Customer Reviews

The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book was very helpful in helping me to understand what was happening in my marriage, and of all those read would have been the most likely to save it had not the marriage been doomed. It is one of the few to address the difficult concept of Distancer-Pursuer pattern in relationships in a non-sexist manner and the only one to suggest concrete solutions. It has many self tests and exercises which help apply the book to your own personal situation.

this book gave me ideas for changing my own behavior in ways that were not only healthy for me, but also resulted in my partner making changes that made our relationship much more satisfying to both of us. The changes it reccomends were not comfortable for me to make, but Deluca's book gave me the willingness to do things differently. If, like me, you are always trying to get your partner to give you more (more time, more attention, more love) this is the book for you.

Presently, this is "THE" book that provides a practical description of the "distancer-pursuer" pattern of interaction, which is the most common pattern found in distressed marriages and exclusive committed love relationships. It tells you what you need to do to produce positive changes in your marriage or relationship if you mate or partner refuses to work on the problems in it, and it goes into some of the 'why' you need to do so. I'm a professional life skillls coach who specializes in working with 'soloing' spouses and partners, especially those who need help in getting their "walkaway" husband or wives, or boyfriends or girlfriends, back. This book was one of the foundation stones of the strategies, tactics, and techniques I teach them to use. It's a very good book!

Amazon isnt aware that there are two versions of this book. ISBN 0881791298 published in 1996, paperback retails for 14.95. ISBN 1570901597 published in 2002 sells for 40.00 and up it is a hardback. THese books are being confused as one and the same they are not. Dont be confused and pay more.

I have to strongly disagree with other reviewers about this book and its depiction of "distancer/pursuer" relationships and how to solve relationship problems.

The author defines these relationships in a manner that is clearly only applicable to older generation (40+ if not 50 and older) couples with fairly traditional gender roles. For example, the author notes that the distancer, typically the man, will tend to be closed off emotionally and will take pampering by their partners for granted. In the movie "About Schmidt" Jack Nicholson plays a newly retired man who struggles to take care of himself after his wife dies and has to deal with his years of stunted emotional growth. That's the distancer depicted by this book. And Schmidt is about 65 years old.

The problem is that the tone of this book is thus rather anti-male and a bit too lenient on women who lack self esteem and need to be self empowered in order to realize their own happiness.

A far far better book on this issue is "The Passion Paradox" or "The Passion Trap" (both essentially the same books, the former being the first printing, the latter the most recent) by Dean C. Delis and Cassandra Phillips. "Passion" doesn't play gender favorites and is probably not that helpful to anyone in a fairly traditional gender role.

Basically, the authors talk about dysfunctional relationships in terms of "one ups" and "one downs." One ups are the equivalent of Solo's distancers and one downs are essentially the pursuers. Delis and Philips point out how the more one downs try to make the relationship work, the less the one ups are interested. Thus, the paradox. Trying too hard makes it less likely to work. The reason for this is because one downs tend to have lower self esteem. Healthy people are attracted to independent self confident partners. One downs aren't that attractive. And anyone attracted to a one down is probably themselves rather unhealthy.

Delis and Philips point out that ANYONE can be either a one up or a one down. It's not exclusive to gender or even consistent from relationship to relationship. In one you might be the one down, the next the one up. It will all depend on the personality of your partner, the dynamics of your interaction, and your own current sense of self esteem.

Unlike Solo's authors, Delis and Phillips place most of their emphasis on the one downs changing their behavior. No, don't stay at home waiting for your partner, don't be a doormat, don't pine away. Get out there and discover yourself, regain your self esteem, and just become a healthier person. One ups, they advise, should hopefully be supportive during this process. If not, no matter, as one downs will still be better off in the end because they're helping themselves and will discover that they don't need their partner in the first place. They can surely want them, but they'll have realized that mindless pursuit and pampering has harmed their relationship and, most importantly, themselves.

I have to repeat, if you're in a fairly traditional relationship "Solo" is probably the book you want. If gender roles are a little more blended then "Passion Paradox"/"Passion Trap" are going to be a far far better choice.

I am so glad that a friend referred me to this hard-to-find book! Anyone who is experiencing any kind of marital distress in which your partner refuses counseling and/or denies there is a problem will really benefit by reading this book. The practical exercises at the end of each chapter, while painful, are guiding me through the process of making changes in myself, which I hope and pray will help improve my marriage. As I read this book, I feel like the author has been filming a "reality show" of my marriage and knows what REALLY goes on in our attempts at communication, as well as our thoughts. Also, it's so hopeful to learn that even if only one partner is willing to change, a relationship really can improve. I'm counting on that to be true.