Customer Reviews

Snakeeater

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

"Snakeeater" starring Lorenzo Lamas is a delicious slice of funny-for-all-the-wrong-reasons 1980s movie making. This is yet another in the always-overblown ex-Special Forces soldier (here he's an ex-Marine from the famous "Search and Destroy" unit...) turned renegade cop genre, and it's certainly one of the most ridiculous. This is the first of a series of three "Snakeeater" films starring Lamas as "Soldier," and you know immediately that it's going to be a tough slog when the film opens with him singing "Kumbaya" (literally) while doing unconventional undercover work. The film immediately sets new standards for bad screenwriting when he confronts an attractive female drug dealer about the possibility of him wearing a hidden microphone: "You think I'm gonna' hide a wire in my underwear?" Unwilling to take a pass on that one, the writers actually make the poor woman respond "Honey, it looks like you've got the whole radio station!" This promptly gives way to a very unconventional drug bust and shows that Soldier's kind of like MacGyver with an extremely bad temper.

Suddenly the movie departs from that direction and shows a couple of parents and a very pretty teenage daughter on a dilapidated houseboat in a swamp. It goes without saying that moronic rednecks, led by the imaginatively named "Junior," kidnap the girl, kill the parents, and burn the boat. After a lengthy and pointless bar fight that does nothing to further the plot, Soldier is told that his parents were killed on a boat and his sister is missing. Needless to say, Soldier goes rogue and is out for revenge, all to a terrible 1980's electronic music soundtrack, after which some helpful citizens turn Soldier's Harley into a boat (!) which proves useful in the swamp.

Needless to say, Junior and associates are tormenting Soldier's little sister in all sorts of nefarious ways, including with a snake. Animals feature elsewhere in the film as well: I will let you discover the extraordinarily ridiculous "bear attack" subplot for yourself. The film has a little bit of everything including a "Play Misty For Me" knife scene, an utterly implausible bear trap entrapment scene, and a firefight using a sled as a shelter scene. Where can the film possibly go from there? Oh, how about the rarely attempted climactic action bulldozer scene with helicopter observation (and non-intervention) by the Sheriff? All ends well (of course) and a romance that budded in the swamp comes to fruition, just in time for hilarious coffee-mooching scenes (parts one and two,) and a reprise of "Kumbaya" as Soldier goes back undercover to catch an arsonist with a ploy that would make MacGyver blush. The film's closing theme song is especially noxious: make sure you listen to all the lyrics. If you are sad it's over, fear not: Lamas and Soldier return the following year in "Snakeeater II: The Drug Buster." For what it's worth I strongly recommend against watching both films in a single sitting.

The DVD comes with a few extras, including a few biographies (including one for Lamas, of course,) a very funny trailer, and my personal favorite, a tribute to Canadian Cinema (surprise!) in both French and English. They are so proud of this Canadian cheesefest tribute that it is an extra on all three of the "Snakeeater" DVDs! If you want an over-the-top movie full of completely bogus characters, terrible acting, and implausible events that is laugh-worthy for all the wrong reasons, "Snakeeater" is a good choice. Check out all three installments!

Bad writting - check. Bad acting - got it in spades. Nothing to recommend for this film. Skip it. Give the dog a bath instead. So bad it's funny, if that's possible.

This is a hilarious spoof (unintentional) of the Rambo-type films, where a loner veteran of the Special Forces (nicknamed the SnakeEyes) has run-ins with the law and the bad guys in the Southern Forest. Well-tanned hunk Lorenzo Lamas plays Soldier (creative, what?) whose family is mysteriously killed while on a houseboating 'adventure' in the back waters of the South, where inbreeding is apparently responsible for a family of idiots who are ill-clothed, ill-housed, and seriously stupid, yet have a whole arsenal of guns and ammunition and several boats that function quite well, thank you very much.

Well, it's soon apparent that not all of Mr. SnakeEyes' family has been killed. The sister Jennifer has been taken prisoner by the Mutant Brothers, led by the creatively-named 'Junior' (how do they think these names up?).

Sis is held in a ramshackle out building that is seemingly more cracks and holes than actual wood. She's kept there by a door locked with a board through metal brackets on the outside of the building. Solid, right? No escape, right? However, there is a good-sized window right next to the door that has had its glass broken out. It would be very easy for Sis to crawl through that window, but apparently the obvious escape route just doesn't prompt her to think of that. Maybe stupid is contagious?

Later, there is a shoot-out in the Mutant Brother's outbuilding. The thin boards that constitute the walls of the building seem just strong enough to prevent Soldier and Sis to survive a barrage of gunfire from the Mutant Bros. That is, until Soldier spots an even more protective barrier-a wheelbarrow.

It's pretty bad, but good for more than a few laughs. If you have nothing else to watch, there's the scene when soldier bursts out from the water, holding his rifle high over his head, with the magazine in his mouth. In slow motion!

An amazing amalgam of actors in their prime and a tight, well-balanced script makes for one of the best action movies ever. Lorenzo Lamas stars as "Soldier:" a head-case, former Special Forces cop who lives by his own rules. When his world crumbles around him, Soldier retreats to the only law he knows: his own. The action scenes are amazing, and the plot keeps you guessing from minute to minute. Filmed in the spectacular Canadian Eastern Wilderness, "SNAKEEATER" or "SNAKE-EATER" is a wonderful romp through the underbelly of human emotion and desire. Is there any greater commitment than love? Also not to be missed for the sake of hearing the beautiful and haunting title theme: "Soldier." "Soldier...where's your sister...." Another highlight is one of the Big Screen's greatest villains: The Dentist. Truly gorgeous. A hell of a lot better than "Kill Bill 2."

Lamas is great as Solider Kelly.... cool little film... Snakeeater is a great film for any Lamas fan!

LORENZO LLAMAS STARS AS VIGILANT EX-MARINE SEEKING SEEKING REVENGE ON THOSE WHO MURDERED HIS FAMILY.IT'S A GREAT MOVIE!!

Okay movie. nothing special. Effects are hokey, acting is bad (new jersey accents from canadian cops). But as for a certain scene with Lorenzo Lamas and Josie Bell hanging from a tree bagged-and-gagged (in which ropes obviously move around) Well, worth a few laughs or two.

Zonk is cast as Sgt. Bronsky (a jew?)
Det. in here with dumbo partner that
are trying to keep up with ex-Marine
'Snakeeater' Lamas as he goes after
bad guys. With roles like this, it's
no wonder Lamas is M.I.A. these days!
Funny bit with Zonk relieving himself
in coffee cup, putting lid down on it
giving it to wino, who begs $$ for cup
of joe. Zonk tells him; "Here friend,
have mine." Near end of movie, Zonk
gets him again, but this time the
vagrant tells him, "No, you can't fool
me again. This time I want sugar to put
in it!" Those are about the biggest lafs
in this lame movie. But it was Zonk's
1st movie role. Zonk has much better
role in OLN Series, 'Larry Csonka's
North To Alaska', with ex-Jacksonville
Bull mate, Audrey Bradshaw. Pls. don't
ask who the Jax Bulls were. Remember
the United States Football League and
check your ESPN Classic schedule! R.A.S