"Sometimes I feel like an alien, born on a planet called Music, where there's nothing but sound. Sometimes, even in the midst of thousands, I still feel alone, because no one--including me--understands my mind, my creativity, how I'm hardwired."
The above quote, which begins "Dominoes Up", the final chapter of Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me, perfectly captures the essence of its author, R&B legend Robert "R." Kelly. This is a quote that should have been plastered on the very first page of Soulacoaster, for, as much as it explains about R. Kelly the artist and Robert Kelly the man, it shows even more truth about the book itself--and what a personal, uniquely R. Kelly book it is.
The first thing you notice about Soulacoaster is its size. It weighs about 3 pounds and resembles a coffee table book more than a novel or typical autobiography. Then you open the book. There are pictures. Words change fonts, sizes, and colors seemingly at random. Some pages are full of words. Others are black with 4 words on them. Every so often, you'll encounter a completely blank page. It's all over the place.
If this sounds like a mess, that's because it is--but it's a mess that makes sense. In Act I of the book, "Back in the Day", Kelly talks about his childhood and what led him to pursue a career in music. Kelly specifically expands on 2 things: his dyslexia and his ability to "channel" music and thoughts. Since a young age, Kelly has not been able to read, yet has had an overwhelming volume of ideas (musical or otherwise) flowing through his head.
All of this comes through in the very structure of Soulacoaster. There's a straightforward, easy-to-follow narrative in the book, sure, but it's unfiltered Kelly*. This is especially evident in Act I, where he'll jump from the tragic story of his first girlfriend at age 8 dying in a river while Kelly could only watch it happen to dreaming about the musical composition of "I Believe I Can Fly" 20 years before writing it to his Old Grand-Dad whiskey-loving grandma getting in fights with people. Those are three consecutive chapters, by the way. Occasionally, there will be short meta-messages where, at the end of a chapter, there will be a picture of a roller coaster (or a Soulacoaster, as Kelly makes abundantly clear throughout the book) with the words "Enjoying the ride?" written over it. And that's the entire page. It's clear that Kelly has tons of ideas flowing through him at any given time, and the fact that Soulacoaster's structure reflects that free-flowing nature makes the book that much more personal and uniquely his.
*Well, maybe not unfiltered, as it probably had to go through revisions before its publication. Which makes me wonder about the content that was too crazy to publish. Wouldn't you love to read a version of Soulacoaster with no revisions, just as Kelly's first draft? I'm not sure that humanity is collectively ready for that.
Often times, Kelly's habit of putting every idea in his head on paper works well for him. One of my favorite chapters, "Trapped", explains the work that went into creating Trapped in the Closet, Kelly's 22-part, 87-minute long hip hopera (his best work, in my opinion). Here, Kelly explains the genesis of the idea:
"Whatever it was, the idea of Trapped in the Closet crept up on me like an alien from another planet. I didn't go into the studio with the intent of writing a screenplay. But the lyrics...just came into my head, and as I sang them, I could picture the entire scene in my mind. Unlike my other songs, where lyrics led to video, Trapped came to me as a drama in need of a score."
The insights in this chapter are fascinating, and he even promises more Trapped in the near future. Since he is basically channeling his creativity and making the story up as it progresses, it's as much a surprise to him as it will be to us.
Sometimes, though, Kelly's thoughts get ahead of him, creating some truly bizarre moments. Take, for instance, the chapter "In The Basement", which closes out Act I. Prior to this chapter, Kelly mainly discussed the people in his childhood who led him to pursuing music, his academic problems, and choosing between music and his other love, basketball. "In The Basement", however, ends the act with a really strange story about Kelly at 17 years old and his girlfriend Chance. Below is the final section of the chapter in its entirety:
"We were falling deeper in love and learning about each others' bodies. Soon I thought I knew all there was to know--except, to my surprise, I didn't. One day at my mom's house, we were making love in my room when I happened to look down and saw blood. I pulled out and saw that I was covered in blood. I panicked and started crying. What the hell was going on? I asked Chance if she was bleeding too and she said "Yeah." She tried to explain something but I ran outta the room and went straight to my sister, Theresa.
"What happened?" I demanded.
"You ain't bleeding," said Sis. "She is. She's having her period."
Theresa explained how the monthly cycle works.
I understood, but I also didn't want to go back there. The blood was too much for me. It freaked me out. When it came to sex, I swore I was done, and I was. I didn't have sex with another girl for three or four years."
End of chapter. End of Act I.
One thing that's clear throughout Soulacoaster is that Kelly is honest, almost to a fault. He's not afraid to talk about any subject in his life, from childhood deaths to sexual abuse to his own shortcomings as a human. He even speaks candidly about The Trial. You know the one. It's really fascinating.
Also, Kelly loves McDonald's. He really, really, really loves McDonald's. It seems like McDonald's is a part of nearly every big moment of his life. Whenever he's in his studio writing songs for artists and the negotiations begin to go sour, he leaves and goes to McDonald's. When each of his three kids were born, he avoided the operating room and instead found solace in McDonald's (a nice one, though, he's eager to point out). And after he was found not guilty of all counts from The Trial, guess where he went first? Yep, McDonald's.
This, however, is his best McDonald's story by a longshot, from when he toured with Jay-Z in 2004, amid problems with the tour--especially the lighting during his performances:
"The lighting got worse. I did everything I could, even simplifying the lighting cues for my show so that I could at least have the bare minimum of lighting effects that I wanted, but even that didn't fix the situation. At one point, I became so frustrated that I left the stage during a show in St. Louis and went to the place that gives me comfort in times of trouble--McDonald's. But this time, I didn't go to eat. Instead I asked the guy working the drive-thru window if I could borrow his cap and uniform, and for the next three hours, I served Big Macs, fries, and Cokes to customers."
I could easily double or triple the length of this with more thoughts about Soulacoaster. It's really a one-of-a-kind book. If you have any interest in 90s R&B or R. Kelly as an artist and as a cultural figure (even an ironic interest), I highly recommend this book. On the last page, Kelly says the following farewell message:
"So it is as a happy man that I come to the beginning of this book. Note that I did not say "the end." As far as I'm concerned, the Soulacoaster is just getting warmed up. It's been a crazy ride up, but I know the best years are still ahead."
I sure do hope he's right.
