Who Am I?
If I am not the person I have believed myself to be, then who am I? Actually, I'm grateful to hear that maybe I'm not the anti-Christ. That is a relief, but who am I? I have lived for so long with all the stories and behaviors of my disease that I've lost my connection to whoever is underneath that.
That's who I'm looking for in recovery, who I really am. I have tried for so long to be who or what I thought people wanted or told me to be that I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be defined by the world around me. To not be sure of who I think I am is really scary. In fact my question of identity leaves me hanging out over a deep black void. 'Keep coming back;' those are the gentle words of support whispered in my ear.
This journey is not easy. To have strayed so far from my truth is sad, but it's all going to work out if I keep showing up for myself. Today I will stay committed to living happy, joyous and free. That is the gift that recovery has offered, and that is where I am headed.
I'm Not Bad—I've Just Been Crazy
I don't know exactly how it happened. What I do know is that, as I've realized how grateful I am for my recovery, I have also realized that I love myself and my life. It must be a package deal, like one of those all-inclusive resorts. Gratitude opened the door to the truth, which allowed me to see myself through my own eyes of gratitude.
I'm not bad—I've just been crazy. Seeing myself with gratitude allowed me to see the beauty in my life, which reflected my own image back to me. I am the perceiver. I am the projector. When I didn't like myself, how could I like anyone else?
Sometimes I am amazed at how easily I have misled myself. I have believed so many ridiculous things, most of which I used against myself. Things like, I am not good enough, or not talented enough or whatever.
All of that served to support what I had chosen to believe about myself. I created the stories that would support my beliefs. It was all me, all along.
I don't do that anymore. Today I look out at life and see myself reflected back in the smiles of the people around me. There is no need for a story. When I chose to like myself I chose to stop believing my own lies about myself, and that changed everything. Recovery is a matter of choices, and today I choose life.
I Didn't See It Coming
I didn't see it coming.
The voice of judgment is screaming that I am a failure, an incurable addict and a loser. I want to indulge myself in that old, repulsive self-hatred.
I used. Call it a slip, a relapse, a whatever. The truth is I did what I have done for years, despite all the work I've done on myself.
Now is when I have a choice to practice the compassion and acceptance that gets so much lip service in the recovery world. To be in judgment of myself or allow others to judge me, is pure poison, and that is the last thing I need.
Courage asks, what can I learn from this experience? What is the truth about what I have done? No excuses. No judgment.
If I learn from the experience, then I have benefited from it.
Keep it simple. No one else can interpret this situation for me. That is my responsibility. I can ask for help but not the judgment of others.
This is the real deal. We can tell the truth of how far we've really come when the devil's back in town. I will be gentle with myself today. I'll be careful not to gossip about myself. I know I have come a long way, and I will not throw that away.
Keep coming back. That's the key. Keep showing up. Recovery is a process, not a scorecard.
©2007. Lee McCormick. All rights reserved. Reprinted from The Spirit Recovery Meditation Journal : Meditations for Reclaiming Your Authenticity. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
