Customer Reviews

Songs from the Crystal Cave

5 star:		(55)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

You must buy this. Why? Because Conan said to! Also, I think Steven Seagal has that new "Lawman" show which looks pretty gnarly.

Dear Mr. Seagal,

Tuesday, February 12th, was a pretty average day for me. I woke up, brushed my teeth, had my morning glass of mayonnaise, put on my beret, tossed my scarf over my shoulder, heaved a heavy sigh and ventured out into the cold. The suspension on my electric scooter sagged deeply, not unlike my longing heart. While the vanity bumper sticker that Mother had bought me proclaimed "A smile a day keeps the doctor away", I was a very, very lonely 42 year old man. I was morbidly obese and quite frankly, I didn't have the most pleasant odour about me. I was lucky if even that kid with the club foot that everyone chased after school would wave to me when I passed.

Doing the rounds of my paper route, I rode by my local music store. I heard Something about Lollipops emanating from the speaker. I heard the low and shrill sound and it immediately began soothing my jangled nerves. Little did I know that this little piece of plastic, with the wondroous words and lyrics of Steven Seagal burned onto it for all of eternity with a laser, was soon to change my life.

I immediately got out of my scooter, ran into the store, took a few minutes to try to catch my breath. Finally I was able to gasp out to the clerk: "That Cd. That voice of the angels. I need to have it now". I bought several copies in case I became hungry on the way home. I rushed home, changed into my athletic gear and utility belt and immediately began doing pushups. It was like I was a man possesed. I didn't know it at the time, but this CD harnessed the work ethic, the martial arts prowess and, above all, the stunning handsomness and fashion sense of Steven Seagal into one small package. All that I had to do was press play and I was transformed into the essence of Casey Ryback, ex-navy seal, counter-terrorist expert and environmental mercenary.

To the sounds of Mr.Seagal I was able to shed my weight and began taking daily showers. I now entertain several women per week, sometimes even several per day. I am making over $5000 a week stuffing envelopes from home. My life has become full of many smiles a day, and I look forward to each day with more anticipation than the last. I owe it all to the inspiring and electrifying work being done each and every day by Steven Seagal.

Thank you, Steven Seagal.

Your friend in arms,

Kevin Keast, Toronto, Ontario

Like so many others, I didn't expect too much from this CD when I first prepared to listen to it. I figured that he would never be able to do justice to the divine talent and charismatic appeal he has illustrated on the silver screen. BOY, WAS I WRONG! As the final track on this album faded out, leaving me alone in a Seagal-less world, I realized that my entire worldview had been shifted, feeling as altered as I would have had I just been revived from a 12-year coma. I no longer relate to the world as I once did, my pre-Seagal-album self having been dismantled and exposed as a coagulated mass of incompetence and downright foolishness. Even my mother has noticed the difference, as I recently enlightened her with a 3-point finger chop to the chest and neck, grappling her into the full-nelson position in order to convince her that I was right all along about those blue Smurf shoes I owned when I was a kid which she swears I never actually did own... until of course I convinced her otherwise with my new Seagalic charm. I have even stopped chewing my nails, realizing that this lifelong habit of mine had been caused by the buried-down emotions resulting from an unconscious fantasy about the day Steven Seagal would privately serenade me in a Japanese garden and the resulting fear at recognizing this might never happen. As soon as that moment of anxiety now arrives, I simply hit the play button on one of my 7 portable CD-players carrying a bootlegged copy of Steven's mastery. Instantaneously, my hands shoot down into a tensed-muscle state, the fingers protruding out in all directions as though I am undergoing some strange form of stroke-induced rigor mortis. My eyes shoot up into my head, and I begin urinating deliriously as I become emotionally and intellectually captivated by the sound of Steven's voice, the artistic precision of his musical manipulation, and the extreme depth and intelligence behind his glorious lyrical exchanges.

To say that this album is the greatest ever would still do it no justice... so I won't. But I will say that I sincerely believe that the clearest path to creating a more peaceful world would be to pass a copy of this exceptional CD on to every single human being you have ever met and will ever meet in the future.

I must say, after several listens in the comforts of my mom's basement and while drinking unsweetened grape Kool Aid from a goblet I made for a lady friend who didn't want it nor me, this album makes The Beatles look like The Monkees. Mr. Seagal, who is able to hit the high notes as if he was eunuch, really made me yorn for the days of when The Torkelsons was still on tv. This man needs to go on tour sharing his gift like Tom Cruise shares herpes. Bravo, ol' chap. Bravo.

Listen to Mr. Conan O' Brien. You dont even have to listen to the CD.

