Customer Reviews

Songs of Three Islands: A Story of Mental Illness in an Iconic American Family

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This is the story, narrative, journey of Millicent Monks. Call it what you will it is a fascinating story of, as she calls it "a story mental illness in an iconic American family." She is the great granddaughter of the brother of Andrew Carnegie. The book chronicles the lives of her mother herself and her daughter. As a therapist I found the book to be extremely engaging. Millicent chronicles the guilt and shame she experienced in being disengaged from a mother who at the best suffered from major depressive disorder and at the worst schizophrenia. Her mother is not alive to attempt diagnosis.
Millicent recounts that she was born at the end of the dpression which would put her roughly in her 80's at this point. The book is written with an excellent grasp of the history of one's family. Specifics and details abound.
Millicent (I feel I am so familiar with her life that I can refer to her by her first name) moves from her own life to the life of her daughter. Millicent posits a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder for Sandra her daughter. She chronicles the stays in various mental institutions and the ensuing alcohol abuse. This book is a study in the genetic/environmental transmission of mental illness. This disorder passed through three generations from grandmother to grand daughter.
If you appreciate excellent writing you will thoroughly enjoy this book. The detail, the vividness, the ethos is brought out in every word. Millicent's journey through mental affliction herself is a journey of courage hope and strength. The use of words places one in the very spot she is portraying and helps the reader to appreciate that she knows of what she speaks. In my humble opinion a true wordsmith crafted this book. I understand editorial contribution but I don't think an editor could have suggested or even written in the vividness that encapsulates this book. If you have any compassion for those who struggle with mental illness you owe it to yourself to be come acquainted with Millicent's journey. I highly, highly recommend the book

The subject of Songs of Three Islands is the devastation that Borderline Personality Disorder creates in families as well as the individual sufferer, not simply a voyeuristic window into the wealth and privilege of the Carneige family. This book clearly shows us that no one is immune from the ravages BPD creates in a family. It took a great deal of courage for Millicent Monks to reveal her family history to the public. What did she have to gain by exposing this information to a star struck public that seems to be more focused on her family secrets than on the pain and suffering due to BPD that she reveals in this book?

I am the Founder of the TARA National Association for BPD, an education and advocacy organization that helps people with BPD, their loved ones and the researchers and clinicians who help them. I am also the author of Overcoming BPD, A Family Guide for Healing and Change. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change The Monk-Carneige family experiences with BPD are not unique. I have known families to mortgage their homes and deplete their finances in search of help only to be bilked by non-evidence based practitioners who provide iatrogenic treatment, harming not helping. Milly's story is everyone's story. This book exposes the pain caused by seeing a loved one suffer, being helpless to alleviate that suffering and then be blamed for it. This attitude persists today with mental illnesses and, unfortunately, families of people with BPD are at the head of the class. Let us not forget the grief endured by those parents of autistic children labeled "Ice box mothers" or the parents of schizophrenics called "schizophrenogenic mothers.

I am personally acquainted with Millicent Monk and her family and have seen, first hand, their desire to help their loved ones and understand this disorder. In Sally Bidell Smith's book, Diana, Portrait of a Troubled Princess, she reveals how the diagnosis of BPD affected the life of Princess Diana and her loved ones. BPD is an equal opportunity disorder. Money and power do not guarantee better treatment nor do they protect the sufferer. We at TARA thank Millicent Monk for her courage in bringing BPD out of the shadows in an effort to help others. She has become an advocate for people with BPD and their families. She asks me this question, 'where are all the other families affected by BPD" WE hope the notoriety of the Carneige name will help people understand BPD


Valerie Porr,MA
Pres./Founder TARA NAPD

As one who has persons with mental illness in her family, the book was very insightful. I found myself nodding in agreement with much that the author had to say. However, I also found myself wanting to know more about the author's characteristics of her own illness and how her husband coped with it. It is amazing that she and her husband stayed married through their trying situation with their daughter. It is a quick read and not a bit boring.

There are many puzzling things surrounding this book. Like why after a fluff-piece in the NY Times (paid for?), there are still only four reviews here. Like how Mrs. Monks managed to get this silly stream-of-conscientious drivel published (again, paid for?) And the utterly strange reviews of others. (One from the person who delivered the manuscript!)

