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20 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Someone Pull the Emergency Brake!, September 1, 2006
This review is from: Snakes on a Train (DVD)
Being a railroad conductor and generally a fan of snakes, I simply couldn't resist picking up "Snakes on a Train" for a depraved 2-day weekend reserved for lazing on the couch, quaffing copious amount of Dr. Pepper, inhaling chocolate, and thinking occasionally about the chores I should be doing. The gal at the check-out counter of my local dvd rental establishment gave me a dubious look and inquired, "You do know this isn't 'Snakes on a Plane'?" Yes, I knew. Apparently some individuals who couldn't read and can't tell a locomotive from a plane had rented it with higher expectations. I however was willing to take a chance, and wasn't expecting a masterpiece. It's entertainment. Hardly the worst I've seen (not as vapid as "Murdercycle"), but not close to "The Shining", or say the more recent "Jeepers Creepers". The plot centers around a Mexican Indian woman cursed by her own family for rejecting a wealthy suitor...the village shaman she chose instead accompanies her across the USA/Mexico border to a Southern Pacific train depot (yes, the SP of days gone by) where they coax thuggish stowaways in the baggage car into allowing them to board. Character development is weak, about on par with what you can find on late-night cable or the old USA Network productions from the late '80's through the '90's. Remember the flick with those slug-things that got inside people? Shades of that. Then again, If I wanted character development I would have gotten something boring and sentimental :) My major complaint is that there could have been a lot more spoofing and humor in this. About the funniest part was when the shaman runs over the top of the cars, finds the locomotive engineer smoking ~something~ out of a lightbulb, knocks him out a smashes up the engine's console--or what set crew thinks an audience will believe will pass for a locomotive's control console. I caught a glimpse of a picture which looked like it might have been the engineer and conductor laying down together shirtless...which really is neither here nor there, but provided the one laugh in a film offered numerous ripe opportunities for parody. The Conductor apparently forgets where the energency brake valve is and has some kind of breakdown...so when he is eaten by a snake, I didn't feel too bad. Incompetence! Of the snakes, plenty of Ball pythons (even an albino!), Boas and garter snakes...and waaay too much rattling for any of those. But I digress. There were some darkened shots of long-haul Amtrak passenger trains with Superliner equipment...and despite this, Amtrak (not to mention the Union Pacific, which owns the rights to the SP logo) did not appear in the credits. The crappy interiors of the crappy coaches used in this film date to the 1940's and thank goodness, are not used by Amtrak :o On second thought, It is probably a good thing Amtrak wasn't credited in any way for this production. So...to the frat boys and beer-blast entheusiasts, this is a good one to have on during rauccous gatherings when nobody is quite sure what is happening. And for railroaders on their off days...hey, you could do worse! Better to watch than work, right? ;)
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7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
These "Snakes" are missing in action., December 22, 2006
This review is from: Snakes on a Train (DVD)
Here's some advice: if you're gonna make a movie called "Snakes on a "Train", you might NOT wanna save the snakes until the last 5 minutes. Even more so about the ending, which involves not a Snake on a Train, but rather a train in a snake. No doubt about it. A die-hard fan of SNAKES ON A PLANE, I rented SOAT, and thought it would be good. Instead, it was just worse than I thought it would be. Here's what's wrong: 1. Firstoff, let me say that this movie is BORING- The snakes aren't even unleashed until the ending. 2. When I see a film with a tagline that includes "1000 venomous vipers", I EXPECT THERE TO BE VIPERS. THere was only one viper and the rest are just ball pythons and Garter Snakes (WTF?) 3. The characters are underdeveloped, and totally, are boring. 4. TERRIBLE S/FX! (Spoiler) WHen the chick turns into a basilisk at the end, the S/FX are terrible! So AVOID THIS AT ALL COSTS!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
*2.5*doesnt exactly deliver..., December 25, 2009
This review is from: Snakes on a Train (DVD)
ok, lets start by saying that THE ASYLUM films can swing in 2 directions: they can either be rediculously entertaining (eg MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS)or boring and dull (the terminators) and, i can tell you that SNAKES ON A TRAIN is the later for the following reasons (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD): -the plot is made so that the snakes on a train element in the film really doesent occur untill the last 5 minutes of the film. -the tag-line should really sound like this: 12 boring passengers, 15 baby pythons and rubbery snakes!....because, well, thats what they are. -these snakes, even when they are on screen, dont do much at all. all they do is slither around, making passengers run around foolishly. some of the snakes even make sounds like rattle snakes, but do we ever see one? no. -the glass of the train is obviously fogged up so you couldnt see that the train wasent acctually moving. all we see is flashing lights, which makes it look like a subway train... -istead of getting '1000 venomouse vipers" killing people, we get 2 guys fighting over...nothing. i guess the director saw that the film was completly devoid of any violence or bad language, so he went back and shot a pointless fight scene between 2 idiots, and made the characters say silly swar words for no particular reason. despite all of these bad pints, there are a couple of good elements and one very funny scene(you will se what i mean when you watch the movie.apparently it wasnt origonally in the film, but it was added in after the asylum liked the cover art. frankly, if it werent for that one scene, it would have been 1.5 stars)that balance its rating out to 2.5 stars. some of these are: -there is quite a bit of gore in this one. and some of it is quite grissly (eg. snakes burrowing into peoples flesh, people vomiting up snakes)but it is also quite well done, especially for an asylum movie. -the acting is above what it is normally like in films of this nature. -the ending scene is quite hileriouse (THE ASYLUM must like giant creaters eating things they shouldnt. eg. supercroc eats helicopter (SUPERCROC)and lets not forget that unforgetable scene in msvgo when the shark eats a jumbo jet...) well, thats about it. im not going to tell you to watch it or not, but be warned: its quite boring and pointless until the last 5 minutes. may i advise skipping to the end?
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