I've been a huge Steven Seagal fan all the way up to his recent appearances on Hollywood Squares. Let me tell you, the guy can do anything, and this CD is no exception! The first song 'Girl, it's alright' is a jaunty little toe-tapper with a sort of manic Charleston shuffle to it. The second song "Don't you cry,' is a gentle but firm warning to the previous girl that it would be in her best interests not to cry. Next is a short and fairly odd 'song' called 'Music,' where Steven simply says the word 'music' and then you hear someone getting punched. It then rolls into 'Better Man,' which is Steven's way (along with a full and raucous gospel choir) of calling out all the other musicians in the world to "just try and step up to this funky beat." The next song should have been a hit: 'Lollipop,' a tender soliloquy about the travails of farming in America. Then comes the hard-core gangster rap 'Not for Sale,' where Steven pulls no punches about how certain things (rainbows, grandmothers) are not for sale. I skipped 'Route 23,' as it's Steven's bizarre take on the Beatles' Revolution 9, where he just drones "Route 23" over and over to the lone accompaniment of a jews harp. I also skipped 'My God,' a failed attempt at gospel in which Steven whispers The Lord's Prayer while guest Stevie Wonder hums his hit 'Ribbons in the Sky' in the background. This falls flat in my opinion, and ends rather abruptly with both men suddenly shouting "Hey!"
In summation, this is simply Steven Seagal making his own music, with no cameras, no compromises, or com-promises. A superstar, alone and reaching out to touch the muse within his soul - for everyone, and sadly, no one. You shouldn't compromise either. Make a fresh batch of lemonaide, sit out on the porch swing, and put this CD on. You may just hear the laughter of the children as they joyously prance in your own front yard. I did, and oh my, what a delightful noise they made.

Just as the FedEx Pope is an amazing character, Seagal is an excellent composer. I could listen to this CD all year long while I watch the months pass by on my Extraordinary Chickens wall calendar.

First of all, let me begin by saying that 5 stars is not nearly enough to properly rate the genius that Seagal portrays on this brilliant piece of art. This first time I heard this album I was moved to tears. Thankfully I'd photocopied all of the liner notes because all of my weeping caused the ink to run off of the copy that came with my album. Beautiful, just beautiful...

He's certainly a better vocalist than Chuck Norris, and don't even get me started on his instrumental superiority over that goofy Jean-Claude Van Damme, and I can only pray that they give him complete creative control over the soundtrack to the currently being produced "Under Siege 3."

Long live Steven Seagal!

I want to address those who question the fact that Mr. Seagal, action film hero, released a music CD, by saying that there is no natural law that says we can only be good at one thing. This CD proves that point.

I love the music and the range of the kinds of music on this CD. I have eclectic tastes and love world music, so this CD is a wonderful treat to listen to. Mr. Seagal's singing and playing are sweet at times, and other times as manly as a woman could wish. Yes, there's some social commentary, but there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing is preachy; everything has just the right tone. There is also just the right amount of humor in many of these songs. And I admire a man who is willing to speak up for his beliefs.

The tracks are as follows:

1. Girl It's Alright. This sweet song, backed by female singers, is the kind of song any woman would want her man to sing to her. The music and lyrics stay with you.

2. Don't You Cry. This love song is a tiny bit more louder and rocking than the first song.

3. Music. This song appeals to the best in each of us to join together in music to help heal the world. Idealistic, perhaps, but without ideals, where would we be?

4. Better Man. A soft song about a man leaving a woman he loves because he feels she deserves better.

5. Route 23. A bluesy song about being born into a hard life.

6. My God. Hey, how many times have people used their religious beliefs as an excuse to separate themselves from others? This song is about that topic. There's a hint of humor in this song that makes me smile: "My God is better than your God."

7. Lollipop. This song has ska/reggae beats and vocals. Although I love Jamaican music, this one isn't a favorite on the CD, though it is well done.

8. Not For Sale. This world could use more people paying attention to integrity, and that's what this song is about. The music is wonderful--starting with what sounds like tabla and a woman toning (with an Indian/Middle Eastern sound), then continuing with Mr. Seagal's singing, which in this case is more like spoken poetry, which suits the song perfectly.

9. Dance. This song continues the world sound, with a blend of instruments swirling around the lyrics. A simple, straightforward song that is again the sort of song that charms a woman.

10. Jealousy. Although the song title might make you think this is about relationship jealousy, what it is actually about is the kind of jealousy that some people feel for the success of others. It has a strong underlying beat that drives the lyrics home. I love the guest singer, Lady Saw--she's so fierce and strong.

11. War. Another song with a Jamaican beat, with the theme of war. Why do we fight?

12. Strut. Lady Saw sings on this one too, in a question-reponse style with Mr. Seagal.

13. Goree. A haunting song about slavery.

14. The Light. More world music in this song with a spiritual message.

After waiting over 7 years for this album to be released, I was cautious when first listening to it. I didn't want to get my hopes up, only to have them dashed to the ground, like so many sea creatures against the shore. Thankfully, Mr. Seagal has achieved what not even Britney Spears could do: he has made the power of music real for the people of the world.
After my heterosexual life partner sat me down to watch Steven Seagal's movie "Now You Die...Again", I could tell that Mr. Seagal was just filled to the brim with song and talent. I love his new CD so much that I listen to it every night when falling asleep, and bought about 50 copies of it so that I can give them to friends and family for birthdays and christmas. Even after they begged me to stop, I couldn't hear them because my ears were filled with the sweet sweet song of Steven McHottie-Pants Seagal. Even though Mr. Seagal has now taken out a "restraining order" against me, I know in his heart he, too, feels the power of music. I can't reccommend this album enough.