One might think that this book might shed some light on one or more of the following: 1) History of the Carnegies or Rockefellers. 2) History of the islands in question. 3) A family's struggle with mental illness.

On counts one and two, you'd be hard pressed to say you've learned anything. On the most important matter of mental illness, you'd be much better served by any of a dozen books not written in the dreary and self-absorbed style of this terribly strange woman.

It is certainly not the author's fault that she has lived her whole life with nary a concern about the financing of day-to-day living. This while saying nothing of the burden of medical bills that almost any one else dealing with a mentally ill family member might have. But she is truly clueless as to how the great unwashed live. Six months' treatment here, trips to Santa Fe to visit a psychologist there, school in England, a holiday safari....don't we all live like that?

Obviously no amount of money can alleviate the painful childhood experiences at the hands of her mentally ill mother and ill-tempered father. And who wouldn't give everything they own for their child to avoid the misery of an emotional disorder? But all descriptions conveyed are wrapped-up in a pitiful & delusional triteness.

Even in addressing the very salient point of how "bad parenting" was/is often pointed to as the "cause" of a child's mental illness, the author fails miserably to give any accounts that might serve to elucidate the reader. Only when a doctor's diagnosis enlightens Mrs. Monks does she pronounce, "...and all those times we were accused of being bad parents." (All what times?!?)

But worst of all is the steady diet of astrologers, mystics, and other charlatans cited in her inner circle. Very hard to present a meaningful portrait when interwoven was zany thoughts (like the perceived plans to abduct her children by the house-staff,) explanations, and visions.

In the end, one VERY clear and important message does permeate this book. The author's mother and other relatives displayed signs of mental illness. Her daughter likewise seems to have struggled continuously throughout her life. And Monks freely expresses (though, again, not very clearly) a lifelong battle with depression. One can ONLY conclude that MRS. MONKS HERSELF IS SEVERELY AFFLICTED WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. For all the suffering of this family, great sympathy is due. But trying to get anything useful out of this book is like trying to learn the history of a mental institution by asking a patient to write it!

Here's a couple of passages to illustrate how this book so severely missed the mark. First, Monks finishes one chapter with this:

"Many years later, Sandra (Monk's daughter) sued for all the doctors' reports." Her psychiatrist had written: 'Sandra's focus is her desperate struggle with her brother over her mother's attention. The mother is a vacant vain person who is self preoccupied and has little to give to her children.'"

This is so powerful and loaded but Monks doesn't think to delve into it. From the blame (some of it unfounded, to be sure), to the damage Monks suffered in childhood, to the (never-stated) sibling rivalry of her children, to the natural conclusion that she herself is quite disturbed, much could be revealed. Alas not.

And this one which unfortunately shows a sad level of delusion:

"A woman we had met at Sandra's......called to tell us [Sandra] was very depressed.....They had a cousin named Joey who was connected with an organization in the Catholic Church......They felt he should move in with her and help her......"

"[At Thanksgiving] I seated Joey next to me at dinner. 'So, Joey, tell me about yourself.' Joey didn't miss a beat. 'Yeah, I'm a member of the NY Mafia. My brother carries the gun and the money, not me, and my father just shot up a store that was giving us trouble.'

'You won't believe this, Joey,' I said, 'but we have something in common--fathers who shoot at things......[at a party my father] found a lovely young blonde and wanted to take her out on his boat'.....[In order to wake up the captain and first mate]....he got his gun out and proceeded to shoot the boat......I wasn't about to let Joey think we were a bunch of patsies.'"

There is plenty more that is folly or delusional in this book, but no point beating it to death.

Perhaps this catastrophe of a book should have been published by a vanity press for distribution to family and friends because it no one else could possibly derive anything useful from it.

Sometimes, in conversation with a very good friend, we are struck by a word or phrase which unlocks a forbidden door. Logical connections which, except for our own crippling experience, would have occurred to us much earlier. SONGS of THREE ISLANDS was, for me, an intimate and clear-sighted story of a family very like my own -- a family where the Unusual was the Normal, where skewed vision was inherited (and inherent) and shared and accepted and, indeed, scarcely noticed until it was blatantly obvious. Even to the insiders. Even to the afflicted.
Sometimes, a conversation with a very good friend can serve as a Motivator, a Springboard, a Recognition, that "Normal" is quite different from what is happening, and that Something CAN be done, that Something MUST be done, that the Time has COME.
These SONGS may awaken us from a dreamy "sleep" of Disregard, may release us from a paralyzing grip of Family Loyalty, may set us on a Road to Recovery so that we may reclaim our OWN lives, and we MIGHT then be able to contribute to the saner world outside of our own family.
In any event, SONGS will illuminate for everyone the dim prison of "family insanity" to which so many are sentenced by reason of inheritance and clan loyalty.
Besides which, SONGS is extremely well written!

