Customer Reviews

Special Gifts: Women Writers on the Heartache, the Happiness and the Hope of Raising a Special Needs Child

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Having no children of my own yet, much less a child with special needs, the essays in this book do a wonderful job of reaching a wide audience. The insight that these women writers provide on their everyday experiences, frustrations, and triumphs will truly win your heart while sharing devastating moments that evoke your deepest sympathies. Each writer has her own unique voice, ranging from touching philosophies on parenting to the darkest corners of a mother's mind that require an unspeakable amount of courage to write. Each essay is a short 5-15 minute read, making it an easy read while you have a few moments (I read 5 essays while getting the oil changed in my car). In short, I highly recommend this book.

This is the kind of book every teacher and family member who knows a special-need kid (and who doesn't?) should read. It is not a how-to or medical manual but rather insightful and heartfelt stories from the people who really know best what living with many challenges can be like.

Whether you have a child with special needs or know someone who does, this book will touch you. In these essays moms write about their hopes and dreams as well as frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. As a mother of an ADHD son, I know all too well the isolation and desperation that walks hand-in-hand with a diagnosis of ADHD, Autism, Bipolar Disorder or one of the many other behavioral and emotional disorders. I have often said that if my son had diabetes or cerebral palsy people would feel sympathetic and want to help. But, when my impulsive son yells or hits, no one really cares that he has ADHD. But, these moms do...they get it and it is very cathartic and validating to hear their stories.

First, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Renee Bryant, and I am a contributing writer in this book. My opinions could most certainly be considered biased. As a contributing writer, I did not receive any compensation for my portion/essay that is contained within the book. I also had to purchase my own copy of the book as this book wasn't published for financial gain, rather to help other parents and family members with their own "Special Gift."

The stories contained in this book are true, heartfelt, emotionally charged glimpses into our lives, personal journeys and some of our own discoveries along the way. They are inspiring and informative. Some of the essays may contain helpful information and some will most certainly make you cry. I felt both joy and sorrow while reading this book. For me, it was a way of sharing what worked well for our family.

Finally, if you purchase the book and read Shawn's story, "A Difficult Journey," I would like to bring you up to date. Shawn is 12 years old now and attends 7th grade. He goes to his local jr high and not one person knows that he is autistic except for the office staff, and only because it is in his school record. He plays piano, violin, and was in a lead role in his school play for 3 years in a row in the elementary school he attended prior to this year. He is doing well in all areas and I am thankful for each and every person who had a hand in helping us along the way. Our "Difficult Journey" has become a remarkable journey to say the least.

This is a remarkable book. It is a compilation of 41 short stories, all written by women, united by the bond of mothering a "special needs" child. That is the current, politically correct, phrase to indicate a child who is somehow outside two or three standard deviations of "normal," meaning that physically, emotionally and/or mentally all is not quite right. In various stories much significance is attached to finally finding the "label" to characterize a child's behavior, be it Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), Down's Syndrome et al. The label all too often obstructs understanding of a child's true condition rather than illuminates, and the PDD-NOS one truly boggles the mind.

Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy once wrote. Ms. Schusteff selected stories depict a broad spectrum of "special needs" possibilities. (I wish she had explained her selection criteria). Yet there are the common themes that are woven into many of the stories: the initial denial; the hopes for a cure; the frustrations with the medical and educational establishments; the guilt of "did I do something wrong during the pregnancy"; the fear of ridicule, and the desire to protect the child; the desire to simply flee, and never come back; the callousness of strangers, and even the clumsiness of the well-intentioned.

I looked for the weak story, and perhaps there are a couple. But the vast majority are well written, in lean, no-nonsense prose. I hesitate to select certain passages that moved me, at the exclusion of others, but still: there is Kimberley Winters' child Elena looking at the picture that was once a healthier herself, yet saying: "I'm happy now too...just like her."; there is Heide Kaminski saying: "My mom gave up on me, but I never gave up on myself. And now I can't give up on him..."; there is Caryn Sullivan's plea: "Can't someone develop a universal medical history form?" and later, illustrating that she is cut off from other women her age: "I realize, though, that when they are looking for someone to have a good laugh with, I'm not on the short list to call."; Janice Noble on the clumsiness of the well-intentioned: "I received the compliments that I grew to hate. `God knew you were special enough to give a special child to.' How I despised that one in particular."; and there is the painful description of neglect, from Marie LaConte, as she describes the Down's syndrome child she has just received from a prior marriage: "... and teeth creamy yellow, an overgrowth of plaque obliterating the boundaries between her teeth."

In at least four of the stories it is the "special needs" child that helps the parent, as illustrated in Jessica Thompson's story: "When I have practically drowned in tears as a result of my despair, my son has stroked my hair, wiped my eyes and comforted me with, `It's okay Mommy."

The cover picture to the book is haunting, capturing the anguish of a troubled little girl.

And there is: "The dog that did not bark." The other voices that need to be heard, and in some cases, merely described. All those "minor characters," the men. Some were depicted as absolutely supportive, other callous and/or indifferent and in denial, and others simply "cut-out." But what did they think? And there are the all too many cases of the "special needs" children who were abandoned by their mothers to the state, and now often roam the by-ways of America, sleeping under the overpasses, struggling with their own demons, surrounded by the indifference and hostility of those far more fortunate.

And there but for fortune go I. I am one of the lucky ones, two wonderful children who never had to ride "the short bus." So much of the "poverty of human existence" is due to the hubris and ignorance of people's behavior, from the stupidity of war, the greed of Wall Street, to the addiction to television. The pain and occasional joy involved with having a "special needs" child is different: it is the "bad cards" that fate deals, with no correlation to the merits of the receiver. This is an absolutely essential book for all professionals in "the field," be they in the medical or educational establishments, and should be required reading. For the rest of us, those that drew "better cards," the book should be mandatory also; to increase our empathy, as well as gratitude to a more favorable karma received.

We should all learn from experiences of these women in their joys and struggles of raising a Special Needs child. There is true heartbreak in this role in life. But there is boundless joy and hope as the parent and child grow together, teach each other patience, and profoundly influence each other's lives. Read this book and expect some tears and then some smiles. It's all there! And it's all worth the time to read.

Any parent of a special needs son or daughter (and probably any parent, period) will find validation, the comfort of not being alone, and just plain engrossing reading in this collection of personal essays. As the parent of an adult son with disabilities, I was moved and often uplifted by each story. The various details included by the writers serve to lift the veil from what often remains hidden in day-to-day life: frustration and despair, but also great hope and courage and the beauty of adapting to the hand one is dealt. This book could also be very useful for special ed teachers and therapists who work with parents of special needs children. Highly recommended. Mary Lee Moser, author,There and Back: A Journal Companion for Special Needs Parents