends of gay people everywhere. Well worth the price!