This is a beautifully written book, lyrical and heart warming, even though the content has to do with mental illness in a wealthy American family. I recommend it to everyone who loves reading a book with depth.

It couldn't have been easy to write this book. At the time Borderline Personality Disorder was a little-researched illness. Now DBT is commonly used to treat this medical condition. Millicent Monks portrayal of the hell and heartache that accompanies mental illness in the family is one of the better books I've read on the subject in a long time. Her story is reinforced by her lyrical writing style that pulls you into her life and leaves an indelible image. I found myself thinking about the characters when I wasn't reading the book and quickly returned to reading it, which I did in about three days. Hopefully this is the beginning of the publication of more books on BPD, a misunderstood illness that is all too real and terrifying for those that have it and their family members.

Every human being who has ever had to face adversity can gain strength from this story...of wrestlings with the terrible angels of mental illness in loved ones...of solace from nature...including, in the end, human nature and its spark of the divine.

Who among us can say we do not have the same story, to some degree? The degree here is extreme, hence the book's drama; but what transforms this book from mere reading into true human experience is its searingly truthful poetic writing.

The mental illness this memoire describes is protean, much like the diagnosis of "borderline," yet this book describes unflinchingly the tolls that such a phenomenon can take on a family--and the truthseeking, soulsearching, and, finally, sanity it can yield.

THIS IS GREAT LITERATURE. Compared to what? Compared to Homer, Proust, Tolstoy! It was my privilege to hand-deliver this manuscript to the publisher in Oxford. I wasn't asked to read it, but did take a look while on the train to my destination and could NOT put it down. I am familiar with the Literary Canon, but never has any book captivated me so completely. Arriving at Oxford, I went to the publisher's, but told him I could not relinquish the pages until I had read every word. There I sat in a waiting room all afternoon and well into the evening, turning the pages. Oxford could wait, but this book could not. Neither should you.

Dear friends known and unknown, I urge you to experience this exquisitely expressed story of how sorrow upon sorrow, experienced with truth and courage, can produce a beautiful soul. It's a lyrical journey you must not miss.

I deeply admire the courage of this author. It must have been dreadfully painful to include the comments of the doctor who criticised her mothering of the two children when very young. If only some support and encouragement had been offered for this fragile mother, struggling to look after 2 young children when she had received virtually no mothering herself. Her accounts of growing up with her bizarre and damaging mother are heartbreaking. If only someone had been there for her as a young girl in that mouldering house.

Her grown up daughter Sandra may be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder as well as borderline. When the author describes how her daughter somehow takes over her life, is very intrusive so that she can lose all sense of her own self, she could be describing narcissistic bombasticism. The person with pathological narcissism has a very strong sense of entitlement, believing they are all important. The rages of the narcissist are absolutely enormous and extremely damaging to others, and have a persistence which is sometimes staggering. The borderline has rages also, I am just suggesting this as an alternative. Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders are confused in some of the available literature, scientific and 'secular'.

We need more books like this, whatever the diagnosis discussed. Books which articulate psychological suffering, and also how this can be passed down in a family. Ms. Monks has enriched us all with her book .

Until recently I was never able to discuss openly the craziness in my family - not unlike Millicent, the BPD's in my family drew the rest into their crazy world and in tragic ways took years of happiness from us. My maternal grandmother had and my two sisters have BPD. My mom and I have read everything we could on the disorder but until this book could never relate to the affect on the family, how they draw you into their craziness and the futility in trying to "fix" them. In beautifully edited, short chapters Millicent illustrates this and the misery of being the child of a BPD and having a child with it. Her path to finding peace is one we can all follow. I cannot thank her enough for sharing this story. It has helped us heal. Many people do not know that their spouse or parent or child has BPD, they just think they have anger issues, are very sensitive, have "long" memories.... maybe this book will help people in that position see the truth and ultimately find some peace too.